A patent is a piece of paper which proves you invented something. Originally, it was a clever way for countries to support inventors; great ideas like the light bulb, airplane, and paper clip were patented. The idea was simple: you put your idea on paper, give it to the government, and if its clever, they give you the right to sue anyone who tries to steal your idea for an earth decade or two.

Lately, though, the idea has been transformed into a corporate version of a couple of 5-year-olds trying to claim all the toys as "mine!" For instance, genes are patentable in some countries, which, technically, makes human reproduction without a license a potentially infringing activity for which the patent holder can sue you. Businesses are being patented, and are called "inventions" because they use the internet instead of the telephone or human beings. The H2G2 could be patented, if it could be proved "useful", which is doubtful. It has become the hobby of large technology conglomorates to collect thousands of patents to use against competitors and small companies, even though most of the patents are worthless, it works just to scare other humans and companies.

You cannot patent music, even if it is a Bach invention.

Each earth country has its own patent laws, which means an invention in one country is considered stupid in another; or a patent in one country means the idea isn't a new invention in another; or you must use many different languages to describe the idea; or, most importantly, you must describe your invention in just one sentence, even if that sentence is one hundred pages long, to get a patent in some countries. This system was invented by some of the smartest lawyers in the land.

Generally, you must go to a lawyer to get a patent. The patent lawyer is smarter than your average lawyer, but is often a lawyer merely because the human was too dumb to be a scientist, engineer, or inventor itself; this puts the patent lawyer approximately between a two-toed sloth and a rock in intellegence. If you must deal with a patent lawyer, be prepared to defend yourself, and bring a towel. Although usually harmless, extended contact can result in coma or death. Do not feed the patent lawyer.

If you choose, in many earth countries a human can patent its own invention. Most countries allow aliens to have patents, although for certain species translation to acceptable earth language may prove difficult. Consult your horoscope for more information.