How to spot an Intellectual
Created | Updated Sep 11, 2002
Calling all aspiring thinkers! Think you know your metaphysical stuff? Know your French philosophy? Eat Wittgenstein for breakfast? And can't find a single soul out there that's more interested in Jean-Paul Sartre than Jean-Claude Van Damme? Well, today's your lucky day. For the first time in print, Here is Lance Boyles' Field Guide to Intellectuals.
It works like this: Carry a copy of the table in this article around with you, and when you see a possible intellectual, compare the subject with the criteria on the table, adding up his/her score. If the score reaches the lofty heights of 18+, you've spotted a true intellectual. Go and have a conversation about Sartre with them immediately. If the score is in the 15-18 range, you could probably get away with a quick discussion of the cinema of Fellini. If it's in the 5-15 range, you might squeeze in some references to postmodernism. But if the score is 5 or less, the most you can hope for is a critique of the Backstreet Boys' new album, or of the latest Stephen Spielberg flick. So what are you waiting for? Get to it!
| How To Spot An Intellectual. | ||
| ITEM | POINTS | COMMENTS |
| Beret | 4 | Usually a good sign. However, subject may be a poet- beware these faux-intellectuals. They simply look cool and talk a lot of s**t - they actually know nothing. |
| Goatee | 3 | Worn by most Intellectuals. May be just a fashion thing |
| Being in a coffeehouse | 6 | Face it, nobody else goes to these places but Intellectuals. Bonus 3 points if the coffeehouse has a piano and sells books. |
| Selling Leftist newspapers on the street | 7 | The only concession an Intellectual makes to gainful employment. |
| Holding a poetry anthology | 4 | May just be for show. |
| Reading a poetry anthology | 9 | Ah, bullseye. Nobody else can stand them. |
| Argyle socks | 2 | Could be an ironic statement. |
| Bald Head | 2 | A good sign, but maybe just too much testosterone. |
| At a protest march | 4 | Intellectuals, by their very nature, protest about trivial things. |
| Dressed entirely in black | 5 | Once a sure sign, but nowadays it's all too often the calling card of a fashion victim. |
| Smiling serenely | 2 | Possibly enlightenment, but probably just stoned. |
| Drinking black coffee | 4 | The stronger the better. |
| In a university | 6 | A beacon for Intellectuals, unless undertaking an engineering degree. |
| Listening to "World Music" | 7 | Nobody really likes this junk, it's all just for that Intellectual image |
| On Public Transport | 5 | The calling card of the Intellectual: Lack of disposable income due to an ideological hatred of work. Can't afford own car. |
| Trying to borrow money | 6 | See above |
| Holding a copy of this table and peering at you | 0 | Almost certainly a pretentious bluffer trying to look smart. Is probably wearing Trakkie Dacks with buttons down the side. Draw your own conclusions. |
