For many, the office is where one spends perhaps the majority of one's waking moments. This is not usually a notably pleasant experience, and many wish the day would go faster¹. There are many strategies to help this happen, some of which are discussed here. The most important thing is that they be more or less quiet and subtle activities that can be carried out at a desk, thus avoiding arousing the boss' suspicions. In truth, your ability to engage in many of these actions will be wholly dependent on the ethos of your workplace and the attitudes of your colleagues. Alternatively, you could just do some work for a change... If that really is too unpalatable, here are some suggestions for smart skivving.

Reclaiming Dead Time

While sitting in the office, you may have the feeling that your life is passing you by. You are currently in 'dead time'. Dead time is not your time. Dead time is like time spent waiting for a bus. It is useless. You feel you are wasting your precious time on this earth, doing nothing. It's a logistical problem, really - nothing but time management. You need to make use of the time and reclaim it as your own.

Use it to do things that you would otherwise be doing in your free time, thus freeing up space in your schedule for genuine leisure later. While doing the ironing may be a bit difficult under office-based cirumstances, there are other, more discreet tasks that can be done when you should be working. There are numerous possibilities - imagination is key. Here is a selection of housekeeping or administrative tasks that this researcher has undertaken, with the intention of avoiding having to do them in his free time:

• Drafting a will.
• Researching alternative careers.
• Reading and writing h2g2 entries².
• Paying bills.

Enjoying the time

Another way to survive the 9-5 grind is to try to actually enjoy the day. A strange concept for many, but others maintain that it can be done despite the boss, the weather, the clients, or whatever particular unholy conspiracy of evil is currently testing your soul. Doing a job that you like is a good idea, but for the rest of us there are plenty of pleasurable distractions available.

• Read - this could include books, magazines (easier to conceal), the internet (or failing that, the intranet³).
• Listen to music, audiobooks or BBC Radio 4.
• Play games.
• Attempt some creative writing. Now is the time to indulge the muse you never knew you had.
• Do the crossword, Sudoku or similar.
• Scheme in Machiavellian stle against you colleagues, boss or counterparts in other departments or organisations. Otherwise, get your whole pod/office/department to declare a pranks war on the pod/office/department upstairs/down the hall/over the road.

Killing time

If the nature of your workplace makes it difficult to get away with the distractions outlined so far (ie. if all else fails), you may need to simply sit around killing time. With practice, this becomes an art - toilet breaks are meticulously planned to fit into a schedule of work avoidance. Every step must be useless, every trip superflouous, every task carried out in the most ineffiecient and time-consuming way. Suggestions include:

• Daydreaming⁴.
• Pretending to tidy (or actually tidying, if you're in the mood).
• Make tea incessantly. You may want to make some for your colleagues, but this is tricky. It does take up even more time, and it will make your co-workers happy, but on the other hand it highlights the fact that you have no real work to be doing. Or that you have lots, but aren't doing it.
• Craft desk toys and decorations. This will depend on the materials available - raid the stationary cupboard for supplies.
• Indulge the simple joys of doodling. Obscene or otherwise.
• Hide. Hours can be whiled away in the toilet, stationary cupboard, or just under your desk. This is useful in times of extreme stress. You may want to nap, too.
• Send pointless emails.
• Name your Microsoft Office Assistant. Attempt to mainatain a meaningful relationship with it. It's easier than you might think.
• Speak like a pirate all day.⁵
• Abuse the internal mailing system. Send... things.
• Get drunk at lunchtime and see how long you can last before anyone notices.
• Spend hours pretending to genuinely admire the generic watercolours that decorate the room.

Obviously there are many other activities that can be used to while away the time until the Holy Hour of Five P.M. Use your imaginations. A lifetime of work-evasion awaits!