4 Tips for Long Haul Flights
Created | Updated Aug 15, 2006
1. Don't take one!
Find a tanker or container ship and book a berth on that instead. Ok, it may take a little longer and you may have to assist the crew in repelling Pirates armed with rocket grenades and AK47's, but think of the joy you'll have on your journey, such as smelling the fresh sea air (rather than you fellow passengers bodily odours), visting exotic ports (rather than the airplane loos - remarkably similar odours mind you), and being able to stretch your legs as you walk the deck (as against stretching credulity as you attempt the Airlines anti DVT exercise in the 23 inch confines of your seat).
2. Drink lots of non-alcholic fluids to avoid dehydration.
While sound advice, this ignores an important aspect of long haul flying - the booze is free and if you fail to drink your share of it the plane may be carrying too much weight to make a safe landing. You may also be guilty of not adding to the fascinating green frozen blocks which occassionally fall to earth if wild open spaces (such as Brentford).
3. Sit back, relax and enjoy the wonders of the in-flight entertainment.
No I do not mean the tiny thing that passes for a tv screen in the back of the seat in front of you, or the amazing collection of music, comedy, and documentaries you can listen to on the seat sound system. The first is unwatchable if you are over 5ft 10 (do your own metric conversions), and the latter is inaudible over the engine sound without subjecting yourself to the equivalent of 5 years teenage music being blasted through an iPod non-stop into your ears.
The entertainments available to you are those blissful moments puzzling how to eat a standard airline meal in a space comparative to that given to a battery hen; what chance your plea of temporary insanity might have in court for the murder you wish to commit of the person in front of you who spends the whole journey with their seat back compressing your ribs (or the little boy behind who's feet are conveniently just long enough to push in the back of your own seat; or the mind boggling complexity of how to politely get the complete stranger who has fallen asleep next to you to cease snoring and dribbling on you shoulder (only the English have this problem by the way as we're the only ones stupid enough to want to be polite about it rather than just shoving the complementary earphones up their nose).
4. Make friends with the Air Stewardesses
Remember these people suffer doing this tedious job for a living, so be nice to them. If you're really lucky you'll get an extra packet of complementary peanuts. Men - do not attempt to chat them up! They have heard every line several thousand times before and are likely to respond by lacing your drink with prune juice.
Find a tanker or container ship and book a berth on that instead. Ok, it may take a little longer and you may have to assist the crew in repelling Pirates armed with rocket grenades and AK47's, but think of the joy you'll have on your journey, such as smelling the fresh sea air (rather than you fellow passengers bodily odours), visting exotic ports (rather than the airplane loos - remarkably similar odours mind you), and being able to stretch your legs as you walk the deck (as against stretching credulity as you attempt the Airlines anti DVT exercise in the 23 inch confines of your seat).
2. Drink lots of non-alcholic fluids to avoid dehydration.
While sound advice, this ignores an important aspect of long haul flying - the booze is free and if you fail to drink your share of it the plane may be carrying too much weight to make a safe landing. You may also be guilty of not adding to the fascinating green frozen blocks which occassionally fall to earth if wild open spaces (such as Brentford).
3. Sit back, relax and enjoy the wonders of the in-flight entertainment.
No I do not mean the tiny thing that passes for a tv screen in the back of the seat in front of you, or the amazing collection of music, comedy, and documentaries you can listen to on the seat sound system. The first is unwatchable if you are over 5ft 10 (do your own metric conversions), and the latter is inaudible over the engine sound without subjecting yourself to the equivalent of 5 years teenage music being blasted through an iPod non-stop into your ears.
The entertainments available to you are those blissful moments puzzling how to eat a standard airline meal in a space comparative to that given to a battery hen; what chance your plea of temporary insanity might have in court for the murder you wish to commit of the person in front of you who spends the whole journey with their seat back compressing your ribs (or the little boy behind who's feet are conveniently just long enough to push in the back of your own seat; or the mind boggling complexity of how to politely get the complete stranger who has fallen asleep next to you to cease snoring and dribbling on you shoulder (only the English have this problem by the way as we're the only ones stupid enough to want to be polite about it rather than just shoving the complementary earphones up their nose).
4. Make friends with the Air Stewardesses
Remember these people suffer doing this tedious job for a living, so be nice to them. If you're really lucky you'll get an extra packet of complementary peanuts. Men - do not attempt to chat them up! They have heard every line several thousand times before and are likely to respond by lacing your drink with prune juice.
