Hell
Created | Updated Mar 21, 2002
Hell is popularly thought to be the complete opposite of Heaven, which while making it a particularly exciting place to be does not guarantee any comfort to the inhabitants.
The exact location of Hell is as yet undefined. Some legends place it beneath the earth’s crust, in a volcanic region of fire and brimstone. Yet others say that hell is a frozen waste, a freezing cold soul sapping deadness of nothingness. Oddly enough, the freezing hell legends all seem to originate from those countries which spend a great deal of their time in a state of frozenness. Then again, what is hell for you may not necessarily hold true for me. Some earthpeople secretly think that hell is just another word for marriage, while some think that hell is spending several years of their lives working in remote mining camps, where the only available woman for a radius of several hundred kilometres drives a large truck, is named “Chopper”, has several tattoos of rabid toothy animals on her body, and her armpit hair makes her look like she has a pair of rastafarians clamped under each arm.
Numerous attempts have been made to locate hell, and some particularly odd people have at times attempted to travel to hell, by various arcane means. At times, some have come forward with claims to have glimpsed a vision of hell in some delirium, but it usually turns out that they have been performing gastronomic experimentation with strange herbs or fungi. Some physical locations on earth are named after hell, but are usually far from the popular image of their namesake.
The inhabitants of hell apparently consist of two separate classes. One is the ‘lost souls’, the unlucky ones who did not rack up quite enough moral points during their stay one earth to qualify entrance into heaven. The other inhabitants of hell are commonly referred to as the ‘demons’, although they may also go by a vast number of pseudonyms, such as devil, imp, pit fiend, yattering, overlord and tax collector. These demons are supposedly under the constant supervisor of a sort of meta-demon, who also has a wide range of alternative names such as Satan, The Evil One, Beelzebub and old goaty legs.
The purpose of the horde of demons is to harass, torture, punish and torment the poor lost souls who missed their shot at the big time in the white fluffy clouds. This causes the lost souls more pain than your average torture, because they find it hard to understand why they are being punished for having miserable lives back on old earth. It’s a kind of negative reinforcement cycle with no purpose other than to repeat the loop.
Any mention of the word hell is usually coupled with something that’s supposed to be bad, but is actually kind of fun. Think along the lines of, “If you keep fondling your willy like that, you will end up in hell.”, or, “She’s such a mattress back, I hope she ends up in hell”, or, “Don’t do drugs. Drugs are bad. If you do drugs you will go to hell.”
This can all be pretty confusing.
The best thing about hell is that if you don’t believe in it, it ceases to be a problem. In fact, once you cease to pay hell any attention, life becomes strangely exciting and fun. Whoopee!
The exact location of Hell is as yet undefined. Some legends place it beneath the earth’s crust, in a volcanic region of fire and brimstone. Yet others say that hell is a frozen waste, a freezing cold soul sapping deadness of nothingness. Oddly enough, the freezing hell legends all seem to originate from those countries which spend a great deal of their time in a state of frozenness. Then again, what is hell for you may not necessarily hold true for me. Some earthpeople secretly think that hell is just another word for marriage, while some think that hell is spending several years of their lives working in remote mining camps, where the only available woman for a radius of several hundred kilometres drives a large truck, is named “Chopper”, has several tattoos of rabid toothy animals on her body, and her armpit hair makes her look like she has a pair of rastafarians clamped under each arm.
Numerous attempts have been made to locate hell, and some particularly odd people have at times attempted to travel to hell, by various arcane means. At times, some have come forward with claims to have glimpsed a vision of hell in some delirium, but it usually turns out that they have been performing gastronomic experimentation with strange herbs or fungi. Some physical locations on earth are named after hell, but are usually far from the popular image of their namesake.
The inhabitants of hell apparently consist of two separate classes. One is the ‘lost souls’, the unlucky ones who did not rack up quite enough moral points during their stay one earth to qualify entrance into heaven. The other inhabitants of hell are commonly referred to as the ‘demons’, although they may also go by a vast number of pseudonyms, such as devil, imp, pit fiend, yattering, overlord and tax collector. These demons are supposedly under the constant supervisor of a sort of meta-demon, who also has a wide range of alternative names such as Satan, The Evil One, Beelzebub and old goaty legs.
The purpose of the horde of demons is to harass, torture, punish and torment the poor lost souls who missed their shot at the big time in the white fluffy clouds. This causes the lost souls more pain than your average torture, because they find it hard to understand why they are being punished for having miserable lives back on old earth. It’s a kind of negative reinforcement cycle with no purpose other than to repeat the loop.
Any mention of the word hell is usually coupled with something that’s supposed to be bad, but is actually kind of fun. Think along the lines of, “If you keep fondling your willy like that, you will end up in hell.”, or, “She’s such a mattress back, I hope she ends up in hell”, or, “Don’t do drugs. Drugs are bad. If you do drugs you will go to hell.”
This can all be pretty confusing.
The best thing about hell is that if you don’t believe in it, it ceases to be a problem. In fact, once you cease to pay hell any attention, life becomes strangely exciting and fun. Whoopee!
