Since 1902, the Marmite Food Extract Company has been hard at work offering their patented yeast extract to their adoring public. Or so they may believe. In actuality the public has had mixed reactions towards Marmite for all of the twentieth century.

It's one of those many food items in existence that mothers tell their children is good for them. Or in the example of the armed forces, a soldier's superiors told him to eat it because it's good for him. It's believed that Marmite is partially responsible for helping many soldiers overseas during the first and second World Wars in combating diseases caused by a deficiency in vitamins. Parents know the benefits of a vitamin-enriched diet for their children, which probably amounts for the sales of this product reaching well over 23 million by the 1990s, all to the chagrin of the children told to eat it.

Therefore Marmite¹ is a product equally loved and loathed by the UK public. Viscous in consistency, it is deceptively like crude oil in appearance. Indeed, this is what many would claim it to be, if it were not for the ingredients list. After all, the main ingredient for Marmite is spent brewer's yeast. How on earth the inventor decided that spreading fungus on a piece of toast may in fact taste quite nice is a mystery. However, considering that it is a byproduct of the fermentation of sugars into alcohol, one theory is that the inventor was drunk, and it probably seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

What's in Marmite?

• Yeast Extract : The extract of a fungus often used to ferment sugar to produce alcohol and carbon dioxide. The gas makes bread rise. In pure form, smells awful.
• Sodium Chloride : a.k.a. Salt. Nice on chips. Essential part of human diet. Comes from the sea, or underground deposits (from very old seas).
• Vegetable Extract : Well, er... it's vegetables, right, and they take stuff from them...
• Niacin : A nicer way of saying Nicotinic acid - which is a poncy way of saying part of the Vitamin B complex (Vitamin B3).
• Thiamin : Vitamin B1. Useful for Glycosis - part of respiration. Not that it matters.
• Spice Extracts : Well, they got these spices, right, and they sort of extracted bits out of them... don't ask me why they didn't use whole spices².
• Riboflavin : Vitamin B2 - The manufacturers are obviously trying to pretend that their product is not mostly constructed of Vitamin B by using long words.
• Folic Acid : Again, it's just another type of Vitamin B.
• Vitamin B12 : I think it's name is pretty self-explanatory. They must have run out of fancy Vitamin B words. Needed for producing proteins, red blood cells etc. etc.

Marmite is very potent stuff. It doesn't appear to contain much food,
and the food it does contain is only the extract. Although over 50% of it's ingredients are Vitamin B spelt in different ways, please bear in mind that the quantities differ - i.e. you are not consuming a jar of Vitamin B, but mostly Vegetable, Yeast and Spice extracts with a small quantity of B Vitamin variants.

Why eat it?

You will notice that, if you concentrate too hard on your Marmite
consumption, it isn't actually very nice. Let's face it: you suddenly
feel very hungry, and after years of your mother telling you to eat it (the jar proudly boasts of its high Vitamin B content) you reach into the cupboard for the inevitably sticky jar of Marmite. You're hungry, and it's bound to be good for you. If you're hungry enough, anything tastes nice.

Still, if your mother was the sort of mother to tell you to eat things that were good for you, that alone is a reason to eat it. What child would want to upset his or her mom? Vegetarians also know its advantages, and the fact it's 100% veggie based is further encouragement. Some Marmite slapped in between two slices of bread is an automatic veggie meal. And the overabundance of vitamins is yet another reason.

Oddly enough, because it tastes good is not on the top of the list of reasons, but if served properly a reason could quite possibly be because it tastes better than crude oil.

How to eat Marmite

If Marmite is applied correctly, and the base is prepared properly, it can pass as being delicious. It is a common mistake, especially of children and of inexperienced users, to apply Marmite to their bread (or bread-related product) as if it were Jam, Honey or any other popular spread.

This is a very, very bad idea. I did not eat Marmite for years, as my first experience of the substance was being forced to eat it, in a normal sandwich, spread so thick you could find the bodies of dinosaurs lying at the bottom. The overwhelming taste put me off: this absence of Marmite consumption throughout early life has left me an unstable and unbalanced character.

"I hate you, Mother!"

So without further ado, here is the proper way in how to eat Marmite without suffering from embarrassing side-effects.

1. Only use WHITE bread.
2. Toast the bread. No-one likes eating Marmite in a normal sandwich.
   As low-grade white bread is usually slightly damp, toasting is always
   advisable when using it in conjunction with any spread.
3. Butter the toast when it is STILL HOT. This way, the butter melts
   into the toast making in slightly mushy on top. Use spreadable butter because it melts faster and easier (but NOT margarine, as this ruins the oh-so-delicate taste).
4. Apply the Marmite thinly at first, until the whole of the buttered
   area is coated. Leaving small gaps randomly is advisable.
5. Continue to apply until the Marmite-saturation level is to your
   particular taste (this may take practice, but the rewards are great).
   In future preparation, you may wish to try adjusting the proportion of
   Butter to Marmite, until the levels are to your satisfaction.
6. Make sure you do not spend too long applying the Marmite to your
   toast: prolonged exposure to the butter will cause the toast to go soggy. You need to aim for a buttery top, but the toast must remain crisp. Do not, under any circumstances, use cold toast. COLD TOAST IS EVIL and will make a mockery of the whole affair: eating Marmite on cold toast, with unmelted butter is quite, quite revolting.

Marmite at large

Even if you follow the instructions above, you may still refuse to eat Marmite. This is perfectly natural.

The Manufacturer's attempts at using their slogan ''My Mate Marmite'' in their advertising did not prosper particularly well, but the later campaign's ''I HATE Marmite'' theme worked much better, using amusing advertising which actually stuck in the mind of the customer, no doubt resulting in a regrowth of consumers. Still, there are those who eat Marmite who cannot understand why they do, and there are those who do not eat Marmite who cannot understand why other people eat it.

All we know is that Marmite is good for you (with that amount of vitamins, it must be) because it tastes funny, people still buy it (and put plants in the old pots) people still hate it, and, it seems, it's here to stay.

Hooray!