The life cycle of a spider begins in the larval stage. Mother spiders prefer to deposit their baby caterpillars on your pillow, or, if you have sensibly slept in a hammock, on your toothbrush. This is so that, when they grow older, the infant spiders have good opportunities to infiltrate your body. Once they have entered your bloodstream or intestinal tract (by way of the ear) they develop fins in the second, or "next" stage. This is so that they can swim into your brain, where they multiply in size and begin their primary task - taking over your mind.

(NOTE: If you suspect a spider has affected you, but are still in possession of your mental capabilities, your safest option is to immediately turn over all of your money and valuables to me. In exchange for money, I will find good homes for them, and you can go and reclaim them after a cure has been found. First-time infectees often attempt to dislodge the brain-sucking insect by shuffling around downtown areas while muttering, but this is rarely effective.)

The best way to avoid spider infestation is to refrain from touching anything when you are asleep, including the floor, with any part of your body. This will minimize your risk.

Also, avoid contact with people that you suspect are victims of the spider epidemic. Common symptoms of infestation include reading novels with the author's name in large letters at the top, grinning like a character in a Mentos commercial, discussing personal problems in loud voices, and dropping profanity into the conversation as frequently as commas. If you are wearing proper protective gear (rain jacket, clogs, and lip gloss) and are trained in mind-reclamation, then you are the best chance these people have. Stalk them, wrestle them to the ground, and pull out their hair. Their bald heads will become cold and the freezing spider will crawl out of the nostrils, or, in some unfortunate cases, the eye sockets. Neutralize the spider with your towel, then swing it against the nearest grey brick building (Grey brick is the kryptonite of the spider, but beware! Red brick enhances their venomous evil strength, and you may become a victim yourself!)

If you are uncertain whether a person is under the control of a spider, quickly pull them to you and press their ear against your eye. If you are swift enough, you will be able to witness the spider withdrawing its breathing apparatus from the ear canal. If the suspect refuses to submit to your search, they are clearly under arachnid control. Follow the procedure described above.

Recent rumors have suggested that this outbreak has been engineered. Collaborators on Earth are often in the form of small male humans, and will refer to a mysterious entity known as "Spiderman." Under the guise of a superhero, this creature has insidiously spread the spider control even as far as the merchandising world! If this proves to be true, all those unaffected must join forces with Catwoman. I, personally, have witnessed cats eating spiders. It is a difficult decision, but what choice do we have?

You now have the information that you need to battle the epidemic - nay, the pandemic! - of spider controlling. Go forth, and slay the eight-legged fiends! Slay! Slay! Reclaim the brains of the lost millions!