Introduction

One of the first television mentions of a lifestyle known as 'Living apart together' was when prospective Conservative Party leadership candidates, David Cameron and David Davis, appeared head-to-head in a studio debate on a special edition of Question Time broadcast in the UK on Thursday, 3 November, 2005 on BBC1. Audience members from Nottingham grilled the pair on their policies and political visions.

Questioner, Steve Hayes: 'What will the candidates do to reaffirm family values and ensure that the tax system rewards marriage, rather than penalises it?'


David Dimbleby: 'David Davis, do you want special tax breaks for married people?'


David Davis: 'Yes, yes. I don't know if any of you have heard of a thing called LATs or LAT? What it stands for is Living Apart Together.



'We have a welfare and tax system where for some people it is profitable to "Live Apart Together" - to say one thing to the taxman and do another thing in reality. Now I think this is a corruption of our society, undermining marriage, undermining stable families. This is the sort of thing that creates future problems in our society. So what I want to see is both the welfare system and the tax system shaped so that we encourage stable families.


'Why? Because unstable families are the source of crime, they're the source of unemployment, they're the source of poor expectation and poor outcomes for youngsters, they're the source of antisocial behaviour - they are the source of many things with high welfare costs. So one of the most important things in a tax cutting agenda is to reshape welfare and reshape taxes so that they actually encourage stable families, to help the children of this country do well.'

David Dimbleby: 'Just so I get it clear, people who are in stable relationships but prefer not to get married wouldn't get any tax breaks?'

Click here to see the whole programme. For the particular mention of LATs select 'Family values' from the list of programme highlights.

It can be assumed that even though the two men were rivals for a job, since they were on the same side the expressed views on LATs (which would have been scripted for the programme) do reflect Conservative party policy rather than individual opinion. David Cameron, the eventual winner of the contest and current Conservative leader, has also expressed the party view that '...the tax and benefits system should encourage families to come together and stay together, and to support marriage'. However it is clear that there is a misunderstanding about what a LAT arrangement is or why stable couples might choose to live in different places.

The other side

So do policy makers have a better idea of LATs? The next UK Census will be in 2011 and the Labour government advisors are currently preparing the questions. In May 2005 the government issued a consultation document The 2011 Census:Initial View on Content for England and Wales – Socio-Demographic Context in which some initial plans for new census questions are outlined:

Introduction: 'It is important to consider what society will be like in 2011 as we need to understand the population we are trying to measure and the information we need to collect to comprehend an increasingly diverse society.'

page 9 'Family and household situations are becoming increasingly complex. The definitions and questions used in the 2011 Census need to recognise the different family and household situations that may exist. However, it may not be possible to capture all aspects of the complex living patterns via the Census...
'We also need to consider what information, if any, we could collect to understand couples who are living apart together.'

There will be a large-scale pilot for the 2011 Census in 2007¹. Between Census dates there are annual updates about population trends. In December 2005, whilst acknowledging that it might be difficult to define and measure, the government published an official 'First estimates' of LAT numbers. The working definition of LAT is given as ‘...a relationship in which the two partners regard themselves as a couple but they do not live in the same residence' putting these figures at about two million men and two million women in the UK and finding that 'three in ten men and women aged 16 to 59 who are not currently married or living as partners in the same home say they have a regular partner.' They note that since about half of this figure are quite young people and most of these are students, a more reliable estimate of adult LAT relationships in mid 2005 would be three in 20, or 15% of the adult British population under pensionable age.

To summarise, despite being confused about what LATs are, the Conservatives are actively planning to resrict this kind of living arrangement, especially where there are children, but the present Labour government intends to find out more about this previously unresearched 'type of living arrangement that is
becoming increasingly recognised in international demographic
literature' by actually asking people whose are in this situation. The Conservatives appear to assume that people only claim to live apart in order to cheat the tax and welfare system and to undermine family stability, which will result in antisocial behaviour. The Labour party believes in the existence of LATs but are curious to know more and have already started to ask.

But is there much more to a LAT arrangement? Is it a subversive tax dodge? Is it a increasingly popular alternative lifestyle? Is it matter of personal choice? Is it the next clearly identifiable demographic trend²?

Defining LATs

There is, as yet no exact agreement. For this particular entry, the author makes no distinction between hetrosexual or same-sex partnerships. A LAT arrangement can be for people living at the same address, but this entry refers to separate dwellings, unless otherwise stated. Therefore a LAT arrangement is loosely defined here as two people in an intimate and exclusive relationship, who may or may not be legally married and who choose to maintain separate living arrangements.

Some definitions would discount the younger adults or those in the early stages of a progressing relationship and only classify a partnership as a LAT if the couple were at a stage in life where they could live together if they wanted to, but they chose not to. They might never want to or they might recognise a LAT arrangement as the one that suits a current situation but not necessarily the future. Finances change, children grow up and so on.

'non-coresidential cohabitation'

'living distinctly, together'

'living alone together'

'one couple, two households'

'dual dwelling duos'

'long-term, two-home relationships'

A LAT arrangement does not imply that the relationship is failing. Some couples report that it keeps romance alive. Most LAT couples agree that it is their duality that keeps them together and that although each member of a couple chooses to keep their own household, they are in a committed, monogamous and loving relationship. They do a lot of things together, but maintain individuality. They keep their own homes, but continue to have an intimate relationship.

In June 2005 Womans Hour presenter Jenni Muray spoke to Fiona Williams, Professor of Social Policy at the University of Leeds, and author and ex-LAT Deborah Moggach about the new trend in the UK for such arrangements. Fiona Williams' research has shown that although 20 years ago a woman alone with children might have wanted to recreate the previous domestic arrangements with a new partner, women today do not feel this compulsion to aggregate all sections of their life. Some choose to keep child rearing apart from a new relationship, with separate commitments to both parts of their life.

Fiona Williams: 'What people were doing was working out the best way to maintain the integrity of these relationships which were important to them, apart from this new partner.'

It's not all about children. Reasons for wanting to maintain separate space are many and varied. Factors such as elderly parents, careers, avoiding domesticity, geographical locations and personal preference all play a part in decisions to live apart, as well as practical matters which make living together difficult, even if the couple would actually like to.

LATs around the world

Although in the UK LAT is an emerging trend and until the 2011 census 15% remains an estimate, such arrangements are well established in other countries, especially European ones such as Holland and Sweden. It's not particularly new. Of course, couples were living apart together before it had a name, but the phrase was first used in print in October 1978 when a Dutch journalist, Michel Berkiel, wrote an article in the Haagse Post about a phenomenon he had observed and in which he also lived with the person he loved.

Estimates of the amount of LAT partnerships can go out of date quite quickly. Once LATs were named and therefore became acceptable, more people were able to classify what they had thought was their own private arrangement Therefore the figures given for each country might be quite out of date and are probably higher than stated.

Sweden - In 2000 it was found that approximately five percent of people said they were living in a LAT relationship, which means about 150,000 persons or about 75,000 couples.

France - The French have the terms cohabitation intermittente and cohabitation alternée. Intermittente means the same as the LAT arrangement already defined. Cohabitation alternée, stands for alternating between the two dwellings. A 1996 study found that nearly six percent of the adult population in Paris were living in these kind of relationships.

Germany - Known as partnerschaften mit getrennten haushalten or 'partners with different households', a 1996 study found that about nine percent of people claimed they came into this category, although figures might have been skewed as it included students or people in new relationships rather than in long established ones.

America - 2003 census report found that three million married couples lived in separate residences. Some live in different units in the same apartment building; some in different cities; some just divide up the house they have into two addresses with one electricity bill. The New York Times ran a feature in 2006 called 'Home Alone Together' about the the European trend that had crossed the Atlantic. This cited research from the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, finding that, in the same way that every other significant European trend in family life has turned out to happen in America, LAT relationships are on the rise in the United States, too.

Canada - A recent Statistics Canada report discovered more couples were 'living apart together'. Eight percent of Canadians aged 20 and over fit into this category – one in 12.

Examples of LAT couples

British author Margaret Drabble and her husband Michael Holyrod live close to each other in London. He once told a newspaper reporter 'If we weren't married, people would say we were living together. But since we are married, they say we live apart.' Deborah Moggach and the cartoonist Mel Calman, lived two miles apart in London. Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy lived apart together before it even had a name. Woody Allen and Mia Farrow lived in separate luxury apartments on opposite sides of Central Park in New York³. Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre lived in different parts of Paris. Married musicians Toyah Wilcox and Robert Fripp live on different sides of the Atlantic.

However, a LAT arrangement need not be just for the high profile with the money to maintain separateness. Ordinary people on modest incomes do it too. The chances are that you know of couples who have the same address but different front doors or telephone numbers, or couples who have spent the last ten years with different addresses and show no signs of wanting to change that sitation. They can't all be fiddling the tax and welfare system, so why do people make this lifestyle choice?

Reasons for living apart together

For some people, living apart together is simply a preliminary stage in the process of getting married and they do intend to live together in the future. For others it is a way of preserving individuality and they never intend to change the situation. There are those who live apart because it is more financially beneficial to do so, such as lone parents or pensioners, although they may reject the idea this this is done with the intention of defrauding the tax and welfare systems. There might be small children or elderly parents living with one of the LAT partners and it would be disruptive to bring a new person into the existing living arrangements. Long distance relationships due to work or education opportunities may force people to live apart. Some people just prefer their own routines and decor.

Domestic arrangements

Couples who live together find themselves arguing about untidiness, remote controls, putting out the rubbish, toilet seats or toothpaste lids. For living apart couples these issues largely disappear⁴.

Deborah Moggach: 'We were always guests in each others places so I think when you're a guest, however well you know them, you behave better than if you are sharing a home.'

LAT couples make time to see each other, which can be planned to be private and exclusive. Each date means making the same kind of effort as had been the case at the start of the relationship. This keeps the partnership fresh and avoids slipping into a routine or taking each other for granted.

Family obligations

When a new relationship happens, it is important to consider existing home arrangements and responsibility for other people such as children or the elderly. The person with responsibility may feel pulled in both directions, wanting to maintain existing patterns, especially if these are harmonious, but also wanting to progress with fitting a new partner in. A LAT arrangement may be the ideal solution, either long term or during a transition period. This is not about letting children or elderly parents be selfish, or about making personal sacrifices because of a feeling of duty. Some people prefer to compartmentalise their life, to make a clear distinction between being a parent or carer and being a partner.

It is not about exchanging one family pattern for a new one since more problems may be caused by creating a step family and someone, somewhere is going to feel left out. A natural assumption is that it might be the children, but it could also be the new partner who can resent the time, or the existing close relationship between parents and children. An elderly parent might perceive that it won't be long before they are moved out into a care home to make way for a new partner. A LAT arrangement can reassure everyone that although things are different, there is security in knowing that some routines are the same. Progression towards full integration and living together can be made gradually without threatening existing or new patterns and without making anyone feel left out or anyone else feel guilty for neglecting responsibilities.

Financial implications for families

The Conservative implication of people living apart for financial gain cannot be overlooked here. The means-tested tax credit system was intended to encourage parents to return to work rather than making it more beneficial to remain on state support, by giving families with children and at least one partner working up to £100 a week in tax incentives. Unexpectedly there has been an extra consequence of it, in that some lone parents who meet a new partner seem to be working out whether their joint income means they should live together or apart and choosing the most financially attractive option. Single parents on the minimum wage stand to lose or gain between £52 and £100 a week (on average £80) dependent on the status of their relationship and who is in paid employment, so it may be more beneficial for them not to live together with a new partner. On the other hand for many people this incentive as long as one parent works has meant living together when they previously didn't. Research from Royal Holloway, presented to the Royal Economic Society in April 2006, estimates that as a result of tax credits there are 50,000 more couples since 1999 as a result, which isn't the implication given by the Conservatives.

Student Loans

UK students are eligible for a loan and their families are expected to top this up to provide enough money for basic living expenses. Low income families are able to apply for a variable additional means tested element of the loan to take it to the same amount. A single parent with a student to support will probably be able to qualify for all or some of this means tested element and may even qualify for a maintenance grant which does not need to be repaid. However, if the parent's partner moves into the family home their income is used for the assessment too. If this takes them out of means testing, the family will be expected to provide the student with money, regardless of whether or not the new partner intended to take on any step parent role for an over 18 living away from home. This includes all partnerships, married, civil or living together as if married and includes same sex. The deciding factor is whether they share an address⁵.

Pensions

The maximum UK full basic state pension for 2006-2007 for a single persion is £84.25 a week and for a married couple where both are retired it is £134.75. The rate does depend on whether both or only one of the couple have made full contributions through National Insurance during their working life. If people are entirely dependent on state pension, or have not made enough contributions then tax credits are available to take this to a maximum of £114.05 a week for a single person and £174.05 for a retired couple. If one partner works and the other is retired then it is likely that means testing the couple would not allow a tax credit application for the retired person, even if their state pension wasn't a full one, since their working partner would support them. A married woman who is reliant on her previous husband's National Insurance contributions for the assessment of her own may lose these if she remarries. Therefore, for pension age people it can be more financially beneficial to live apart from a new partner. The Census First estimate of LAT numbers does not include the over 60s.

Long distance love

We live in an increasingly mobile culture and some couples find themselves needing to sustain long distance relationships. It is no longer the case that if one person in a couple (usually the man) had to relocate for work, the other person would feel obliged to do so as well. The rise of e-communication makes the world a much smaller place. Relationships of all kinds, personal and professional are sustained by telephone, email, text messaging and webcams. It is not surprising therefore that the most intimate of relationships can be maintained in this way too. Couples who met online were considered an oddity only a few years ago but now it is accepted as a popular way to meet someone and get to know them. It may be months before a couple meet in person but they would still define themselves as being in a partnership, just living apart.

But why...?

One of the hardest things about living apart together is explaining it to family and friends, who may see it as a sign that the relationship is failing, or at least not progressing, or that one person in the relationship has a commitment problem or even a psychological fear of intimacy. People in a LAT arrangement however, seem to find the opposite. Relationships can be kept exciting and fresh, with every date a special one.

Deborah Moggach: 'Domestic routines are such passion killers... so lowering of the spirit! We had all the fun and none of the domestic stuff...it kept the romance alive over the ten years'

Disadvantages of Living apart together

A LAT arrangement is a luxury. It is costly to maintain dual households. On the other hand if the couple split up or divorce their separateness is already established.

LATs can favour one gender rather than the other. Despite womens equality, research shows they are still the ones who carry the burden of domestic chores if they live with a man. This is true even if the woman earns the same, or more than her partner. So it follows that if they don't live with the man they benefit from not having that burden. For some women, LAT means never having locate socks or wash underpants again.

Words like 'compromise' in a relationship carry the implication that at least one person will have to settle for less than they are, or have the potential to be. No one should feel they have to do that although of course some people choose to. It's about having the freedom to make the choice.

That freedom can mean that LAT relationships seem to be about being selfish and self centred. It's about the 'me first' mentality of the 21st century. There is a reluctance to compromise, to sacrifice, to give and to receive. Whether to live together, or not, can be less a romantic decision and more of a financial one. Economic independence means never having to learn about how to share space. But is the secret to a happy relationship less about the individuals and more about what is created when they get together?

Quotes

"A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is going to write." Virginia Woolf

"Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other." Rainer Maria Rilke