The Return of the Cheddar

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(Jenny May, Queen of Ebookus and Royal Fashion Designer, is admiring Queen Pamela’s new gown while King Lindsay sits sullenly in a corner with his thumb in his mouth.)

Jenny May: It looks wonderful on you, Your Majesty darlin!

Queen P: Why thank you, Jenny. What do you think, James?

King Lindsay: I want a banana. Now.

Queen P: I’m sorry, James, but you’ve already had too many bananas today, and you’ll only be sick if I let you have another.

(Lindsay pouts.)

(Just then, Hurricane, King of Ebookus and resident super hero, blows into the room, throwing the doors open.)

Hurricane: Jenny love, it’s time to go!

Jenny May (to Queen P as Hurricane hurries her away) : Goodbye darlin!

(The two monarchs of Ebookus blow out of the room together.)

King Lindsay: I want some cheese.

Queen P: No more cheese for you today, James.

King Lindsay: Waaaaaah! You never let me have anything I want!

Queen P: It’s for your own good.

(Lord Mike enters with Lance and Steven trailing aimlessly behind him.)

Lord Mike: Good day, Your Serene and Cloudless Majesty. My eyes cannot bear the sight of your brilliance.

Lance: Eh?

Steven (shrugging): Don’t ask me.

Queen P (brightly): Hullo chaps!

Lord Mike (bowing): Your Majesty!

Lance and Steven: Your Majesty!

(There is a short interval in which Lance and Steven try to bow but only succeed in falling on the floor.)

(When they are all sorted out, Lord Mike glances at King Lindsay.)

Lord Mike: What’s wrong with his Ickle Lindsayness over there?

(Lindsay glares at him and sticks out his tongue.)

Queen P: Oh, he wants another banana, but he can’t have it.

Lindsay: I want a banana.

Lord Mike: But Your High Lindsayness, it wouldn’t be good for your ickle wee tummy. You wouldn’t want to have a nasty big pain in your ickle insides, would you?

Lindsay: I want a banana.

(Lord Mike shrugs.)

Queen P: I say, you chaps, what have you done with Marian?

(All three start guiltily.)

Lord Mike (turning to the other two): I thought I left her with one of you two! Don’t tell me you left her behind!

Lance: I thought she was with you.

Steven: I thought she was on holiday in Siberia.

(Lord Mike and Queen P look at him oddly.)

Steven (pointing at Lance): That’s what he told me.

Lance (shifting his feet uncomfortably): Well, that’s what I thought.

Lord Mike: Never mind that now! Where did we lose her?

Steven: Who were we talking about again?

(Lord Mike sighs.)

Lord Mike: Can’t either of you do anything right?

Lance: I don’t think so.

Voice: Ahem!

(Out of the shadows by the door steps an eminently enigmatic figure: Lady Marian von Wer.)

Lady Marian: I was wondering how long it would take you chaps to notice. Hello, Your Majesty! How’s the kingdom-running business going? Booming, I trust?

Lord Mike: Ah, Marian! You are like the star of the morning, and without you there is no light... um... anywhere!

Lady Marian (raising her eyebrows): Is that so?

Lance: Lord Mike thought we’d lost you!

Lord Mike: Quiet!

Lord Mike (to Marian): Don’t listen to that fool over there; you know how he is. How could we ever forget you?

Lady Marian: I see.

Lord Mike (suddenly): Er... to the Mills-Mobile!


Lady Marian: Where are we going, Lord Mike?

Lord Mike (enigmatically): Erm... somewhere... in the country.

Lady Marian: Yes, I gathered that from the narration.

Lord Mike: Ah... did you?

Lady Marian: Yes.

(Uncomfortable silence because no one can think of anything else to say.)

Steven: But that doesn’t usually stop us, does it?

(No, you’re right.)


Steven: Where?

(Give me a second... a sinister-looking CHEESE SHOP!!)

Steven: Wow.

Lord Mike (enigmatically): Quite impressive, really.

(Thank you.)

(Ahem. Lord Mike and Lady Marian enigmatically step out of the Mills-Mobile and Lance and Steven trail after them.)


(Behind the bar sits a sinister-looking Cheese Seller with an eyepatch, a scar, and a huge waxed moustache. He is staring in a sinister way at some cheese lying in front of him.)

Steven: Holy limburger, Lord Mike, it’s a piece of cheese!

Lord Mike (enigmatically): Yes, Steven, and I think it’s... cheddar!

Lance (recoiling in horror): Oh no!

Lord Mike: Yes, Lance, I’m afraid so. I hope there are no children watching this.

Lady Marian (gesturing to Lance and Steven): What about them?

Lord Mike: Um... yes, but it can’t be helped now! Sinister Cheese Seller, surrender the cheddar!

Sinister Cheese Seller: Eh?

Lord Mike: The cheddar, my good man, the cheddar.

Sinister Cheese Seller: Never! You’ll never take it from me! Bwahahahahahaha!

Lady Marian (enigmatically): That sounds like...

Lord Mike (more enigmatically): The Stainless Steel Rat! (to Marian) I wish you wouldn’t steal my lines in public.

Lady Marian: Oops, sorry. But you took the best ones before I even got here!

Lord Mike (enigmatically): That’s because I was... here first! (to SSR) The cheddar, if you please... you despicable Rat!

SSR (his lip quivering): What?

Lady Marian (patiently): He said you were a despicable Rat.

SSR: But... why?

Lance and Steven: Yes, why?

Lord Mike: Because he is one, of course!

SSR: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Lady Marian: I think you’ve hurt his feelings.

Lord Mike (enigmatically): You may be right.

Steven: Don’t cry, you can’t help being a rat.

Lance: I can’t help being a bumbling sidekick, can I?

Lord Mike (shouting over the noise): Stop crying and give me that cheddar!

SSR (stopping suddenly): Well, of course, if you really want it.

Lance: Do we?

Lord Mike: Of course we do, it is of vital importance.

SSR (sniffling): Here you go.

Lady Marian: But... aren’t you the Stainless Steel Rat?

SSR: Who me? I’m just a Cheese Seller, like the Narrator said.

Lord Mike: Oh.

Steven: But you look so sinister!

Lance: And you have a very scary laugh.

SCS: Well, that isn’t my fault!

Lady Marian: No, of course not. We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. We thought you were someone else.

SCS: Oh, alright then. Goodbye!

(Waves cheerfully.)


Lord Mike: And so, Your Majesty, that is how we defeated the evil forces against us and saved the day again.

Queen P: Ah. I see. Where is this cheddar, by the way?

(There is an insane cackle and Lindsay is seen running from the room, a lump of a strange material resembling cheese in his hands.)

Lady Marian: Erm... out there somewhere?

Lord Mike: Hm... so it seems, Marian, so it seems.

Queen P: Oh no, now the poor ickle man will be sick!

Lord Mike: Oh dear. How sad.

Queen P: What was that?

Lance: He said--

Lord Mike (stepping hard on Lance’s foot): Er... More beer, I’m mad.

Queen P: Yes, I agree with Lord Mike. It’s very sad, isn’t it, Marian?

Lady Marian (nodding gravely): Indeed it is.

Lance: Why did you step on my foot?

Steven: I want a banana.

(Everyone looks oddly at Steven, except Steven that is.)

Steven: What?


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