How NOT to utilize the services of Kinko's
Created | Updated Aug 21, 2003
After two years of working at the fine establishment known as Kinko's (a photocopying joint, for those of you not familiar) there are some things I wish the customers would know BEFORE they come to us. Most of it is common sense, but then again people seem to leave theirs at the door in my experience. Basically, this is a huge rant. Enjoy!
The Front Counter:
1. No job of any type will take less than fifteen minutes. Fifteen is the minimum. No, we will NOT just go do it for you. There are procedures, and reasons for said procedures. Get over it.
2. If you are bringing me a disk, do not expect anything to be edited or changed in any form from what you have on that disk. If you can't do it, why do you think I can? Also, I am not going to give you a service we charge at 90$ an hour for free.
3. No, we cannot just "quickly type up your resume" from your handwritten notes. What do I look like, your secretary?
4. We cannot print on vellum. Ever. EVER. The machines eat it. Go to an offset printer.
5. We cannot print on anything smaller than 8.5 x 11. Ever. EVER. Really. Go to an offset printer.
6. If you leave your job overnight, you have a better chance of it being done on time.
7. Do not complain to me about a. "my" machines b. the copy card system c. the prices d. how your job was ran. I have no control over the first three and I probably never touched your job. Tell me you're unhappy, ok, fine. But if you continue to talk my ear off I reserve the right to throw you headfirst out of my store, because you are the 15,000th person to make the mistake of pushing the clerk's buttons.
8. If I am with a customer, I will not listen to you right now. Do not excuse me/tap me/make a face/sigh/and or whine loudly to the person you are accompanied by. This will only serve to make me either ignore you or publicly humiliate you.
9. If I walk away from someone to help you, chances are I am going to walk away from you, too. When this happens, calling me obscene names is not going to help you, and will probably get you thrown headfirst out of the store.
Stock
1. No, we do not carry vellum. Or "see-through" paper. Or black paper. Or sheets of paper bigger than 11 x 17. Or construction paper. WE CANNOT COPY ON IT. THEREFORE THERE IS NO POINT TO US STOCKING IT, IS THERE?
2. If it's not out there, we don't have it. Go elsewhere.
3. No, we do not carry posterboard. Plan ahead.
4. No, we do not carry stamps. We may have a FedEx, but we are not affiliated with them. This is not the post office.
5. No, we do not have a postal scale. Even if we did, we have no way of telling you how much it means you need to put on there. Did I mention this is not the post office?
Fed Ex
1. No, I cannot take your payment for FexEx. I work for KINKO'S.
2. No, I have no idea where another frickin' FedEx drop off is. Do you SEE the lack of FedEx logos anywhere on my body?
3. Post offices are closed on Sundays. Why the hell would a silly little FedEx kiosk be open? Are you on drugs?
Express
1. No, we are not here to just make &@#$@&(*#$@#& copies for you. That is not my job. My job is to help you along. If you are in a self-serve area, this means you SERVE your SELF.
2. THE COPIES ARE NOT GOING TO BE PERFECT. You're the doofus who didn't want to wait over in full serve. Yes, they cost ten cents each. However, the machine can't do much if the operator is a moron.
3. Don't whine at me if the machine does weird things to your copies. Just tell me you had some bad ones and I will edit your damn card. Trust me, the whining makes me want to lie to you and sabotage your experience here.
4. If you have a color enlargement of a photo, be prepared to wait. Period. You are less important than my other customers because you are asking me for something that takes three minutes as opposed to their thirty seconds.
5. We can't copy copyrighted stuff. This means : professional photos, maps, books, art prints, stickers, CD covers, color birth certificates, and most especially passes and legal documents. We can get sued. You can get sued. It's crap all around. Don't do it. We WILL shred your copies. Fool.
6. Upper left hand corner. Long side to the left.
7. No, you can't just put coins in the machine. Unless you want it to no longer work. In which case you can pay for the 30,000$ sucker, and explain it to Xerox.
8. YES, YOU HAVE TO BUY A CARD. EVEN FOR ONE COPY. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE 57 AND BLIND. THE MACHINE WILL NOT WORK WITHOUT A CARD.
Computers
1. If you are an idiot and cannot even turn on a computer on your own, or do not know what the Start Menu or doubleclicking is, leave now. We cannot help you that much. Ever. (And these people live in Silicon Valley? WTF!)
2. You should never try to use the computers with less than $5 on your card. The time will go by too fast and then you will be whining at me that your session is going to expire. In which case I will laugh maniacally in your face.
Business Cards
1. No business cards in less than three days, bub. Go home and cry now.
2. Yes, you have to pay just for them to create the file. What do you think this is, a charity?
3. CHECK TO MAKE SURE IT'S SPELLED RIGHT. And yes, you always want a proof.
4. If you're running anything through technology services, never expect it to be done on time. Just don't. You'll be a much happier person.
5. If you're getting color, get double sided gloss, it's the way to go. But if you do, be aware it's a lighter stock than the standard cardstock. Don't start yelling at me when you pick them up. *rolls eyes*
In conclusion, anyone who is a customer should be aware than unless you have been coming there for more than a year, I probably hate you. With the possible exception of those rare few that are easy to deal with, all people who have been using Kinko's for less than a year get whiny and expect things they cannot have. Well, they can have them in their minds, just not in this store, baby.
