As any hiker will tell you, there are generally two types of drink available to them during their travels, Tea(qv), and Not-Tea. However, novice hikers are in constant danger of death, malnutrition, spontanous combustion and even losing their car-keys and waking up on a different planet from the many varieties of Not-Tea available to them.

By far the most dangerous Not-Tea on Earth has been the downfall of even experienced travellers over the years. The so-called 'Long Island Iced Tea' is not, as it's name sugests, a simple infused beverage made from regionally grown leaves with it's inherant Brownian Motion reduced through careful application of the laws of thermodynamics.. It is, instead, one of the most potent forms of alcholic drink known to humankind.

While composition varies (refer to the Universal Alcoholic Table), the standard Long Island Iced Tea comprises equal parts Tequila, Rum, Vodka, Gin and Triple Sec, with Cola and Sour Mix thrown in to make it look more like tea.

Most other Non-Teas may be easily detected by the simple fact that they do not go under the name 'Tea'. However, you can use the following checklist to ensure that you have not purcahsed an insidious Not-Tea by accident.

Test 1. Drink some - carefully - feel your tongue. Is it:

a) refreshed and tasting lightly of tannins?

b) tasting distinctly of lactose or lemon?

c) numb?

Test 2. How much did you pay for your drink?

a) Less than you would pay for a 'beer'.

b) It was free, given to you by a van marked 'Help for the Homeless'.

c) Rougly the same as Luxembourg's GNP last year.

Test 3. Take a lighted match and touch it to the liquid. Do not look into the liquid as this happens! Did it:

a) extinguish the match?

b) remove your eyebrows?

c) turn into a ball of flame and shoot vertically toward the ceiling?

If you answered c at least twice, you probably have a Long Island Iced Tea. If you answered b to the third test - please note that h2g2 does not accept responsibility for your actions. Please refer to 'Burns Unit' for assistance.

See Also: Tea, Alcohol, Hangover