Attack of the Spoilers!
Created | Updated Jul 23, 2003
Continuing the posting of the 'classic' adventures from the Lord Mike Saga we now bring you the longest ever adventure, 'Attack of the Spoilers!', an exciting tale of duplicates, secret hideouts, rocket-powered walking canes, continuity errors and incomprehensible accents. Enjoy!
ATTACK OF THE SPOILERS!
INT. MILLS HOUSE
(Lord Mike and General Ford and sitting in the study of Mills House)
LORD MIKE: ... and then it turned out that he wanted to build a channel tunnel!
(They both laugh)
GENERAL FORD: Happy days
(Sir Lance walks in with a tea tray laden with biscuits, purple iguanas and, oddly enough, tea)
SIR LANCE: Anyone for purple iguanas?
GENERAL FORD: Oh yes please!
LORD MIKE: Just the tea for me old chap
(Steven and Lance look at Lord Mike as if he is mad)
SIR LANCE: Suit yourself (under his breath) weirdo
LORD MIKE: Anyway, clear off, Steven and I are reminiscing
SIR LANCE: Can't I reminisce?
LORD MIKE: On your own, yes
SIR LANCE: Why can't I reminisce with you two?
GENERAL FORD: Because the teacher said we had to work in pairs
SIR LANCE: Well I know something you don't know
LORD MIKE: Your eyes are going green again...
SIR LANCE: Yes, but as well as that, this board keeps disappearing!
LORD MIKE: 'Ee gads man! To the Mills-Mobile!
INT. MILLS-MOBILE
GENERAL FORD: So where are we going anyway?
LORD MIKE: Well the Mills-Mobiles instruments indicate the centre of
the anomalies to be a small potting shed outside of Berkshire
SIR LANCE: What instrument's telling you that then?
LORD MIKE: The tuba
(Drums: boom-tish)
(General Ford looks out of the window)
GENERAL FORD: Haven't we been down this street before?
SIR LANCE: Hold on ...
GENERAL FORD: What is it now?
SIR LANCE: Why is there a driver in the front seat, where you should
be?
LORD MIKE: CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER!
GENERAL FORD: I want some QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS!
SIR LANCE: I'm after DVD AND VIDEO ...
GENERAL FORD: I'm a GENERAL, you know.
SIR LANCE: Illusionth .. phantomth of the mind!
GENERAL FORD: What has your Jon Pertwee impression got to do with
this scene?
DRIVER: Where to Squire?
LORD MIKE: Shut up. I drive my own car anyway.
DRIVER: Oh. (Opens door and walks out).
SIR LANCE: Something strange is going on, I can feel it ... Why has
the car suddenly stopped?
GENERAL FORD: Because the driver's got out. Twit.
SIR LANCE: Oh
(Lord Mike climbs into the driver's seat and soon they are driving
along again)
SIR LANCE: So, Holmes, any idea why the tuba's telling us to go to
Derbyshire?
GENERAL FORD: If you ask me the tuba's lying. Never trust anything
that makes that much wind
SIR LANCE: Yeh, Steve's right try some of the other instruments
(Lord Mike makes some adjustments)
LORD MIKE: Sorry about that but my underpants were riding up a bit
(Lord ike adjusts the instruments)
LORD MIKE: Aha! I've picked up the signal on a bass guitar
GENERAL FORD: Where's it heading?
LORD MIKE: Hang on, I'll triangulate
(Lord ike picks up a small metal rod and taps the triangle)
SIR LANCE: This is Attack of the Spoilers you know, not Attack of the
Puns!
GENERAL FORD: Is it me or are we taking it in turns to speak?
LORD MIKE: I hadn't noticed that
SIR LANCE: Me neither
GENERAL FORD: You see, here you go again!
LORD MIKE: Could this be another effect of the Spoiler Board?
SIR LANCE: Ee gads Holmes; I think you've got it!
SIR LANCE: I think I've spotted a clue!
LORD MIKE: Yes?
SIR LANCE: Who is this "Lord Ike" person?
(A moments thought, then ...)
LORD MIKE: I don't know any fellow Lord Protector with the name
Ike...
SIR LANCE: If that is so ... then why does the narrator keep
mentioning a "Lord Ike"???
GENERAL FORD: Egads! You're so clever Lord Mike! Fancy noticing that!
LORD MIKE: Thank you Steven.
SIR LANCE: Hold on...
INT. SECRET BASE
(Two figures watch the three on a monitor. They turn to camera and we see...)
LORD IKE and STEFEN FJORD!
LORD IKE (Who is exactly like Lord Mike but wears an eye patch and has a Scots accent): Hahaha! Soon they will fall into my deadly trap of deadliness, laddy
STEFEN FJORD: And I shall have my revenge on my English cousin Steven Ford!
LORD IKE: But first we must outline our plans for no apparent season
STEFEN FJORD: Ah yes, that is indeed a most important part of the plot. In fact, it is vital!
LORD IKE: You said it, laddy. Now, what we plan to do is to lure Lord Mike and the others to an abandoned air strip just outside of Wimbeldon
STEFEN FJORD: Where we shall set out deadly Wombloids on them! The Wombloids will do many strange hings to them
LORD IKE: But not to me, I'm no leaning that way, you know what I mean?
(STEFEN FJORD thinks about this)
STEFEN FJORD: I think his catchphrase is better
LORD IKE: D'you want a punch y' Norwegian Pansey?!
STEFEN FJORD (hurriedly): But yours is so much more poetic
Stefen Fjord: So, are we going to wreak havoc on that silly-billy cousin of mine, and his friend Lord Mike, Lord Ike?
Lord Ike: Who?
Stefen Fjord: Lord Mike. That Welsh one who's saved the world no less than 22 times already, and that was just in the last three hours. In actual fact, you mentioned him in your speech above, in all honesty.
Lord Ike: Oh, that little imposterrr! The wee poncy scallywag has stolen hee name from me! Wait till ah get the little ...
Stefen Fjord: So we go now to Britain?
Lord Ike: Noo, noo we don't.
Stefen Fjord: Why is that we do not?
Lord Ike: 'Cause is we wait til the next sequel, we can say the whole kitankaboodle is a story arc.
Stefen Fjord: Oh yes. Silly-billy me, what?
Lord Ike: What arre yoo on aboot, yoo silly little mahn?
Stefen Fjord: Was my English impression. Good yes?
EXT. SWAMPLAND
(Lord Mike, Sir Lance and General Ford stand by the Mills-mobile. For miles around, they are surrounded by a filthy, smelly, overgrown, slimy and generally unattractive swamp.)
Sir Lance: Eep! We're surrounded!
General Ford: What?
Sir Lance: The Narrator just said so! What'll we do!
Lord Mike: Be quiet, the Narrator didn't say we were surrounded, he was just setting the scene!
Sir Lance: Oh.
Lord Mike: Now let the Narrator talk, and don't interrupt him again; (lowering his voice) we don't want to offend the Narrator, or he might leave.
(AHEM! Sir Lance nods, doing a fairly good impression of someone who understands what's going on.)
(There is nothing but swamplands to be seen anywhere, except for the large, dark, craggy, forbidding mountain directly in front of our heroes - and Sir Lance - exuding fear, evil, and despair.)
Lord Mike: Not bad at all!
(Thank you.)
Lord Mike (pointing with his cane): That must be the secret hideout of my evil nemesis, Lord Ike!
General Ford: And my evil nemesis, Stefan Fjord!
(Sir Lance pouts and looks sulky.)
General Ford: What's wrong?
Sir Lance: I haven't got an evil nemesis.
Lord Mike (expansively): That's all right. If you're good, maybe you
can have one in the next story.
Sir Lance: Really?
Lord Mike: I said, 'maybe'. Now come on, and watch out for all this
fear, evil and despair: the place is thick with it.
(As they are about to enter the mountain, they suddenly realise they
don't know how to get in.)
General Ford: He says we can't get in.
Lord Mike: Yes, I heard him.
General Ford: What should we do now, Lord Mike?
(As Lord Mike and General Ford think, and Sir Lance just stands there
looking dull, Lady Marian makes a fairly good first attempt at stepping enigmatically from behind a secret passage into the mountain.)
Lady Marian: Lord Mike! Hello, chaps!
Lord Mike: Very well done for a beginner.
Lady Marian (curtseys): Why thank you! I thought it was about time I started.
General Ford: How did you get here, in the middle of this swamp which stretches on as far as the eye can see?
Lady Marian: Well, I was out for a walk around town, and I ended up
here. I think I'm lost, I've never seen this part of town before.
Sir Lance: But this is the hideout of the evil Stefan Fjord and his new ally, Lord Ike! It must have the highest concentration of solid evil in a radius of several miles in the whole Universe!
Lady Marian (recoiling): Horror!
Lord Mike: But don't worry, we're going to foil their fiendish plots!
Lady Marian: Oh, that's a relief!
(After a fair amount of talking, arsing around and generally not doing anything, Lord Mike finds the door handle)
Lord Mike: Chaps, I've found the door handle
Others: We heard
Lord Mike: Oh, right
(Lord Mike opens the door and they enter a dark, dank, smelly tunnel)
Sir Lance: It's so dank...
General Ford: ...and dark...
Lady Marian: ...and smelly...
Lord Mike (enigmatically): Smelly, yes...
(The others stare at him oddly)
Lord Mike: I say, you're all staring at me, oddly too!
Lady Marian: Shall we get on with it?
Lord Mike: Well, this is all a bit sudden, I mean, aren't I supposed
to ask you out for dinner first?
(Lady Marian slaps Lord Mike. Sir Lance and General Ford snigger.
Lady Marian leads the way along the tunnel; Lord Mike follows, rubbing his cheek)
General Ford: It's odd isn't it?
Sir Lance: What, blue cheese?
General Ford: No, though admittedly that is odd, but megalomaniacs
always leave secret passages into their hideouts
Sir Lance: Must be a power thing...
(They stop)
Lady Marian (beginner enigmatically): There's someone in the tunnel
with us
Lord Mike (proper enigmatically): Yes, Lance...
Lady Marian: No, someone else
Sir Lance: I know who it is!
Lord Mike: Shut up!
William Hartnell: No, no, let the boy speak. What is it, hmm?
Sir Lance: My evil Welsh counterpart, Llance Boyohlis!
Lord Mike: You what?
Sir Lance: Yes. He's a professional Billy Hartnell impersonator, you
see.
(Llance stands, holding his lapels and looking down his nose at them
all.)
Llance Boyohlis: D'you not see m'boy, eh?
Lord Mike. Yes I do. That's what my two eyeballs are for.
Lady Marian: Do you know, that frock coat and waistcoat suit you.
Lord Mike: Why thank you, my dear.
Lady Marian: I was referring to the Hartnell impersonator.
Lord Mike: Oh.
(General Ford thinks for a moment, coming up with a plan of rare
cunning and genius.)
General Ford: Do you know, I've got a plan.
Lord Mike: No doubt one of rare cunning and genius?
General Ford: Yes. Run!
(As they run up the tunnel, Llance Boyohlis hobbles after them with
his cane for a moment, then pauses.)
Llance Boyohlis: Oh deary me. I shall have to give chase, shall I not
hmm?
(He activates a button on his cane and a huge rocket engine appears
underneath it. He jumps onto it, broomstick style, and speeds after them with a mighty flame following his cane.)
(Lord Mike realises, and activates his own cane engine.)
Lord Mike: Quick, everybody onto the cane!
(A chase scene ensues, including "Keystone Cops" style "Silent film
era" chase music.)
(Lord Mike and Llance skilfully guide their canes along the tunnel, Lord Mike having to shout to the others which way to turn at each corner)
Sir Lance: Watch out for the Ewoks
Lord Mike: Left!
(Lord Mike's cane swings to the left, narrowly avoiding an Ewok and
ducking under a tree root)
General Ford: Look, there!
Lady Marian: What is it?
Lord Mike: It's the Golden Snitch! If we get that then the game ends
and we score an extra one hundred and fifty points for our house!
(Lord Mike reaches out for the Golden Snitch, but Llance pulls up
along side. They both struggle to grab it; Lord Mike's finger tips tap the ball. In a rare moment of heroic-ness Sir Lance leaps across onto Llance's cane, trying to pull him off)
Sir Lance: Steve, help me!
(General Ford leaps across as well, with a yell the cane veers off course and crashes to the floor. Lord Mike grabs the Golden Snitch and holds it aloft with both hands)
Lord Mike: Yes!
Lady Marian: For God's sake, hold on to the cane!
Lord Mike (sheepishly): Oh yes
(He pops the ball in his pocket and grabs hold of the cane. They round a corner and are faced with-)
Lady Marian: A dead end!
(I wanted to say that)
(Lady Marian scratches her head in confusion.)
Lady Marian: But that's impossible! How can we have reached a dead end? What’s the point of having a secret tunnel into your fortress, only to have it end with a blank wall?
Lord Mike (enigmatically): Because you can.
Lady Marian: There has to be more to this.
(While Lady Marian and Lord Mike begin searching the walls, Sir Lance and General Ford get up from the wreckage. Unbeknownst to General Ford, it is not Sir Lance at all but rather Llance, who has switched clothing with his counterpart.)
Llance (as Lance): Shh! Don't tell him!
(It's alright, General Ford never pays any attention to me anyway.)
Llance (as Lance): Oh ... this old body of mine is wearing a bit
thin!
General Ford: What?
Llance (as Lance): Oh, erm, nothing young man, nothing. Should we
follow up ... on Lord Mike and Lady Maryann, hmm?
General Ford: There's something fishy going on here, and it's not my lunch.
Llance (as Lance): Nonsense m'boy! Quickly, let us hurry before they escape eh?
General Ford: Alright then.
Lord Mike: I've got it!
Lady Marian: Got what?
Lord Mike: The rhythm!
Lady Marian: And anything useful?
Lord Mike: Well... I've figured out how to get us into the fortress
Lady Marian: How?
(Lord Mike reaches into his pocket and pulls out the Golden Snitch. There is an indentation in the wall)
Lady Marian: So that's what you're going to do
(Lord Mike nods)
Lord Mike (to the ceiling): Alright, let us in or the Golden Snitch
gets it!
(A hatch opens in the ceiling and a ladder drops down)
Lady Marian: Not quite as subtle as I thought
(Lord Mike shrugs and climbs up the ladder)
(Lord Mike reaches the top of the ladder, and waits a few moments for Lady Marian to appear. She doesn't.)
Lord Mike: Are you coming, Lady Marian, or do I have to leave without you?
(There is no answer.)
Lord Mike: Oh, I suppose I'll have to go bring her up, if she's scared of heights. She might have said something though...
(He climbs down the ladder to find - nothing. There is no one there.)
Lord Mike: Where's she gone? Oh, if she's been captured, I'll never forgive myself! Serves me right for forgetting my manners so far as to not let the lady go first.
(Meanwhile...)
INT. SECRET EVIL HIDEOUT IN THE MIDDLE OF EVIL MOUNTAIN
Stefan Fjord: How long must we wait!
Lord Ike: Ooh, ach, have a wee spot o' patience, laddie. They'll be coomin' soon enough, Ah ween.
Stefen Fjord: Years, long, long years have I waited for my revenge on them! Especially that goody-two-shoes cousin of mine - and Lady Marian! No one escapes Stefan Fjord and lives!
Lord Ike: Yearrs, ye say, laddie? Why, it canna ha' been morrre than few weeks since ye first met them, mahn!
Stefan Fjord: Irrelevant prattle! Look!
(Suddenly, on the monitor screen, Lord Mike appears, wandering around the underground passages searching for Lady Marian.)
Lord Ike: Ach, there he be, the scoundrrrrrrel! Ah'll ha' him, one way, or t'other!
(The image changes into that of General Ford and Llance (still as Sir Lance) wandering aimlessly around.)
Stefan Fjord: There! That is him; the goody-goody mamma's-baby! Ooooh!
(Stefan Fjord rushes out after General Ford. Lord Ike stands and fumes.)
Lord Ike: Ah'll get him... Ah'll get him...!
A Voice: Ah, yes, perhaps you vill. But how?
Lord Ike: Who be therrrre?
Voice: It is I - Lady Mariona Vanverinski! But you may call me
Marion, my good Lord Ike. (A heavily veiled woman, dressed in a long
black fir-trimmed dress steps out from the shadows where she has been
standing. She lifts her veil, revealing a strikingly beautiful,
slightly foreign-looking face, surrounded by neatly arranged jet-black hair - which nevertheless vaguely resembles Lady Marian.)
Lord Ike: Ach, weel, but who arre ye?
Lady Marion: I am the evil Russian nemesis of that detestable girl,
Lady Marian von Wer, now companion to Lord Mike Mills in his adventures. I have svorn vengence on her! And I come vith a proposition for you, Lord Ike.
Lord Ike: Weel, and what would that be, lassie?
Lady Marion: You vant Lord Mike, yes?
Lord Ike: Ach, an' do Ah!
Lady Marion: Vell good, and I vant Lady Marian! I vill help you - eef
you vill get me Lady Marian!
(Elsewhere...)
General Ford: Look, are you sure you know where you're going?
Llance: Yes, yes, I most certainly do, m'boy. You doubt my ability?
General Ford: No, no. But why are you talking like William Hartnell?
(Llance suddenly ducks into a secret passage, closing it as General
Ford tries to follow him. Leaving General Ford at the mercy of his
evil Norwegian cousin, Stefan Fjord, who even now rushes towards him,
bent on revenge...)
Can General Ford escape his Norwegian nemesis? Can Lord Mike escape
the evil Lady Marion and Lord Ike? Will Sir Lance notice he's lost?
And whatever happened to Lady Marian? Find out - soon.
INT. SECRET HIDEOUT
(Lord Ike fumes silently, having run out of things to say in his
limited Scotch dialect. Suddenly, Lady Marian tumbles through a
secret door in the wall. Lord Ike stands over her.)
Lord Ike: Ach, a bonny wee lassie!
Lady Marian: Hullo, Lord Mike! Oh, I'm so glad to see you! I just
leaned against the wall and it gave way. How did you get here? Wait a
moment. (She looks uncertain) Are you Lord Mike?
(Lord Ike points at his eye patch)
Lord Ike: Does i' look like i' lassie?
(Lady Marian frowns)
Lady Marian: No, it doesn't look like Lassie
Lord Ike: Why you li'le-
Lady Marion: No, the girl is mine!
(Lady Marian gasps as she catches sight of Lady Marion)
Lady Marian: My evil Russian Nemesis Lady Marion who curiously has
never been mentioned before
Lady Marion: Quiet you insufferable girl
(Lady Marion clicks her gloved fingers Master-style and a pair of
muscular men appear from the shadows)
Lady Marian: I wish I could do that!
Lady Marion: Quiet! Guards, take her away and once you've done
that... report to my bed chamber
(The burly guards nod, grab hold of Lady Marian and lead her off set.
Lady Marion and Lord Ike hold their positions for a few moments
before relaxing and looking off set, not realising the camera hasn't
stopped filming)
INT. SECRET PASSAGE
(Lord Mike is strolling along the dank, dark passage, whistling a
tune)
Teacher: Mills! Stop whistling!
(Lord Mike stops and gasps)
Lord Mike: It's the Teacher, my old enemy!
Teacher: Yes Mills, it is
Lord Mike: I know it is I just said so
Teacher: Are you trying to be clever?
Lord Mike: Not just trying, succeeding!
Teacher: Quiet!
Lord Mike: Sorry sir... just one question
Teacher: What?
Lord Mike: How did you survive that fall into a giant cup of fruit
tea?
Teacher: Simple, all teachers drink fruit tea for a living, it is our
life force!
Lord Mike: Ah, that would explain why you're seventeen feet tall
Teacher: Precisely! Now, I shall kill you! Unless, you can answer
this question, "What is the capital of Australia?"
(A look of horror on Lord Mike's face before we cut to credits and
theme music)
Lord Mike Theme (composed by Matt Painter):
(To the tune of Danger Mouse)
He's dramatic, and romantic,
Whenever there is danger he'll be there,
Conquers evil,
Quite fantastic,
And he does it all with lightly coiffured hair,
It's Lord Mike...
It's Lord Mike...
It's Lord Mike!
PART TWO
Lord Mike: How did you survive that fall into a giant cup of fruit
tea?
Teacher: Simple, all teachers drink fruit tea for a living, it is our
life force!
Lord Mike: Ah, that would explain why you're seventeen feet tall
Teacher: Precisely! Now, I shall kill you! Unless, you can answer
this question, "What is the capital of Australia?"
(A look of horror on Lord Mike's face)
INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SECRET PASSAGE
(Sir Lance comes around to find himself alone)
Sir Lance: What happened?
Sir Lance (voice in his head): You were knocked unconscious
Sir Lance (actual voice): Oh no, it's my brain talking to me again; I
thought I'd got rid of you!
Sir Lance (vo): Nope
Sir Lance (av): Fiddle sticks!
Sir Lance (vo): What about them?
Sir Lance (av): Well, I was just thinking, if I had some then I could
snap them in half, two half make a hole and I could climb through
that to safety
(Drums: boom-tish)
Sir Lance (vo): It won't work Lance
Sir Lance (av): Who are you to say it won't, I'm going to do it now
just to annoy you!
(Sir Lance wanders off, looking for some fiddle sticks)
INT. MEANWHILEUS INCONGRATUS
Steven glares angrily at Stefan, who glares angrily back. There are a tense 32 seconds, followed by 5 seconds which are slightly less tense.
Stefan Fjord: Ah, Mr Ford.
Steven: Ah, Mr Fjord.
Stefan: You always had to be the good cousin didn't you. You just had
to think that that V in your name instead of an F, and that lack of J
made you better than me. Did you think that having a V in your name gave you the right to save the world?
Steven: That nefarious J located in your name led you down the evil
path, Stefan.
Stefan: Maybe, maybe, but this time I have an evil, insidious,
disgusting, foul, adjective defying plan that cannot fail.
Steven: What is your plan, O fiendish one?
Stefan: I'm going to remove the V from your name, and put it into my
own name!
Steven: What! No! You can't. That means I'd just be Steen.
Stefan: That's right, and I'll be Stefvan. Say goodbye to your v, Mr
Ford...
INT.MARTINS CASTLE.
{Emperor Martin of the dark side of the boards sits in his
castle...laughing...}
Emperor Martin: Well that’s my cameo over and done with. HA HA HA HA
HA!
INT. BACK TO THE ADVENTURE…
General Ford (horrified): Have mercy!
Stefan Fjord: Oh, all right.
General Ford (relieved): Phew!
Stefan Fjord: I will take your v...
General Ford (horrified): No!
Stefan Fjord: But I will give you something else in exchange.
General Ford (relieved): Oh...
Stefan Fjord: My J!
General Steen Ford: No, no! Please!
Stefven Ford: Now, where shall I put it? After the R, I think! Ha ha!
General Steen Forjd: What have you done to me?! Steen Forjd? Now I
sound like a Star Wars character! O horror! You've made me
unpronounceable!
Stefvan Ford: Ha ha ha! How does it feel, dear cousin, to have a J in
your name? Ah, sweet revenge!
(Stefvan Ford runs out, taking General Forjd's V with him. After a
moment, General Forjd gets up from off the floor and follows him. He
loses his nemesis though, when Stefvan enters a secret door. General
Forjd sits on the doorstep, trying to think of a way to get through
and retrieve his V - and get rid of that awful J...)
INT. SECRET HIDE-OUT/ EVIL LAIR, HALLWAY
(The Burly Guards escort Lady Marian to her prison. Suddenly, she
points over their heads.)
Lady Marian: Oh my! Look at that!
(As they are distracted, Lady Marian escapes, running back to where
Lord Ike and her evil nemesis are standing.)
Lady Marian: There's just one thing I'd like to know, Marion. How did
you find me here?
Lady Marion: Ha, ha, ha! I haf my vays. You know that. You could not
escape my revenge forever. (To the Shamefaced Burly Guards who have
just rushed in.) Take her avay!
(They escort her out.)
Lady Marion: Finally, I can haf my revenge on that girl! She thought
she had defeated me, but no! She cannot. No one can defeat me!
Lord Ike: Ach weel, but ye canna ha' her yet.
Lady Marion: Vhat! You dare to oppose me?
Lord Ike: Ach, nay, but ye promised me mah enemy, Lorrrd Mike, an' as
Ah see it -
Lady Marion: But of course. You shall haf heem! I vill go and bring
heem for you now. But do not let anything happen to that girl, for
eef you deprive me of my promised revenge - !
(She sweeps out - to bring Lord Mike to his evil nemesis.)
INT. PRISON CELL
Lady Marian: I had no idea she'd followed me to the message boards!
I'll have to leave right away; I can't put the others in danger by
staying here!
(She sighs and begins to search for a way out.)
ELSEWHERE...
(Sir Lance rounds a corner, and bumps into his nemesis Llance.)
Sir Lance: Oh, hullo!
Llance: Yes, yes, pardon me. Hmm, hmm, hmm.
INT. UNDERGROUND HALLWAY
(Lord Mike wanders, lost.)
Lord Mike: I'm not lost!
(Well, you look lost to me!)
(Suddenly, a figure steps from the shadows. It is a heavily veiled
woman, exuding exotic scents. She carries a sheaf of papers
marked 'Secret Embassy Files'.)
Lady Marion: I am Lady Marion. You are Lord Mike?
Lord Mike: Yes, at least that's how it stood when I last checked.
(Looking at her papers.) What're those?
Lady Marion (hurriedly putting them away): Nefer mind. Eet ees my
other job. I haf a proposition for you, Lord Mike.
Lord Mike: Really?
INT. SECRET HIDE-OUT
(Stefvan Ford arrives, triumphant and gloating.)
Stefvan Ford: At last, at last! Oh, sweet revenge! Sweet V!
(Lady Marian, with her usual perfect timing, walks around the
corner.)
Lady Marian: Oh, dear, not again.
Stefvan Ford: Aha! Oh, luck smiles on me! Now I can have my revenge
on the hated Lady Marian, as well! Prepare the Actimal!
Lady Marian: Wait a moment, you're Stefan Fjord, aren't you?
Stefvan Ford: No, no longer! Can't you read the name before my lines?
Lady Marian (realising): Oh, you cad, you've taken Steven's V!
Stefvan Ford: Yes, I have! Ha, ha, ha! Oh, sweet revenge!
(Still gloating, he drags Lady Marian out.)
INT. EVIL LAIR
(Stefvan Ford has Lady Marian tied to a platform which hangs over a
pit of boiling Actimal. She is barely conscious, overcome by the fumes from the stuff.)
Stefvan Ford: Now, Lady Marian, you shall die!
(As he prepares to pull the lever which will plunge our heroine into
the pit beneath, Lord Ike walks in.)
Lord Ike: What arre ye doin' mahn!
(He throws Stefvan away from the lever.)
Stefvan Ford: You dare to interrupt me? I was just about to have my
revenge on Lady Marian! Out of my way!
Lord Ike: Ooh, that's all verra weel, laddie. But Ah've a'reedy promised herrr to Lady Marion in rreturrn forr mah enemy. So ye can't
ha' herr!
Stefvan Ford: Oh, curses!
Lord Ike: Dinna worrrry. Perrhaps ye c'n ha' herr when Lady Marion's
done with herrr.
INT. THAT SECRET PASSAGEWAY AGAIN
(Llance walks past Sir Lance and rounds a corner. He walks straight
into Lord Ike)
Lord Ike: I've been looking for ye!
Llance: Oh yes yes, quite, can I help you my dear fellow, hmm?
Lord Ike: Ey, I reckon ye can
Llance: And how may that be?
Lord Ike: Have ye seen tha' wee Lancey boy?
Llance: Oh yes, that pleasant young chap, I'm his nemesis you know.
Yes, yes I've seen him, he's just back there
Lord Ike: Good! Now show me the way and dinna you try anything funny
mind
(Llance leads Lord Ike back around the corner to where Sir Lance is still standing, looking thick. He sees Lord Ike)
Sir Lance: It's you! Lord Ike!
Lord Ike: Dinna worry Lancey boy, I is nay who yee think I am (He
reachs up, pulls off his eyepatch and replaces his M)
Lord Mike: Terribly sorry for tricking you like that but it was the
only way I could get him to help
(He presses a catch on his cane and a barrel slides from the end and
a handle and trigger from the bottom. He holds his cane like a rifle
and presses it against Llance's back)
Lord Mike: Now old chap, show us the way to the real Lord Ike will
yee, I mean, you?
Sir Lance: Lord Mike! Just in the nick of time!
Lord Mike: Certainly, ‘tis an honour to be here.
Sir Lance (vo): Don't listen to him, you nutter!
Sir Lance: But it's the real Lord Mike!
Lord Mike: Who are you talking to?
Sir Lance (comedy pause, then...): Oh, nobody. My Lord, how can I be
sure you're not just Lord Ike, pretending to be Lord Mike pretending
to be Lord Ike?
Lord Mike: The classic double bluff, eh?
Sir Lance: Yes. Tell me something only you could know.
Lord Mike (thinks): Now don't give me a question like that! You know
as well as I do that I know everything, old chap.
Sir Lance (nods): Yup, it is you. Follow me!
INT. YET ANOTHER SECTION OF THE SECRET PASSAGE, IT’S RATHER BUSY
TODAY ISN’T IT?
(Llance has run to Stefvan Ford, who is gloating over a can of tuna.)
Stefvan: Soon, soon my goodie-two-shoes cousing will be all mine!
Llance: Excuse yo.. ahm, me. But my doppelganger seems to have
escaped. Yes, yes he has. Hmpf.
Stefvan: Whhaatt!
Llance: I said my dopp...
Stefvan: I heard what you said. I was making a dramatic exclamation.
Llance: Oh dear. Dear dear me. Yes.
INT. MAIN BALLROOM
(Steen Forjd is tied up in the main ballroom. Lady Marion looks on,
impassive.)
General Forjd (struggling): You'll never get away with this! I have
my rights, you know!
Marion: Oh really? And vhat rights are these?
General Forjd: Well ... I mean ... that is to say ... well, rights to
a proper name at least.
Marion: Zeere ist nozink to shtop me takinf avay your other intials
also.
General Forjd (suspiciously, getting an idea): Hang on ... what
accent was that again?
Marion (flusters): It vas .. erm .. Generic West Europian. Of
courshe.
General Fojrd (deflated, idea gone): Oh. Help!!!
(Right on cue Lord Mike enigmatically kicks the door down, he is
closely followed by Sir Lance)
Sir Lance (out of breath): It's right through here
Lord Mike: I know, I got here first
(Sir Lance looks over his shoulder and then forwards at Lord Mike)
Sir Lance: Howdya do that?
Lord Mike: I overtook when you collapsed back there, you were
muttering something about Weetabix dinosaurs
(Sir Lance frowns)
Sir Lance: Really?
Sir Lance (vo): Really, you kept me awake with your incessant
mutterings
Sir Lance: Sorry
Marion: Why iz zee piddling liddle man talking to himzelf?
Lord Mike: Have we met?
Marion: Yeez, before, I offered you a propozition but you went off pretending to be zee Lord Ike before I could offer it you
Lord Mike: Oh well, I'm perfectly willing to listen now
Lady Marion: Excellent, it eez most important to zee plot of zee
ztroy!
(Another door is knocked down and Llance and Stefvan come charging
in)
Llance: Oh, sorry about the door. (holds his lapels and rocks
backwards on his heels) are we, urgh, are we to late... hmm?
Marion: Cease ziz! I have an important line to zay!
(Another door is bashed down and Lord Ike enters, dragging Lady
Marian after him)
Lord Ike: I've got yee wee lassey yeh Russian madam, where d'ya 'er?
Marion: Excellent, put her on zee floor!
(Lord Ike pushes Lady Marian to the floor, covering her with his gun)
Sir Lance: That's a big gun if it can cover all of a woman!
Sir Lance (vo): Shut up
Sir Lance: Quack
(Lord Mike looks around the ballroom)
Lord Mike: If my memory serves me right then this is what they call
the denouement
Llance: Yes yes, quite the stalemate wouldn't you agree old chap,
hmm?
Lord Mike: Quite, oh I like your frock coat by the way
(Llance looks down at his clothing)
Llance: Oh what, this, it's nothing old boy, nothing I assure you
Lord Ike: Lord Mike! Ya wee Welsh Jessy!
Lord Mike: Lord Ike, you dastardly Scots fiend!
Lord Ike: Hand yourself over or ah blast yur wee lassey
Marion: No, she eez mine!
Sir Lance (vo): Do something!
Sir Lance: Quack!
(They all stare at Sir Lance)
Sir Lance: Sorry
Sir Lance (vo): Idiot
(Steen Fjord, who didn't appear in the last post, struggled over to
his cell door.)
Steen Forjd: I'd better leave this J here. My name can only be
pronounced by someone with a double jointed tongue with it....
--
ELSEWHERE...
(Stefvan Ford smiles smugly to himself and hurries down a corridor
towards his get away van, he turns a corner, although what he turns
it into is unknown.)
-- ANOTHER CHANGE OF SCENE.
Scene shifter: Hey, hey, slow down, I'm not made of some sort of
ultimate speed power-ups here, wait a few seconds for me to change
this scene.
-- INTERVAL
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Stefvan: Finished yet?
Scene shifter: Almost. It's not easy this you know.
Stefvan: Okay, then, I'll give you a few more dots.
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-- END OF INTERVAL
Stevfan Ford: Ah ha!
Steen Forjd: Ah ha!
Stevfan Forjd: Glusse glot! How did you get out of me cell?
Steen: Quite simple, I got the scene changer to remove the door.
Stevfan: Ah, but you will never get your V back.
Steen: I don't need my V back. I took the V from your getaway van.
Stevfan: What?
Steven: That's right! Ha! I'd like to see you escape in a getaway an!
Stevfan: Curses!
(Steven turns away smugly, and Stefan smacks him over the back of the
head with his V)
(Lord Mike appears on the scene)
Lord Mike: Hang on a minute. Steen, have you not been reading the
posts? In the post before yours, which follows straight on from Lady
Marian's, we were all in the ballroom, now, as soon as you turn up
with your dots, everyone is elswhere! Honestly, I put all this hard
work into making a suitable denuoent and then come along and mess it all up!
(Lord Mike runs away sobbing)
Sir Lance: You see what you've done to him!
(Sir Lance runs off after Lord Mike)
Lady Marion: Idiot!
(Slaps Steen in the face, knicks his V and runs off)
Steen: Oops...
{Due to a heinous continuity error, we are now going to pick up at the place we left off two posts back. These posts in question must, consequently, be disregarded, as they cannot be considered properly Canon. We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused. Thank you for your lack of patience.}
INT. BALLROOM, EVIL LAIR
(Lord Mike and his Scottish nemesis, Lord Ike stand glaring angrily
at each other; Lady Marion stands over the recovering Lady Marian,
gloating; Stefvan Ford, still in possesion of General Forjd's
[henceforth to be known as General Fjord, due to expressed
preference] V, stands ready to rush his hated cousin; Sir Lance and
his evil nemesis, Llance Boyohlis, a Bill Hartnell impersonator, look
oddly at themselves, each other, and just things in general.)
Lord Mike: Now that we're all here, can't we just get on with it?
(I'm trying! Got to set the scene you know, can't just... <mutter,
mutter>)
Lord Mike: What was that?
(I said, 'mutter, mutter'.)
Lord Mike: That's what I thought, just making sure.
Lord Ike: Ah've been waitin' f'r ye, y' braw wee mahnnie, an' it's
glad Ah am y're fahnally here. Coom to me, me laddie, Lorrrrrrd Mike!
Lord Mike: No, no, no! We must do this properly, you fiendish
villain - Lord Ike, I challenge you to a duel!
(Lord Ike picks up the glove Lord Mike hurled down, and throws it
away, where it hits Sir Lance in the face.)
Lord Ike: Ah accept y're challenge, Lorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd Mike!
An' Ah'll beat ye, y' bairn, or mah name's not Lord Ike MacMilles!
(Lord Mike whips up his cane, and a steel fencing blade appears out
of the end; Lord Ike pulls a huge claymore from somewhere, and they
begin swordfighting.)
(Lady Marian looks up to see her enemy staring down at her coldly.)
Lady Marion: Ah, eet ees good. I vish you to feel eet when I keell
you!
Lady Marian: No, Marion, this has gone on long enough! This time,
we'll settle it once and for all - Lady Marion, I challenge you to a
duel! The usual weapons, of course.
Lady Marion: Ha, ha, ha! And vhy should I not just keell you?
Lady Marian (smiles): Because then I'll know you're afraid!
Lady Marion: I accept, and I shall vin!
Lady Marian: Maybe so. That dress looks terrible on you! But then,
you never did have any dress sense.
Lady Marion (reels but recovers): Indeed? Vell, only someone as
stupid girl as you vould write on this messageboard!
(They continue dueling with their chosen form of weaponry: insults.)
(General Steen Fjord has managed to untie himself somehow, and now,
after looking around for him, he confronts his evil Norwegian
cousin.)
General Fjord: Ah, there you are. Even my V could never make a man of
you, Stefvan!
(Stefvan Ford, enraged, pulls out General Fjord's stolen V, and hits
his cousin over the head with it - causing it to stick back in his name!)
General Steven Fjord: Haha ha! Now I have my V back, thank you, cousin Stefan! And here, you can have your J back in return.
(General Ford tosses Stefan Fjord's J back in his face. Stefan hurls himself at General Ford.)
Stefan Fjord: I will kill you!
(Steven sidesteps neatly.)
General Ford: Not so fast, dear cousin! Shouldn't we do this the right way?
(For answer, Stefan just roars, and prepares to rush Steven again. Steven shrugs and neatly avoids him again, causing Stefan to hit the wall very hard.)
Steven: I guess I'll take that as a 'yes'.
(Lance and Llance eye each other warily.)
Sir Lance: Bet I'm a goofier sidekick than you!
Llance: Oh, hmm, hmm, is that so, young fellow m'boy? Then prove it!
Sir Lance: Righto! Er... can you do this?
Llance: Hmm, nothing easier, young man! Can you do - this?
Lord Mike: I'm a better swordsman that you any day, Lord Ike! Your
days of dastardly villainy are over!
Lord Ike: Ah'll dice ye t'pieces, an' throw ye t' th' birds! Y'll
neverrr beat Lord Ike!
Lord Mike: We'll see about that! Ha!
(In another part of the room...)
Lady Marion: You vere alvays ze stupid girl, tagging along behind ze
men. Like so! Eet ees still only ze same. And vhite ees not your
colour.
(Lady Marian looks down at her pink and yellow flowered lacey white dress.)
Lady Marian: Well, at least I don't have black hair! Black hair and a
black dress, ha, you look like a bat!
Lady Marion: Vell, and brown ees better? At least my hair ees not like ze rat's nest!
(Lady Marian bites her lip, the sting of the insult going deep.)
Lady Marian: Well, at least I always speak in one accent! You don't
seem to be able to decide whether to be Russian, very German, or
French. So there!
(Lady Marion reels in agony, but Lady Marian is obviously tiring...)
(Elsewhere in the huge ornate ballroom...)
Stefan Fjord: You shall die - when I catch you!
(He throws himself at General Ford, his hands grappling for his
cousin's throat - but they close on empty air.)
General Ford (from behind Stefan): Well, if you want to kill me, you'll have to be a little quicker than that, my dear cos!
(Stefan turns and furiously lunges at General Ford who swiftly avoids him again.)
General Ford: Haha! How does it feel, cousin Stefan, to have a J in your name again? Hm?
(Stefan cries out in anguish, and hurls himself at his English cousin
yet again.)
(Still elsewhere...)
Llance: Hmmm, hmm. And what about this? (Does a series of somersaults, landing finally on his nose in a vat of tapioca pudding.)
Sir Lance: Aw, that's easy. I've been doing that since I was three! How about this? (Stands on his head, crosses his eyes, and sticks his feet in his ears.)
(Suddenly, out of nowhere, Queen Pamela appears in the middle of the chaotic room of dueling enemies.)
Queen P: Cease this fighting! Stop at once, I command you!
(There is instantly silence.)
Queen P: This story has gone on long enough! Too long, perhaps.
Sir Lance: That's what I said - !
(Lord Mike gives him a look so strong, it is effective even from halfway across the room.)
Queen P: I therefore ordain that all you evil nemeses shall be henceforth banished back to the Outer Wastes of Overly-Active Imagination, whence you came!
Lord Ike, Lady Marion, Stefan Fjord and Llance Boyohlis (as they vanish): Nnnooooooooooooo........
General Ford: Excuse me, your Majesty, but will they be back?
Queen P (smiles): Perhaps.
(She disappears.)
Sir Lance: How does she do that?
Lady Marian: Well, she is Queen of the Boards, so I guess she can go
wherever she wants!
Lord Mike: Come on, everyone, time to get back! We never finished our tea.
Sir Lance: Yes, and they were especially delicious purple iguanas!
(General Ford agrees, and Lady Marian looks baffled.)
EXT. SWAMP
(They walk to the Mills-mobile. Lady Marian gets in the passenger seat, Lord Mike in the driver's seat, and General Ford sits in the back. Sir Lance, unable to find any room, has to sit on the floor.)
(And the Mills-mobile drives off into either the sunset, or the sunrise, no one is sure which....)
(Find out, next time.......)
***THE END***
(For now.)
ATTACK OF THE SPOILERS!
INT. MILLS HOUSE
(Lord Mike and General Ford and sitting in the study of Mills House)
LORD MIKE: ... and then it turned out that he wanted to build a channel tunnel!
(They both laugh)
GENERAL FORD: Happy days
(Sir Lance walks in with a tea tray laden with biscuits, purple iguanas and, oddly enough, tea)
SIR LANCE: Anyone for purple iguanas?
GENERAL FORD: Oh yes please!
LORD MIKE: Just the tea for me old chap
(Steven and Lance look at Lord Mike as if he is mad)
SIR LANCE: Suit yourself (under his breath) weirdo
LORD MIKE: Anyway, clear off, Steven and I are reminiscing
SIR LANCE: Can't I reminisce?
LORD MIKE: On your own, yes
SIR LANCE: Why can't I reminisce with you two?
GENERAL FORD: Because the teacher said we had to work in pairs
SIR LANCE: Well I know something you don't know
LORD MIKE: Your eyes are going green again...
SIR LANCE: Yes, but as well as that, this board keeps disappearing!
LORD MIKE: 'Ee gads man! To the Mills-Mobile!
INT. MILLS-MOBILE
GENERAL FORD: So where are we going anyway?
LORD MIKE: Well the Mills-Mobiles instruments indicate the centre of
the anomalies to be a small potting shed outside of Berkshire
SIR LANCE: What instrument's telling you that then?
LORD MIKE: The tuba
(Drums: boom-tish)
(General Ford looks out of the window)
GENERAL FORD: Haven't we been down this street before?
SIR LANCE: Hold on ...
GENERAL FORD: What is it now?
SIR LANCE: Why is there a driver in the front seat, where you should
be?
LORD MIKE: CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER!
GENERAL FORD: I want some QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS!
SIR LANCE: I'm after DVD AND VIDEO ...
GENERAL FORD: I'm a GENERAL, you know.
SIR LANCE: Illusionth .. phantomth of the mind!
GENERAL FORD: What has your Jon Pertwee impression got to do with
this scene?
DRIVER: Where to Squire?
LORD MIKE: Shut up. I drive my own car anyway.
DRIVER: Oh. (Opens door and walks out).
SIR LANCE: Something strange is going on, I can feel it ... Why has
the car suddenly stopped?
GENERAL FORD: Because the driver's got out. Twit.
SIR LANCE: Oh
(Lord Mike climbs into the driver's seat and soon they are driving
along again)
SIR LANCE: So, Holmes, any idea why the tuba's telling us to go to
Derbyshire?
GENERAL FORD: If you ask me the tuba's lying. Never trust anything
that makes that much wind
SIR LANCE: Yeh, Steve's right try some of the other instruments
(Lord Mike makes some adjustments)
LORD MIKE: Sorry about that but my underpants were riding up a bit
(Lord ike adjusts the instruments)
LORD MIKE: Aha! I've picked up the signal on a bass guitar
GENERAL FORD: Where's it heading?
LORD MIKE: Hang on, I'll triangulate
(Lord ike picks up a small metal rod and taps the triangle)
SIR LANCE: This is Attack of the Spoilers you know, not Attack of the
Puns!
GENERAL FORD: Is it me or are we taking it in turns to speak?
LORD MIKE: I hadn't noticed that
SIR LANCE: Me neither
GENERAL FORD: You see, here you go again!
LORD MIKE: Could this be another effect of the Spoiler Board?
SIR LANCE: Ee gads Holmes; I think you've got it!
SIR LANCE: I think I've spotted a clue!
LORD MIKE: Yes?
SIR LANCE: Who is this "Lord Ike" person?
(A moments thought, then ...)
LORD MIKE: I don't know any fellow Lord Protector with the name
Ike...
SIR LANCE: If that is so ... then why does the narrator keep
mentioning a "Lord Ike"???
GENERAL FORD: Egads! You're so clever Lord Mike! Fancy noticing that!
LORD MIKE: Thank you Steven.
SIR LANCE: Hold on...
INT. SECRET BASE
(Two figures watch the three on a monitor. They turn to camera and we see...)
LORD IKE and STEFEN FJORD!
LORD IKE (Who is exactly like Lord Mike but wears an eye patch and has a Scots accent): Hahaha! Soon they will fall into my deadly trap of deadliness, laddy
STEFEN FJORD: And I shall have my revenge on my English cousin Steven Ford!
LORD IKE: But first we must outline our plans for no apparent season
STEFEN FJORD: Ah yes, that is indeed a most important part of the plot. In fact, it is vital!
LORD IKE: You said it, laddy. Now, what we plan to do is to lure Lord Mike and the others to an abandoned air strip just outside of Wimbeldon
STEFEN FJORD: Where we shall set out deadly Wombloids on them! The Wombloids will do many strange hings to them
LORD IKE: But not to me, I'm no leaning that way, you know what I mean?
(STEFEN FJORD thinks about this)
STEFEN FJORD: I think his catchphrase is better
LORD IKE: D'you want a punch y' Norwegian Pansey?!
STEFEN FJORD (hurriedly): But yours is so much more poetic
Stefen Fjord: So, are we going to wreak havoc on that silly-billy cousin of mine, and his friend Lord Mike, Lord Ike?
Lord Ike: Who?
Stefen Fjord: Lord Mike. That Welsh one who's saved the world no less than 22 times already, and that was just in the last three hours. In actual fact, you mentioned him in your speech above, in all honesty.
Lord Ike: Oh, that little imposterrr! The wee poncy scallywag has stolen hee name from me! Wait till ah get the little ...
Stefen Fjord: So we go now to Britain?
Lord Ike: Noo, noo we don't.
Stefen Fjord: Why is that we do not?
Lord Ike: 'Cause is we wait til the next sequel, we can say the whole kitankaboodle is a story arc.
Stefen Fjord: Oh yes. Silly-billy me, what?
Lord Ike: What arre yoo on aboot, yoo silly little mahn?
Stefen Fjord: Was my English impression. Good yes?
EXT. SWAMPLAND
(Lord Mike, Sir Lance and General Ford stand by the Mills-mobile. For miles around, they are surrounded by a filthy, smelly, overgrown, slimy and generally unattractive swamp.)
Sir Lance: Eep! We're surrounded!
General Ford: What?
Sir Lance: The Narrator just said so! What'll we do!
Lord Mike: Be quiet, the Narrator didn't say we were surrounded, he was just setting the scene!
Sir Lance: Oh.
Lord Mike: Now let the Narrator talk, and don't interrupt him again; (lowering his voice) we don't want to offend the Narrator, or he might leave.
(AHEM! Sir Lance nods, doing a fairly good impression of someone who understands what's going on.)
(There is nothing but swamplands to be seen anywhere, except for the large, dark, craggy, forbidding mountain directly in front of our heroes - and Sir Lance - exuding fear, evil, and despair.)
Lord Mike: Not bad at all!
(Thank you.)
Lord Mike (pointing with his cane): That must be the secret hideout of my evil nemesis, Lord Ike!
General Ford: And my evil nemesis, Stefan Fjord!
(Sir Lance pouts and looks sulky.)
General Ford: What's wrong?
Sir Lance: I haven't got an evil nemesis.
Lord Mike (expansively): That's all right. If you're good, maybe you
can have one in the next story.
Sir Lance: Really?
Lord Mike: I said, 'maybe'. Now come on, and watch out for all this
fear, evil and despair: the place is thick with it.
(As they are about to enter the mountain, they suddenly realise they
don't know how to get in.)
General Ford: He says we can't get in.
Lord Mike: Yes, I heard him.
General Ford: What should we do now, Lord Mike?
(As Lord Mike and General Ford think, and Sir Lance just stands there
looking dull, Lady Marian makes a fairly good first attempt at stepping enigmatically from behind a secret passage into the mountain.)
Lady Marian: Lord Mike! Hello, chaps!
Lord Mike: Very well done for a beginner.
Lady Marian (curtseys): Why thank you! I thought it was about time I started.
General Ford: How did you get here, in the middle of this swamp which stretches on as far as the eye can see?
Lady Marian: Well, I was out for a walk around town, and I ended up
here. I think I'm lost, I've never seen this part of town before.
Sir Lance: But this is the hideout of the evil Stefan Fjord and his new ally, Lord Ike! It must have the highest concentration of solid evil in a radius of several miles in the whole Universe!
Lady Marian (recoiling): Horror!
Lord Mike: But don't worry, we're going to foil their fiendish plots!
Lady Marian: Oh, that's a relief!
(After a fair amount of talking, arsing around and generally not doing anything, Lord Mike finds the door handle)
Lord Mike: Chaps, I've found the door handle
Others: We heard
Lord Mike: Oh, right
(Lord Mike opens the door and they enter a dark, dank, smelly tunnel)
Sir Lance: It's so dank...
General Ford: ...and dark...
Lady Marian: ...and smelly...
Lord Mike (enigmatically): Smelly, yes...
(The others stare at him oddly)
Lord Mike: I say, you're all staring at me, oddly too!
Lady Marian: Shall we get on with it?
Lord Mike: Well, this is all a bit sudden, I mean, aren't I supposed
to ask you out for dinner first?
(Lady Marian slaps Lord Mike. Sir Lance and General Ford snigger.
Lady Marian leads the way along the tunnel; Lord Mike follows, rubbing his cheek)
General Ford: It's odd isn't it?
Sir Lance: What, blue cheese?
General Ford: No, though admittedly that is odd, but megalomaniacs
always leave secret passages into their hideouts
Sir Lance: Must be a power thing...
(They stop)
Lady Marian (beginner enigmatically): There's someone in the tunnel
with us
Lord Mike (proper enigmatically): Yes, Lance...
Lady Marian: No, someone else
Sir Lance: I know who it is!
Lord Mike: Shut up!
William Hartnell: No, no, let the boy speak. What is it, hmm?
Sir Lance: My evil Welsh counterpart, Llance Boyohlis!
Lord Mike: You what?
Sir Lance: Yes. He's a professional Billy Hartnell impersonator, you
see.
(Llance stands, holding his lapels and looking down his nose at them
all.)
Llance Boyohlis: D'you not see m'boy, eh?
Lord Mike. Yes I do. That's what my two eyeballs are for.
Lady Marian: Do you know, that frock coat and waistcoat suit you.
Lord Mike: Why thank you, my dear.
Lady Marian: I was referring to the Hartnell impersonator.
Lord Mike: Oh.
(General Ford thinks for a moment, coming up with a plan of rare
cunning and genius.)
General Ford: Do you know, I've got a plan.
Lord Mike: No doubt one of rare cunning and genius?
General Ford: Yes. Run!
(As they run up the tunnel, Llance Boyohlis hobbles after them with
his cane for a moment, then pauses.)
Llance Boyohlis: Oh deary me. I shall have to give chase, shall I not
hmm?
(He activates a button on his cane and a huge rocket engine appears
underneath it. He jumps onto it, broomstick style, and speeds after them with a mighty flame following his cane.)
(Lord Mike realises, and activates his own cane engine.)
Lord Mike: Quick, everybody onto the cane!
(A chase scene ensues, including "Keystone Cops" style "Silent film
era" chase music.)
(Lord Mike and Llance skilfully guide their canes along the tunnel, Lord Mike having to shout to the others which way to turn at each corner)
Sir Lance: Watch out for the Ewoks
Lord Mike: Left!
(Lord Mike's cane swings to the left, narrowly avoiding an Ewok and
ducking under a tree root)
General Ford: Look, there!
Lady Marian: What is it?
Lord Mike: It's the Golden Snitch! If we get that then the game ends
and we score an extra one hundred and fifty points for our house!
(Lord Mike reaches out for the Golden Snitch, but Llance pulls up
along side. They both struggle to grab it; Lord Mike's finger tips tap the ball. In a rare moment of heroic-ness Sir Lance leaps across onto Llance's cane, trying to pull him off)
Sir Lance: Steve, help me!
(General Ford leaps across as well, with a yell the cane veers off course and crashes to the floor. Lord Mike grabs the Golden Snitch and holds it aloft with both hands)
Lord Mike: Yes!
Lady Marian: For God's sake, hold on to the cane!
Lord Mike (sheepishly): Oh yes
(He pops the ball in his pocket and grabs hold of the cane. They round a corner and are faced with-)
Lady Marian: A dead end!
(I wanted to say that)
(Lady Marian scratches her head in confusion.)
Lady Marian: But that's impossible! How can we have reached a dead end? What’s the point of having a secret tunnel into your fortress, only to have it end with a blank wall?
Lord Mike (enigmatically): Because you can.
Lady Marian: There has to be more to this.
(While Lady Marian and Lord Mike begin searching the walls, Sir Lance and General Ford get up from the wreckage. Unbeknownst to General Ford, it is not Sir Lance at all but rather Llance, who has switched clothing with his counterpart.)
Llance (as Lance): Shh! Don't tell him!
(It's alright, General Ford never pays any attention to me anyway.)
Llance (as Lance): Oh ... this old body of mine is wearing a bit
thin!
General Ford: What?
Llance (as Lance): Oh, erm, nothing young man, nothing. Should we
follow up ... on Lord Mike and Lady Maryann, hmm?
General Ford: There's something fishy going on here, and it's not my lunch.
Llance (as Lance): Nonsense m'boy! Quickly, let us hurry before they escape eh?
General Ford: Alright then.
Lord Mike: I've got it!
Lady Marian: Got what?
Lord Mike: The rhythm!
Lady Marian: And anything useful?
Lord Mike: Well... I've figured out how to get us into the fortress
Lady Marian: How?
(Lord Mike reaches into his pocket and pulls out the Golden Snitch. There is an indentation in the wall)
Lady Marian: So that's what you're going to do
(Lord Mike nods)
Lord Mike (to the ceiling): Alright, let us in or the Golden Snitch
gets it!
(A hatch opens in the ceiling and a ladder drops down)
Lady Marian: Not quite as subtle as I thought
(Lord Mike shrugs and climbs up the ladder)
(Lord Mike reaches the top of the ladder, and waits a few moments for Lady Marian to appear. She doesn't.)
Lord Mike: Are you coming, Lady Marian, or do I have to leave without you?
(There is no answer.)
Lord Mike: Oh, I suppose I'll have to go bring her up, if she's scared of heights. She might have said something though...
(He climbs down the ladder to find - nothing. There is no one there.)
Lord Mike: Where's she gone? Oh, if she's been captured, I'll never forgive myself! Serves me right for forgetting my manners so far as to not let the lady go first.
(Meanwhile...)
INT. SECRET EVIL HIDEOUT IN THE MIDDLE OF EVIL MOUNTAIN
Stefan Fjord: How long must we wait!
Lord Ike: Ooh, ach, have a wee spot o' patience, laddie. They'll be coomin' soon enough, Ah ween.
Stefen Fjord: Years, long, long years have I waited for my revenge on them! Especially that goody-two-shoes cousin of mine - and Lady Marian! No one escapes Stefan Fjord and lives!
Lord Ike: Yearrs, ye say, laddie? Why, it canna ha' been morrre than few weeks since ye first met them, mahn!
Stefan Fjord: Irrelevant prattle! Look!
(Suddenly, on the monitor screen, Lord Mike appears, wandering around the underground passages searching for Lady Marian.)
Lord Ike: Ach, there he be, the scoundrrrrrrel! Ah'll ha' him, one way, or t'other!
(The image changes into that of General Ford and Llance (still as Sir Lance) wandering aimlessly around.)
Stefan Fjord: There! That is him; the goody-goody mamma's-baby! Ooooh!
(Stefan Fjord rushes out after General Ford. Lord Ike stands and fumes.)
Lord Ike: Ah'll get him... Ah'll get him...!
A Voice: Ah, yes, perhaps you vill. But how?
Lord Ike: Who be therrrre?
Voice: It is I - Lady Mariona Vanverinski! But you may call me
Marion, my good Lord Ike. (A heavily veiled woman, dressed in a long
black fir-trimmed dress steps out from the shadows where she has been
standing. She lifts her veil, revealing a strikingly beautiful,
slightly foreign-looking face, surrounded by neatly arranged jet-black hair - which nevertheless vaguely resembles Lady Marian.)
Lord Ike: Ach, weel, but who arre ye?
Lady Marion: I am the evil Russian nemesis of that detestable girl,
Lady Marian von Wer, now companion to Lord Mike Mills in his adventures. I have svorn vengence on her! And I come vith a proposition for you, Lord Ike.
Lord Ike: Weel, and what would that be, lassie?
Lady Marion: You vant Lord Mike, yes?
Lord Ike: Ach, an' do Ah!
Lady Marion: Vell good, and I vant Lady Marian! I vill help you - eef
you vill get me Lady Marian!
(Elsewhere...)
General Ford: Look, are you sure you know where you're going?
Llance: Yes, yes, I most certainly do, m'boy. You doubt my ability?
General Ford: No, no. But why are you talking like William Hartnell?
(Llance suddenly ducks into a secret passage, closing it as General
Ford tries to follow him. Leaving General Ford at the mercy of his
evil Norwegian cousin, Stefan Fjord, who even now rushes towards him,
bent on revenge...)
Can General Ford escape his Norwegian nemesis? Can Lord Mike escape
the evil Lady Marion and Lord Ike? Will Sir Lance notice he's lost?
And whatever happened to Lady Marian? Find out - soon.
INT. SECRET HIDEOUT
(Lord Ike fumes silently, having run out of things to say in his
limited Scotch dialect. Suddenly, Lady Marian tumbles through a
secret door in the wall. Lord Ike stands over her.)
Lord Ike: Ach, a bonny wee lassie!
Lady Marian: Hullo, Lord Mike! Oh, I'm so glad to see you! I just
leaned against the wall and it gave way. How did you get here? Wait a
moment. (She looks uncertain) Are you Lord Mike?
(Lord Ike points at his eye patch)
Lord Ike: Does i' look like i' lassie?
(Lady Marian frowns)
Lady Marian: No, it doesn't look like Lassie
Lord Ike: Why you li'le-
Lady Marion: No, the girl is mine!
(Lady Marian gasps as she catches sight of Lady Marion)
Lady Marian: My evil Russian Nemesis Lady Marion who curiously has
never been mentioned before
Lady Marion: Quiet you insufferable girl
(Lady Marion clicks her gloved fingers Master-style and a pair of
muscular men appear from the shadows)
Lady Marian: I wish I could do that!
Lady Marion: Quiet! Guards, take her away and once you've done
that... report to my bed chamber
(The burly guards nod, grab hold of Lady Marian and lead her off set.
Lady Marion and Lord Ike hold their positions for a few moments
before relaxing and looking off set, not realising the camera hasn't
stopped filming)
INT. SECRET PASSAGE
(Lord Mike is strolling along the dank, dark passage, whistling a
tune)
Teacher: Mills! Stop whistling!
(Lord Mike stops and gasps)
Lord Mike: It's the Teacher, my old enemy!
Teacher: Yes Mills, it is
Lord Mike: I know it is I just said so
Teacher: Are you trying to be clever?
Lord Mike: Not just trying, succeeding!
Teacher: Quiet!
Lord Mike: Sorry sir... just one question
Teacher: What?
Lord Mike: How did you survive that fall into a giant cup of fruit
tea?
Teacher: Simple, all teachers drink fruit tea for a living, it is our
life force!
Lord Mike: Ah, that would explain why you're seventeen feet tall
Teacher: Precisely! Now, I shall kill you! Unless, you can answer
this question, "What is the capital of Australia?"
(A look of horror on Lord Mike's face before we cut to credits and
theme music)
Lord Mike Theme (composed by Matt Painter):
(To the tune of Danger Mouse)
He's dramatic, and romantic,
Whenever there is danger he'll be there,
Conquers evil,
Quite fantastic,
And he does it all with lightly coiffured hair,
It's Lord Mike...
It's Lord Mike...
It's Lord Mike!
PART TWO
Lord Mike: How did you survive that fall into a giant cup of fruit
tea?
Teacher: Simple, all teachers drink fruit tea for a living, it is our
life force!
Lord Mike: Ah, that would explain why you're seventeen feet tall
Teacher: Precisely! Now, I shall kill you! Unless, you can answer
this question, "What is the capital of Australia?"
(A look of horror on Lord Mike's face)
INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SECRET PASSAGE
(Sir Lance comes around to find himself alone)
Sir Lance: What happened?
Sir Lance (voice in his head): You were knocked unconscious
Sir Lance (actual voice): Oh no, it's my brain talking to me again; I
thought I'd got rid of you!
Sir Lance (vo): Nope
Sir Lance (av): Fiddle sticks!
Sir Lance (vo): What about them?
Sir Lance (av): Well, I was just thinking, if I had some then I could
snap them in half, two half make a hole and I could climb through
that to safety
(Drums: boom-tish)
Sir Lance (vo): It won't work Lance
Sir Lance (av): Who are you to say it won't, I'm going to do it now
just to annoy you!
(Sir Lance wanders off, looking for some fiddle sticks)
INT. MEANWHILEUS INCONGRATUS
Steven glares angrily at Stefan, who glares angrily back. There are a tense 32 seconds, followed by 5 seconds which are slightly less tense.
Stefan Fjord: Ah, Mr Ford.
Steven: Ah, Mr Fjord.
Stefan: You always had to be the good cousin didn't you. You just had
to think that that V in your name instead of an F, and that lack of J
made you better than me. Did you think that having a V in your name gave you the right to save the world?
Steven: That nefarious J located in your name led you down the evil
path, Stefan.
Stefan: Maybe, maybe, but this time I have an evil, insidious,
disgusting, foul, adjective defying plan that cannot fail.
Steven: What is your plan, O fiendish one?
Stefan: I'm going to remove the V from your name, and put it into my
own name!
Steven: What! No! You can't. That means I'd just be Steen.
Stefan: That's right, and I'll be Stefvan. Say goodbye to your v, Mr
Ford...
INT.MARTINS CASTLE.
{Emperor Martin of the dark side of the boards sits in his
castle...laughing...}
Emperor Martin: Well that’s my cameo over and done with. HA HA HA HA
HA!
INT. BACK TO THE ADVENTURE…
General Ford (horrified): Have mercy!
Stefan Fjord: Oh, all right.
General Ford (relieved): Phew!
Stefan Fjord: I will take your v...
General Ford (horrified): No!
Stefan Fjord: But I will give you something else in exchange.
General Ford (relieved): Oh...
Stefan Fjord: My J!
General Steen Ford: No, no! Please!
Stefven Ford: Now, where shall I put it? After the R, I think! Ha ha!
General Steen Forjd: What have you done to me?! Steen Forjd? Now I
sound like a Star Wars character! O horror! You've made me
unpronounceable!
Stefvan Ford: Ha ha ha! How does it feel, dear cousin, to have a J in
your name? Ah, sweet revenge!
(Stefvan Ford runs out, taking General Forjd's V with him. After a
moment, General Forjd gets up from off the floor and follows him. He
loses his nemesis though, when Stefvan enters a secret door. General
Forjd sits on the doorstep, trying to think of a way to get through
and retrieve his V - and get rid of that awful J...)
INT. SECRET HIDE-OUT/ EVIL LAIR, HALLWAY
(The Burly Guards escort Lady Marian to her prison. Suddenly, she
points over their heads.)
Lady Marian: Oh my! Look at that!
(As they are distracted, Lady Marian escapes, running back to where
Lord Ike and her evil nemesis are standing.)
Lady Marian: There's just one thing I'd like to know, Marion. How did
you find me here?
Lady Marion: Ha, ha, ha! I haf my vays. You know that. You could not
escape my revenge forever. (To the Shamefaced Burly Guards who have
just rushed in.) Take her avay!
(They escort her out.)
Lady Marion: Finally, I can haf my revenge on that girl! She thought
she had defeated me, but no! She cannot. No one can defeat me!
Lord Ike: Ach weel, but ye canna ha' her yet.
Lady Marion: Vhat! You dare to oppose me?
Lord Ike: Ach, nay, but ye promised me mah enemy, Lorrrd Mike, an' as
Ah see it -
Lady Marion: But of course. You shall haf heem! I vill go and bring
heem for you now. But do not let anything happen to that girl, for
eef you deprive me of my promised revenge - !
(She sweeps out - to bring Lord Mike to his evil nemesis.)
INT. PRISON CELL
Lady Marian: I had no idea she'd followed me to the message boards!
I'll have to leave right away; I can't put the others in danger by
staying here!
(She sighs and begins to search for a way out.)
ELSEWHERE...
(Sir Lance rounds a corner, and bumps into his nemesis Llance.)
Sir Lance: Oh, hullo!
Llance: Yes, yes, pardon me. Hmm, hmm, hmm.
INT. UNDERGROUND HALLWAY
(Lord Mike wanders, lost.)
Lord Mike: I'm not lost!
(Well, you look lost to me!)
(Suddenly, a figure steps from the shadows. It is a heavily veiled
woman, exuding exotic scents. She carries a sheaf of papers
marked 'Secret Embassy Files'.)
Lady Marion: I am Lady Marion. You are Lord Mike?
Lord Mike: Yes, at least that's how it stood when I last checked.
(Looking at her papers.) What're those?
Lady Marion (hurriedly putting them away): Nefer mind. Eet ees my
other job. I haf a proposition for you, Lord Mike.
Lord Mike: Really?
INT. SECRET HIDE-OUT
(Stefvan Ford arrives, triumphant and gloating.)
Stefvan Ford: At last, at last! Oh, sweet revenge! Sweet V!
(Lady Marian, with her usual perfect timing, walks around the
corner.)
Lady Marian: Oh, dear, not again.
Stefvan Ford: Aha! Oh, luck smiles on me! Now I can have my revenge
on the hated Lady Marian, as well! Prepare the Actimal!
Lady Marian: Wait a moment, you're Stefan Fjord, aren't you?
Stefvan Ford: No, no longer! Can't you read the name before my lines?
Lady Marian (realising): Oh, you cad, you've taken Steven's V!
Stefvan Ford: Yes, I have! Ha, ha, ha! Oh, sweet revenge!
(Still gloating, he drags Lady Marian out.)
INT. EVIL LAIR
(Stefvan Ford has Lady Marian tied to a platform which hangs over a
pit of boiling Actimal. She is barely conscious, overcome by the fumes from the stuff.)
Stefvan Ford: Now, Lady Marian, you shall die!
(As he prepares to pull the lever which will plunge our heroine into
the pit beneath, Lord Ike walks in.)
Lord Ike: What arre ye doin' mahn!
(He throws Stefvan away from the lever.)
Stefvan Ford: You dare to interrupt me? I was just about to have my
revenge on Lady Marian! Out of my way!
Lord Ike: Ooh, that's all verra weel, laddie. But Ah've a'reedy promised herrr to Lady Marion in rreturrn forr mah enemy. So ye can't
ha' herr!
Stefvan Ford: Oh, curses!
Lord Ike: Dinna worrrry. Perrhaps ye c'n ha' herr when Lady Marion's
done with herrr.
INT. THAT SECRET PASSAGEWAY AGAIN
(Llance walks past Sir Lance and rounds a corner. He walks straight
into Lord Ike)
Lord Ike: I've been looking for ye!
Llance: Oh yes yes, quite, can I help you my dear fellow, hmm?
Lord Ike: Ey, I reckon ye can
Llance: And how may that be?
Lord Ike: Have ye seen tha' wee Lancey boy?
Llance: Oh yes, that pleasant young chap, I'm his nemesis you know.
Yes, yes I've seen him, he's just back there
Lord Ike: Good! Now show me the way and dinna you try anything funny
mind
(Llance leads Lord Ike back around the corner to where Sir Lance is still standing, looking thick. He sees Lord Ike)
Sir Lance: It's you! Lord Ike!
Lord Ike: Dinna worry Lancey boy, I is nay who yee think I am (He
reachs up, pulls off his eyepatch and replaces his M)
Lord Mike: Terribly sorry for tricking you like that but it was the
only way I could get him to help
(He presses a catch on his cane and a barrel slides from the end and
a handle and trigger from the bottom. He holds his cane like a rifle
and presses it against Llance's back)
Lord Mike: Now old chap, show us the way to the real Lord Ike will
yee, I mean, you?
Sir Lance: Lord Mike! Just in the nick of time!
Lord Mike: Certainly, ‘tis an honour to be here.
Sir Lance (vo): Don't listen to him, you nutter!
Sir Lance: But it's the real Lord Mike!
Lord Mike: Who are you talking to?
Sir Lance (comedy pause, then...): Oh, nobody. My Lord, how can I be
sure you're not just Lord Ike, pretending to be Lord Mike pretending
to be Lord Ike?
Lord Mike: The classic double bluff, eh?
Sir Lance: Yes. Tell me something only you could know.
Lord Mike (thinks): Now don't give me a question like that! You know
as well as I do that I know everything, old chap.
Sir Lance (nods): Yup, it is you. Follow me!
INT. YET ANOTHER SECTION OF THE SECRET PASSAGE, IT’S RATHER BUSY
TODAY ISN’T IT?
(Llance has run to Stefvan Ford, who is gloating over a can of tuna.)
Stefvan: Soon, soon my goodie-two-shoes cousing will be all mine!
Llance: Excuse yo.. ahm, me. But my doppelganger seems to have
escaped. Yes, yes he has. Hmpf.
Stefvan: Whhaatt!
Llance: I said my dopp...
Stefvan: I heard what you said. I was making a dramatic exclamation.
Llance: Oh dear. Dear dear me. Yes.
INT. MAIN BALLROOM
(Steen Forjd is tied up in the main ballroom. Lady Marion looks on,
impassive.)
General Forjd (struggling): You'll never get away with this! I have
my rights, you know!
Marion: Oh really? And vhat rights are these?
General Forjd: Well ... I mean ... that is to say ... well, rights to
a proper name at least.
Marion: Zeere ist nozink to shtop me takinf avay your other intials
also.
General Forjd (suspiciously, getting an idea): Hang on ... what
accent was that again?
Marion (flusters): It vas .. erm .. Generic West Europian. Of
courshe.
General Fojrd (deflated, idea gone): Oh. Help!!!
(Right on cue Lord Mike enigmatically kicks the door down, he is
closely followed by Sir Lance)
Sir Lance (out of breath): It's right through here
Lord Mike: I know, I got here first
(Sir Lance looks over his shoulder and then forwards at Lord Mike)
Sir Lance: Howdya do that?
Lord Mike: I overtook when you collapsed back there, you were
muttering something about Weetabix dinosaurs
(Sir Lance frowns)
Sir Lance: Really?
Sir Lance (vo): Really, you kept me awake with your incessant
mutterings
Sir Lance: Sorry
Marion: Why iz zee piddling liddle man talking to himzelf?
Lord Mike: Have we met?
Marion: Yeez, before, I offered you a propozition but you went off pretending to be zee Lord Ike before I could offer it you
Lord Mike: Oh well, I'm perfectly willing to listen now
Lady Marion: Excellent, it eez most important to zee plot of zee
ztroy!
(Another door is knocked down and Llance and Stefvan come charging
in)
Llance: Oh, sorry about the door. (holds his lapels and rocks
backwards on his heels) are we, urgh, are we to late... hmm?
Marion: Cease ziz! I have an important line to zay!
(Another door is bashed down and Lord Ike enters, dragging Lady
Marian after him)
Lord Ike: I've got yee wee lassey yeh Russian madam, where d'ya 'er?
Marion: Excellent, put her on zee floor!
(Lord Ike pushes Lady Marian to the floor, covering her with his gun)
Sir Lance: That's a big gun if it can cover all of a woman!
Sir Lance (vo): Shut up
Sir Lance: Quack
(Lord Mike looks around the ballroom)
Lord Mike: If my memory serves me right then this is what they call
the denouement
Llance: Yes yes, quite the stalemate wouldn't you agree old chap,
hmm?
Lord Mike: Quite, oh I like your frock coat by the way
(Llance looks down at his clothing)
Llance: Oh what, this, it's nothing old boy, nothing I assure you
Lord Ike: Lord Mike! Ya wee Welsh Jessy!
Lord Mike: Lord Ike, you dastardly Scots fiend!
Lord Ike: Hand yourself over or ah blast yur wee lassey
Marion: No, she eez mine!
Sir Lance (vo): Do something!
Sir Lance: Quack!
(They all stare at Sir Lance)
Sir Lance: Sorry
Sir Lance (vo): Idiot
(Steen Fjord, who didn't appear in the last post, struggled over to
his cell door.)
Steen Forjd: I'd better leave this J here. My name can only be
pronounced by someone with a double jointed tongue with it....
--
ELSEWHERE...
(Stefvan Ford smiles smugly to himself and hurries down a corridor
towards his get away van, he turns a corner, although what he turns
it into is unknown.)
-- ANOTHER CHANGE OF SCENE.
Scene shifter: Hey, hey, slow down, I'm not made of some sort of
ultimate speed power-ups here, wait a few seconds for me to change
this scene.
-- INTERVAL
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Stefvan: Finished yet?
Scene shifter: Almost. It's not easy this you know.
Stefvan: Okay, then, I'll give you a few more dots.
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-- END OF INTERVAL
Stevfan Ford: Ah ha!
Steen Forjd: Ah ha!
Stevfan Forjd: Glusse glot! How did you get out of me cell?
Steen: Quite simple, I got the scene changer to remove the door.
Stevfan: Ah, but you will never get your V back.
Steen: I don't need my V back. I took the V from your getaway van.
Stevfan: What?
Steven: That's right! Ha! I'd like to see you escape in a getaway an!
Stevfan: Curses!
(Steven turns away smugly, and Stefan smacks him over the back of the
head with his V)
(Lord Mike appears on the scene)
Lord Mike: Hang on a minute. Steen, have you not been reading the
posts? In the post before yours, which follows straight on from Lady
Marian's, we were all in the ballroom, now, as soon as you turn up
with your dots, everyone is elswhere! Honestly, I put all this hard
work into making a suitable denuoent and then come along and mess it all up!
(Lord Mike runs away sobbing)
Sir Lance: You see what you've done to him!
(Sir Lance runs off after Lord Mike)
Lady Marion: Idiot!
(Slaps Steen in the face, knicks his V and runs off)
Steen: Oops...
{Due to a heinous continuity error, we are now going to pick up at the place we left off two posts back. These posts in question must, consequently, be disregarded, as they cannot be considered properly Canon. We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused. Thank you for your lack of patience.}
INT. BALLROOM, EVIL LAIR
(Lord Mike and his Scottish nemesis, Lord Ike stand glaring angrily
at each other; Lady Marion stands over the recovering Lady Marian,
gloating; Stefvan Ford, still in possesion of General Forjd's
[henceforth to be known as General Fjord, due to expressed
preference] V, stands ready to rush his hated cousin; Sir Lance and
his evil nemesis, Llance Boyohlis, a Bill Hartnell impersonator, look
oddly at themselves, each other, and just things in general.)
Lord Mike: Now that we're all here, can't we just get on with it?
(I'm trying! Got to set the scene you know, can't just... <mutter,
mutter>)
Lord Mike: What was that?
(I said, 'mutter, mutter'.)
Lord Mike: That's what I thought, just making sure.
Lord Ike: Ah've been waitin' f'r ye, y' braw wee mahnnie, an' it's
glad Ah am y're fahnally here. Coom to me, me laddie, Lorrrrrrd Mike!
Lord Mike: No, no, no! We must do this properly, you fiendish
villain - Lord Ike, I challenge you to a duel!
(Lord Ike picks up the glove Lord Mike hurled down, and throws it
away, where it hits Sir Lance in the face.)
Lord Ike: Ah accept y're challenge, Lorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd Mike!
An' Ah'll beat ye, y' bairn, or mah name's not Lord Ike MacMilles!
(Lord Mike whips up his cane, and a steel fencing blade appears out
of the end; Lord Ike pulls a huge claymore from somewhere, and they
begin swordfighting.)
(Lady Marian looks up to see her enemy staring down at her coldly.)
Lady Marion: Ah, eet ees good. I vish you to feel eet when I keell
you!
Lady Marian: No, Marion, this has gone on long enough! This time,
we'll settle it once and for all - Lady Marion, I challenge you to a
duel! The usual weapons, of course.
Lady Marion: Ha, ha, ha! And vhy should I not just keell you?
Lady Marian (smiles): Because then I'll know you're afraid!
Lady Marion: I accept, and I shall vin!
Lady Marian: Maybe so. That dress looks terrible on you! But then,
you never did have any dress sense.
Lady Marion (reels but recovers): Indeed? Vell, only someone as
stupid girl as you vould write on this messageboard!
(They continue dueling with their chosen form of weaponry: insults.)
(General Steen Fjord has managed to untie himself somehow, and now,
after looking around for him, he confronts his evil Norwegian
cousin.)
General Fjord: Ah, there you are. Even my V could never make a man of
you, Stefvan!
(Stefvan Ford, enraged, pulls out General Fjord's stolen V, and hits
his cousin over the head with it - causing it to stick back in his name!)
General Steven Fjord: Haha ha! Now I have my V back, thank you, cousin Stefan! And here, you can have your J back in return.
(General Ford tosses Stefan Fjord's J back in his face. Stefan hurls himself at General Ford.)
Stefan Fjord: I will kill you!
(Steven sidesteps neatly.)
General Ford: Not so fast, dear cousin! Shouldn't we do this the right way?
(For answer, Stefan just roars, and prepares to rush Steven again. Steven shrugs and neatly avoids him again, causing Stefan to hit the wall very hard.)
Steven: I guess I'll take that as a 'yes'.
(Lance and Llance eye each other warily.)
Sir Lance: Bet I'm a goofier sidekick than you!
Llance: Oh, hmm, hmm, is that so, young fellow m'boy? Then prove it!
Sir Lance: Righto! Er... can you do this?
Llance: Hmm, nothing easier, young man! Can you do - this?
Lord Mike: I'm a better swordsman that you any day, Lord Ike! Your
days of dastardly villainy are over!
Lord Ike: Ah'll dice ye t'pieces, an' throw ye t' th' birds! Y'll
neverrr beat Lord Ike!
Lord Mike: We'll see about that! Ha!
(In another part of the room...)
Lady Marion: You vere alvays ze stupid girl, tagging along behind ze
men. Like so! Eet ees still only ze same. And vhite ees not your
colour.
(Lady Marian looks down at her pink and yellow flowered lacey white dress.)
Lady Marian: Well, at least I don't have black hair! Black hair and a
black dress, ha, you look like a bat!
Lady Marion: Vell, and brown ees better? At least my hair ees not like ze rat's nest!
(Lady Marian bites her lip, the sting of the insult going deep.)
Lady Marian: Well, at least I always speak in one accent! You don't
seem to be able to decide whether to be Russian, very German, or
French. So there!
(Lady Marion reels in agony, but Lady Marian is obviously tiring...)
(Elsewhere in the huge ornate ballroom...)
Stefan Fjord: You shall die - when I catch you!
(He throws himself at General Ford, his hands grappling for his
cousin's throat - but they close on empty air.)
General Ford (from behind Stefan): Well, if you want to kill me, you'll have to be a little quicker than that, my dear cos!
(Stefan turns and furiously lunges at General Ford who swiftly avoids him again.)
General Ford: Haha! How does it feel, cousin Stefan, to have a J in your name again? Hm?
(Stefan cries out in anguish, and hurls himself at his English cousin
yet again.)
(Still elsewhere...)
Llance: Hmmm, hmm. And what about this? (Does a series of somersaults, landing finally on his nose in a vat of tapioca pudding.)
Sir Lance: Aw, that's easy. I've been doing that since I was three! How about this? (Stands on his head, crosses his eyes, and sticks his feet in his ears.)
(Suddenly, out of nowhere, Queen Pamela appears in the middle of the chaotic room of dueling enemies.)
Queen P: Cease this fighting! Stop at once, I command you!
(There is instantly silence.)
Queen P: This story has gone on long enough! Too long, perhaps.
Sir Lance: That's what I said - !
(Lord Mike gives him a look so strong, it is effective even from halfway across the room.)
Queen P: I therefore ordain that all you evil nemeses shall be henceforth banished back to the Outer Wastes of Overly-Active Imagination, whence you came!
Lord Ike, Lady Marion, Stefan Fjord and Llance Boyohlis (as they vanish): Nnnooooooooooooo........
General Ford: Excuse me, your Majesty, but will they be back?
Queen P (smiles): Perhaps.
(She disappears.)
Sir Lance: How does she do that?
Lady Marian: Well, she is Queen of the Boards, so I guess she can go
wherever she wants!
Lord Mike: Come on, everyone, time to get back! We never finished our tea.
Sir Lance: Yes, and they were especially delicious purple iguanas!
(General Ford agrees, and Lady Marian looks baffled.)
EXT. SWAMP
(They walk to the Mills-mobile. Lady Marian gets in the passenger seat, Lord Mike in the driver's seat, and General Ford sits in the back. Sir Lance, unable to find any room, has to sit on the floor.)
(And the Mills-mobile drives off into either the sunset, or the sunrise, no one is sure which....)
(Find out, next time.......)
***THE END***
(For now.)
