A Conversation for Greenbank Wanderers, Sunday League Football Team.

Peer Review: A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 1

Ferrettbadger. The Renegade Master

Entry: Greenbank Wanderers - A1116055
Author: Ferrettbadger - U234614

Look I think that I have just about finished this, pretty sure I have covered all the salient detail about my football team. Anyone care to comment about what I have written?
By the way this is my first ever entry so please go gentle on me smiley - winkeye


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 2

McKay The Disorganised

To get this into the edited guide will require some changes. Firstly specific dates should be used, not this season for example but season 2002-2003. All first person references must be removed.

Other than that if we can have a piece on Plymouth Argyll why not the mighty Green Bank Wanderers.

I think you could write a bit more about Sunday League football, the usual lack of referees, the state of the pitches, the changing rooms - if there are any - that sort of thing.

smiley - cheers


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 3

.

Hi smiley - cheers

I'm not certain if this is appropriate for the Edited Guide, but I'll wait for a Scout/Italic to come before saying anything more precise than that. smiley - erm

"in my humble opinion the finest pub in Plymouth." can't be included as it is in first person. The same goes for "I guarantee anyone who plays or watches Sunday league football". Also for the references to "we" and "us", which appear throughout.

This entry will go out of date rather quickly - couldn't the team/manager change every season, meaning by this time next year it might not be valid?

Are you sure the team members are happy having their names and some information about them up here for all to see?

A bit more information about the club and Sunday morning football in general would be good. Where exactly is the club located? (Or do you wander? smiley - erm) Is is just one team for adults or do you run junior versions? (I'm not sure what the protocol is with football/soccer where you are. Here (Australia) AFAIK an amateur club is normally made up of a team in each age group. Professional clubs have just one team.)

The first sentence would be nicer if it was cut into two. And I'm afraid the link to your space should be removed.

Maybe the title should be something like "Greenbank Wanderers - the football team".

Football is called soccer in U.S.A., Australia and other places, so you might like to add that in a footnote.

The ending might need a bit of work. smiley - erm

smiley - football Niwt smiley - cheers


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 4

Ferrettbadger. The Renegade Master

Cheers folks, I think you are correct, I just read it again and I realise that is is mayby a bit shallow in parts, I am going to take it out of peer review for a while whilst I brush it up. Thanks for the feedback smiley - smiley!


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 5

Bright Blue Shorts

I appreciate you're taking it out of PR and going to work on it.

Just a few comments ...

- I really like the idea of putting your Sunday league team on here. It's what the Guide should be about.

- definitely more specifics about the dates. In a couple of years, you may have changed sponsors, it'll be a bit embarassing to see an Edited entry stating the old one.

- off the back of date specifics. Decide whether the entry is about the team this year only, or a fully embellished history of the club with detailed mention of the current situation. Change the title appropriately.

Good stuff though.

BBS smiley - smiley


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 6

Ferrettbadger. The Renegade Master

Well I have edited the entry quite a lot, is this more like the kind of thing?


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 7

Bright Blue Shorts

It's still full of "our team", "our best player" etc.

Also consider Bolding or Italicising the player's names.

Enjoying it though


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 8

Ferrettbadger. The Renegade Master

Think I have got rid of the first person references, please feel free to point any out any I have missed. I like the idea of names in italics, how exactly do I do that?


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 9

J

name smiley - smiley


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 10

Ferrettbadger. The Renegade Master

Cheers, right I've only done the players whole names. If I refer to them by just their first names later on I do so in normal type (I think it looks better).

I think it is pretty much finished, any more suggestions before I submit it to PR? I would welcome any feedback as every thing people have suggested so far has really improved it.


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 11

Bright Blue Shorts

Some more comments ...

1) you've left "our" in a couple of the titles. PLus a few "we have fans" type comments. Needs to become "Greenbank are well-supported as shown by their large fanbase" or something 3rd person-like.
1a) you could probably lose the "Abouts" preceding each heading.
2) on every occasion I've looked at the entry, I've been really put off by that massive picture. Is it something you could put in the top right (or left corner) with text next to it? Just personal opinion.
3) I think the entry would be better served by the History coming first. But others might think otherwise. Likewise the bit about sponsor might need to go earlier.
4) there are a couple of dodgy sentences, (the one that springs to mind is the future section. Seem to repeat yourself a little.
5) Your refereeing story/footnote is very long. It's very funny, perhaps consider putting it into the main text. Perhaps use a blockquote or something.
6) I suppose technically (at time of writing) the 2003-04 season is the Future so should really come under the heading?!?

One more major criticism is that the entry is mainly about Greenbank, but then it branches off to Sunday League football, trying to explain that. Fortunately you show how Greenbank cope with the SLF experience, in most sections but not the Fitness one. My point is be careful you don't lose the focus of your entry.

It's a very refreshing writing style smiley - smiley


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 12

Elephants? Or Just Niwt?

And even more comments...

1) Also the title, headers and subheaders don't need fullstops, and the "Sunday Leage Football Team" part of the title should be capitalised.
2) I think the link to Ferrettbadger and possibly even the picture will have to go (that's if you're aiming to have it in the Edited Guide. You could always try for the post or UG (I think) or something).
3) Oh yeah, and there are some first-person references still, as BBS said. smiley - smiley


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 13

Ferrettbadger. The Renegade Master

Right tink I hve got rid of the FP references, feel free to correct me if I am wrong. Changed some other stuff, what do yah all think now.

Must confess I like the structure and the flow of the entry as it is now, as I think it gives preference to the most important part of our team (namely the people who play for it).

Thinking about adding the story about how we played a cup game against higher division opposition during a torrential downpour and gale force winds, under the weather section. Sound like a good idea?


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 14

Ferrettbadger. The Renegade Master

Hmmm actually I dont think I will put that story in, it didn't look quite right.

Look I think I might submit it to peer review now, unless anyone thinks there is anything vital that still needs to be changed?


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 15

Elephants? Or Just Niwt?

It reads much better now, although I would like it if you changed footnote 2 about God-less lands. smiley - ok

As I think I mentioned before, this entry will be out of date by next season (is that in a few months?) so you will either have to avoid mentions of next season and what will happen, or revise the entry every year. smiley - erm

I didn't spot any first person. smiley - ok

I think that about it. Are the team players okay with having their names, nicknames and other information up online? smiley - erm


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 16

Number Six

There's a great entry lurking here, but it'll need a bit of hammering to fit the Edited Guide... the main problem is as once something's in the Edited Guide, it's in for good and not that easily changed... we need to be careful for it not to date.



First paragraph - might flow a little better if you take out 'who are', or maybe say 'who are managed by occasional player Ralph Ferrett.

The Club and Staff

"In the season 2003/04 Greenbank Wanderers will be playing in the Plymouth and West Devon Sunday league division three, after a successful promotion during season 2002/03 from division four. " - how about something like "Greenbank Wanderers began their first-ever campaign in Division Three of the Plymouth and West Devon Sunday league in the 2003-04 season, following promotion from Division Four at the end of 2002-03"

"This feat has been achieved by that sweetest of methods, default! Due to teams dropping out there are only three divisions next year." Again, put it in the past rather than the recent past so it'll still be valid in the future - quite easy, just say 'was achieved' and maybe "The Fourth Division was abolished in 2003 due to teams dropping out".

Recardo McDowell - just lose 'this season'

Tom "Lombardo" Williams - "however Tom is currently training to be a Royal Marine Commando and so is away most of the time now." To make it timeless, it's probably best to go for something like "however Tom's first-team appearances have been limited since joining the Royal Marines"

Richard Channing - "Richard is the current Greenbank Players player of the year." - "Richard was voted Greenbank Players' Player of the Year for the 2002-03 season"

The Rest of the Players

Chris "Rick Waller/Ralph Wiggum4" Hayman - "also the current Club player of the year"... "also the Club Player of the Year for 2002-03.

Glenn Tookey and Adam Lake "were the clubs joint top goal scorers last year"... substitute 'last year' with 2002-03.

"Provided Glenn recovers in time for the start of the season, it will be interesting as to which of them wins the golden boot next year" is harder to deal with: either drop it, or go for something like "Glenn's injuries permitting, they look set to contest the Golden Boot for years to come"

Dan "Murtagh" Glover - hard to deal with him being missing next season while keeping it timeless... I'll have a go: "missing for the 2003-04 season due to spending a year in industry, Dan is a key defender/midfielder and a great provider of atmosphere with his intelligent almost-Wildean wit, and sublime subtle insults. Greenbank's other Dan, Dan Billings won the most improved player award in 2002-03 for his style over substance delays! and also finished fifth top scorer after he scored three goals with his mullet."

Ian "Scroat" Curran - 'current' and 'happened' are the terms that need to be dispensed with here... "is Greenbank's left back, and is responsible for most of the goals scored in the League (shame they're mostly own goals!).

Simon "Heskey" Dowell - no problems!

Young Mark Channing, and John Tremblitt joined the squad late on in the season - again, go for "2002-03" rather than 'the season'.

Utility players "Lazy" Steve Lacy, Andy Ley, Steve Marmion, Jason "Wayne" Carr, Al Smith, Ben Joinson and Gary Annetts make up the rest of the current first team squad - just ditch the 'current' here and you'll be fine.

For the rest of it, just expunge any other references to 'this season', 'last season' or 'next season' and you'll be fine. For next season, you could just be general and say 'the future'?

You can also add links to the Edited Guide entries on Plymouth (A260272) and Plymouth Argyle (A954911)

Well, have a go at that lot and we'll see where we are!

I also agree with Bright Blue Shorts and wonder if maybe the player biographies would go better at the end? It's possible that, for the uninitiated, it's better to introduce the subject matter first and then bring in the characters in the team... see what you think.

Cheers,
Number Six

smiley - modsmiley - football


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 17

Elephants? Or Just Niwt?

smiley - doh That's a smiley - cool way to avoid revising the entry every few months, Number Six! smiley - cheers

smiley - ermUnfortunately even if it's written in the past the team may still change/replace players etc. meaning it will still need updates. smiley - sadface

I'll agree with changes about the order, I think the Sunday League Football Section would be better nearer the beginning so it explains it straight off.


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 18

Number Six

smiley - ta

Minor updates will be less of a problem, particularly if it's only adding a few new players and the new update scheme that's being talked about gets under way... as you infer, it's having to do a major rewrite on the entry with every new season that needs to be avoided.

smiley - mod


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 19

Elephants? Or Just Niwt?

smiley - ok

D'you think it'll be ready for PR once he's done the tense changes?


A1116055 - Greenbank Wanderers

Post 20

Elephants? Or Just Niwt?

smiley - ok

D'you think it'll be ready for PR once he's done the tense changes?


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