Journalists
Created | Updated Apr 24, 2002
Journalists are, by and large, small, frightened creatures. They have large, round eyes, but are almost completely blind. They have small ears, to avoid hearing criticism. Their hands are huge, as they need to be able to hold as many alcoholic liquids as possible, which contributes greatly to their blindness.
There are two types of Journalists.
The Day Journalist creeps through the world during daylight hours, as it seems less scary. It wears Hawaiian shirts, large shorts, and smokes continuously. The smoking is an attempt to form a thick fog that shields the Journalist from literary attack.
The Night Journalist rises as the sun goes down. It wears dark sunglasses, to make the world virtually invisible. This is a defence mechanism, a feeble attempt at pretending the world isn't really there.
Both types of journalists drink heavily. Their blood-alcohol levels are beyond normal human limits, and usually remain that way long after they die.
Journalists prefer small dark rooms to work in, and will often scuttle into cupboards if a light is switched on. If offered information about a new story, or "scoop', they will invariably run away screaming. This is because a Journalist will try to stay as far away from work, and as close to a bar as possible.
Journalists use bars as more than mere watering holes. Bars, for a Journalist, are also safe refuges for eating, sleeping, and crying. Journalists spend a lot of time crying, which is why newspapers are printed in special tear-resistant ink.
When approaching a Journalist, it is best to walk slowly with head bowed, while screaming "I've read your work, I love your opinions". Be careful that sarcasm does not enter your voice, as the Journalist may panic and become vicious. There is little worse in the world than a vicious Journalist.
For the most part, Journalists are never seen. In the unfortunate case that you ever meet one, it is recommended that you pre-empt it's next move and quickly run away.
There are two types of Journalists.
The Day Journalist creeps through the world during daylight hours, as it seems less scary. It wears Hawaiian shirts, large shorts, and smokes continuously. The smoking is an attempt to form a thick fog that shields the Journalist from literary attack.
The Night Journalist rises as the sun goes down. It wears dark sunglasses, to make the world virtually invisible. This is a defence mechanism, a feeble attempt at pretending the world isn't really there.
Both types of journalists drink heavily. Their blood-alcohol levels are beyond normal human limits, and usually remain that way long after they die.
Journalists prefer small dark rooms to work in, and will often scuttle into cupboards if a light is switched on. If offered information about a new story, or "scoop', they will invariably run away screaming. This is because a Journalist will try to stay as far away from work, and as close to a bar as possible.
Journalists use bars as more than mere watering holes. Bars, for a Journalist, are also safe refuges for eating, sleeping, and crying. Journalists spend a lot of time crying, which is why newspapers are printed in special tear-resistant ink.
When approaching a Journalist, it is best to walk slowly with head bowed, while screaming "I've read your work, I love your opinions". Be careful that sarcasm does not enter your voice, as the Journalist may panic and become vicious. There is little worse in the world than a vicious Journalist.
For the most part, Journalists are never seen. In the unfortunate case that you ever meet one, it is recommended that you pre-empt it's next move and quickly run away.
