HAMMERS
Created | Updated Oct 20, 2010
Hammers are tools primarily designed to bend nails into aesthetically interesting shapes, which are then used - in-situ - as picture hooks.
All Earth-manufactured hammers have magnetic impurities, which automatically force the head of the hammer away from the nail towards which it is swung. You therefore need to exert considerable (if not excessive) force in order to use the hammer properly (that is, make it hit the nail obliquely and off-centre).
The effectiveness of any hammer (H) can be calculated as follows:
H = M . E . (1/F) . (1/S)
where M is the mass of the hammer, E is the elasticity of the nail, F is the fragility of the underlying surface on which the nail is placed, and S is the sobriety of the user.
A hammer's secondary purpose is to inflict unconscious masochistic injury. The likelihood (L) that any hammer, when swung, will miss the target nail completely and hit the user's thumb instead is given by:
L = 1 - ( 1 / D)
where D is the duration (in minutes) so far spent in (mostly fruitless) do-it-yourself activity.
From this it can be seen that, as D tends to a maximum, so does L. This is the brain's way of ensuring that, as a potential DIY overdose is approached, a minor injury necessitates ceasure of all work.
Note: Some people actually seem to want to use nails to secure objects (such as lumps of wood) together. If you need to do this, I recommend that you use the heel of a shoe. However, be aware that: (a) if you use a pair of trainers, you must allow at least 15 minutes for each nail (this rises to a day per nail for plimsolls), and (b) the use of stiletto heels has inherent dangers almost as great as those of hammers.
All Earth-manufactured hammers have magnetic impurities, which automatically force the head of the hammer away from the nail towards which it is swung. You therefore need to exert considerable (if not excessive) force in order to use the hammer properly (that is, make it hit the nail obliquely and off-centre).
The effectiveness of any hammer (H) can be calculated as follows:
H = M . E . (1/F) . (1/S)
where M is the mass of the hammer, E is the elasticity of the nail, F is the fragility of the underlying surface on which the nail is placed, and S is the sobriety of the user.
A hammer's secondary purpose is to inflict unconscious masochistic injury. The likelihood (L) that any hammer, when swung, will miss the target nail completely and hit the user's thumb instead is given by:
L = 1 - ( 1 / D)
where D is the duration (in minutes) so far spent in (mostly fruitless) do-it-yourself activity.
From this it can be seen that, as D tends to a maximum, so does L. This is the brain's way of ensuring that, as a potential DIY overdose is approached, a minor injury necessitates ceasure of all work.
Note: Some people actually seem to want to use nails to secure objects (such as lumps of wood) together. If you need to do this, I recommend that you use the heel of a shoe. However, be aware that: (a) if you use a pair of trainers, you must allow at least 15 minutes for each nail (this rises to a day per nail for plimsolls), and (b) the use of stiletto heels has inherent dangers almost as great as those of hammers.
