Quotes
Created | Updated Jun 21, 2003
this is not so much an entry as a collection. Even some from the great DNA himself. Theses are just funny. Read along.
Quotes
Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
Bob Edwards
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
**Douglas Adams**
I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Charles De Gaulle
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
Ernest Benn
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
Larry Hardiman
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
**Douglas Adams**
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
**Douglas Adams**
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
Georges Clemenceau
Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies.
W. L. George
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'
Don Marquis
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
James M. Barrie
Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.
Robert Morley
An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations.
Charles de Montesquieu
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Isaac Asimov
Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
John Russell
I don't really trust a sane person.
Lyle Alzado
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Albert Einstein
The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison
Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
Heinrich Heine
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
Scott Adams
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde
Busherisms(George Bush phrases)
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position."
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself."
"The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case."
"If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company withlaura."
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git."
Alexai Sayle.
"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dan Quayle.
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor.
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
Dan Quayle.
"We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate."
Kin Hubbard.
Dan Quayle
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth."
Will Rogers.
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
Steven Wright.
"Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!"
Steve Martin.
"The Middle Eastern states aren't nations, they're quarrels with borders."
PJ O'Rouke.
"In an underdeveloped country don't drink the water. In a developed country don't breathe the air."
Jonathan Raban.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
Charles de Gaulle.
"I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world."
Malcolm Bradbury.
"Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
Keppel Enderbery.
"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun."
Ashleigh Brilliant.
"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead."
Voltaire.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
Mark Twain.
"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Herm Albright.
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
**Douglas Adams**.
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
WC Fields.
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it."
W. Somerset Maugham.
"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."
Joseph Heller.
"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."
Albert Einstein.
"I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me."
R. Geis.
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
Yogi Berra.
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show).
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.
"Ice-cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal."
Voltaire.
"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own a**, okay?"
Denis Leary.
"I drink to make other people interesting."
George Jean Nathan.
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S Thompson.
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Robin Williams.
"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong; they should have killed him because he was a lawyer."
Whitney Brown.
"There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory research animals. One is that they are plentiful, another is that lab assistants don't get so attached to them and the third is that they will do things that you just can't get rats to do."
Blanche Knott.
"I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon."
Henry Youngman.
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination."
Oscar Wilde.
"A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist."
Franklin Jones.
"I'm not a paranoid derranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire."
Howard Hughes.
"I rob banks because that's where the money is."
Willie Sutton.
"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."
Steve Martin.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.
Quotes
Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
Bob Edwards
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
**Douglas Adams**
I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Charles De Gaulle
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
Ernest Benn
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
Larry Hardiman
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
**Douglas Adams**
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
**Douglas Adams**
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
Georges Clemenceau
Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies.
W. L. George
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'
Don Marquis
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
James M. Barrie
Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.
Robert Morley
An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations.
Charles de Montesquieu
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Isaac Asimov
Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
John Russell
I don't really trust a sane person.
Lyle Alzado
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Albert Einstein
The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison
Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
Heinrich Heine
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
Scott Adams
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde
Busherisms(George Bush phrases)
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position."
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself."
"The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case."
"If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company withlaura."
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git."
Alexai Sayle.
"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dan Quayle.
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor.
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
Dan Quayle.
"We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate."
Kin Hubbard.
Dan Quayle
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth."
Will Rogers.
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
Steven Wright.
"Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!"
Steve Martin.
"The Middle Eastern states aren't nations, they're quarrels with borders."
PJ O'Rouke.
"In an underdeveloped country don't drink the water. In a developed country don't breathe the air."
Jonathan Raban.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
Charles de Gaulle.
"I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world."
Malcolm Bradbury.
"Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
Keppel Enderbery.
"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun."
Ashleigh Brilliant.
"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead."
Voltaire.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
Mark Twain.
"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Herm Albright.
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
**Douglas Adams**.
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
WC Fields.
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it."
W. Somerset Maugham.
"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."
Joseph Heller.
"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."
Albert Einstein.
"I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me."
R. Geis.
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
Yogi Berra.
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show).
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.
"Ice-cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal."
Voltaire.
"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own a**, okay?"
Denis Leary.
"I drink to make other people interesting."
George Jean Nathan.
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S Thompson.
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Robin Williams.
"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong; they should have killed him because he was a lawyer."
Whitney Brown.
"There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory research animals. One is that they are plentiful, another is that lab assistants don't get so attached to them and the third is that they will do things that you just can't get rats to do."
Blanche Knott.
"I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon."
Henry Youngman.
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination."
Oscar Wilde.
"A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist."
Franklin Jones.
"I'm not a paranoid derranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire."
Howard Hughes.
"I rob banks because that's where the money is."
Willie Sutton.
"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."
Steve Martin.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.
