The Board Wars: The Wilden Menace
Created | Updated Jun 5, 2003
Or how i learned to stop loving the otter
The year: 2003. The place: The BBC Cult Online Doctor Who Message Board™. The Time: Now.
The civil war begins.
There are two sides. The Ebooks board, with it's "Well-Mannered War" and "Lack of useage".
And the Spoiler Board, a place for "Special Secrets" and which "Only we can decide how it is used".
Only one will survive this conflict. But which will it be?
On the sidelines, Emily stands. In one hand is a whistle, with which she will signal the beginning of conflict. In the other is a topped up glass of red wine.
She moves it to her lips, ready to signal the start of the Board Civil war. Then, after draining the glass, she moves the whistle too.
<Peeeep>
The soldiers leap from the trenches, bayonets swinging wildly as they run towards each other ...
INT. COMMANDER'S OFFICE
Solider (bursting in): Sir sir, we've captured an enemy Redcoat!
Commander: I see. Show him in.
(Solider ushers in Lance, handcuffed from behind. Commander stands, and starts pacing. Finally ...)
Commander: What got into you son?
Lance (looking at floor): I .. I don't know sir.
Commander (pacing again): You do realise what this means? We're here to start a new community, you understand. Yet I see you over on enemy lines, talking with Hurricane and sipping Margarita's with Jenny May?
Lance: I'm sorry sir. It won't happen again.
Commander: Darn tootin straight it won't happen again! Cause this evening your going to be hanging from the tallest yardarm in the fleet!
Lance (looking up at last): Are you quite finished quoting films, sir?
Commander: Yes. Yes I am. Take him to the Brig, solider.
INT. THE BRIG
Lance: No!! Make it stop!!
Brig: ... Lay on a Jeep, Sergeant Benton!
Andrew: I'll spare your life Baylis. Providing you come to work for the e book board. Choose your fate
{Suddenly there is a heavy fire of... fire! It flies through the air landing not far from Andrew. Soldiers sporting the Spoiler flag race on!}
Sergeant: Hold it right there Andrew! This man is a citizen of the Spoilers, he will come with us!
Andrew: Oh yeah, says you and what army?
Sergeant: The Imperial Lords of the Spoilers special forces. Guards take him away and cast him back to Ebookus, mark him with the wrapper- return to sender!
Soldiers: Yes Serg!
{The soldiers grab hold of Andrew and drag him away, kicking and screaming.}
Sergeant: Thank goodness you're alive Mr Baylis, the Imperial council were becoming stressed, particularly that Otter of yours.
Lance: Nibbles? Who put him on the council?
Sergeant: The Chairman- Lord Mike Mills, come we have an armoured spoiler waiting to return you from the battlefield.
Lance: You fool! I could have gone over there, learnt about their defences and struck!
Sergeant: We have orders from the Chairman to return you back to the back immediately upon discovery. You will follow us?
Lance: Um... Okay when you put it like that?
{He walks to the car just as a ragged, drooling maniac flies into the air and screams}
Lance: What was that?
Sergeant: Latex Sparrow, that's the fifth one we've seen - quickly into the car!
{Lance is shoved in as the soldiers give off covering fire!}
Lance: Hey! You're driving off without them?
Driver: I know, hello Mr Baylis!
Lance: No, it can't be?
Hurricane: Oh, it is!
CUE: STING!
Andrew:{In back of car} Ow I've just been stung by something back there
Lance: You as well
Andrew: Yes and it seems one of your little friends to
{Removes something from glove compartment}
Lance: Nibbles! What have they done to you
Hurricane: Nothing that cant be reversed. However should you choose not to co operate
{Dangles nibbles out of window}
We shall be forced to take action
Lance: No I'll do anything you say
Andrew: Anything
Lance: No not that obviously
Andrew:{puts his diagrams away} Oh well. As we are all so fond of saying. Nosheenk in der vworld...
Harricane: Can shtop ush now!
Lance: Just one question. Who is the man masqerading as the sergent in the back seat?
Sergeant: Me, oh I can answer that- {Pulls off mask to reveal:}
Lance: You! But I thought you were dead?
Latex Sparrow: I am, I am a clone of glorious Emperor Hurricane's army.
Lance: An army of Latex coated birds?
Latex Sparrow: Human sized latex coated men in bird costumes, we serve the might that is Lord Hurricane!
Lance: I thought you said he was Emperor Hurricane?
Latex: I did... no I did not?
{Andrew pulls out gun and blows its head off revealling a springs and a control box run by-}
Lance: Gerbils! You nicked the gerbils?
Hurricane: Yes, I control the Gerbils that you and Lord Mike adore so much, they run my empire for me doing uch more than keeping your boards going!
Lance: Oh. So what's going to happen to me?
Andrew: You will be cloned and a Gerbil will be returned to your Spoiler control! You will tell us everything we need to know!
Lance: Or what?
{Hurricane danges Nibbles out of the window}
Nibbles: EEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Lance: All right, All right I'll do anything just don't don't harm my squeaker.
Hurricane: Good, soon victory for Ebookus!
Andrew: Yes and at last we shall hold Spoiler Board as well- I'm thinking- Spoilus?
Hurricane: Brilliant!
Lance: You fiends! You'll never get away with this?
Andrew: Oh we will, our clone Nibbles is creating havoc between Richard and Lord Mike- We shall win!
Hurricane: Be priviledged Mr Baylis, we are about to enter EBookus. You may never leave!
{The car speeds through twin metal gates with Latex Sparrows guarding, they salute as they drive through.}
CUT: STING!
INT. EBookus
(Lance and Mister Nibbles are forced into a groovy 60s-style set with clear tabke tops)
Hurricane (in strange Phillip Madocs- voice): You see Mister Baylis, we also have much better sets than yours you cannot win
(Suddenly the door caves in and Lord Mike charges in, followed by lots of people in uniform)
Andrew: How did they get past security?!
Lord Mike: Well, we were hiding in this barn and this weird green cabinet appeared, we got in and it took us here!
Lance: See, I told you you'd never get away with this!
Hurricane: No, EBookus will be victorious!
Lord Mike: No! We shall be victorious, besides the good guys are on our side we're bound to win
Andrew: Damn him, his logic is impeccable
Lance: Um, if you're not to busy could you bother untying me?
Lord Mike: No, now, where are all the gerbils?
Hurricane: I shall never tell you!
(The Hurricane turns and runs away. Andrew raises his gun and prepares to fire. He squeezes the trigger, Mister Nibbles leaps and bites his hand, he drops the gun and it fires, missing Lord Mike and merely murdering a nameless guard)
Lord Mike: That was close!
(He unties Lance)
Lord Mike: Come on Lance, we may just be able to capture the Hurricane!
Lance: Why don't we take the soldiers with us?
Lord Mike: Because, that's just not heroic enough gosh darn it!
(They run off in the same direction as the Hurricane)
INT CLOUD BASE
Andrew: i never know we had a cloud base
Hurra: yes im renting it from spectrum
Andrew: Spectrum
Hurra: Yes
Andrew: eh?
Hurra: Quiet
Andrew: sure boss
Hurra: Right first things first, lets sort out the continuity. I am king, not lord or emporer. And since when have i been the evil one? thats richard! remember hes the one that has kidnapped my wife. so that means ill have lance and mike back on my side.
Suddenly theres a knock at the door. Andrew opens it
Lord Mike: er is hurricane here?
Andrew: Yes, about that, apparently ur on his side now
Lord Mike: oh right.
Hurra: how did u find us?
Lord Mike: we looked at the map in ur castle and saw a big arrow saying no base here so we thought we'd look
Hurra: right. ok. heres what we do. Mike and lance go rescue jenny. Andrew u order pizza and ill fly around and look for richard.
Andrew: Yeah!!! ITS MORPHIN TIME!!!
Andrew turns into the pink power ranger. Everyone else just stares at him.
Lance: Are you sure he can handle the responsibility of getting the pizza??
{Suddenly on the screen behind Hurricane comes a polite cough}
Richard: Greetings? How goes the war?
Everyone: War?
Richard: Yes. It was good of me under the alias of Professor Watt to plant suggestions of deception on either side. In your place the two sides are knocking merry hell out of each other!
Hurricane: What have you done with my wife?
Richard: Nothing... as of yet. The way you hang there in the sky, I could take pot shot at you now and you'd crash to the ground!
Andrew: Don't worry Hurricane, I'll stop him!
{Richards stares awkwardly at the pink figure}
Richard: Is this a joke? You've got so desperate you've brought them in. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Lord Mike: Don't panic Hurricane, I'll stop this maddening madman!
Richard: Really? Will you? Sorry, wrong answer. {Picks up white phone} This is Watt, they're using the biggest shells yet! We must fire back with everything we've got! {Picks up black phone} They're about to fire back, we must give them hell!
Lance: You madman, you'll blow us all up!
Richard: Only the Boards, nothing more and with Jenny at a hand's distance in a complex trap I will have complete control and there is little you can do! I have robotic clones everywhere, you'll never catch me!
Hurricane: Why you... I'll get you if it takes forever!
Richard: Sticks and stones, now charging weapons. Bye! Bye!
Andrew: Hold on to me guys! Quick!
{Everyone retreats from him but he grabs hold of them and they teleport away to a rocky ledge just as a fireball hits the model.}
Hurricane: Oh great! Gerry's not going to like this?
(Lord Mike coughs politely and straightens his cravat)
Lance: A Googol!
Hurricane: Is that your final answer?
Lance: Yes, I think it's a Googol...
(Lord Mike coughs again)
Lance: Yes, it's Googol
(Tense silence)
Hurricane: Well done you've just won yourself the ability to be topical!
Lance: Oh thanks
Lord Mike: Yes, now if we can remember that there is a madman with some telephones and a shop assistant...
Hurricane: Oh yes, of course
Lord Mike: Now, Lance and I will go and look for his frightening fiend Wilden, Hurricane you can go and look for your wife and Andrew...
Andrew: I'll get the mighty morphing mega pizza!
Lord Mike: Yes, probably best...
Hurricane: Hey, but this is different to my plan before!
Lord Mike: Of course it is, you just lost a model, you can't be allowed to save he day. Besides, you have super-strength to bend the bars of her prison and she's your wife
Hurricane: Fair enough
(Lord Mike clicks his fingers and the Mills-Mobile pulls up next to him on the rocky ledge)
Lord Mike: See you gentlmen later
Sir Lance: Can Mister Nibbles come?
Nibbles: Eep-eep!
Lord Mike: Oh okay
(Lord Mike and Sir Lance climb into the Mills-Mobile and drive off)
ExtDay
Lance: Right now all we have to do is stay perfectly still and that raston warrior robot gaurding the base will never be able to hurt up.
Mike: And try not to raise your voice
{A familiar figure runs over the hill}
Andrew: GUYS HEY GUYS! You know that pizza? Well theres been a slight problem.
Mike:Get down you fool!
Andrew: Well you see I accidently ate it
Lance: God you are such an idiot
Andrew: What? I was hungry. Hey is that another power ranger? Wait I know you.
{The raston warrior robot disapears in to a cheap film jump. Lance runs up to Andrew}
Lance: Stay perfectly still
Andrew: You know guys I'm getting sick of being type cast as the comic relief. And this costume isn't pink. Its rouge
Lance: Be quiet!!!
{The robot appears looking for the first to move. Luckily a troop of latex sparrows appear just in time to distract them and be slaughtered. Our merry band runs off.}
{On a monitor, the cruel and vicious Master surveys the damage with irritation!}
Richard: They think to stop me? I control the the sides. I will be Master of the Boards!
Jenny VO: No you won't!
{Richard looks aside to spy Jenny chained by the wrists over a pit of rabid piranhas}
Richard: Are you serious? They've got a power ranger with them, they've been sheltering in cloudbase. I have considered every eventuality!
Jenny: My Hurricane will stop your evil plans for Board domination!
Richard: No, he won't because I have yet to reveal our location. We could be anywhere in the Nine Boards besides. I might be a robot.
Jenny: That would explain a lot.
Richard: I am so clever in creating robotic replicates each primed with enough ABD to annihilate a few threads!
Jenny: But they're heading to that building, where we are- you're finished!
Richard: That is not where we are, inside is a little surprise. Behold the screen!
{He changes the screen and Jenny stares at the inside- hundreds of Latex Sparrow robots}
Jenny: You finend- you've cloned him.
Richard: More than that! With an anti-jamming signal planted into every satellite, our presence and theirs cannot be detected. They have orders to kill anything that opens the door!
{Just then, the phone rings- Black one: Ebookus!} Yes I see, they have been captured and are being forced to aid Lord Mike. You must deploy the ABD M2 at once!
Jenny: ABD M2?
Richard: Absolute Board Destruction Mark II, Spoilers are using Mark III. Complete annihilation of both and start of my complete control!
{Just then the door on the screen starts to open...}
Richard: Behold Jenny, the final curtain to our intrepid heroes.
Lance: Look, power-pizza boy I'll go first! No buts! I know what I'm doing!
{Opens door and triggers robots}
Jenny: Oh Lance!
Richard: Is this end of our heroes? How are they going to get out of this one? How indeed? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Lance: Ahhhhhhhh!
Mike:Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Andrew:Shut the door!
Mike:What?!
Andrew: Shut the door Lance!
Lance:Ahhhhhhhh!
Andrew: If you want something doing right then do it yourself
{Shuts door}
Andrew: That was close
Mike:{looking toward sky} You'll have to do better than that richard!
Andrew: Come on lets get some leaves
Mike: Why? Are we going to make a rope
Andrew: No were going to have to clean up lance
Richard: Fiddlesticks!
Jenny: Told you you'd never succeed?
Richard: That won't stop me- the future of those twin boards are at stake. I will rule as Master of the Boards else I dare use ABD Mark IV!
Jenny: It doesn't matter, I know Hurricane will save me?
Richard: No he won't. I've covered everything, he knows not of where we are? If he did this would have been wrapped up long ago! My piece de resistance was securing my power! Masterplan X failed me but now Endgame is made!
Jenny: Then what is to happen to me?
Richard: Well being as you are... you could always... find someone else? But no not me, I have only one Mistress and that is control!
Jenny: Oh. She's one of them is she?
Richard: Silence, it was a metaphor! No one can stop me! My plans for control are set- total annihilation of those Boards! Gosh, I am proud!
{Suddenly there is a loud voice- Milligan esque}
Voice: Master, the two bang-bangs are on their way to boom-boom each other into non-existence!
Jenny: What was that?
Richard: Can't get the staff?
{On the monitor, he spies Lance, looking quite shocked, Lord Mike, a pink power ranger and Nibbles}
Richard: Oh, they're heading for the abandoned comedy lot- Send in the Goons!
Jenny: No! No!
Servant: Yes Master! Cue East Finchley scout sketch!
Meanwhile outside.
Scout: Oh dear I am separated from my leader but cannot find my way, I make owl hoot to find way.
Lord Mike: What?
Scout: Hootie-Hootie-hootie! Hoot-hootie-hoot!
Andrew: Come on guys, let's get out of here!
{Suddenly there is a roar}
Scout: That is not my leader, that is tiger!
Lance: What?
Scout: What is Tiger doing in East Finchley?
Lance: The Horror! The Horror!
Suddenly a house appears in front of lance, Mike and Andrew. they quickly run inside.
Mike: Where on earth did this house come from?
Lance: My God Ive just realised. We're trapped in a goon scetch. this is a mirrage
{Suddenly the house disapears}
Lance: Where is Andrew now?
Andrew: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh {lands on ground with a thud}
Mike: Where have you been?
Andrew: I went upstairs
Badoom tish
(c)Spike Milligan
Richard: Good! Those Goons will keep them busy! Just wait till they run into Blue Bottle and Eccles!
Jenny: You fiend! You'll never win and I'm not scared of you!
Richard: Really? Otto? Come here!
{There are huge stomping thuds and as Jenny turns she can see a penguin emerge. It wanders over to Richard}
Richard: Behold Otto, a truely trustworthy soul.
Jenny: It's a penguin.
Richard: Really? There I was thinking he was an eagle? No, this is my friend, yes you may sneer but Otto is deadly!
Jenny: Really? And what can that bird do?
Richard: Otto, are you hungry?
{It replies in a crude, squawking tone}
Otto: Yerrr. Meee Hungreee!
Jenny: It can speak.
Richard: Just about, while Lance has Nibbles I have Otto and he is great, he's faster, smarter, bigger and a killer! All wrapped up as this lonesome little bird. Otto, begin gnawing on Jenny's nails,toe nails, then her finger nails, then her head nails!
Jenny: Head nails? It's called hair!
Richard: Hair and nails are the same thing! Bon Appetite!
Jenny: No, my hair, I'm going to be bald! No! Hurricane!
Hurricane: Somebody call my name?
Richard: How did you get in?
Hurricane: Your Penguin left the door open, I'm going to fix you good!
Richard: Otto, stop him!
Otto: Yaaaayyyyy!
{Suddenly Hurricane finds himself chained upside down over the pool of Piranhas}
Hurricane: That bird packs quite a punch!
Richard: Quiite so and now less than a few hours to ABD! Otto, laugh for me!
Otto: Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa!
(Lord Mike, Sir Lance and Andrew are running across open ground. Suddenly they come to a creek, Lord Mike and Sir Lance stop in time but Andrew does not)
Andrew: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
(Splash)
Lance: He's fallen in the water
Lord Mike: No, Lance, the Goons are taking over you!
Lance: No they won't! Ying-tang ying-tang...
(Lord Mike punches Lance in the face)
Lance: Ow, what was that for?
Lord Mike: I had to De-Goon-ify you!
Andrew: That's a load of s
Lord Mike: Indeed 'tis!
(Sir Lance points to a creaky rope bridge spanning the chasm)
Andrew: What is it?
Lord Mike: It's a creaky rope bridge spanning the chasm!
Lance: Watch out! It's Ned's Atomic Dustbin!
Lord Mike: No it isn't.
Lance: Oh. Well what is it then?
Andrew: It's a creaky rope bridge spanning the chasm.
Lance: So, does this post have a punchline?
Lord Mike: No.
(They cross the bridge.)
Ext:Secret base
Richard:{On PA system} Two and a half hours to ABD
Lance: Oh no! I say whats the time fellow
Fellow: Just a minute I have it written down on a piece of paper
Mike: No! Another goon! We have to get through those concrete doors somehow
Andrew: Why dont you use your head for once Lance
Lance: I think I have a better idea. W'ell use your head. take off that costume
{After much struggle they remove the power ranger suit and use Andrew as a battering ram}
Secret base 30 mins later
Richard: Nothing will stop me muhahaha.
Jenny: Thats nice sweety
Mike:Not so fast
Lance: We are here to save the day and as our motto goes...
Andrew: Ahslibbwebbywooblth
Richard: What?
Lance: Nothing it is only a small concusion
Andrew: Wubble
{Lance and mike pounce on Richard. Soon they have him on the floor. unfortunitly they did not count on Otto who soon has them chained upside down with Hurricane}
Andrew: And now the end is near and so I face the final curtain
Mike: What are you babbling on about
Andrew: pwubble
Richard: You are doomed. Doomed to lie here for all eternity. pickled in time like gerkins in a jar
Lance: You havn't counted on one thing Richard!
Richard: and that would be
Lance: NIBBLES and Hurri-girl
Mike: I thought she was just Andrew's blow up doll.
Hurricane: Actually she is a closely gaurded and very real secret
Andrew: Fwibble
Richard:{Turns around} Oh dear
{Just then Nibbles runs on with a note}
Richard: This is is your retalliation? What does the note say? Ott, eat that ferret and bring me the note!
Sir Lance: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Lord Mike: Relax Lance, I'll buy you another!
{Otto eats Nibbles}
Jenny: Ugh! This is a family board you know?
Richard: Not for much longer! Countdown is set at one hour until the end. Now for this letter: Dear Gang sorry I had to go but something's come up- I've gone off to fight my own evil Nemesis Emperor Martin. PS: I'm sorry.
Lord Mike: This is simply...
Sir Lance: Great!
Hurricane: Just typical now we're all going to loose our spots!
Richard: Quite so! The time for my take over is now!
Andrew: Not so fast- It's Morphing Time!
{Andrew becomes the rouge/ pink power ranger in front of everyone}
Richard: Are you mad or is this the influence of Ebookus?
Andrew: I shall stop you, pterodactyl kick!
Richard: Otto! Eat him!
Otto: Yaaay!
{Andrew kicks Otto off and knocks Richard flying straight into the the machinery, the countdown has been averted}
Andrew: Not bad for me! I've saved the day!
Richard: Wrong because you just destroyed my entertainment centre, the countdown still goes on!
Andrew: What? But that's impossible!
{Richard pulls of mask to reveal a robot}
Robot: I told you I prepare for every eventuality! Five minutes to annihilation, Otto throw him to the fish!
Otto: Throws Andrew to the fish
Andrew: argaggyagr kacmlk;dfjjhljkhkg!
{Dies}
{again}
Andrew: you dedded me!
Hurricane:You fiend!
Richard:Muhahaha
{Suddenly the Hand and leg cuffs of Hurricane are unlocked. he floats to saftey.}
Hurricane: How the Heck!
Andrew: Presenting Hurricane and Andrew(deceased)
Man: excuse me sir but you are in violation of copyright. if youd just come with me
{Andrew is sucked into a hoover and carted away to the BBC legal department}
Hurricane: Oh well. Its Hurra-time!
Robot: Foolish man! I am a robot primed with ABD 2, I can destroy this entire fortress, the goons, the rope bride and leave a smoking crater in its place.
Sir Lance: So we'll be safe then?
Robot: No.. You'll be destroyed with the everything!
Hurricane: Now prepare to meet my fists machine man!
Robot: You are mistaken, you friend is finished I and in control and soon the Master shall take control!
Otto: Yes I shall... Yaaay!
Lord Mike: Whack me side ways and cover me in rotten pilchards!
Sir Lance: Um... Okay?
{Lance soes exactly that culminating in a soggy looking man of action.}
Sir Lance: You told me....
Jenny: Why did that penguin just talk like that?
Robot: You are mistaken, Otto is a simple bird.
Hurricane: Come here you, I'm going to get revenge!
Otto: Stay back you fools!
Lord Mike: I was right, he can talk!
Hurricane: But how? Where's Richard.
Otto: I am Master, my body is lying severely concussed so I made a copy of my mind, downloaded it into this frame!
Sir Lance: Wow! I didn't understand a word it said?
Otto: Silence! Robot disable Huuricane, throw him to the fish and now I will be Master of the Boards!
Lord Mike: You'll have to grow up a bit first?
Sir Lance: If Nibbles was here he'd sort you out!
Otto: By the way- he was delicious!
Sir Lance: I'll get you... you evil Penguin!
Otto: Sticks and stones!
Lord Mike: Now there's an idea... Quickly you two help me throw some sticks and stones at him
(Much throwing of sticks and stones ensues)
Otto: Ow, ooch, ooh!
Sir Lance: Take that you panasious penguin!
Otto: Panasious?
Sir Lance: Oh I don't know...
(More throwing of sticks and stones ensues)
Lord Mike: Stop!
Hurricane: Why have you realised something?
Lord Mike: No, we just look a bit silly that's all
Richard (vo): Fifteen minutes until ABD
Sir Lance: Typical meglomaniac, likes the sound of his own voice
Lord Mike: Blackadder?
Sir Lance: No, Father Time
Hurricane: Quickly, we must shut down the ABD 2 before we're all ABDead!
Lord Mike: Nice one
Hurricane: Thank you
Sir Lance: But which way?!
Otto: You will never find the ABD 2, hahahahaha!
Lord Mike: Oh really? Well as this sign says "this way to ABD 2" I think that's a pretty safe bet
(They rush off down the corridor)
{Suddenly they come across a lone goon beside him another appears.}
Goon: My friend Moriarty was killed with a fake bullet!
Sir Lance: A fake bullet?
Goon: Yes he shot himself with a fake bullet.
Lord Mike: Lance, Hurricane just ignore him!
{They slip effortlessly around him and into the corridor and into a vast room- at one end stands the laser canon.}
Richard VO: Don't even think about it!
Sir Lance: Think about what?
Lord Mike: Never you mind, I shall stop your fiendish plan, you Vicious Villain!
{Suddenly a chair whirls round to show Richard covered in complex machinery}
Hurricane: Oh, it's another Robot?
Richard: No! I am he my duplicates have been around long, I am the original greetings.
Sir Lance: What happened to you?
Richard: Experiments with ABD, the destruction destroyed my body now I live like this but I shall live again- stronger than before!
Hurricane: Then why try to do destroy the Boards?
Richard: Because the Boards need a strong leader with a clear mind and I shall be he, don't move the platform you step on will shock you with five hundred thousand volts should you move. There are two minutes to annihilation of those boards!
Lord Mike: But you have forgotten one thing- Jenny!
Richard: No, that girl out there is a copy, the real Jenny is in an immitation apartment on Ebooks. You see I will succeed in my plans. Just a few more moment and I will be able live again!
Hurrican: You crazy Davros wannabe!
Sir Lance: You killed Nibbles!
Lord Mike: I'll stop you, you fiendish fiend!
Richard: Too late, fifty-nine seconds and counting...
Andrew: {appears through wall with a ghostly visitor}
Richard:Tom Baker!
Lance:Tom Baker isn't dead is he?
Mike: Sssh I think I know what hes doing
"Tom": Richard stop this
Richard: But tom i want controll of the boards
Andrew: if you dont turn that machine off. Tom Baker will call you an **SE h**e. Spoiling your fan boy delusions
Richard: No I will not
Tom:Richard you are an ar..
Richard: Ok ill do it! But I cant even If I wanted to
{Enter}
Hurricane: Stand Aside. This is going to stop.
{he strides towards the laser cannon}
Andrew: ok You can go now Wyvern
Tom/Wyvern: Ok. See you later
{Have I lost you?}
Mike: Hurricane! Hurry
The Hurricane steps onto the floor, it electrocutes him)
Sir Lance: Okay so he wasn't lying...
Richard: Hahahaha! You can't stop me Lord Mike, I am invincible!
Lord Mike: Never! Lance, have you still got that insulating cloak tht the Thal leader gave you?
Sir Lance: Of course
(Lance takes off the cloak and Lord Mike throws it onto the
electrified floor. They both run across it to the laser cannon)
Lord Mike: Quickly, we must deactivate it!
Sir Lance: Lord Mike, look at this!
(He points to a plaque on the laser cannon. It says this is a laser canon)
Lord Mike: Canon?
(He slaps his head in astonishment)
Lord Mike: Of course, he plans to make all of the boards not part of board canon, therefore wiping us all from the face of continuity!
Sir Lance: Whatever shall we do?!
Lord Mike: Quickly, help me turn this
(They turn the laser canon to face Richard, in his chair)
Richard: No! I am canonical!
Richard (vo): one second until ABD... Zero, fire!
Hurricane and his wife relax in the palace gardens
Lance Frolicks with nibbles
Mike resides over the boards with dignity
Andrew happily waxes the HURRI-cycle
Richard still confined to the spoiler board plots his next scheme
For due to his canon non of the events here ever occured
Knock Knock
Waiter: Monsieur Hurricane I have ici un bottle de Champagne pour both your lovely wife and yourself
Or did they?...
EPILOGUE:
However deep beneath the ruins of his wreck fortress, down the winding staircase into the vast chamber stood a long tank of water, within lay a bandaged body.
Otto: Preparing for revivication, my next plan will be supreme!
He places a strange device on his head, plugged into the temples of the figure. He flicks a switch. Lightning courses through the air and into the body.
The form breaks out of its tomb, tearing off its bandages it breathes.
Tearing off the bandages it stands there cold and wet. Pushing the smouldering form of Otto over it passes to the mirror and grins.
Figure: New life, new form, new beginnings! The end is in sight!
{Now wearing a new uniform, he stands on the balcony over looking an army of skeletal clones.}
Figure: My vengeance is new! I have returned and nothing will stop my plans! Nothing and no one, from this day forward I shall wield chaos as my sword. I am Chaos! So begins my crusade to Doom and Glory!
Robots: To Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory!
Figure: I, the Endmaster proclaim my second campaign open! Death to the Boards! We shall strike, We rule supreme! Doom and Glory!
Robots: Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory!
Andrew Smith
Mike Mills
Lance Baylis
Richard Wilden
Christian Symmons
The year: 2003. The place: The BBC Cult Online Doctor Who Message Board™. The Time: Now.
The civil war begins.
There are two sides. The Ebooks board, with it's "Well-Mannered War" and "Lack of useage".
And the Spoiler Board, a place for "Special Secrets" and which "Only we can decide how it is used".
Only one will survive this conflict. But which will it be?
On the sidelines, Emily stands. In one hand is a whistle, with which she will signal the beginning of conflict. In the other is a topped up glass of red wine.
She moves it to her lips, ready to signal the start of the Board Civil war. Then, after draining the glass, she moves the whistle too.
<Peeeep>
The soldiers leap from the trenches, bayonets swinging wildly as they run towards each other ...
INT. COMMANDER'S OFFICE
Solider (bursting in): Sir sir, we've captured an enemy Redcoat!
Commander: I see. Show him in.
(Solider ushers in Lance, handcuffed from behind. Commander stands, and starts pacing. Finally ...)
Commander: What got into you son?
Lance (looking at floor): I .. I don't know sir.
Commander (pacing again): You do realise what this means? We're here to start a new community, you understand. Yet I see you over on enemy lines, talking with Hurricane and sipping Margarita's with Jenny May?
Lance: I'm sorry sir. It won't happen again.
Commander: Darn tootin straight it won't happen again! Cause this evening your going to be hanging from the tallest yardarm in the fleet!
Lance (looking up at last): Are you quite finished quoting films, sir?
Commander: Yes. Yes I am. Take him to the Brig, solider.
INT. THE BRIG
Lance: No!! Make it stop!!
Brig: ... Lay on a Jeep, Sergeant Benton!
Andrew: I'll spare your life Baylis. Providing you come to work for the e book board. Choose your fate
{Suddenly there is a heavy fire of... fire! It flies through the air landing not far from Andrew. Soldiers sporting the Spoiler flag race on!}
Sergeant: Hold it right there Andrew! This man is a citizen of the Spoilers, he will come with us!
Andrew: Oh yeah, says you and what army?
Sergeant: The Imperial Lords of the Spoilers special forces. Guards take him away and cast him back to Ebookus, mark him with the wrapper- return to sender!
Soldiers: Yes Serg!
{The soldiers grab hold of Andrew and drag him away, kicking and screaming.}
Sergeant: Thank goodness you're alive Mr Baylis, the Imperial council were becoming stressed, particularly that Otter of yours.
Lance: Nibbles? Who put him on the council?
Sergeant: The Chairman- Lord Mike Mills, come we have an armoured spoiler waiting to return you from the battlefield.
Lance: You fool! I could have gone over there, learnt about their defences and struck!
Sergeant: We have orders from the Chairman to return you back to the back immediately upon discovery. You will follow us?
Lance: Um... Okay when you put it like that?
{He walks to the car just as a ragged, drooling maniac flies into the air and screams}
Lance: What was that?
Sergeant: Latex Sparrow, that's the fifth one we've seen - quickly into the car!
{Lance is shoved in as the soldiers give off covering fire!}
Lance: Hey! You're driving off without them?
Driver: I know, hello Mr Baylis!
Lance: No, it can't be?
Hurricane: Oh, it is!
CUE: STING!
Andrew:{In back of car} Ow I've just been stung by something back there
Lance: You as well
Andrew: Yes and it seems one of your little friends to
{Removes something from glove compartment}
Lance: Nibbles! What have they done to you
Hurricane: Nothing that cant be reversed. However should you choose not to co operate
{Dangles nibbles out of window}
We shall be forced to take action
Lance: No I'll do anything you say
Andrew: Anything
Lance: No not that obviously
Andrew:{puts his diagrams away} Oh well. As we are all so fond of saying. Nosheenk in der vworld...
Harricane: Can shtop ush now!
Lance: Just one question. Who is the man masqerading as the sergent in the back seat?
Sergeant: Me, oh I can answer that- {Pulls off mask to reveal:}
Lance: You! But I thought you were dead?
Latex Sparrow: I am, I am a clone of glorious Emperor Hurricane's army.
Lance: An army of Latex coated birds?
Latex Sparrow: Human sized latex coated men in bird costumes, we serve the might that is Lord Hurricane!
Lance: I thought you said he was Emperor Hurricane?
Latex: I did... no I did not?
{Andrew pulls out gun and blows its head off revealling a springs and a control box run by-}
Lance: Gerbils! You nicked the gerbils?
Hurricane: Yes, I control the Gerbils that you and Lord Mike adore so much, they run my empire for me doing uch more than keeping your boards going!
Lance: Oh. So what's going to happen to me?
Andrew: You will be cloned and a Gerbil will be returned to your Spoiler control! You will tell us everything we need to know!
Lance: Or what?
{Hurricane danges Nibbles out of the window}
Nibbles: EEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Lance: All right, All right I'll do anything just don't don't harm my squeaker.
Hurricane: Good, soon victory for Ebookus!
Andrew: Yes and at last we shall hold Spoiler Board as well- I'm thinking- Spoilus?
Hurricane: Brilliant!
Lance: You fiends! You'll never get away with this?
Andrew: Oh we will, our clone Nibbles is creating havoc between Richard and Lord Mike- We shall win!
Hurricane: Be priviledged Mr Baylis, we are about to enter EBookus. You may never leave!
{The car speeds through twin metal gates with Latex Sparrows guarding, they salute as they drive through.}
CUT: STING!
INT. EBookus
(Lance and Mister Nibbles are forced into a groovy 60s-style set with clear tabke tops)
Hurricane (in strange Phillip Madocs- voice): You see Mister Baylis, we also have much better sets than yours you cannot win
(Suddenly the door caves in and Lord Mike charges in, followed by lots of people in uniform)
Andrew: How did they get past security?!
Lord Mike: Well, we were hiding in this barn and this weird green cabinet appeared, we got in and it took us here!
Lance: See, I told you you'd never get away with this!
Hurricane: No, EBookus will be victorious!
Lord Mike: No! We shall be victorious, besides the good guys are on our side we're bound to win
Andrew: Damn him, his logic is impeccable
Lance: Um, if you're not to busy could you bother untying me?
Lord Mike: No, now, where are all the gerbils?
Hurricane: I shall never tell you!
(The Hurricane turns and runs away. Andrew raises his gun and prepares to fire. He squeezes the trigger, Mister Nibbles leaps and bites his hand, he drops the gun and it fires, missing Lord Mike and merely murdering a nameless guard)
Lord Mike: That was close!
(He unties Lance)
Lord Mike: Come on Lance, we may just be able to capture the Hurricane!
Lance: Why don't we take the soldiers with us?
Lord Mike: Because, that's just not heroic enough gosh darn it!
(They run off in the same direction as the Hurricane)
INT CLOUD BASE
Andrew: i never know we had a cloud base
Hurra: yes im renting it from spectrum
Andrew: Spectrum
Hurra: Yes
Andrew: eh?
Hurra: Quiet
Andrew: sure boss
Hurra: Right first things first, lets sort out the continuity. I am king, not lord or emporer. And since when have i been the evil one? thats richard! remember hes the one that has kidnapped my wife. so that means ill have lance and mike back on my side.
Suddenly theres a knock at the door. Andrew opens it
Lord Mike: er is hurricane here?
Andrew: Yes, about that, apparently ur on his side now
Lord Mike: oh right.
Hurra: how did u find us?
Lord Mike: we looked at the map in ur castle and saw a big arrow saying no base here so we thought we'd look
Hurra: right. ok. heres what we do. Mike and lance go rescue jenny. Andrew u order pizza and ill fly around and look for richard.
Andrew: Yeah!!! ITS MORPHIN TIME!!!
Andrew turns into the pink power ranger. Everyone else just stares at him.
Lance: Are you sure he can handle the responsibility of getting the pizza??
{Suddenly on the screen behind Hurricane comes a polite cough}
Richard: Greetings? How goes the war?
Everyone: War?
Richard: Yes. It was good of me under the alias of Professor Watt to plant suggestions of deception on either side. In your place the two sides are knocking merry hell out of each other!
Hurricane: What have you done with my wife?
Richard: Nothing... as of yet. The way you hang there in the sky, I could take pot shot at you now and you'd crash to the ground!
Andrew: Don't worry Hurricane, I'll stop him!
{Richards stares awkwardly at the pink figure}
Richard: Is this a joke? You've got so desperate you've brought them in. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Lord Mike: Don't panic Hurricane, I'll stop this maddening madman!
Richard: Really? Will you? Sorry, wrong answer. {Picks up white phone} This is Watt, they're using the biggest shells yet! We must fire back with everything we've got! {Picks up black phone} They're about to fire back, we must give them hell!
Lance: You madman, you'll blow us all up!
Richard: Only the Boards, nothing more and with Jenny at a hand's distance in a complex trap I will have complete control and there is little you can do! I have robotic clones everywhere, you'll never catch me!
Hurricane: Why you... I'll get you if it takes forever!
Richard: Sticks and stones, now charging weapons. Bye! Bye!
Andrew: Hold on to me guys! Quick!
{Everyone retreats from him but he grabs hold of them and they teleport away to a rocky ledge just as a fireball hits the model.}
Hurricane: Oh great! Gerry's not going to like this?
(Lord Mike coughs politely and straightens his cravat)
Lance: A Googol!
Hurricane: Is that your final answer?
Lance: Yes, I think it's a Googol...
(Lord Mike coughs again)
Lance: Yes, it's Googol
(Tense silence)
Hurricane: Well done you've just won yourself the ability to be topical!
Lance: Oh thanks
Lord Mike: Yes, now if we can remember that there is a madman with some telephones and a shop assistant...
Hurricane: Oh yes, of course
Lord Mike: Now, Lance and I will go and look for his frightening fiend Wilden, Hurricane you can go and look for your wife and Andrew...
Andrew: I'll get the mighty morphing mega pizza!
Lord Mike: Yes, probably best...
Hurricane: Hey, but this is different to my plan before!
Lord Mike: Of course it is, you just lost a model, you can't be allowed to save he day. Besides, you have super-strength to bend the bars of her prison and she's your wife
Hurricane: Fair enough
(Lord Mike clicks his fingers and the Mills-Mobile pulls up next to him on the rocky ledge)
Lord Mike: See you gentlmen later
Sir Lance: Can Mister Nibbles come?
Nibbles: Eep-eep!
Lord Mike: Oh okay
(Lord Mike and Sir Lance climb into the Mills-Mobile and drive off)
ExtDay
Lance: Right now all we have to do is stay perfectly still and that raston warrior robot gaurding the base will never be able to hurt up.
Mike: And try not to raise your voice
{A familiar figure runs over the hill}
Andrew: GUYS HEY GUYS! You know that pizza? Well theres been a slight problem.
Mike:Get down you fool!
Andrew: Well you see I accidently ate it
Lance: God you are such an idiot
Andrew: What? I was hungry. Hey is that another power ranger? Wait I know you.
{The raston warrior robot disapears in to a cheap film jump. Lance runs up to Andrew}
Lance: Stay perfectly still
Andrew: You know guys I'm getting sick of being type cast as the comic relief. And this costume isn't pink. Its rouge
Lance: Be quiet!!!
{The robot appears looking for the first to move. Luckily a troop of latex sparrows appear just in time to distract them and be slaughtered. Our merry band runs off.}
{On a monitor, the cruel and vicious Master surveys the damage with irritation!}
Richard: They think to stop me? I control the the sides. I will be Master of the Boards!
Jenny VO: No you won't!
{Richard looks aside to spy Jenny chained by the wrists over a pit of rabid piranhas}
Richard: Are you serious? They've got a power ranger with them, they've been sheltering in cloudbase. I have considered every eventuality!
Jenny: My Hurricane will stop your evil plans for Board domination!
Richard: No, he won't because I have yet to reveal our location. We could be anywhere in the Nine Boards besides. I might be a robot.
Jenny: That would explain a lot.
Richard: I am so clever in creating robotic replicates each primed with enough ABD to annihilate a few threads!
Jenny: But they're heading to that building, where we are- you're finished!
Richard: That is not where we are, inside is a little surprise. Behold the screen!
{He changes the screen and Jenny stares at the inside- hundreds of Latex Sparrow robots}
Jenny: You finend- you've cloned him.
Richard: More than that! With an anti-jamming signal planted into every satellite, our presence and theirs cannot be detected. They have orders to kill anything that opens the door!
{Just then, the phone rings- Black one: Ebookus!} Yes I see, they have been captured and are being forced to aid Lord Mike. You must deploy the ABD M2 at once!
Jenny: ABD M2?
Richard: Absolute Board Destruction Mark II, Spoilers are using Mark III. Complete annihilation of both and start of my complete control!
{Just then the door on the screen starts to open...}
Richard: Behold Jenny, the final curtain to our intrepid heroes.
Lance: Look, power-pizza boy I'll go first! No buts! I know what I'm doing!
{Opens door and triggers robots}
Jenny: Oh Lance!
Richard: Is this end of our heroes? How are they going to get out of this one? How indeed? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Lance: Ahhhhhhhh!
Mike:Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Andrew:Shut the door!
Mike:What?!
Andrew: Shut the door Lance!
Lance:Ahhhhhhhh!
Andrew: If you want something doing right then do it yourself
{Shuts door}
Andrew: That was close
Mike:{looking toward sky} You'll have to do better than that richard!
Andrew: Come on lets get some leaves
Mike: Why? Are we going to make a rope
Andrew: No were going to have to clean up lance
Richard: Fiddlesticks!
Jenny: Told you you'd never succeed?
Richard: That won't stop me- the future of those twin boards are at stake. I will rule as Master of the Boards else I dare use ABD Mark IV!
Jenny: It doesn't matter, I know Hurricane will save me?
Richard: No he won't. I've covered everything, he knows not of where we are? If he did this would have been wrapped up long ago! My piece de resistance was securing my power! Masterplan X failed me but now Endgame is made!
Jenny: Then what is to happen to me?
Richard: Well being as you are... you could always... find someone else? But no not me, I have only one Mistress and that is control!
Jenny: Oh. She's one of them is she?
Richard: Silence, it was a metaphor! No one can stop me! My plans for control are set- total annihilation of those Boards! Gosh, I am proud!
{Suddenly there is a loud voice- Milligan esque}
Voice: Master, the two bang-bangs are on their way to boom-boom each other into non-existence!
Jenny: What was that?
Richard: Can't get the staff?
{On the monitor, he spies Lance, looking quite shocked, Lord Mike, a pink power ranger and Nibbles}
Richard: Oh, they're heading for the abandoned comedy lot- Send in the Goons!
Jenny: No! No!
Servant: Yes Master! Cue East Finchley scout sketch!
Meanwhile outside.
Scout: Oh dear I am separated from my leader but cannot find my way, I make owl hoot to find way.
Lord Mike: What?
Scout: Hootie-Hootie-hootie! Hoot-hootie-hoot!
Andrew: Come on guys, let's get out of here!
{Suddenly there is a roar}
Scout: That is not my leader, that is tiger!
Lance: What?
Scout: What is Tiger doing in East Finchley?
Lance: The Horror! The Horror!
Suddenly a house appears in front of lance, Mike and Andrew. they quickly run inside.
Mike: Where on earth did this house come from?
Lance: My God Ive just realised. We're trapped in a goon scetch. this is a mirrage
{Suddenly the house disapears}
Lance: Where is Andrew now?
Andrew: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh {lands on ground with a thud}
Mike: Where have you been?
Andrew: I went upstairs
Badoom tish
(c)Spike Milligan
Richard: Good! Those Goons will keep them busy! Just wait till they run into Blue Bottle and Eccles!
Jenny: You fiend! You'll never win and I'm not scared of you!
Richard: Really? Otto? Come here!
{There are huge stomping thuds and as Jenny turns she can see a penguin emerge. It wanders over to Richard}
Richard: Behold Otto, a truely trustworthy soul.
Jenny: It's a penguin.
Richard: Really? There I was thinking he was an eagle? No, this is my friend, yes you may sneer but Otto is deadly!
Jenny: Really? And what can that bird do?
Richard: Otto, are you hungry?
{It replies in a crude, squawking tone}
Otto: Yerrr. Meee Hungreee!
Jenny: It can speak.
Richard: Just about, while Lance has Nibbles I have Otto and he is great, he's faster, smarter, bigger and a killer! All wrapped up as this lonesome little bird. Otto, begin gnawing on Jenny's nails,toe nails, then her finger nails, then her head nails!
Jenny: Head nails? It's called hair!
Richard: Hair and nails are the same thing! Bon Appetite!
Jenny: No, my hair, I'm going to be bald! No! Hurricane!
Hurricane: Somebody call my name?
Richard: How did you get in?
Hurricane: Your Penguin left the door open, I'm going to fix you good!
Richard: Otto, stop him!
Otto: Yaaaayyyyy!
{Suddenly Hurricane finds himself chained upside down over the pool of Piranhas}
Hurricane: That bird packs quite a punch!
Richard: Quiite so and now less than a few hours to ABD! Otto, laugh for me!
Otto: Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa!
(Lord Mike, Sir Lance and Andrew are running across open ground. Suddenly they come to a creek, Lord Mike and Sir Lance stop in time but Andrew does not)
Andrew: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
(Splash)
Lance: He's fallen in the water
Lord Mike: No, Lance, the Goons are taking over you!
Lance: No they won't! Ying-tang ying-tang...
(Lord Mike punches Lance in the face)
Lance: Ow, what was that for?
Lord Mike: I had to De-Goon-ify you!
Andrew: That's a load of s
Lord Mike: Indeed 'tis!
(Sir Lance points to a creaky rope bridge spanning the chasm)
Andrew: What is it?
Lord Mike: It's a creaky rope bridge spanning the chasm!
Lance: Watch out! It's Ned's Atomic Dustbin!
Lord Mike: No it isn't.
Lance: Oh. Well what is it then?
Andrew: It's a creaky rope bridge spanning the chasm.
Lance: So, does this post have a punchline?
Lord Mike: No.
(They cross the bridge.)
Ext:Secret base
Richard:{On PA system} Two and a half hours to ABD
Lance: Oh no! I say whats the time fellow
Fellow: Just a minute I have it written down on a piece of paper
Mike: No! Another goon! We have to get through those concrete doors somehow
Andrew: Why dont you use your head for once Lance
Lance: I think I have a better idea. W'ell use your head. take off that costume
{After much struggle they remove the power ranger suit and use Andrew as a battering ram}
Secret base 30 mins later
Richard: Nothing will stop me muhahaha.
Jenny: Thats nice sweety
Mike:Not so fast
Lance: We are here to save the day and as our motto goes...
Andrew: Ahslibbwebbywooblth
Richard: What?
Lance: Nothing it is only a small concusion
Andrew: Wubble
{Lance and mike pounce on Richard. Soon they have him on the floor. unfortunitly they did not count on Otto who soon has them chained upside down with Hurricane}
Andrew: And now the end is near and so I face the final curtain
Mike: What are you babbling on about
Andrew: pwubble
Richard: You are doomed. Doomed to lie here for all eternity. pickled in time like gerkins in a jar
Lance: You havn't counted on one thing Richard!
Richard: and that would be
Lance: NIBBLES and Hurri-girl
Mike: I thought she was just Andrew's blow up doll.
Hurricane: Actually she is a closely gaurded and very real secret
Andrew: Fwibble
Richard:{Turns around} Oh dear
{Just then Nibbles runs on with a note}
Richard: This is is your retalliation? What does the note say? Ott, eat that ferret and bring me the note!
Sir Lance: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Lord Mike: Relax Lance, I'll buy you another!
{Otto eats Nibbles}
Jenny: Ugh! This is a family board you know?
Richard: Not for much longer! Countdown is set at one hour until the end. Now for this letter: Dear Gang sorry I had to go but something's come up- I've gone off to fight my own evil Nemesis Emperor Martin. PS: I'm sorry.
Lord Mike: This is simply...
Sir Lance: Great!
Hurricane: Just typical now we're all going to loose our spots!
Richard: Quite so! The time for my take over is now!
Andrew: Not so fast- It's Morphing Time!
{Andrew becomes the rouge/ pink power ranger in front of everyone}
Richard: Are you mad or is this the influence of Ebookus?
Andrew: I shall stop you, pterodactyl kick!
Richard: Otto! Eat him!
Otto: Yaaay!
{Andrew kicks Otto off and knocks Richard flying straight into the the machinery, the countdown has been averted}
Andrew: Not bad for me! I've saved the day!
Richard: Wrong because you just destroyed my entertainment centre, the countdown still goes on!
Andrew: What? But that's impossible!
{Richard pulls of mask to reveal a robot}
Robot: I told you I prepare for every eventuality! Five minutes to annihilation, Otto throw him to the fish!
Otto: Throws Andrew to the fish
Andrew: argaggyagr kacmlk;dfjjhljkhkg!
{Dies}
{again}
Andrew: you dedded me!
Hurricane:You fiend!
Richard:Muhahaha
{Suddenly the Hand and leg cuffs of Hurricane are unlocked. he floats to saftey.}
Hurricane: How the Heck!
Andrew: Presenting Hurricane and Andrew(deceased)
Man: excuse me sir but you are in violation of copyright. if youd just come with me
{Andrew is sucked into a hoover and carted away to the BBC legal department}
Hurricane: Oh well. Its Hurra-time!
Robot: Foolish man! I am a robot primed with ABD 2, I can destroy this entire fortress, the goons, the rope bride and leave a smoking crater in its place.
Sir Lance: So we'll be safe then?
Robot: No.. You'll be destroyed with the everything!
Hurricane: Now prepare to meet my fists machine man!
Robot: You are mistaken, you friend is finished I and in control and soon the Master shall take control!
Otto: Yes I shall... Yaaay!
Lord Mike: Whack me side ways and cover me in rotten pilchards!
Sir Lance: Um... Okay?
{Lance soes exactly that culminating in a soggy looking man of action.}
Sir Lance: You told me....
Jenny: Why did that penguin just talk like that?
Robot: You are mistaken, Otto is a simple bird.
Hurricane: Come here you, I'm going to get revenge!
Otto: Stay back you fools!
Lord Mike: I was right, he can talk!
Hurricane: But how? Where's Richard.
Otto: I am Master, my body is lying severely concussed so I made a copy of my mind, downloaded it into this frame!
Sir Lance: Wow! I didn't understand a word it said?
Otto: Silence! Robot disable Huuricane, throw him to the fish and now I will be Master of the Boards!
Lord Mike: You'll have to grow up a bit first?
Sir Lance: If Nibbles was here he'd sort you out!
Otto: By the way- he was delicious!
Sir Lance: I'll get you... you evil Penguin!
Otto: Sticks and stones!
Lord Mike: Now there's an idea... Quickly you two help me throw some sticks and stones at him
(Much throwing of sticks and stones ensues)
Otto: Ow, ooch, ooh!
Sir Lance: Take that you panasious penguin!
Otto: Panasious?
Sir Lance: Oh I don't know...
(More throwing of sticks and stones ensues)
Lord Mike: Stop!
Hurricane: Why have you realised something?
Lord Mike: No, we just look a bit silly that's all
Richard (vo): Fifteen minutes until ABD
Sir Lance: Typical meglomaniac, likes the sound of his own voice
Lord Mike: Blackadder?
Sir Lance: No, Father Time
Hurricane: Quickly, we must shut down the ABD 2 before we're all ABDead!
Lord Mike: Nice one
Hurricane: Thank you
Sir Lance: But which way?!
Otto: You will never find the ABD 2, hahahahaha!
Lord Mike: Oh really? Well as this sign says "this way to ABD 2" I think that's a pretty safe bet
(They rush off down the corridor)
{Suddenly they come across a lone goon beside him another appears.}
Goon: My friend Moriarty was killed with a fake bullet!
Sir Lance: A fake bullet?
Goon: Yes he shot himself with a fake bullet.
Lord Mike: Lance, Hurricane just ignore him!
{They slip effortlessly around him and into the corridor and into a vast room- at one end stands the laser canon.}
Richard VO: Don't even think about it!
Sir Lance: Think about what?
Lord Mike: Never you mind, I shall stop your fiendish plan, you Vicious Villain!
{Suddenly a chair whirls round to show Richard covered in complex machinery}
Hurricane: Oh, it's another Robot?
Richard: No! I am he my duplicates have been around long, I am the original greetings.
Sir Lance: What happened to you?
Richard: Experiments with ABD, the destruction destroyed my body now I live like this but I shall live again- stronger than before!
Hurricane: Then why try to do destroy the Boards?
Richard: Because the Boards need a strong leader with a clear mind and I shall be he, don't move the platform you step on will shock you with five hundred thousand volts should you move. There are two minutes to annihilation of those boards!
Lord Mike: But you have forgotten one thing- Jenny!
Richard: No, that girl out there is a copy, the real Jenny is in an immitation apartment on Ebooks. You see I will succeed in my plans. Just a few more moment and I will be able live again!
Hurrican: You crazy Davros wannabe!
Sir Lance: You killed Nibbles!
Lord Mike: I'll stop you, you fiendish fiend!
Richard: Too late, fifty-nine seconds and counting...
Andrew: {appears through wall with a ghostly visitor}
Richard:Tom Baker!
Lance:Tom Baker isn't dead is he?
Mike: Sssh I think I know what hes doing
"Tom": Richard stop this
Richard: But tom i want controll of the boards
Andrew: if you dont turn that machine off. Tom Baker will call you an **SE h**e. Spoiling your fan boy delusions
Richard: No I will not
Tom:Richard you are an ar..
Richard: Ok ill do it! But I cant even If I wanted to
{Enter}
Hurricane: Stand Aside. This is going to stop.
{he strides towards the laser cannon}
Andrew: ok You can go now Wyvern
Tom/Wyvern: Ok. See you later
{Have I lost you?}
Mike: Hurricane! Hurry
The Hurricane steps onto the floor, it electrocutes him)
Sir Lance: Okay so he wasn't lying...
Richard: Hahahaha! You can't stop me Lord Mike, I am invincible!
Lord Mike: Never! Lance, have you still got that insulating cloak tht the Thal leader gave you?
Sir Lance: Of course
(Lance takes off the cloak and Lord Mike throws it onto the
electrified floor. They both run across it to the laser cannon)
Lord Mike: Quickly, we must deactivate it!
Sir Lance: Lord Mike, look at this!
(He points to a plaque on the laser cannon. It says this is a laser canon)
Lord Mike: Canon?
(He slaps his head in astonishment)
Lord Mike: Of course, he plans to make all of the boards not part of board canon, therefore wiping us all from the face of continuity!
Sir Lance: Whatever shall we do?!
Lord Mike: Quickly, help me turn this
(They turn the laser canon to face Richard, in his chair)
Richard: No! I am canonical!
Richard (vo): one second until ABD... Zero, fire!
Hurricane and his wife relax in the palace gardens
Lance Frolicks with nibbles
Mike resides over the boards with dignity
Andrew happily waxes the HURRI-cycle
Richard still confined to the spoiler board plots his next scheme
For due to his canon non of the events here ever occured
Knock Knock
Waiter: Monsieur Hurricane I have ici un bottle de Champagne pour both your lovely wife and yourself
Or did they?...
EPILOGUE:
However deep beneath the ruins of his wreck fortress, down the winding staircase into the vast chamber stood a long tank of water, within lay a bandaged body.
Otto: Preparing for revivication, my next plan will be supreme!
He places a strange device on his head, plugged into the temples of the figure. He flicks a switch. Lightning courses through the air and into the body.
The form breaks out of its tomb, tearing off its bandages it breathes.
Tearing off the bandages it stands there cold and wet. Pushing the smouldering form of Otto over it passes to the mirror and grins.
Figure: New life, new form, new beginnings! The end is in sight!
{Now wearing a new uniform, he stands on the balcony over looking an army of skeletal clones.}
Figure: My vengeance is new! I have returned and nothing will stop my plans! Nothing and no one, from this day forward I shall wield chaos as my sword. I am Chaos! So begins my crusade to Doom and Glory!
Robots: To Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory!
Figure: I, the Endmaster proclaim my second campaign open! Death to the Boards! We shall strike, We rule supreme! Doom and Glory!
Robots: Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory! Doom and Glory!
Andrew Smith
Mike Mills
Lance Baylis
Richard Wilden
Christian Symmons
