Line Dancing as she is wrote
Created | Updated May 22, 2003
'What's the difference between a duck?' I heard them cry. And well they might, because with ducks, one leg is both the same. It matters not a jot or tittle (tittle, ooohh Missus!)whether the leg is the duck's or not, the point is the duck.
Which brings me by a circuitous route to line dancing. I hear your sharp intake of breath; I sense the quickening of your pulse, the slight flush to your face as your excitement grows. Patience my child, patience. All will be revealed. Did the wise man Siri ben Ben do Tingle not say 'Why is a cow?'. Bear this is mind at all times, live by this creed and you will prosper, your every desire will be fulminated, your frocks will increase, your children will be as the sands upon the shores of the South Sea in the Pompey.
'Speak now, speak to us of the Line Dancing' the mighty thong roared. And mighty indeed was the thong, did it not cause men's eyes to be fixated, did it not occupy their hearts and minds, causing them to lust and drool and enslaving them? Yea verily it did and at the temples of the M and S and BHS and Miss Selfridge the men worshipped and the thong wove its spell upon them and drew them from the true path of righteousness.
'And what is the true path mighty teacher?' the acolytes pleaded. 'How can we find true enlightenment?' By Line Dancing, my children' mused the holy man. 'Have you not heard "The feet shall inherit the earth" and "I'm a little fairy I don't swear". Within these is the path to true enlightenment, the path that leads to Line Dancing, bless its holy name. Dance and thy cup will run over, dance and thy hale will be good, dance and thy breath will be sweet upon the summer night'.
So they danced and it was as the wise man spake. And they danced to the Lords of the West, the Dolly Parton and the Scooter Lee and those who wore the denim and the fringes and as they danced they wore the hats and the boots and they cried 'Yee Hah' and it was good.
But new teachers arose in the land and brought forth new Lords and great multitudes came together to dance to the music of the Jules of Holland and the Michael of Jackson and the Stevens who was shaking and those whose music was called Rock or Pop and they laboured long to learn the dances which were mighty wonderous and they cast aside the boots and the hats and the fringes and scorned them. Many were the women of the tribes whose cups ran over mightily and the men of the tribes looked upon them and wondered and enjoyed the cups running over but when the women danced more and more the cups did not run over as much and they spake unto their tribes saying 'Look, I was a size 14, now I'm a size 12 and I'm still eating the same!' And the tribes marvelled and it was good. And the healing men of the tribes spake unto them saying 'Weight bearing exercises such as dancing are good for bones and regular exercise is essential for a healthy heart' and this gladdened the hearts or the dancers because they craved the music and they craved the fellowship of their brothers and sisters in dancing and the teachers of the Line Dancing were good unto them and leaned over backwards to make sure they could do the dances and it was doing them good at the same time! So the children danced and the young men and the young maidens danced and the mothers and fathers danced and the grey and toothless danced and it was good for all.
But many were they who believed the dark forces which whispered unto them 'It's all that Country and Western and yee hah' and they were led astray into the stony places where their waists fattened and their muscles grew slack and their very hearts and arteries turned to stone and the spake unto their fellows saying 'I don't like that Line Dancing.' Verily, verily I say unto you, they didn't try it, what a load of plonkers.
Which brings me by a circuitous route to line dancing. I hear your sharp intake of breath; I sense the quickening of your pulse, the slight flush to your face as your excitement grows. Patience my child, patience. All will be revealed. Did the wise man Siri ben Ben do Tingle not say 'Why is a cow?'. Bear this is mind at all times, live by this creed and you will prosper, your every desire will be fulminated, your frocks will increase, your children will be as the sands upon the shores of the South Sea in the Pompey.
'Speak now, speak to us of the Line Dancing' the mighty thong roared. And mighty indeed was the thong, did it not cause men's eyes to be fixated, did it not occupy their hearts and minds, causing them to lust and drool and enslaving them? Yea verily it did and at the temples of the M and S and BHS and Miss Selfridge the men worshipped and the thong wove its spell upon them and drew them from the true path of righteousness.
'And what is the true path mighty teacher?' the acolytes pleaded. 'How can we find true enlightenment?' By Line Dancing, my children' mused the holy man. 'Have you not heard "The feet shall inherit the earth" and "I'm a little fairy I don't swear". Within these is the path to true enlightenment, the path that leads to Line Dancing, bless its holy name. Dance and thy cup will run over, dance and thy hale will be good, dance and thy breath will be sweet upon the summer night'.
So they danced and it was as the wise man spake. And they danced to the Lords of the West, the Dolly Parton and the Scooter Lee and those who wore the denim and the fringes and as they danced they wore the hats and the boots and they cried 'Yee Hah' and it was good.
But new teachers arose in the land and brought forth new Lords and great multitudes came together to dance to the music of the Jules of Holland and the Michael of Jackson and the Stevens who was shaking and those whose music was called Rock or Pop and they laboured long to learn the dances which were mighty wonderous and they cast aside the boots and the hats and the fringes and scorned them. Many were the women of the tribes whose cups ran over mightily and the men of the tribes looked upon them and wondered and enjoyed the cups running over but when the women danced more and more the cups did not run over as much and they spake unto their tribes saying 'Look, I was a size 14, now I'm a size 12 and I'm still eating the same!' And the tribes marvelled and it was good. And the healing men of the tribes spake unto them saying 'Weight bearing exercises such as dancing are good for bones and regular exercise is essential for a healthy heart' and this gladdened the hearts or the dancers because they craved the music and they craved the fellowship of their brothers and sisters in dancing and the teachers of the Line Dancing were good unto them and leaned over backwards to make sure they could do the dances and it was doing them good at the same time! So the children danced and the young men and the young maidens danced and the mothers and fathers danced and the grey and toothless danced and it was good for all.
But many were they who believed the dark forces which whispered unto them 'It's all that Country and Western and yee hah' and they were led astray into the stony places where their waists fattened and their muscles grew slack and their very hearts and arteries turned to stone and the spake unto their fellows saying 'I don't like that Line Dancing.' Verily, verily I say unto you, they didn't try it, what a load of plonkers.
