A Part Of Me - Chapter 2
Created | Updated May 25, 2003
It's Sunday evening and all is calm. My boy is getting better and everything is okay, considering. But I'm thinking of you. I can't go to bed because I'll just cry. It's been such a good day aswell. There's nothing on television, but anyway, wasn't it always you who'd encourage me with my poetry and tell me not to sit in front of the box? 'Don't waste your time, you never know how much you have', you'd say. And how right you were, now I have all the time in the world and no time to spend with you. Why are you gone? It's been awhile but I'm not through. I realise I've lost the battle and the tears will come, no matter how much I fight. Not right this instant, but soon. And probably at the most inappropriate moment; wasn't I brushing my teeth the last time? At least I'd removed my mascara, although I still looked a mess sitting on the side of the bath, head in my hands and toothpaste around my mouth. I at least raise a smile when I realise I must've looked like Ronald bloody McDonald! I can remember us all at McDonalds, a place we'd both previously detested. And then we'd see the look of delight on Adam's face whenever we passed it. No matter how healthily we fed him, nothing would compare with that £1.99 Happy Meal. We would sit there with miserable cups of tea, whilst Adam would be transfixed with whichever toy that had came free with his Chicken McNuggets. Simple pleasures. And now McDonalds is not the same without you, me telling you off for teaching our son how to make moustaches out of french fries, and your endless light-saber battles with milkshake straws. I take a look at our lounge and it's almost as if you're still living here. I still can't play our CD's, I run the duster over them occasionally thinking they may aswell all be called 'You're Not Here Anymore'. You were so passionate about music and it was so infectious. But then again you were passionate about almost everything. That's what I loved about you the most, I think. That and your cute butt, never underestimate the appeal of a man's posterior. But even if you didn't always say it, I could feel it. You had that way of looking at me, perhaps all couples have it, I don't know, but no matter how crowded the concert or party or wherever we would be - all it took was that one look for me to see I was the only person in the world for you. And I still feel the same way about you but you're gone and I feel so alone, so helpless. I manage to reach the tissues in the kitchen in time, I cry and I keep crying. A rush of emotions pour through me, can't I just weep quietly like in the movies? Why do I shake and shudder as if something is leaving me?
"For goodness sake," I mutter. I take a look at myself in the mirror and see such an ugly thing. And now I feel anger, such resentment. I'm sorry.
"For Adam's sake more than mine," I ask the question I always ask. "Why were you taken from me? What the hell did we do to deserve it?"
I look at the floor and watch my tears drop. It's barely half a year since we lay on the same spot, in our undies throwing food at each other. You were nothing if not unpredictable. I remember you astride me, writing your initials on my stomach with jam - NJH. And I couldn't return the favour because of that rug on your chest. But I did come up with something to make you smile. Seemed like nothing could wipe that damn grin off your face for days afterwards. I continue to dab at my eyes, oh you're gonna look a stunner at work tomorrow, girl. A queue of eligible males again, eh Rosie? God, I'm exhausted. At least I got that out of me. So glad Adam never sees me like this, he's such a sensitive boy. Time to go check on him. I lock the doors and turn out the lights before looking in on Adam's room.
"Sleep well, my little man." I kiss him and think 'Keep smiling'. His father's words echo inside me and I take them with me to bed.
Mummy isn't happy. There's no music on and Mummy always sings in the car. We sing the Spice Girls. She hasn't asked about school. It was good today, I drawed more than Sean. Teacher said it was nice.
"Can we have chips?"
"Yeah. Okay Adam."
Mummy is smiling but not properly. She's thinking of things. Daddy or work. Nearly home now, going to watch Nick Jnr. I want chips and sausage, the sausage with the crackly stuff on it.
"Can I have a funny sausage aswell?"
Mummy laughed when I said this before. So did the man who makes the chips. But Mummy hasn't said anything now, she's just looked at me. And now she's driving again. I don't want to ask another question. I don't want Mummy crying again like she does in bed. I just want chips.
"Mum! Your hair is in my nose."
I stop hugging him as he scratches his nose.
"Hmm, bit ticklish are we, Mr so-called Super Hero?"
"No, not ticklish."
He takes a step back, knowing what's coming next.
"Think you are!" I flex my fingers and his eyes bulge.
"Nooo!" he shouts in mock terror. I chase him on all fours before bringing him down by the settee. I poke and prod gently at his ribs, his laughter fills the room and lightens my heart in a way that only my son's laughter can. I complete my victory with a sloppy raspberry on his tummy.
"Ha, gotcha Ad-Man! One - Nil, to the mommiiee!"
"No, no one - nil! I'll win tomorrow."
I put him to bed later and promise to let him watch Ghostbusters 2 tomorrow night. I make a mental note to wear a crop-top, that way he can get his revenge with a raspberry on my belly when I'm on the settee. I leave the television on, glad of the noise. I can't believe work was so bad, and that I let it get to me. And poor Adam, I could barely speak to him, really didn't want to bite his head off. Sorry, honey. I should be glad Dave asked me out, I may have put all my energy into being a mother but I'm still a woman. I miss kissing. I get all the affection I need from Adam and dad, but there's nothing like having someone in your arms and connecting with them. Someone good at it, mind. There was no way I was going on a date with Dave, nice guy that he is. I'd heard all about his previous girlfriends to know better. Always known he'd liked me, don't know how, he'd never been letchy or particularly flirty, I'd just known. And it was easy to say no because of Adam, I think he'd only asked as he'd heard me confessing to a lack of social-life. Kind of nice all the same, though. Perhaps I'm still dishy? All I'd done was wonder what it would be like to kiss him, and then I felt them. Couldn't believe it, stupid goosebumps. I felt so angry. What was it? Guilt? I don't want a man in my life, not in that way. But I feel like I'm being punished. Can I not even glance at a cute guy in the street, or watch a Johnny Depp film? Please, just let me live my life. I feel like I'm being watched. Who is it? God? Is it you Nigel? Protecting your patch are we? Sorry, I'm just upset. Somedays I'm sure my love for you is written all over my face and I never want it to end. But how do I move on? Do I just bring up Adam, then push him out the door when he's 18?
"Is that it, then?" No crying tonight, I've had enough. "Is that my job, my life now?" I love you Nigel, but I don't know what to do. I need some direction. I feel like breaking down again, I feel like throwing things, I feel...
"Well come on then!" I stretch out my arms, "Where are you now?" Why don't the goosebumps come now? Why-
'I'm here, Rose.'
My arms instantly prickle. I feel it all over me. Oh my God, oh God. That...that voice. Nigel's voice. I look around quickly, I think of Adam.
"Who's there? I swear I'll-"
'Rose, calm down. I'm someone who will never hurt you.'
In my head, I can't hear him but his words are in my head. What's happening to me? I start towards the stairs, my son-
'Your son is fine. I'm using Nigel's voice as I don't want to scare you-'
"Then who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my head?" I slump at the foot of the stairs, thankfull that no-one's in my home to harm my baby. I'm just going crazy, that's all.
'You're not crazy, Rose. You're fine, just shocked.'
He can read my thoughts. Shit. Who are you then? And why should I believe you?
'I'm your Guardian. And I'm sitting at your kitchen table.'
I clutch my head, it's starting to ache. Just get up Rose, brush your teeth and go to bed. This isn't happening.
'It is happening. I'm here to help. You and your son.'
What am I doing? I just can't walk into my kitchen and talk to someone claiming to be a f*****g angel or something. I just can't.
'You can Rose, you have to.'
What will he look like, what-
'I can resemble anybody you wish. I can look like Nigel if you want, but I wouldn't recommend it.'
If I do this, I want you to look like someone I don't know. But someone I can trust.
'I'm waiting for you.'
I get up. I look upstairs and think of Adam. I don't know what I'm doing, my mind is racing. As if someone is guiding me, I walk into the kitchen. And there he is...
I pull into the drive and realise there's something wrong. I turn off the ignition and just think. There's something at the back of my mind, the slightest sense of dread. Almost as if I shouldn't open the front door, I may not like what I find.
"Nonsense, old boy."
I reassure myself a touch. It's a Monday afternoon, pipe, slippers and a spot of dinner. Maybe even a can of Guinness, just for medicinal puposes though. But what if somebody's in there? A couple of guys ransacking my house, what if I disturb them?
"Come on Jerry, get a grip."
Best get a grip then. No damage to the front door, but nothing can make me turn the key. There's something...
"Rose."
My heart aches, I grip my chest and for a split-second I see her. I see the pain on her face, the confusion. There's someone at her place, I'm sure. Some bastard's got in there when she's picked Adam up.
"Oh my girl, if anything-" I shut off my thoughts. Just get to the blasted phone you stupid old man. I blunder through to the living room where I remember leaving the phone beside my chair. I'm twenty minutes away from them, anything could be happening. Dear lord, my grandson. My heart tightens and stops me in my tracks.
"Not now, no."
I can barely see in the room but I can see that the phone isn't there. And there was me worrying about a stupid burglar. There could be a hundred of them here and I would push my hands through their very hearts to get to you Rose, this I swear. I rummage around in the arms of the sofa, I pull out the television remote and hurl it away, ignoring the crack as it hits the wall. God I feel desperate, I'm her father, I'm supposed to have the answers-
"Got it."
The cold piece of plastic feels like the most important thing in the world, and I stab at it like a
madman.
"Just get out Rose, get Adam and - Rose? Thank God, I think there's someone there, I think...no. I just, I couldn't help. Have you checked, is he okay? Are you sure? Look, just check, I'll wait."
I sit out of breath on my knees. She's going to be alright. Old fool, what was I thinking?
"He hasn't moved? Okay, and you've looked all round downstairs? Jesus Rose, I'm sorry, so...no, I'm sorry. I shouldn't, I just felt...I don't know. Yes I'm alright. Okay, I love you girl. Yeh, I know, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye love."
My eyes are wet and my body's exhausted. I close the front door and feel like an idiot. No, that's not fair, an idiot wouldn't have known what to do. And if there was a burglar here, he's scarpered by now with the racket I caused. Well, that was exciting, eh? I stick the television on and clean up the mess. I think about added security for Rose's house, perhaps some motion detectors or something. It's not the first time I've phoned up worried sick over her. But this was different, I could see her so clearly. And yet when she answered the phone, she seemed so calm, so sure. Can't believe she settled me down so fast, it was almost as if she felt safer than ever. But anyway, all's well that ends well. I may even have to phone Mrs Harris down the road, she's sure to invite me round for a bite to eat. Will have to tell her how brave, concerned and commanding I was. Yes, she's sure to be tickled pink.
"For goodness sake," I mutter. I take a look at myself in the mirror and see such an ugly thing. And now I feel anger, such resentment. I'm sorry.
"For Adam's sake more than mine," I ask the question I always ask. "Why were you taken from me? What the hell did we do to deserve it?"
I look at the floor and watch my tears drop. It's barely half a year since we lay on the same spot, in our undies throwing food at each other. You were nothing if not unpredictable. I remember you astride me, writing your initials on my stomach with jam - NJH. And I couldn't return the favour because of that rug on your chest. But I did come up with something to make you smile. Seemed like nothing could wipe that damn grin off your face for days afterwards. I continue to dab at my eyes, oh you're gonna look a stunner at work tomorrow, girl. A queue of eligible males again, eh Rosie? God, I'm exhausted. At least I got that out of me. So glad Adam never sees me like this, he's such a sensitive boy. Time to go check on him. I lock the doors and turn out the lights before looking in on Adam's room.
"Sleep well, my little man." I kiss him and think 'Keep smiling'. His father's words echo inside me and I take them with me to bed.
Mummy isn't happy. There's no music on and Mummy always sings in the car. We sing the Spice Girls. She hasn't asked about school. It was good today, I drawed more than Sean. Teacher said it was nice.
"Can we have chips?"
"Yeah. Okay Adam."
Mummy is smiling but not properly. She's thinking of things. Daddy or work. Nearly home now, going to watch Nick Jnr. I want chips and sausage, the sausage with the crackly stuff on it.
"Can I have a funny sausage aswell?"
Mummy laughed when I said this before. So did the man who makes the chips. But Mummy hasn't said anything now, she's just looked at me. And now she's driving again. I don't want to ask another question. I don't want Mummy crying again like she does in bed. I just want chips.
"Mum! Your hair is in my nose."
I stop hugging him as he scratches his nose.
"Hmm, bit ticklish are we, Mr so-called Super Hero?"
"No, not ticklish."
He takes a step back, knowing what's coming next.
"Think you are!" I flex my fingers and his eyes bulge.
"Nooo!" he shouts in mock terror. I chase him on all fours before bringing him down by the settee. I poke and prod gently at his ribs, his laughter fills the room and lightens my heart in a way that only my son's laughter can. I complete my victory with a sloppy raspberry on his tummy.
"Ha, gotcha Ad-Man! One - Nil, to the mommiiee!"
"No, no one - nil! I'll win tomorrow."
I put him to bed later and promise to let him watch Ghostbusters 2 tomorrow night. I make a mental note to wear a crop-top, that way he can get his revenge with a raspberry on my belly when I'm on the settee. I leave the television on, glad of the noise. I can't believe work was so bad, and that I let it get to me. And poor Adam, I could barely speak to him, really didn't want to bite his head off. Sorry, honey. I should be glad Dave asked me out, I may have put all my energy into being a mother but I'm still a woman. I miss kissing. I get all the affection I need from Adam and dad, but there's nothing like having someone in your arms and connecting with them. Someone good at it, mind. There was no way I was going on a date with Dave, nice guy that he is. I'd heard all about his previous girlfriends to know better. Always known he'd liked me, don't know how, he'd never been letchy or particularly flirty, I'd just known. And it was easy to say no because of Adam, I think he'd only asked as he'd heard me confessing to a lack of social-life. Kind of nice all the same, though. Perhaps I'm still dishy? All I'd done was wonder what it would be like to kiss him, and then I felt them. Couldn't believe it, stupid goosebumps. I felt so angry. What was it? Guilt? I don't want a man in my life, not in that way. But I feel like I'm being punished. Can I not even glance at a cute guy in the street, or watch a Johnny Depp film? Please, just let me live my life. I feel like I'm being watched. Who is it? God? Is it you Nigel? Protecting your patch are we? Sorry, I'm just upset. Somedays I'm sure my love for you is written all over my face and I never want it to end. But how do I move on? Do I just bring up Adam, then push him out the door when he's 18?
"Is that it, then?" No crying tonight, I've had enough. "Is that my job, my life now?" I love you Nigel, but I don't know what to do. I need some direction. I feel like breaking down again, I feel like throwing things, I feel...
"Well come on then!" I stretch out my arms, "Where are you now?" Why don't the goosebumps come now? Why-
'I'm here, Rose.'
My arms instantly prickle. I feel it all over me. Oh my God, oh God. That...that voice. Nigel's voice. I look around quickly, I think of Adam.
"Who's there? I swear I'll-"
'Rose, calm down. I'm someone who will never hurt you.'
In my head, I can't hear him but his words are in my head. What's happening to me? I start towards the stairs, my son-
'Your son is fine. I'm using Nigel's voice as I don't want to scare you-'
"Then who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my head?" I slump at the foot of the stairs, thankfull that no-one's in my home to harm my baby. I'm just going crazy, that's all.
'You're not crazy, Rose. You're fine, just shocked.'
He can read my thoughts. Shit. Who are you then? And why should I believe you?
'I'm your Guardian. And I'm sitting at your kitchen table.'
I clutch my head, it's starting to ache. Just get up Rose, brush your teeth and go to bed. This isn't happening.
'It is happening. I'm here to help. You and your son.'
What am I doing? I just can't walk into my kitchen and talk to someone claiming to be a f*****g angel or something. I just can't.
'You can Rose, you have to.'
What will he look like, what-
'I can resemble anybody you wish. I can look like Nigel if you want, but I wouldn't recommend it.'
If I do this, I want you to look like someone I don't know. But someone I can trust.
'I'm waiting for you.'
I get up. I look upstairs and think of Adam. I don't know what I'm doing, my mind is racing. As if someone is guiding me, I walk into the kitchen. And there he is...
I pull into the drive and realise there's something wrong. I turn off the ignition and just think. There's something at the back of my mind, the slightest sense of dread. Almost as if I shouldn't open the front door, I may not like what I find.
"Nonsense, old boy."
I reassure myself a touch. It's a Monday afternoon, pipe, slippers and a spot of dinner. Maybe even a can of Guinness, just for medicinal puposes though. But what if somebody's in there? A couple of guys ransacking my house, what if I disturb them?
"Come on Jerry, get a grip."
Best get a grip then. No damage to the front door, but nothing can make me turn the key. There's something...
"Rose."
My heart aches, I grip my chest and for a split-second I see her. I see the pain on her face, the confusion. There's someone at her place, I'm sure. Some bastard's got in there when she's picked Adam up.
"Oh my girl, if anything-" I shut off my thoughts. Just get to the blasted phone you stupid old man. I blunder through to the living room where I remember leaving the phone beside my chair. I'm twenty minutes away from them, anything could be happening. Dear lord, my grandson. My heart tightens and stops me in my tracks.
"Not now, no."
I can barely see in the room but I can see that the phone isn't there. And there was me worrying about a stupid burglar. There could be a hundred of them here and I would push my hands through their very hearts to get to you Rose, this I swear. I rummage around in the arms of the sofa, I pull out the television remote and hurl it away, ignoring the crack as it hits the wall. God I feel desperate, I'm her father, I'm supposed to have the answers-
"Got it."
The cold piece of plastic feels like the most important thing in the world, and I stab at it like a
madman.
"Just get out Rose, get Adam and - Rose? Thank God, I think there's someone there, I think...no. I just, I couldn't help. Have you checked, is he okay? Are you sure? Look, just check, I'll wait."
I sit out of breath on my knees. She's going to be alright. Old fool, what was I thinking?
"He hasn't moved? Okay, and you've looked all round downstairs? Jesus Rose, I'm sorry, so...no, I'm sorry. I shouldn't, I just felt...I don't know. Yes I'm alright. Okay, I love you girl. Yeh, I know, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye love."
My eyes are wet and my body's exhausted. I close the front door and feel like an idiot. No, that's not fair, an idiot wouldn't have known what to do. And if there was a burglar here, he's scarpered by now with the racket I caused. Well, that was exciting, eh? I stick the television on and clean up the mess. I think about added security for Rose's house, perhaps some motion detectors or something. It's not the first time I've phoned up worried sick over her. But this was different, I could see her so clearly. And yet when she answered the phone, she seemed so calm, so sure. Can't believe she settled me down so fast, it was almost as if she felt safer than ever. But anyway, all's well that ends well. I may even have to phone Mrs Harris down the road, she's sure to invite me round for a bite to eat. Will have to tell her how brave, concerned and commanding I was. Yes, she's sure to be tickled pink.
