Crackpot Theories
Created | Updated Aug 9, 2004
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In my (so far) 46 years, I have developed a series of theories about life. Call them "coping mechanisms", call them rules to getting by.... call them what you will. I call them:
<eureka>ANNEKE'S CRACKPOT THEORIES<eureka>(a work in progress).....
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1) You find things much faster (where you put them) if you accuse your husband/co-worker/sister of stealing/putting them somewhere..... Works much faster if you post a really big, nasty, signed note about the villian responsible.
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2a) If you are doing something of which your mother would not approve ...that's just when she'll walk into the room.....
2b) If you "borrowed" something that your mother hasn't used in years, that had been sitting gathering dust on the top shelf of a cupboard .... your mother will suddenly have found a use for it and notice that it is missing....
2c) Your mother will not hear you speaking to you from 3 feet away but can hear you on the phone at the other end of the house telling your sister something you don't want her to hear.
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3a) You should always look for something in the last place you would ever think of looking, because that is just where it will be....
3b) You never find something the day you need it, you will only find it when you are looking for something else, and AFTER you don't need the first thing anymore.....
3c) Don't ever put something "in a safe place" because you will NEVER find it....
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4) When coming down with a cold, you stand a very good chance of not actually getting sick if you complain loudly to everyone and anyone about all your symptoms and how awful you feel. You will immediately start to feel better. Everyone will think you are a hypocondriac, but you will at least be healty!
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5) If a recipe works every time you have tried it for yourself or for family, the first time you try it for a dinner party it will be a colossal failure. --- This may also be applied to science experiments, demonstrations of art or craft techniques, or quite a range of other situations.
5a) The more crucial the need for something to work, the more likely it is NOT to work.
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6) If the office is very, very cold and you complain, they will not turn the heat up. When the weather warms up and the office gets very, very hot and they won't turn the heat down. The minute the air-conditioning does comes on for the summer is the day that the temperature drops below -15. This could be the beginning of another ice-age, but they will not turn the air-conditioning off.
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7) If the bank/tax office/airline/etc./etc., has made a terrible mistake, it will be impossible/will take a long time/you cannot access your account, until the problem is corrected...... unless you burst into tears.... At that point what was impossible will suddenly become possible. You look like a complete idiot, but 9 times out of ten, you will have solved is seconds what would ordinarily take days or weeks/a lot of money to fix.
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8) If you need a policeman, run a red light or go through a stop sign. That is the only time you will see one.
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9) The day that everyone in the office decides to go to lunch, you will have, for the first time in months, brought your lunch.
9a) The day that everyone in the office decides to go to lunch, you will have forgotten your wallet at home.
In my (so far) 46 years, I have developed a series of theories about life. Call them "coping mechanisms", call them rules to getting by.... call them what you will. I call them:
<eureka>ANNEKE'S CRACKPOT THEORIES<eureka>(a work in progress).....
<footprints><footprints><footprints>
1) You find things much faster (where you put them) if you accuse your husband/co-worker/sister of stealing/putting them somewhere..... Works much faster if you post a really big, nasty, signed note about the villian responsible.
<footprints><footprints><footprints>
2a) If you are doing something of which your mother would not approve ...that's just when she'll walk into the room.....
2b) If you "borrowed" something that your mother hasn't used in years, that had been sitting gathering dust on the top shelf of a cupboard .... your mother will suddenly have found a use for it and notice that it is missing....
2c) Your mother will not hear you speaking to you from 3 feet away but can hear you on the phone at the other end of the house telling your sister something you don't want her to hear.
<footprints><footprints><footprints>
3a) You should always look for something in the last place you would ever think of looking, because that is just where it will be....
3b) You never find something the day you need it, you will only find it when you are looking for something else, and AFTER you don't need the first thing anymore.....
3c) Don't ever put something "in a safe place" because you will NEVER find it....
<footprints><footprints><footprints>
4) When coming down with a cold, you stand a very good chance of not actually getting sick if you complain loudly to everyone and anyone about all your symptoms and how awful you feel. You will immediately start to feel better. Everyone will think you are a hypocondriac, but you will at least be healty!
<footprints><footprints><footprints>
5) If a recipe works every time you have tried it for yourself or for family, the first time you try it for a dinner party it will be a colossal failure. --- This may also be applied to science experiments, demonstrations of art or craft techniques, or quite a range of other situations.
5a) The more crucial the need for something to work, the more likely it is NOT to work.
<footprints><footprints><footprints>
6) If the office is very, very cold and you complain, they will not turn the heat up. When the weather warms up and the office gets very, very hot and they won't turn the heat down. The minute the air-conditioning does comes on for the summer is the day that the temperature drops below -15. This could be the beginning of another ice-age, but they will not turn the air-conditioning off.
<footprints><footprints><footprints>
7) If the bank/tax office/airline/etc./etc., has made a terrible mistake, it will be impossible/will take a long time/you cannot access your account, until the problem is corrected...... unless you burst into tears.... At that point what was impossible will suddenly become possible. You look like a complete idiot, but 9 times out of ten, you will have solved is seconds what would ordinarily take days or weeks/a lot of money to fix.
<footprints><footprints><footprints>
8) If you need a policeman, run a red light or go through a stop sign. That is the only time you will see one.
<footprints><footprints><footprints>
9) The day that everyone in the office decides to go to lunch, you will have, for the first time in months, brought your lunch.
9a) The day that everyone in the office decides to go to lunch, you will have forgotten your wallet at home.
