A Guide to World Politics

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FEUDALISM: You have 2 cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows, the government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows, your neighbours help you take care of them, and you share all the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have 2 cow. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all of the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both, and shoots you.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots you, and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The neighbours say who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". Cow sues you for breach of contract.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government regulates what you can feed them & when you can milk them. The it pays you not to milk them. After that, it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company, which is secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng-shui.

LESBIANISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership ' is a symbol of the pahallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuble to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude...there's like....these two cows, man. You have GOT to try some of this milk...

SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

- Feedback (Feb-March 2003) - A Widnesian local Arts/Culture magazine

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