Conspiracy Science
Created | Updated Apr 4, 2003
The full text (and some graphics) is from my True Science page (http://www.dnaco.net/~ivanjs/truescience.html). For some reason, I became obsessed with 3 letter acronyms (3la) and decided to write a section of my site around 3la. Being a fan of science and of ridiculous conspiracy theories, I created my True Science page. More of a bargain bin at the CD store, really...
ABOUT TELESCOPES:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the telescope as an optical device for viewing celestial bodies. I have it on good authority that this perception is totally wrong! The telescope is in fact, an image transference device left to us by ancient astronauts millions of years ago (MYA).
When you look into the telescope, the telescope uses an advanced aura-detection algorithm (ADA) which has cataloged every possible genetic makeup of every human that has ever lived, been born or is yet to be born and automatically attempts to adjust focus and lighting. Unfortunately, the database was created MYA before the Gutenberg Press was invented. The Gutenberg Press is solely responsible for humans requiring optical support devices (OSD). So, that is why we must manually focus the telescope every time we step up to it -- the aliens forgot to account for the printed word screwing our eyesight up.
Once the ADA has acquired your DNA coding and attempted to adjust for your personal visual discrepancy (PVD), it sends a request out to the base station in question via warped time/space (VWTS). The base station in turn, sends you back it's favorite postcard-quality image through the warped time/space (WTS not to be confused with VWTS) and you get an image. All celestial bodies including nebula and black holes have base stations left by the aliens a gazillion years ago (GYA).
Black holes, unfortunately, never developed an imaging device strong enough to break through its gravitational pull so that is why you never see anything cool when looking at a black hole.
ABOUT RESISTORS:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the resistor as a current-resistive device (CRD) made of material used to control the flow of electrons. I have it on good authority that this perception is totally wrong! The resistor is in fact, a member of a group of freedom fighters from dimension BR549; it just so happens they are really good at controlling current in a circuit.
To the casual observer, the resistor is quite pretty, with its little color coded bands and somewhat feminine shape (SFS).
In actuality, the resistor is a being from another dimension with keen knowledge of killing methods who is bred for the sole purpose of resisting a violent race of overthrowers that took over the resistor's world millenia ago.
The color codes, which we have mistakenly associated with a numerical method of describing a resistive value (NMDRV), are actually maps pointing to the overthrowers' main weapons depots and information on how to destroy the overthrowers.
Resistors can fight much better when connected in series with each other.
ABOUT INTEGRATED CIRCUITS:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the Integrated Circuit (IC) as a compact, electrical device containing millions of resistors, transistors, and other electronic components. I have it on good authority that this perception is totally wrong! The IC is in fact, a large communal gathering of microscopic beings from dimension X who can perform advanced calculations really really fast.
IC stands for Integrated Community. To the keen scientific observer, it is a small plastic thingy (SPT) with metal legs sticking out of it that makes really cool avant garde jewelry and has even been seen on found sculptures.
Through its many microscopic inhabitants (MMI), you can operate your computer, your compact disc player, your television, and sometimes your car on this wonderful little device (WLD).
While the IC is useful for many different things, don't carry one in your back pocket. The MMIs don't like to be sat on, and they'll send one spear-bearing microscopic inhabitant (SBMI) to each of the ICs legs to poke you in the butt.
ABOUT LEDS:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the Light Emitting Diode (LED) as a small light emitting device (LED) which, when forward biased with current, emits a great deal of visual radiation. I have it on good authority that this perception is totally wrong! The LED is in fact, a transparent housing for small insects which emit light.
LED stands for Light Emitting Diode. It's a small plastic thingy (SPT) with metal legs sticking out of it. The plastic thingy is generally red, green, yellow or sometimes polka dot. Not really.
An LED actually contains small insects from the backwoods of Eastern Kentucky that are known for giving off different colors of light when sexually aroused. It just so happens that electrical current in an electronic device provides them with artifical stimulation, and therefore, they glow.
ABOUT TRANSISTORS:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the transistor as a semiconductor device with 3 leads that uses a very small amount of current in one lead to control a much larger amount of current through the other two leads. This is not quite the way we see it.
While it may appear on the surface that the transistor is nothing more than some kind of peon gatekeeper that allows large amounts of current through, in reality, the transistor is a political symbol representing the ability of special interest groups to control our government.
Other than that, the Popular Press Society is mostly right.
ABOUT CONSTRUCTION BARRELS:
You see them every day. They're everywhere. They slow you down, make you late for work. Your boss chews you out for being late, when you know very well that it wasn't your fault. But it's worse than that. It's much worse.
Of course, we're talking about -- The Construction Barrel.
Oh, sure, the Popular Press Society (PPS) would have us believe that the Lowly Construction Barrel (lcb) is nothing more than some happy orange and white plastic Cylinder Shaped Thingys (CST) designed to "motivate" you into the other lane, while in fact, it is well known (to us) that construction barrels are escape pods ejected from Intergalactic Starships from our Future (ISF) that crashed in the forests of Northern Russia around the turn of the century. Unfortunately, the impact from the crash sealed the inhabitants inside forever until they decayed so that if you open one up now, you won't find anything inside.
When you accidentally hit a construction barrel, you disturb the essence of the alien being that once inhabited the barrel.
ABOUT CAPACITORS:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the capacitor as an electronic device which temporarily stores electrons by using 2 conductors separated by what is known as a dielectric.
This one is true.
ABOUT TELESCOPES:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the telescope as an optical device for viewing celestial bodies. I have it on good authority that this perception is totally wrong! The telescope is in fact, an image transference device left to us by ancient astronauts millions of years ago (MYA).
When you look into the telescope, the telescope uses an advanced aura-detection algorithm (ADA) which has cataloged every possible genetic makeup of every human that has ever lived, been born or is yet to be born and automatically attempts to adjust focus and lighting. Unfortunately, the database was created MYA before the Gutenberg Press was invented. The Gutenberg Press is solely responsible for humans requiring optical support devices (OSD). So, that is why we must manually focus the telescope every time we step up to it -- the aliens forgot to account for the printed word screwing our eyesight up.
Once the ADA has acquired your DNA coding and attempted to adjust for your personal visual discrepancy (PVD), it sends a request out to the base station in question via warped time/space (VWTS). The base station in turn, sends you back it's favorite postcard-quality image through the warped time/space (WTS not to be confused with VWTS) and you get an image. All celestial bodies including nebula and black holes have base stations left by the aliens a gazillion years ago (GYA).
Black holes, unfortunately, never developed an imaging device strong enough to break through its gravitational pull so that is why you never see anything cool when looking at a black hole.
ABOUT RESISTORS:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the resistor as a current-resistive device (CRD) made of material used to control the flow of electrons. I have it on good authority that this perception is totally wrong! The resistor is in fact, a member of a group of freedom fighters from dimension BR549; it just so happens they are really good at controlling current in a circuit.
To the casual observer, the resistor is quite pretty, with its little color coded bands and somewhat feminine shape (SFS).
In actuality, the resistor is a being from another dimension with keen knowledge of killing methods who is bred for the sole purpose of resisting a violent race of overthrowers that took over the resistor's world millenia ago.
The color codes, which we have mistakenly associated with a numerical method of describing a resistive value (NMDRV), are actually maps pointing to the overthrowers' main weapons depots and information on how to destroy the overthrowers.
Resistors can fight much better when connected in series with each other.
ABOUT INTEGRATED CIRCUITS:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the Integrated Circuit (IC) as a compact, electrical device containing millions of resistors, transistors, and other electronic components. I have it on good authority that this perception is totally wrong! The IC is in fact, a large communal gathering of microscopic beings from dimension X who can perform advanced calculations really really fast.
IC stands for Integrated Community. To the keen scientific observer, it is a small plastic thingy (SPT) with metal legs sticking out of it that makes really cool avant garde jewelry and has even been seen on found sculptures.
Through its many microscopic inhabitants (MMI), you can operate your computer, your compact disc player, your television, and sometimes your car on this wonderful little device (WLD).
While the IC is useful for many different things, don't carry one in your back pocket. The MMIs don't like to be sat on, and they'll send one spear-bearing microscopic inhabitant (SBMI) to each of the ICs legs to poke you in the butt.
ABOUT LEDS:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the Light Emitting Diode (LED) as a small light emitting device (LED) which, when forward biased with current, emits a great deal of visual radiation. I have it on good authority that this perception is totally wrong! The LED is in fact, a transparent housing for small insects which emit light.
LED stands for Light Emitting Diode. It's a small plastic thingy (SPT) with metal legs sticking out of it. The plastic thingy is generally red, green, yellow or sometimes polka dot. Not really.
An LED actually contains small insects from the backwoods of Eastern Kentucky that are known for giving off different colors of light when sexually aroused. It just so happens that electrical current in an electronic device provides them with artifical stimulation, and therefore, they glow.
ABOUT TRANSISTORS:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the transistor as a semiconductor device with 3 leads that uses a very small amount of current in one lead to control a much larger amount of current through the other two leads. This is not quite the way we see it.
While it may appear on the surface that the transistor is nothing more than some kind of peon gatekeeper that allows large amounts of current through, in reality, the transistor is a political symbol representing the ability of special interest groups to control our government.
Other than that, the Popular Press Society is mostly right.
ABOUT CONSTRUCTION BARRELS:
You see them every day. They're everywhere. They slow you down, make you late for work. Your boss chews you out for being late, when you know very well that it wasn't your fault. But it's worse than that. It's much worse.
Of course, we're talking about -- The Construction Barrel.
Oh, sure, the Popular Press Society (PPS) would have us believe that the Lowly Construction Barrel (lcb) is nothing more than some happy orange and white plastic Cylinder Shaped Thingys (CST) designed to "motivate" you into the other lane, while in fact, it is well known (to us) that construction barrels are escape pods ejected from Intergalactic Starships from our Future (ISF) that crashed in the forests of Northern Russia around the turn of the century. Unfortunately, the impact from the crash sealed the inhabitants inside forever until they decayed so that if you open one up now, you won't find anything inside.
When you accidentally hit a construction barrel, you disturb the essence of the alien being that once inhabited the barrel.
ABOUT CAPACITORS:
There is a growing trend in the Popular Press Society (PPS) to label the capacitor as an electronic device which temporarily stores electrons by using 2 conductors separated by what is known as a dielectric.
This one is true.
