How to Procrastinate
Created | Updated Oct 3, 2012
Procrastination is the ability to avoid doing something that needs to be done. While most people think that they are awfully good at procrastination, they are unaware that they are doing it entirely wrong. A good procrastinator never gets anything done on time, unless it is absolutely vital (i.e. if you have a heart attack, it probbly is not a good idea to procrastinate when it comes to seeking medical attention). If you are getting things done on time, or, heaven forbid, even early, then you are obviously a rather poor procrastinator. Therefore, it is important to know how to procrastinate properly.
Procrastination at Home
In order to be successful at procrastination, you need to start small, with the little everyday things you do in your life. This will lead to habits that will help you procrastinate on the bigger events that you need to procrastinate on.
A simple example is laundry. Its very easy not to do your laundry, especially if you have a lot of clothes. If you do not have a lot of clothing, then you must simply buy a lot of cheap clothes to remedy the problem. Second-hand stores can be treasure-troves of inexpensive clothing. If you forgo laundry and buy second hand clothing when you run out, you will soon have an enormous pile of dirty, yet “classic” clothing items on top of your hamper.
Another easy thing to procrastinate on is auto maintenance. First, if you have a high quality car, we suggest that you sell it and purchase a less expensive car as you won’t lose too much money when you inevitably destroy the vehicle. The ideal vehicle for non-maintenance is the Ford Ka. If you have the experience of actually driving one of these vehicles, you will become so entirely frustrated with it that you will not want to have regular service checks performed. Further, the Ford Ka also gets great gas mileage, so you can procrastinate on getting gas as well.
Procrastination at Work
Like the car, you should have a job you dislike to be able in order to elevate your procrastination level. If you enjoy your work then you must quit to find a less-desirable job as it is much easier to procrastinate if you dread going to work each day.
The first principle of procrastinating at work is a simple one: always appear busy but never really do anything. A messy desk, with post-it notes and paper taped to your computer monitor will greatly aid to this perception. Throw some old computer printouts in a giant pile next to your chair, put a dying plant in the corner, and a radio that flashes 12:00 next to your computer and you will be set. When your boss walks into your cubicle with a query such as “Why isn’t project X completed?” you simply respond with “I have been so busy with projects Y and Z and project X depends on project A and B which so and so is working on. Speaking of which, I have a meeting with him right now, got to run.” Then grab a stack of old computer printouts and a pen off the desk and swiftly move out of your cubicle, leaving your dumbfounded boss standing there thinking how overworked you are. Meanwhile, you are either at the coffee machine discussing sports with your cronies or at the restroom reading Sports Illustrated.
The second principle of procrastination at work is the key phrase “you’re next on the list.” Where your overworked appearance helps you procrastinate when confronted by your boss, this simple phrase will quell your co-workers, especially if you have a support job. For example, if someone asks you “Why isn’t my e-mail working?” you could respond with “Because you broke it, numbskull.” However, if you do this, your co-worker will get upset, file a complaint, and the end result will be you fixing the problem and not procrastinating. However, if you respond with “Oh, your next on the list.” followed by you doing nothing for his problem, then he will smile and walk away, believing that you are a good, hard working fellow who will someday even fix his problem.
Please bear in mind that this is just a phrase. You do not actually need a list of any sort at all to use this phrase.
If you take these small steps at your home and work, you ll soon find yourself procrastinating with ease. You will not even notice bills until your third or fourth overdue notice. You will have new tools in your tool shed as you would procrastinate about giving borrowed tools back to your neighbors. And, perhaps the most comforting result of all, is that everyone will respect you because you are always to busy to get anything done, yet you will be totally relaxed because of your procrastination abilities. Finally, if you ever start to think that procrastination is a terrible thing, remember that it is better than the alternative, which is actually doing work.
