How to dump someone
Created | Updated Sep 12, 2005
Or, a nicer way of saying it, 'breaking up'. Let's face it, it's hard to do. Clearly every situation's got to be different, but what are some general rules of thumb? Assuming you're a reasonably well-intentioned person who wants to end a relationship with someone who you think is really great, someone who means a lot to you, and someone you love... (yes, the same person). Sometimes, even with all that, you're just not happy in a relationship. Now what?
'Personally, I agree with the article1 regarding giving time before trying to become friends again. Another issue is the balance between honesty and compassion. Like the part in the movie "Metroland" (Metro-something, I don't recall. it's British) where the Brit dumps his French girlfriend with complete candor, intending to follow her advice on honesty. He's confused when she starts crying, and she tells him, 'Yes we're honest here, but not *cruel*,' or something like that... So that is to say, be as honest as possible, but try to put yourself in their shoes too. Not everything needs to be said'.
Ways to end the relationship
Or
Ways NOT to...
There are just some things you really don't need to tell a person, for instance if they are terrible in the sack, you secretly fancy their mother, etc. As for the 'right' way to go about dumping someone, well:
By email or text message
The coward's way out.
Face-to-face
This takes a lot of guts, unless you're a total bitch and will enjoy seeing their facial expression when realization dawns that they're being dumped. Remember, if they weren't expecting the bad news, that they will be in shock and may resort to falling on their knees begging for another chance; start crying/shouting or otherwise making a scene; or be ultra-cool and just shrug. The best way to deal with being dumped would be to retort 'I was going to dump you anyway' - smile and walk away. There is nothing more annoying than to show indifference.
Ignore them
Difficult one this, especially if you work together or live together. If you already have a regular routine of seeing each other, it isn't kind to just stand them up. Neither is making a succession of excuses. Pluck up the courage to tell them: if you can't face them, write a letter and deliver it yourself. If you persist in ignoring them, you may end up being stalked, and your friends won't thank you, because the ex-partner will be grilling them for information. Put them out of their misery and move on.
Reasons
If you have been in a long-term relationship, you have some responsibility to your partner to tell them the truth. Try to be fair, and keep off personal attacks. Make sure your reasons are valid, like you have fallen out of love, or you're arguing too much, etc., rather than 'I can't stand your body hair in the plughole'.
If you have already found someone else to take their place, on no account tell them. Even if they ask 'Is there someone else?' then give you the puppy-dog eyes - don't look away and blush guiltily. Stare right back and lie. Have the grace to give your partner time to grieve your split-up, if you can't put your new squeeze on ice then meet them in secret. Preferably at their place, unless of course, your new squeeze is your ex's sibling/best friend/parent or (God forbid) child2
A recent dumpee speaks:
'I think anyone who's going to break up with someone should know that the most important thing he/she can do for the person being dumped is to give a good explanation (including details and thought processes). Because what happens is the "dumpee" is left with a million unanswered questions when it's over, which are much more devastating to live with than the rejection in general. It doesn't spare someone by not telling him/her too much, it causes additional stress and pain'.
Obviously every relationship is different. How you end it depends on your circumstances, whether you are still going to have to have day-to-day contact, e.g. you are co-workers or the dumpee is your boss or your secretary. In those circumstances you are going to have to be very diplomatic.
If you can put space between you, do so. Remember some mutual friends will be sympathetic to your ex, it's unfair to make them take sides. Try to stay friends with all your mutual friends, but don't discuss your ex's faults with his/her best mate, especially if he/she's your new squeeze.
Friends or not
It all depends on whether you want to keep the friendship you originally started off with, before your relationship progressed to romance and partnership. If you don't, then it doesn't matter (to you) how you end it. If you do, then give it some time. Tell them when you break up that you'd like to stay friends, but expect a bad reaction. Some people can't make the transition back from lovers to friends. Especially if there's another party involved. Wait until they have someone else, then try again. You never know.
However, expect the new person in their life to be suspicious of your motives. Most people who stay friends with their exes are keeping them around in case their new relationship doesn't work out. Exes are usually up for a night of casual sex in between relationships, but this is dangerous ground. If the old feelings re-surface you'll have to go back to square one and do the dumping all over again. Do you really want to go through all that?
