Weddings
Created | Updated Oct 20, 2010
At a wedding, two people choose to join together (allegedly forever, though this may be some kind of conspiracy) in the eyes of God, which must be very painful for God, if there is one, as with the thousands of people getting married every day, he must be making regular trips to the Omniscients' Eye Clinic. With the way God is normally portrayed in pictures, (ie: with a seemingly unlimited amount of facial hair), surely it would be more practical to be married in the beard of God, but that's just the way the Christian cookie crumbles. During the opening service the priest may imply that by having their wedding in a church (like that's really unusual) the bride and groom are not only inviting their family and friends, but also inviting Jesus, which can often cause the organiser of the wedding, usually the bride's mother, to panic, as after agonising for months about what might go wrong at the wedding, they realise that if Jesus is coming they're not going to have set enough places at the reception. This is an irrational worry for although the priest claims that Jesus has been invited, He very rarely turns up. The last wedding He did turn up to is now put down to the fact that someone spiked the punch at the reception.
Parents of young children or babies recieve a special invitation for the kids, which states 'Please cry during the vows and have tantrums whenever the vicar speaks.' Another part of the wedding involves the picking of 'bridesmaids' and/or 'pageboys', which is long believed to be a medieval kind of ritual humiliation which has somehow survived in this supposedly civilised, er, civilisation. At a wedding, people often cry, being, as it is, an emotional moment (unless of course you don't know anything about anyone involved in the wedding, as about 50% of the people at the ceremony probably don't). This, any aliens reading may correctly deduce, makes no sense whatsoever. People cry at weddings, they cry at funerals, and they even cry when a child is born (well, the women anyway). Besides, children are seriously discriminated against at weddings, and other such ceremonies. At
weddings and funerals, adults and older children can cry and weep as much as they like, but if babies and children start to cry they're rushed out of the church as fast as their parents can take them. This will lead to the younger generation becoming emotionally crippled and afraid to cry, and they will never grieve for their lost loved ones, and eventually they will become so depressed that they will commit suicide. The population of Earth will rapidly decrease, and eventually Earth will become an, er, Third World Planet, and we
will all die. But I digress, though I'm no Victor Lewis-Smith.
After the wedding, there is a reception, which is a chance for the adults to get pissed, the children to get bored, and the bride and groom to check that they actually like each other. At the reception you will meet some family members that you never knew you had, and whom you will soon wish you never did have. After the reception is finished, the bride and groom go to the bedroom. If either the bride or groom have any severe physical or mental problems, now is the time to declare them. What they do after that is none of your bloody business, you nosy git.
Parents of young children or babies recieve a special invitation for the kids, which states 'Please cry during the vows and have tantrums whenever the vicar speaks.' Another part of the wedding involves the picking of 'bridesmaids' and/or 'pageboys', which is long believed to be a medieval kind of ritual humiliation which has somehow survived in this supposedly civilised, er, civilisation. At a wedding, people often cry, being, as it is, an emotional moment (unless of course you don't know anything about anyone involved in the wedding, as about 50% of the people at the ceremony probably don't). This, any aliens reading may correctly deduce, makes no sense whatsoever. People cry at weddings, they cry at funerals, and they even cry when a child is born (well, the women anyway). Besides, children are seriously discriminated against at weddings, and other such ceremonies. At
weddings and funerals, adults and older children can cry and weep as much as they like, but if babies and children start to cry they're rushed out of the church as fast as their parents can take them. This will lead to the younger generation becoming emotionally crippled and afraid to cry, and they will never grieve for their lost loved ones, and eventually they will become so depressed that they will commit suicide. The population of Earth will rapidly decrease, and eventually Earth will become an, er, Third World Planet, and we
will all die. But I digress, though I'm no Victor Lewis-Smith.
After the wedding, there is a reception, which is a chance for the adults to get pissed, the children to get bored, and the bride and groom to check that they actually like each other. At the reception you will meet some family members that you never knew you had, and whom you will soon wish you never did have. After the reception is finished, the bride and groom go to the bedroom. If either the bride or groom have any severe physical or mental problems, now is the time to declare them. What they do after that is none of your bloody business, you nosy git.
