Deep Thought: How NOT to Tell a Story
Created | Updated 3 Days Ago
Deep Thought: How NOT to Tell a Story
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Youtube and the podcast universe don't mean to, but they're ruining public speaking. It's not the fault of access: the easy availability of recording equipment is a good thing. I'm also convinced that it's good for people to have inquiring minds and share their research discoveries.
It's the fault of SEO and algorithms. I'll show you.
The other day I stumbled upon a 6-minute video that I will now proceed to summarise. The title went something like this:
Finally the SECRET Can Be Told About this AMAZING TRICK Alfred Hitchcock Used! You Will Be Soooo Surprised!!!!!
There might have been a few more exclamation points. I forget. Anyway, the thumbnail under this AMAZING HEADLINE showed Cary Grant in a famous scene from the movie North by Northwest. That was not why I clicked on the video and subjected myself to the ensuing inanity.
Full disclosure: I am not a big Hitchcock fan. I find most of his movies fatuous and, frankly, boring. Yes, his black-and-white work has nicely composed visuals, sometimes – but so do other people's. And there is a much greater likelihood that somebody else's film will actually have a point to it. (And fewer blondes-in-distress.)
The worst Hitchcock film? Elektra and I think it was Strangers on a Train. That film seems to have been longer than The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The second-worst was The Birds, which was at least funny. Tell me you know nothing about wildlife without telling me. Anyway, the only things I remember about North by Northwest are that, for some unknown reason, Cary Grant is menaced by light aircraft and musses up his suit, and, for some even more obscure reason, they all end up climbing around Mount Rushmore.
As it turns out, the Mount Rushmore thing is all you have to know about to appreciate this cineaste's delight of a 'behind-the-scenes' video. So here goes.
Hello, classic movie fans, Joe Moviewatcher here. Today we're going to be taking a look at North by Northwest, one of Alfred Hitchcock's best films and arguably one of the greatest films of all time. . .
. . . in the most obnoxiously nasal voice possible. With a downward intonation that Marvin the Paranoid Android might have envied. The narrator goes on for a bit about how great the film is, mentions a couple of actors' names to prove that he's really an expert, and reiterates a few more times how absolutely nobody has ever known this amazing trick Hitchcock used until now. But before going on to astound you, the narrator stops to remind you to hit that 'like' button and to subscribe to this channel for even more exciting, amazing, and thrilling videos. Just like this one. Now back to the story.
I have a really cool story to tell you, one that I myself participated in – it was really an honour to be part of bringing you this fascinating piece of cinema history, but that comes later. First, I don't want to spoil the movie for you, but I do want to tell you a little bit about it before I connect the history and tell you about this fascinating filming secret which is going to blow. Your. Mind . . .
There follows, predictably, a précis of the plot, such as it is, of North by Northwest. Look, there are some spies, see? And a train. And Cary Grant. And a blonde – who seems nice, but who are we kidding? It's a Hitchcock movie. A blonde was mean to him once, I suspect, and he's been getting even ever since. He's the reason Jamie Lee Curtis's mom wouldn't take showers.
On with the story. Dare we hope?
. . . Mount Rushmore. Now, you may think at this point that this Mount Rushmore is a place that you're going to just zip across the United States to film. Well, not exactly, I mean. . .
We aren't even two minutes into this video and already I'm exhausted. Is he going to get to the point?
. . . Alfred Hitchcock was a very smart man. . .
Groan.
. . . I'm not going to go into all the history and complexity of filming in South Dakota. . .
Thank the cinema gods for that.
Speaking over a slide show of stills of the film, the narrator proceeds to point out (by means of large arrows for the slower audience members) where the carvings on Mount Rushmore1 are to be seen in the background.
But wait! How did they film this scene? Did Hitchcock just happen to go to a restaurant that out-looks [sic] this beautiful Mount Rushmore scene?
And well one might ask, I suppose – because of course the answer is, 'No, he sent the film crew, and then somebody painted a backdrop. And made models. Well, duh.'
It's not live. It's photoshop. Only photoshop is so totally cool in the days before computers that a denizen of the digital age is hardly able to comprehend how the Ancients managed to make their films.
It must have been aliens.
It takes him a few more minutes to truly appreciate the combination of backdrop and scenes filmed on a soundstage (what artistry!) before he moves on to his pièce de résistance, an actual photo of the narrator pointing excitedly to the backdrop itself, which is a whopping 36 feet high, and marvelling at the unbelievable realism of this incredible painting, which is now in a museum and can be visited, was visited, by the narrator, wow. The video, which now rivals Strangers on a Train for its ability to hold time in suspension and age the viewer by centuries, creeps oh-so-slowly upon its triumphant finish. . .
. . . which is, of course, the solemn reading-aloud of the names, now scrolling before us on the screen, of all the 'Tubers's Patreon patrons. Which you can be, too. (There are probably extras on the Patreon page. Maybe – dare we think it? – outtakes.)
I will not link to this. I will not name this person. His true name is Legion. And he means well. He found out a cool thing. A TIL, as we say. (Today I Learned, do keep up.) He wanted to share it. But if he doesn't play the algorithm game, nobody will see his video.
The algorithm rules are:
- Promise something exciting in your subject line. Or ask a provocative question, such as 'Will THIS New Discovery Destroy the World as We Know IT?'
- DO NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION until at least the second half of the video. Ideally, do not answer it at all. Keep 'em guessing.
- Waffle as much as possible. Remember to beg for 'likes' and plug your Patreon page. If you can get a sponsor, work them and their products into the middle of your video. Say things like, 'Are you worried you could be scammed? You need my sponsor's subscription service. Use my hashtag for 20% off the membership fee.'
- Use as many exclamation points as possible before your typing finger gets tired. It is not possible to oversell a factoid in this context. Whatever you've found out, no matter how blindingly obvious, is worth hyping to get the clicks.
And that, children, is why everybody's switching to Shorts. (Okay, that and mobiles.) Watching 'regular' Youtube is now akin to sitting through Oral Book Report Day in my 9th-grade English class. Come to think of it, I wonder if my old classmate Chuck does Youtubes? His book report on a scifi novel was so long and so bad that Mr Sutton actually writhed in agony. . .
