Chapter 41: Phony Issues

Eddy gave Caoilinn a slightly jealous look when she confided that Wolfgang had given her his direct phone number, but admitted that under the circumstances, it was helpful to have it.

Staying true to her Gen Z roots, she called the number on loudspeaker.

The call was directly forwarded to Wolfgang's voicemail message.

'This is the voicemail of Wolfgang Lassison. For sales representatives: Bark once and give up. For dating purposes: Bark twice and cute. For minor SHC business: Bark thrice. For Urgent SHC business: Howl as if your life depends on it (if it doesn't, don't bother trying). BEEEEP!

Anyone still asleep in the neighbourhood would have definitely been woken up by the following combined supertonic howl chord.

'Yes?' said Wolfgang after the noise had died down.

'So it wasn't the voicemail after all? We have loads of questions and we hope you could help us getting the answers,' Ava said in the general direction of the phone, as she started explaining what had happened since their last meeting, where Ava had vanished into the grail head first, up to the present with the Ark and the stone tablet.

The phone kept silent for a few moments before Wolfgang answered with some hesitation. 'I vaguely remember parts of my SHC briefing when I was still a pup. Apparently AEthelred was acting for the greater good of the known world when he tried bribing the Danes. Those were sent by the MWHC, but he managed to have them communicate back that their task was done, so I suppose the protected status is still active. This was not fully appreciated or even understood by his subjects at the time, who gave him the moniker 'The Unready or ill-advised'. It probably cancelled out, because the name AEthelred literally means 'well advised'. With regard to your great-to-the-power-forty-ish-grandmother, I am not sure about the relation between this Elisa and the spirit Elyizaahhrg. You could ask her, but be prepared to pay a hefty fee. I'll give you the number.' With that the handywolf hung up the phone.

Caoilinn directly continued to punch in the number Wolfgang had provided, muttering, 'We'll charge that to the treasury, if there is any treasure left. Otherwise I might need to abandon the Second one and revert to using a Third Lord of the Treasury.'

Barely halfway the first tone, it was picked up with, 'Hi there, gang! What took you so long? The answer is yes.'

'What? How? Why? We didn't even ask the question,' was all Ava could utter.

'Despite that, the answer is still yes.'

'The ancestor one?'

'Double yes.'

'Okay. So would you mind explaining things in some more detail?'

'Another yes.'

'How about right now? And don't you dare answering that one with another variety of yes.'

'What gave you the idea I would do something like that? All right, I'll give you your story. Please sit back, it might take a while. You might want to connect that phone to a charger.'

After some frantic digging through the remains of the kitchen, Eddy managed to produce a relatively undamaged USB charger and frayed but serviceable cable with the correct connectors. The whole extended family moved closer to the nearest wall outlet to listen to what the spirit ancestor had to say.

'In the beginning, someone said: "Let there be light!" For some reason this request was granted'

'Okay, maybe not that much detail.' Ava sighed. 'Just the relevant bits that involve you and your relation to us.'

'Well, my parents moved to England in what is now called the golden age of Karaism, because they couldn't stand the strict adherence to Torah only of those guys. In hindsight this was a lucky choice, because Crusades were about to be invented, making Jerusalem the place to avoid if you could. I was just minding my own goat herding business on the Salisbury plains, when someone tried to make me think some burning shrub was talking to me, demanding that I would go to the standing stones and receive further instructions. The fact that his beard caught fire rather spoiled the illusion. After dousing the beard I decided to give it a go anyway, because there is only so much intelligent conversation you can get out of a herd of goats, and the grass at the stones probably needed eating anyway. That is where I met the S.W.A.N. who was the representative of the SHC at the time, and something red with horns and smoking nostrils that said it was Governor Cergothiian and represented the MWHC. I think you have read the minutes of that meeting. Afterwards I led my herd all the way up to join the court of King AEthelred and the rest is history...'

'So how did you become a spirit?'

'That must have been the brandy King AEthelred had in large quantities. The process involves some sort of dissolving, but I am a bit hazy on the details. Probably the booze...'

Caiman Raptor Elk

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