Writing Right with Dmitri: Deck the Halls
Created | Updated Dec 10, 2017
Writing Right with Dmitri: Deck the Halls
It's that time of year again: people want to talk holidays, and you, as a writer, don't.
Don't get us wrong. You like the holidays. You've been busy with your gift list all year. You're practicing Christmas music like mad, Leslie on full blast. You're simply full of cheer. But what, you ask yourself, is left to say about the annual red-and-green funfest?
- Christmas is too commercial.
- Christmas is too hectic.
- Christmas should really be about peace and light, not buying useless tschotchkes.
- Those Christmas movies suck bigly.
You've run out of holiday anecdotes. If one more person says something about 'the true meaning of…', you'll scream. But your local website wants something holiday-y. What to do?
How about doing what we all do best: steal an idea from the Weird News? Take one of these absolutely true new items as inspiration, and write a parody piece, opinion essay (possibly tongue-in-cheek), poem, short-short story, or what-have you?
- 'Santa Claus Gets the Boot from Britain's National Trust Because He's Too American': besides, apparently, 'Santa' isn't upper-class enough for the National Trust. If you can't make something out of that, you should hand in your credentials as a satirist.
- The 'Christmas Cone Weed' in North Carolina: Fireman decorated the weed, which was growing unhindered out of a traffic cone, with tinsel and such. Move the story around, and you might have a parable of our times.
- 'Turkeys thriving, causing ruckus in San Francisco suburbs': These weren’t eaten for Thanksgiving. But they cause messes and attack automobile mirrors in the City by the Bay. What could you do with this urban wilderness story?
- 'Santa's in town? You need an appointment this year': In New York City's Macy's Department Store, they're booking appointments for Santa. Your choice: parody or rant.
- 'Stores: Stop Torturing Your Employees With Christmas Music': A US psychologist has determined that shop employees are less productive if they have to spend all their energy trying not to hear that awful Christmas muzak. So stop it, already. But think of the possibilities for stories. . .
- 'Greggs 'sorry' for replacing Jesus with sausage roll in Christmas advert': How terribly British. Share your opinion – or think of more things to add to the Nativity Scene. I always liked Mr Bean's Dalek.
- 'Sheep are able to recognise celebrity faces, study shows': somehow, you knew this was a British study. Cambridge University says sheep can recognise celebrity faces. And what's more Nativity Scene-oriented than sheep? Make up an alternate Manger-Scene scenario, and bob's-yer-uncle.
- 'Scooby the camel returned to Ohio owners after getting loose': Another manger scene perennial, the noble camel. What if Scooby, who lives in Ohio with his human friend Nabil Shaheen, went walkabout and joined the park crêche? Or ran into a Wise Man? You could have fun with this.
These weird news titbits are good for a lot. For one thing, I didn't have to write a column this week. For another, somebody might take one of these ideas and run with it – in which case, you know where my inbox is located. If you stumble across any more weird holiday news, please remember to share.
In the meantime, I think I'll go and lie down. I've got this song about the Star of Bethlehem stuck in my head, and I'm beginning to feel a strong empathy with the store-counter clerks. . .
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