And I will give power unto my two witnesses, and they shall prophesy a thousand two hundred and threescore days, clothed in sackcloth. . . And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their mouth, and devoureth their enemies. . .

Revelation 11: 3, 5, Authorised Version

I've just found these people by accident. And, well, I couldn't resist. They're so h2g2-worthy. And somehow, so very English. Dear friends, I give you the Muggletonians.

Muggletonianism

Muggletonianism has been described as 'disorganised religion', and 'intellectual anti-intellectualism'. The original Muggletonians, John Reeve and Ludowick Muggleton, who looked like this, were somewhat eccentric, even by Puritan standards.

• They thought they were the 'two witnesses' of the Book of Revelation (see above).
• They went around putting curses on people – especially Quakers. They claimed to be successful at this.
• They said Heaven was six miles above the earth. They also said it was empty when Jesus was on earth (they weren't Trinitarians), and Elijah and Moses had to house-sit.
• They said a lot of other things that were unusual, too numerous to mention. They were weirder than a Youtubeful of Flat Earthers.
• The 'two prophets' were jailed for six months in the 1650s on a charge of blasphemy. No word on why anybody let them out.

Muggletonians hung around well into the 20th Century. Remarkable, really, considering they didn't believe in evangelism. (There are some mercies.) Their London meeting place was destroyed in the Blitz.

Is There a Hymnal?

All the above, children, can be found online. Many internet pundits will have Opinions on these Muggletonians. They will invoke Harry Potter. (Do not do this to me, you know what I think about that stuff. . . ) But these people are lazy. They will not have found the Muggletonian hymnbook.

I have found the Muggletonian hymnbook.

It's called Divine Songs of the Muggletonians. It was published in 1829. You're gonna love it.

Prepare to sing and be unedified.

Muggletonian Hymns

John Reeve is God's prophet, I clearly do see

And Ludowick Muggleton too;

God chose them that they might his mysteries
declare

To all those whom he doth love true;

Tbey are God's last prophets, and God they've
made known.

And blessed is he that's possest him;

For when to the truth he hath set to his seal

He then is assured God's blest him,

God's blest him,

God's blest him.

For when to the truth be hath set to his seal

He then is assured God's blest him.

Tune: The King, God Bless Him

You cannot beat that with a stick.

Great Muggleton and Reeve

True prophets I believe

Great God's last choice.

His mind to make known

To the elect alone

Therefore I'll him adore

Israel's great God.

Tune: God Save the King

We sense a pattern here.

Do Muggletonians Matter?

Well, it depends on who you talk to, I guess. But there's a rumour that they influenced William Blake, which wouldn't surprise me one little bit. And then there's that Harry Potter business. . .

Oh, heck. One more Muggletonian hymn.

On the ocean of peace I contentedly ride

Now Reeve is my pilot, and Muggleton my guide,

Their coast I will follow, with heart and with voice,

Till my voyage is complete, that my soul may rejoice.

True faith is my ship,

Peace and love rules the helm,

This union so sure

Keeps my soul secure,

With brave Reeve and Muggleton's only true God.

Tune: Hearts of Oak (but you guessed that).

There must be a moral in this story somewhere. But right now, I'm too busy laughing to find it.