The ancient Greeks were very inventive. They built beautiful temples and put stunning costumes on their gods. Where else did the gods have an annual fashion show? Modern Greeks are slightly more aesthetically challenged, having discovered lurex.

The gods got beautiful hymns to go with their costumes. Today, let us consider Hermes, the tricky messenger god. There's a super Hymn to Hermes that tells his story. Don’t want to wade through the Greek? I don't blame you. Try this snarky English translation. It's amusing: 'I do not poo poo it', indeed.

According to this hymn, Hermes found two major uses for the turtle. As a watch-turtle, the living creature guarded against witchcraft. Apparently, you can't pull off a good spell with a turtle in the vicinity. The shell of a deceased turtle, though, had another use: Hermes used it to construct a lyre. Aha, that's where the music comes in.

You think all that text is too much to read? I don't blame you at all. Try this hilarious short video of the whole story. Basically: the hymn describes what Hermes got up to on the day he was born. Warning: this will give parents nightmares. That was one hyperactive rug rat.

This might be our first encounter with the funny hymn. It will not be our last, if the muses have anything to say about it.

Brek-Kek-Kek

Aristophanes (pronounced 'uh-riss-to-FAHN-eess') was the John Oliver of his day. Politicians feared his wit. He doesn't do too badly these days, either: periodically, Lysistrata, an antiwar feminist satire, gets revived to complain about current events. Not bad for a play written in 411 BCE.

The Frogs, a more recent work from 405 BCE, has shown up on Broadway. The 2004 version starred Nathan Lane (who else?) and was composed by Stephen Sondheim (who else, indeed?). Yeah, I'll give you a link in a minute. But first, you must picture this: Sondheim composed this thing in 1974, and it was premiered at Yale University. When you listen to the Hymn to Dionysos, you must imagine that first performance: in the Yale gymnasium's swimming pool (where else?), with aquatic frogs provided by the Yale swim team (who else?).

We're sure Dionysos was pleased.

Another Song About Cows

Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice didn't have a swimming pool. But they did have snark, and they brought it to bear on the Joseph story from Genesis. There's even a song about cows. Note that everyone in ancient Egypt is wearing blue suede shoes. They're in Memphis, get it? That Hermes has a lot to answer for, turning the guitar loose on the world.