People keep saying dorky things about the ancient Egyptians, such as 'they were obsessed with death.' Phooey. What they were obsessed with was getting it right the next time. They were heavily into Afterlife Planning. They fully expected their pan-dimensional retirement portfolios to pay off.

Ancient Egyptians were very musical. How do we know this? Wall paintings show lots of instruments. We know that temples had choirs – paid choirs, mind you. And we know that religious musicians got paid more than party musicians, in startling contrast to our current state of affairs.

We know they sang lots of hymns to the Egyptian gods. There are hymns to Osiris, and Thoth, and Horus, and gods you've never even heard of. There's one called 'Here Begin the Praises and Glorifyings of Coming Out from and of Going into the Glorious Khert-Neter, Which Is in the Beautiful Amentet, of Coming Forth By Day in All the Forms of Existence Which It May Please the Deceased to Take, Of Playing at Draughts, of Sitting in the Seh Hall, and of Appearing as a Living Soul'. We might call that the Borat hymn. Notice they're so hymn-happy they'll even sing about playing checkers in the Afterlife.

You know what we don't know? What it sounded like. We don't have a note to go on. That won't stop people from making it up. Making It Up is a favourite pastime of Egyptologists, anyway.

Clang, Clang, Clang Goes the Sistrum

A local college professor I know plays the tambourine. She's quite good at it, and can even read notation. I'm not sure if she knows that when she plays it in church, she's following an ancient liturgical tradition that goes all the way to Egypt. The Egyptians had the sistrum. It was a U-shaped instrument that you held up and shook. Sort of a giant rattle. The U-shape was sacred to the cow goddess, Hathor. It was supposed to resemble her face. Cows were important, and as every farmer knows, they're pretty.

The sistrum is still used in church in Ethiopian Orthodox worship. Nothing good ever goes away completely. Here's some Ethiopian church music. This music is hauntingly beautiful. Could it be what ancient Egyptians sounded like when they worshipped the cow goddess or the pussycat goddess? We know not.

Ah, the pussycat goddess. No internet discussion of hymnody would be complete without a musical tribute to Bastet. This improvised lyre piece falls under the category of Making It Up (see above). It's inspiring, though: I may have to dig out my pentatonic lyre and write Buzzardina a song.

Sound Forth the Timbrels

A related noisemaking instrument, suitable for the exuberant (though often musically challenged) worshipper, is the timbrel. Which led directly to the phenomenon of tambourines in church. During the Exodus (from Egypt, still on topic), we are told, Moses' sister Miriam played the timbrel. This was obviously the beginning of another church tradition, the one in which the song director's sister/cousin/niece always has to sing the solo because she has Pull. Anyway, just to bring us back to the Present (albeit, perhaps, in a parallel universe to the one you're inhabiting), let us end this discussion of Egyptians and their contribution to hymnody by referring to our friends at the Salvation Army. Not only do they keep all the rousing hymns going – the one in the link is that old Temperance favourite, Dare to Be a Daniel   – but they bring a truly martial fervour to all they do. Keep a straight face watching that timbrel drill, I double-dog dare you.

Who says this topic ain't got rhythm? I assert that Dare to Be a Daniel has a beat, and you can dance to it. Just not in a Baptist church.