Words, words, words. That's what we're made of. Herewith some of my thoughts on what we're doing with them.

Want to make a permanent mark on the literary landscape? Write a great novel. You'll be remembered long after you're gone.

Want to become rich and famous? Forget the great novel. Find something that will set the Twitter world ablaze and get you on all the talk shows.

We suggest the following sure-fire projects for your next bestselling book:

1. Write a biography of someone who is a) controversial and b) still alive. If possible, get lots of scandalous quotes in which the controversial famous person insults everybody in sight. They'll be beating down the shop doors to buy a copy. Don't believe us? Check out this advance review of the Roger Ailes biography. Roger Ailes is a media mogul. Only he could have called a sitting US Vice President 'as dumb as an ashtray'. That's money in the bank, my friends.
2. Write a biography of a famous, controversial figure who is dead, but who has left unanswered questions. (Don't they all?) In this case, it's best if all the participants in the events you discuss have gone on to their reward. That way, if the truth is boring, you can spice it up a little. You can use the word 'alleged' a lot, and get away with suggesting almost anything. 'It is almost certainly not true, as Mrs Gladys Perkins from down the block asserted, that the world-famous anthropologist kept a tribe of cannibals in his cellar, but his dealings with the local pork-pie industry have yet to be satisfactorily explained. . . ' The mind reels.
3. Find an ancient, dead, possibly boring, but undeniably famous historical figure. Read their memoirs (or claim to have done so). Compile a list of at least 15 anodyne opinions expressed by this individual – for instance, 'always take time to smell the roses'. Use these quotes to attribute the person's success as a manager/leader/pioneer/evil dictator to their adherence to these principles you have 'discovered' by 'careful study'. Suggest that reading this book will make the purchaser even richer/more famous/more universally feared than Croesus/Marilyn/Adolf.
4. Undertake an utterly useless project. The more useless, the better – collecting those souvenir spoons, for example – but with a twist. You must turn the search for those spoons into an odyssey. Not only must you travel to every major city in Europe and each individual US state to buy the spoons, but you must chronicle every conversation you have about every purchase, every story behind the symbols on the every spoon, every interview with each spoon's designer, etc, as well as your philosophical musings on each spoon. The reader will find it all very zen. It is helpful in this endeavour to take along a colourful companion whose adventures or insights can add to the charm of your journey. If you can't talk anyone into it, buy a dog and compel him to come along and be cute.
5. Write annoying letters to well-known companies. Publish the results. Not only will you gain a reputation as a great wit, but the businesses will have done half your writing for you. You don't believe this works, you say? Oh, ye of little faith! You've obviously never read Letters from a Nut by Ted L Nancy. The great thing about it is that you can always write a sequel. See Mr Nancy's More Letters from a Nut.

There are other possibilities – collecting 'winning recipes', writing useless life advice, touting exercise regimens you made up while watching television, selling 12-step programmes for eliminating imaginary problems. We would advise against these, however, for two reasons:

1. Making up recipes and writing instructions for sit-ups looks too much like work to us.
2. Somebody might actually try them. Lawsuits eat up profits.

We think these five suggestions should set you up on your next moneymaker. Please write and let us know how you're doing.

Enclose a 5% commission as consultancy fee, please.

Writing Right with Dmitri Archive

Dmitri Gheorgheni

01.04.13 Front Page

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