This unhelpful pamphlet was originally written by the Maximegalon Institute for Advanced Thought and, even though it was never officially published, has become the last word in illustrating the issues that face new graduates in this uncertain and competitive universe.

Congratulations Being! You are now a graduate of MIAT and, as such, there are some things you need to know.

1. You now have a degree in [insert name of obscure discipline here].
2. You have also, thanks to our quantum accounting methods, amassed a large debt.
3. You are currently unemployed.
4. Your degree now makes you highly eligible for a career in the food service and subway guitar playing industries.
5. Competition is fierce, but don’t forget, you have a degree, just like the other 2,500 people who were on the course with you.
6. Employers require real world experience. You have none.
7. No. Bar work doesn’t count.
8. The band you are currently playing megabass for doesn’t count either.
9. You owe the government money, therefore it is in their best interests to have you employed as soon as possible.
10. Due to recent government cuts the career guidance and job locating services provided by the government now only exist as an automated answering machine service.
11. If you have a degree in a practical science, such as engineering or psychiatry you are more likely to find work than those beings who studied any other course we offer.
12. If you don’t mind living in a space suit we understand that there are some remote asteroids that do not have a DingoRibs franchise on them. Yet.
13. If you find all this news depressing, have you considered our Masters Degree programme? Our rates are almost reasonable.
14. Thanks to recent government cuts to the budgets of this institution we have recently been informed that we are no longer allowed to use the word “reasonable” in our literature. Ever.
15. Our on site pharmacy provides free anti-depressants to all new graduates. There is, however, a small charge to enter the pharmacy.
16. Your room in MIAT will be allocated to another student within 24 hours. Please remove all your belongings before we fumigate / irradiate / bio-cleanse. DO NOT FALL ASLEEP.
17. Applications for bankruptcy at this stage will be taken in the humorous vein in which they were undoubtedly made.
18. Good luck!

Sincerely,

Professor Yeptic Ramno-Phoon, Dean.

The Maximegalon Institute for Advanced Thought.

Ursa Minor Beta.

Note: There were additional points involving the alleviation of debt through organ donation, the machines required to bring this about and the enthusiasm with which those machines would go about their business. These comments were removed because they were tasteless, bloody and far too tempting for the impoverished students to resist.

Entry Ends.

The Lost Transmissions Archive

Tim Stevenson

12.12.11 Front Page

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