The Tinfoil Turkey
Created | Updated Nov 20, 2011
I searched the recesses of h2g2 and found this gem from the Alternative Writing Workshop. No, I didn't pick it only because it contained the sacred word 'tinfoil' in the title. (Quiet in the back.) Leave comments, maybe the writer will return from elvisation and know how much we enjoyed this story. – DG
Little Billy Esther was excited and disappointed at the same time. He did not get to go out to dinner very often and wished that he could, but all the same he could not stop himself from feeling angry that they were doing it on Thanksgiving, of all days. However, he decided to make the most of things and tried to enjoy himself. (Although he did order the most expensive turkey-based dishes possible, his subconscious deciding that at least he could do some damage to his parents' wallet. Hey, nobody ever said your subconscious had to be mature, too.)
The music in the restaurant began to soothe Billy, and he began to fantasize about the main course, turkey stuffed with lobster. That must be very unpleasant for the turkey, he thought to himself. Must be pretty awkward for the lobster too, he added. The more he thought about it though, the more he began to look forward to it.
Unfortunately, Little Billy did not know about Mr. Paul, the renegade dishwasher. Not a mechanical dishwasher, but a living (or animate, anyway) dishwasher. Every year, Mr. Paul took a job at a popular restaurant as a dishwasher. Nobody knew how he got the job so consistently, and he was not going to say. But I digress. The sole ambition of Mr. Paul in life was not to ruin Thanksgiving, but to make it better for everybody who could not afford a thanksgiving dinner. What he did was subtle but effective: first, he put a little too much food on the plates so people had to order doggy bags; second, he folded a sheet of tinfoil into the shape of a turkey that was supposed to hold the leftovers; third, instead of placing leftovers in the tinfoil turkey he placed a hearty Thanksgiving pudding that mysteriously disappeared after it was in your mouth for more than three seconds; fourth, he distributed the leftovers among the needy and homeless.
He was celebrated by the less fortunate and generally looked upon as a necessary cross to bear by the rich. But Little Billy was too little to understand all this immediately and when he discovered that his delicious turkey and lobster dish leftovers had been replaced by a pudding that you could not, in fact, eat, he began to scowl.
"Curse you, oh malevolent spirits of Thanksgiving! Why have you taken my delicious leftovers?" Billy implored.
"It was I who took your leftovers, Little Billy, and watch your words. I am no malevolent spirit; I spread joy to hundreds with my good deeds, and for that they are thankful," answered Mr. Paul. Little Billy realized his mistake with a speed that was almost supernatural, and spoke no more.
"Yes, you see your mistake now. But it is too late! Your misguided anger has had its effect! From this day forward, the Tinfoil Turkey shall terrorize Thanksgiving celebrations, and generally be very unpleasant!" boomed Mr. Paul.
"Oh no!" cried Little Billy. "What have I done?"
Right then, the tinfoil turkey in Billy's hands leapt up and began to fly crazily around the room, knocking over furniture and destroying many antiques with humorous crashes, before it flew through the closed window and into the night.
And from that day forward, the Tinfoil Turkey would tear through people's rooms after Thanksgiving dinner like a strange armoured beast. It lives on to this day, and if you are not careful and mindful of how very lucky you are, you little ingrate, then the Tinfoil Turkey may come after YOU.
