Introduction

Microsoft have a series of curious interview questions to select from potential candidates, which test the way in which people think about certain problems. One of the questions is: "If you had to get rid of two of the States of America, which two would you jettison?"

Of course most states have large numbers of proud inhabitants, and there is much to be recommended in that pride, particularly since pride in the place where you live can be an incentive to looking after it. None of this talk of jettison is to be taken particularly seriously.

That out of the way, a potential good choice is Rhode Island. This is because it turns out¹ that very few people, including most Americans, realise that Rhode Island is a state at all, but believe it to be an island (to be fair, most of it is). If it were suddenly to disappear, therefore, most of the USA would barely notice -- except the Rhode Islanders themselves, the good people of Massachusetts and Connecticut, and poultry breeders³.

Another, potentially better, choice is Ohio. This is because Ohio is frankly embarrassing⁴, for the following reason.

The Cuyahoga River

Ohio is home to a river called the Cuyahoga. It runs into Lake Erie. It is in all respects but one an unremarkable river such as you might find anywhere in the central US.

However, there is one remarkable thing about it. It has caught on fire on three occasions.

The first occasion was in 1936, when a spark from a blowtorch ignited floating debris and oil on the river's surface. The second was in 1952, and was the most damaging of the fires. The third was in 1969, and was the first to gain national attention.

The second two incidents were, incidentally, photographed.

The 1969 incident caught the imagination of a newly environmentally-conscious nation and was widely vilified. Never again would such an absurdity be allowed to exist in America. Only much more socially-acceptable forms of environmental despoliation⁵ would be allowed thereafter.

Since this time Ohio has been nicknamed⁶ "The Burning River State". That is what is so embarrassing.

Now, in all fairness to Ohio, they have since done an excellent job of cleaning up the river, mostly as an attempt to shuck the nickname which cruel fate has dealt them. But unfortunately, mud sticks, as do oil and wood chippings doused in tar.

The really important point here is that a river, made of water, has at some point in history actually caught on fire. If that doesn't make your mind boggle then go back and read it again, or alternatively read this.

The perversity of this seems to suggest that something must have gone very, very wrong somewhere along the line.

Of course, the river in question is no longer particularly flammable, or even particularly toxic, but the human race still excels at spilling, say, tonnes of cyanides⁷ into one of the most beautiful rivers in Europe, which even has its own waltz named after it.

The conclusion of all this? That we shouldn't wait until the rivers catch on fire (again). Now is the time to think about saving the planet, before we've ruined it and it's four times the work.