Bertie and the Beast: We don't belong to Glasgae , Chapter 10 Part 3

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A green and scary monster

Once again we are beholden to the current executors of the Knolly estate for letting us publish this, the second package of the great man's journals and memoirs.

We don't belong to Glasgae

Chapter 10 Part 3

Bertie and I had not seen the young Hilary (Mungo to his friends) Ladybouy since we had waved him off on the shore at Simons Town in late '95, when we had trusted him with a mission of the utmost urgency – to deliver a letter by hand to the then Elspeth Devries, who in the course of time would become my dearest, darling wife1.

Back then, he had been a mere Lieutenant and the local Naval Intelligence officer for the whole of the Cape; he was a young fellow in awe of my adventures and slightly unsure of himself. I had watched and followed his career with some interest and tried to make things happen for him by pulling a few strings here and there. However, after a few years it became very tiresome, and many more interesting and diverse subjects had come to the fore in my life – for instance, the little matter of marriage and numerous other events that concerned the safety of the country, Europe, the Empire and latterly the World.

Hobbes had explained this change of direction to me, and had named the phenomenon "Hummingbird Syndrome." He described it as being rather common among gentlemen adventurers, young pastors, fiery radicals and the like inasmuch as they flit from subject to subject, gathering information "nectar" as they go, but never actually finding something to settle down with until it was too late. I had "pooh-poohed" this to his face, but all the while inwardly thinking that the old cove had a valid point. Thus, I strove to focus more, and to pooh-pooh less.

"Captain, eh?!!?" exclaimed Bertie as he clapped the young officer about the shoulders.

"Well, well! Congratulations! But I see no ship. Ha ha! Indeed, I see only steam engines".

Ladybouy rolled his eyes but remained polite in his response.

"It's good to see you, too, Mr Harrison-Harrison after all these years."

"No, please ... you must call me Bertie. And I must say, it is wonderfully convenient. You know, finding Navy personnel up here .... on the outskirts of Glasgow and in command of a pair of steam engines... when... we... just... have... such... a... need...."

Bertie's sentence petered out. He looked to me and then to Ladybouy and then back again, the light dawning suddenly on his visage. He then blurted out:

"You! You are in charge of those experimental submarines, aren't you?"

Bertie looked back to me before poor Ladybouy had a chance to get an answer in.

"Did you know it was him?" asked Bertie, as he pointed a finger accusingly, though he was not quite sure who to point at, and so used both hands, thereby resembling a better-dressed scarecrow.

I shook my head.

"Bertie, no, I did not, and it was only when I spied one of the chaps outside the sheds that it even crossed my mind what we had come across."

"Excuse me for asking, Commander, but what exactly brings you two up here? I'm sure I'd have heard something about the pair of you coming to visit? Last I heard you were in the Americas."

Bertie pointed out that that was simply ages ago, but I hushed him and suggested that we find somewhere quiet to continue the matters at hand, away from any prying ear. Ladybouy waved to his men, leading over to one side of the engine shed and into what passed for an office.

The ratings and others, seeing all was well, went back to their jobs, leaving us to converse.

"So, Commander .... as you are asking for some privacy, can I assume that this is a secret mission?"

"You can indeed. And more to the point, it is not one sanctioned by the Service."

"I'm sorry, so if not sanctioned by the Service, who exactly are you working for?"

"The less you know the better, I'm afraid. Suffice to say that it does have some backing, and that is all you need to know. However, it is most fortunate that we have found you and your engines."

"You have need of a locomotive engine?" asked Ladybouy.

"As it happens, yes, we do."

"... but not submarines though," mumbled Bertie.

I smiled at this and proceeded to give Ladybouy as much information as I could without too many details. Bertie kept interjecting, and I'm not sure how his shins survived the under table onslaught from my boots.

Ladybouy was as sharp as a tack and knew when not to ask the wrong questions, but one could almost see the cogs whirring as his eyes visibly lit up at the mention of some of the key points on our journey thus far – "The Train", our current mode of vehicular transport, the subterfuge that we had used to get this far North, and the fact that I knew of the existence of the regular route run between Loch Ness and Barrow-in-Furness.

"It seems then, gentlemen, the first thing to do is to get "The Train" off the main line, and then later this evening we will take you on the rest of your journey northwards to meet up with ...."

"Sir John Murray," Bertie almost shouted. Finally! It seemed that he had got the hang of the tale I was spinning!

"Yes, indeed. Sir John Murray, the, err...."



"

Geologist," I added.

As he spoke, Ladybouy gave me a look that was far too worldly for his youth.

"Indeed. And when I have completed my tasks, I want a spin in that fancy wheeled machine of yours, eh?"

"Capital idea!"

"... and then perhaps I'll show you around Glasgow?"

"Yes, we'd enjoy that, wouldn't we, Bertie?"

Bertie pulled what I have termed his astounded face and just nodded, not wanting to suffer any more tibia traumatisation.

And so it was that Bertie and I found ourselves on the footplate of yet another Royal Navy locomotive, steaming along in reverse to where we had left "The Train".

It had taken longer than expected; moving my automobile had not been as simple as driving from A to B, especially once the cover fell of the Maxim. It suddenly became the centre of attention, with Ladybouy and his men all clamouring to look at two mechanical marvels suddenly in their midst. What was the phrase Elspeth had conjured up? Oh yes ... "Boys and their toys" .... most amusing and very astute.

Bertie took me to one side, out of hearing of Ladybouy, who was busying himself at the levers and valves.

He said something to me, but the noise of the engine, the whooshing of steam and the roar of the fire filled the air. I blinked a message that I hoped would convey that I had not the faintest idea of what he had just said and that he might wish to attempt to communicate again.

My message was: "WHAT??"

"YOU NO MENTION E AND C!" he replied. I took this to mean ""Why didn't you mention Elspeth and Charlie?"

"YOU THINK I SHOULD?"

Bertie gave me a wide-eyed look and was about to respond, when he lost his footing and staggered into me as the brakes were suddenly applied.



"Commander!" yelled Ladybouy, "I don't wish to alarm you, but there seems to be someone waving a flag at us on the track up ahead!"

Bertie and I hung out of the cab to look beyond the coal tender. There was indeed "someone", and that "someone" was Charlotte. She was still wearing my oilskin jacket and it certainly was not a flag that she was waving, although it was red.

"NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME" blinked Bertie, and he pointed.

Charlotte was running towards us in a very unladylike manner, which was being closely scrutinised by Ladybouy and his fireman. The engine had slowed to a walking pace, and without further ado, I jumped down to intercept her. Who knew what infractions a woman on the footplate would cause, especially one under Royal Navy command?

Charlotte slowed to a walking pace as she recognised me. I strained to look further down the line and saw Elspeth climbing down from the roof, the light reflecting from the lenses of the field glasses. I caught Charlotte by the hand (thankfully it was a hand and not one of her gloves) and pocketed the fetching pair of scarlet bloomers which had doubled as a warning flag. I then quickly signalled to her as best I could that she should say nothing for the moment.

Ladybouy leaned out as the engine chuffed alongside us.

"Ah, Commander. This is obviously a passenger you forgot to mention. So do please tell me .... do you have any further surprises for me?"

If he had raised his eyebrows any further they would have disappeared beneath his cap.

Bertie coughed behind him and blinked "SHALL I KNOCK HIM OUT?"

I felt Charlotte tense besides me (she was learning fast!) and I shook my head.

"Let's couple up "The Train", and then I'll introduce you over a pot of tea."

The fireman glanced over at the pair of us holding hands, muttered something, spat into the fire, did a little shuffling dance and crossed himself a few times.

Charlotte shook as she giggled quietly to herself, and who could blame her, when such superstitious clap-trap was still abroad in this new century ? Fingers crossed, it would soon peter out.

With Charlotte in tow, I hastened back down the track leaving Bertie, Ladybouy and the fireman to do the necessary manoeuvres to get the two pieces of rolling stock conjoined.

"You were quicker than expected, my dear," said Elspeth as the pair of us scrambled aboard the carriage.

"Hmm, yes. Did you think it wise sending Charlotte, though?"

"Of course ! You seem to forget my condition! And she is much faster than me in boots."

That made good sense. I nodded and gave her a peck on the cheek and remembered something.

"Oh, I think these are yours," I said as I delved into my jacket pocket and handed her the underwear.

She smiled. "You recognised them, then?"

"There did seem something rather familiar about them .... especially when I saw them being waved above the head," I answered with a grin.

"Well, we didn't have a flag, and we didn't know it was you coming down the line at speed."

I congratulated her on the ingenuity of the action, but I thought better of asking what she thought might have happened if it had been another party coming along the line. For instance, had it been a train full of monks on the line instead of us, then the sight of scarlet bloomers being brandished might perhaps have caused a little fuss.

"Well now," I said, "we are about to have guests and I need to get some of our paperwork squirrelled away from prying eyes."

"Guests?"

I looked up to see panic begin to rise in her eyes as she looked around the carriage, its meagre fixtures and furnishings, and the fact there was no maid to be on hand. I took hold of her.

"It will be fine. A pot of tea is all we need while we get certain things straightened out ... and after all, you've met Ladybouy before, even though it's been a few years. Then once we've got "The Train" off the main line we can take a tour around Glasgow itself. Young Mungo has offered to show us around, but he doesn't know that you're here ... yet."

Her eyes had been quite wide before, but now they grew even more so and I noticed she had begun to tremble slightly.

"Ladybouy? ... Lieutenant Ladybouy?" she whispered huskily.

"Yes! Quite a surprise, eh? But he's a captain now ... "

"Surprise? Yes indeed, it is. Oh ... oh .dear...."

Elspeth went limp in my arms as she swooned, her scarlet knickers fluttering from her hand.

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