ARGHball: A National Pastime
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
ARGHball is derived from two popular (yet wussy) sports: tennis and golf. The game is played in the outfield of a baseball or softball field. The goal is to hit a tennis ball with any object of your choice over the opposing player's fence. Each point is called a "stachenblakken". Games are generally played up to three stachenblakkens, unless special adjustments are made.
ARGHball started not long ago, in the summer of 2001, when two bored teenagers set out to play tennis at Bicentennial Park in Valparaiso, Indiana. Their notion wasn't a well-developed one; the two tennis courts were taken and they really had no clue how to play the sport anyway. So they went out to the only area in the park open, the softball field, and started hitting the ball around with their rackets. They started grunting obnoxiously, like so many in the game of tennis had before. After a while, the two thought pensively about their shots, and took ridiculous quantities of time, while they heckled each other. After bad shots, they would throw their rackets feriously, but quickly recover them, for they were too cheap to ruin their $10 rackets.
All of the sudden, one of the players accidentally lobbed the ball over the right field foul fence. Both competitors realized a miracle just happened. All that could come out of the first scorer's mouth was "STACHENBLAKKEN!" He then proceded to hump the foul pole. This act has become a tradition after scoring, and is a further testament to the unspeakable beauty of this game. Because of this impossibility to describe such a game, the creators (Ryan Cunningham and Erik Pederson) hopelessly named it ARGHball.
This game has grown rapidly throughout Valparaiso, and is played in many different versions. Because there are very few stone-set rules, the game has constantly mutated. Players play in teams of as many as four. Golf clubs, baseball bats, hockey sticks, and, of course, tennis rackets are widely used as mediums for hitting the ball. In some games, tackling is allowed. The sport is played year-round, but most prefer the warmth of summer. There is talk of a league being developed for the first time ever. Currently, ARGHball is not an olympic sport, mostly because of no rigid rule implications. The top ranked players in the world as of January 1, 2002 are 1) Ryan Cunningham and 2) Erik Pederson.
Said to be the biggest promoter of the sport (and himself), Ryan Cunningham used to be a modest intramural sports participant. Tired of the overvalue of sports, Cunningham seeked refuge in a less dictated sport. He found tennis, a sport that the morbidly obese could compete in. He enjoyed the easy competition with heavyweights, but there was something missing. In ARGHball, Cunningham found that missing link: the right to express yourself in competitive action. Some may think he takes his "expression" to the limit, but Cunningham argues there are no limits in ARGHball, "only inexpressive morons."
Cunningham is most famous for saying, "In ARGHball, players do not follow rules. Players do what the little voices in their heads tell them to do."
NOt quite as active in team sports, Erik Pederson was a cross country and track and field runner. Also an artist, Pederson created such award-winning masterpieces as "FUBAR", and "No, Really, I Have Stigmata". This creative genius was inspiring, but little was offered to feed this gift in the world of sports. When he co-created ARGHball, Pederson didn't realize it, but he had created his most prized work of art. Considered the most popular competitor of the game, Erik has commented that, "Once one game takes you over, all other games are petty. Even "Worms: Armageddon".
ARGHball, is not just a sport, or a game. It's winners are not glorified. In ARGHball, everyone is a loser. The mass of men lead lives of desperation, and ARGHball is a plea for something contrary. Every player is a loser, but every player is just as much a hero.
We play, because we're really, really bored.
Creation of ARGHball
ARGHball started not long ago, in the summer of 2001, when two bored teenagers set out to play tennis at Bicentennial Park in Valparaiso, Indiana. Their notion wasn't a well-developed one; the two tennis courts were taken and they really had no clue how to play the sport anyway. So they went out to the only area in the park open, the softball field, and started hitting the ball around with their rackets. They started grunting obnoxiously, like so many in the game of tennis had before. After a while, the two thought pensively about their shots, and took ridiculous quantities of time, while they heckled each other. After bad shots, they would throw their rackets feriously, but quickly recover them, for they were too cheap to ruin their $10 rackets.
All of the sudden, one of the players accidentally lobbed the ball over the right field foul fence. Both competitors realized a miracle just happened. All that could come out of the first scorer's mouth was "STACHENBLAKKEN!" He then proceded to hump the foul pole. This act has become a tradition after scoring, and is a further testament to the unspeakable beauty of this game. Because of this impossibility to describe such a game, the creators (Ryan Cunningham and Erik Pederson) hopelessly named it ARGHball.
ARGHball Today
This game has grown rapidly throughout Valparaiso, and is played in many different versions. Because there are very few stone-set rules, the game has constantly mutated. Players play in teams of as many as four. Golf clubs, baseball bats, hockey sticks, and, of course, tennis rackets are widely used as mediums for hitting the ball. In some games, tackling is allowed. The sport is played year-round, but most prefer the warmth of summer. There is talk of a league being developed for the first time ever. Currently, ARGHball is not an olympic sport, mostly because of no rigid rule implications. The top ranked players in the world as of January 1, 2002 are 1) Ryan Cunningham and 2) Erik Pederson.
Ryan Cunningham
Said to be the biggest promoter of the sport (and himself), Ryan Cunningham used to be a modest intramural sports participant. Tired of the overvalue of sports, Cunningham seeked refuge in a less dictated sport. He found tennis, a sport that the morbidly obese could compete in. He enjoyed the easy competition with heavyweights, but there was something missing. In ARGHball, Cunningham found that missing link: the right to express yourself in competitive action. Some may think he takes his "expression" to the limit, but Cunningham argues there are no limits in ARGHball, "only inexpressive morons."
Cunningham is most famous for saying, "In ARGHball, players do not follow rules. Players do what the little voices in their heads tell them to do."
Erik Pederson
NOt quite as active in team sports, Erik Pederson was a cross country and track and field runner. Also an artist, Pederson created such award-winning masterpieces as "FUBAR", and "No, Really, I Have Stigmata". This creative genius was inspiring, but little was offered to feed this gift in the world of sports. When he co-created ARGHball, Pederson didn't realize it, but he had created his most prized work of art. Considered the most popular competitor of the game, Erik has commented that, "Once one game takes you over, all other games are petty. Even "Worms: Armageddon".
Why You Should Play ARGHball
ARGHball, is not just a sport, or a game. It's winners are not glorified. In ARGHball, everyone is a loser. The mass of men lead lives of desperation, and ARGHball is a plea for something contrary. Every player is a loser, but every player is just as much a hero.
We play, because we're really, really bored.
