h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Asking them if they're not selling anything is okay, but then they'll just say, "Oh no sir" and go on to explain that they would merely like to send you some descriptive literature, or enter you into a competition to win a holiday for 2 to the Maldives, oh, and we'll send you a colour brochure detailing our products at the same time.

"Oh no, we're not selling anything, we just wanted to make you aware of a special opportunity..."

That's where I start in my own questionaire, with a script provided by an organization known as "Junkbusters". You can find their web page in an obvious place.

Depending on how fast your wits work, you can turn each and every telemarketing call into an adventure.

Comments I have received favourable responses to in the past include:

"I'm sorry, I am unable to answer your query at the moment. I am completely filled with fruit and cheese."

(to the question "Do you have bedroom furniture?"):
"Hang on...I'll go and look". (and from some distance from the phone)
"Oh my god! It's gone!" (sounds of panicked thudding, followed by)
"Well thank God you called! How did you know?"

Give an emotionally inappropriate response to questions. Sounding panicked because you aren't aware of a product, grief stricken or passionate (think "When Harry Met Sally") about their questions will get them to either end the call or will at least give the telemarketer in question a surreal twist to their day.

Alternatively, try selling something of your own. That's always fun.

If it does turn out to be a marketing call, one good suggestion I read somewhere is to say "Hold on a second", then rest the phone handset on the table and go on about your business. If you were having lunch, for instance, just eat noisily next to the phone, or if you were housekeeping then vacuum the room. Check back every ten minutes or so to see if they've hung up yet.

I saw someone somewhere, saying that one possible answer is:
"What survey company do you work for? Oh really? So do I, and as you know, it's company policy not to survey the company employees, so I'm afraid that you can't do this questionaire on me. Pity, isn't it? Oh well. What branch do you work for?......"
And then just start small talking about nothing for a while before hanging up.

Try
"I'm busy right now, but if you give me your home phone number I'll call you back. What's that? - you don't give out your home phone number? - is that maybe because you don't like being called by strangers at your home?"

Or if it's someone trying to arrange a time to come to your home - you know the type - "We have a sales rep in your area at the moment and were wondering..." Try "Yes, come round. In fact if you wait till after 7 the wife will be at her dance class and we'll have the place to ourselves" see how quickly they hang up.