Rejected Lovers
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Although not an expert myself on the subject (ahem), I have far too many friends who have experienced the above affliction and not gone about it the right way. These actions have only resulted in a furthering of the above condition. This then, is the definitive practice for all of my friends and others of how to be the rejected lover - That's right James, Dave, Jim B, Leo and even the charismatic Buckton, your prayers have been answered.
Step 1: Avoid all compliments and attempts at flattery. She has already said no, and unless she is completely shallow and materialistic (you may stand up now Lauren) she is not going to be swayed by anything else. Firstly, presents are a bad move. £40 worth of earrings won't encourage her to realise that you're the one, it will only serve to add guilt to the fact that she's already turned you down and persuade her to talk to you even less. Secondly, while flattery can be a useful aid it is not best employed in the position of the rejected lover. If your chosen one is indeed as gorgeous as you think she will undoubtedly be receiving these compliments from far more eligible men - if she is instead simply the best you can find then she will see straight through you immediately.
Step 2: Do not write/phone/txt/e-mail her consistently, or indeed invite her over to your house every 5 minutes, especially if she's got a busy schedule due to all her hockey matches etc. Obsessiveness is not a quality one looks for in a partner. Neither however should you do something drastic like move to China so to avoid her - your aloofness will only alert her to the fact that the rejection has hurt you so badly and she will feel even more superior to you than she does now. Instead a cautious approach is necessary - talk to her as naturally as possible to give the impression that you are over her entirely, but don't invite her to any parties you may/may not hold. This will let her know you have a social life outside of her and will hopefully twang the string of jealousy that every girl has, regardless of what they say/do (see Kim Thomas for further details).
Step 3: Now it is time to rectify the situation. She has rejected you for a reason, and something must be done about it. Although standing up for yourself and reasoning that you are who you are and nothing can change that is all well and good on the moral side, it doesn't actually work in practice. No one should be so ignorant as to be proud of their faults, so you must (a) discover the real reason for her rejection and then (b) where possible, change it. The best ways to achieve this are through your friends; very simply, ask them to have a quiet word with her and acitane the truth about why she said no. However, the crucial criteria of this step is that the friends, without question, must be female. The reasons for this are three-fold. Firstly, girls are much better at keeping your secret, and you can be sure that they will tell you and only you. Blokes on the other hand will wait until you take your loved one to the train station and then proceed to shout all of your faults to everyone in the room and anyone else who's bothered, causing you huge embaressment over the coming days. Secondly, the object of your desires is far more likely to confide in a female than any of your beer-swigging mates with dubious B.O.; the only reason she would tell a male friend anything of use is if she is trying to get into his pants instead. Finally, girls are simply more tactful when breaking the news to you that you have bad breath/B.O./dress sense/hair/looks/taste in conversation. Now analyse the problem. Is it changeable? If it is, e.g. you have a rather strange sense of dress, then if you're really serious about getting with her it is time to change. Chuck out that black polo neck jumper you have been wearing for the last 4 months and get some decent clothes! If on the other hand it is something that is unchangeable, like your personality or the fact that she is still in love with your good-looking best mate, then it is time to resort to petty spitefullness.
Step 4: Getting back at her. Now, step back from the situation and take a good honest look at her. Is she (a) a bombshell who no one would say no to (b) average and nice but not someone most other people would pay much attention to or (c) so ugly she makes sasha the fat bird look like last year's winner of Miss World. If the answer is (a), you may as well give up now. She will never be hurt by you because, in all honesty, she probably doesn't really know who you are. If it is (b) or (c) however, then there is still some work to be done. This step can be broken down into three (fairly desirable) phases.
Phase 1: Go to as many gatherings and parties as she does. Get as drunk as possible (told you it was desirable). Find the first half-decent girl you can that shows an interest in you. Grope her through the rest of the night, preferably in front of the woman that rejected you. Find her the next day. Describe in explicit detail what you did with the other person, and try and get your mates to go along with it with a few shouts of 'well played mate'and 'you've done well there mate'.If the aforementioned person falls into category (b) or (c), you will literally be able to see the steam coming out of her. Regardless of how she feels towards you, she is a woman and will therefore be fuming that you talk about someone else in this way. This greatly improves your chance for phase 2.
Phase 2: Go to as many gatherings and parties as she does. Get as drunk as possible. Get her as drunk as possible (vodka is good for this, as is bacardi). Proceed to 'do' her in your garden/shed/sisters bedroom. This is what one would call 'sampling the goods'. You get a good idea of what you would be getting if it did work out for you in the end, and this will undoubtedly affect your feelings towards her. If she's crap, she will be much easier to get over. If she goes like a couple of strings on a porcupines wedding bed then this should encourage you even more; if she's done it once she might do it again. You are now in a perfect position; if she has now realised her true feelings towards you and agrees to carry it on after tonight, then, my friend, your work is done. If on the other hand she is uncomfortable with the situation, the it is time to swing phase 3 into operation.
Phase 3: Arguably the hardest part of the guide so far, phase 3 may involve some unpleasent experiences or some very happy suprises. Basically, phase 3 plays on every girl's worst nightmare; that a man has forsaken her for one of her worst enemies. As I have said before, it doesn't matter how little a woman cares for you, if you used to fancy her and now you think that someone else is better, then she will feel jealousy and hatred (this also applies to some more feminine blokes, who have to make sure some girls fancy them but never want to go out with them; you know who you are). She will now be wrought with regret and jealousy. This will result in either of 2 things - either she'll become interested in you and due to your experiences in phase 2 you will go for it straight away, or the new girl will be so hard and fast that you won't want to let her go! Either way, you win mate.
So there you have it. The prime example of a rejected lover is my friend Tom Buckton. 6 months ago he had just been rejected by Kim Thomas, adn now look at him. He's managed to grope Kim, got a better shag and Kim herself is totally obssessed with him. Congrats mate! :-)
Step 1: Avoid all compliments and attempts at flattery. She has already said no, and unless she is completely shallow and materialistic (you may stand up now Lauren) she is not going to be swayed by anything else. Firstly, presents are a bad move. £40 worth of earrings won't encourage her to realise that you're the one, it will only serve to add guilt to the fact that she's already turned you down and persuade her to talk to you even less. Secondly, while flattery can be a useful aid it is not best employed in the position of the rejected lover. If your chosen one is indeed as gorgeous as you think she will undoubtedly be receiving these compliments from far more eligible men - if she is instead simply the best you can find then she will see straight through you immediately.
Step 2: Do not write/phone/txt/e-mail her consistently, or indeed invite her over to your house every 5 minutes, especially if she's got a busy schedule due to all her hockey matches etc. Obsessiveness is not a quality one looks for in a partner. Neither however should you do something drastic like move to China so to avoid her - your aloofness will only alert her to the fact that the rejection has hurt you so badly and she will feel even more superior to you than she does now. Instead a cautious approach is necessary - talk to her as naturally as possible to give the impression that you are over her entirely, but don't invite her to any parties you may/may not hold. This will let her know you have a social life outside of her and will hopefully twang the string of jealousy that every girl has, regardless of what they say/do (see Kim Thomas for further details).
Step 3: Now it is time to rectify the situation. She has rejected you for a reason, and something must be done about it. Although standing up for yourself and reasoning that you are who you are and nothing can change that is all well and good on the moral side, it doesn't actually work in practice. No one should be so ignorant as to be proud of their faults, so you must (a) discover the real reason for her rejection and then (b) where possible, change it. The best ways to achieve this are through your friends; very simply, ask them to have a quiet word with her and acitane the truth about why she said no. However, the crucial criteria of this step is that the friends, without question, must be female. The reasons for this are three-fold. Firstly, girls are much better at keeping your secret, and you can be sure that they will tell you and only you. Blokes on the other hand will wait until you take your loved one to the train station and then proceed to shout all of your faults to everyone in the room and anyone else who's bothered, causing you huge embaressment over the coming days. Secondly, the object of your desires is far more likely to confide in a female than any of your beer-swigging mates with dubious B.O.; the only reason she would tell a male friend anything of use is if she is trying to get into his pants instead. Finally, girls are simply more tactful when breaking the news to you that you have bad breath/B.O./dress sense/hair/looks/taste in conversation. Now analyse the problem. Is it changeable? If it is, e.g. you have a rather strange sense of dress, then if you're really serious about getting with her it is time to change. Chuck out that black polo neck jumper you have been wearing for the last 4 months and get some decent clothes! If on the other hand it is something that is unchangeable, like your personality or the fact that she is still in love with your good-looking best mate, then it is time to resort to petty spitefullness.
Step 4: Getting back at her. Now, step back from the situation and take a good honest look at her. Is she (a) a bombshell who no one would say no to (b) average and nice but not someone most other people would pay much attention to or (c) so ugly she makes sasha the fat bird look like last year's winner of Miss World. If the answer is (a), you may as well give up now. She will never be hurt by you because, in all honesty, she probably doesn't really know who you are. If it is (b) or (c) however, then there is still some work to be done. This step can be broken down into three (fairly desirable) phases.
Phase 1: Go to as many gatherings and parties as she does. Get as drunk as possible (told you it was desirable). Find the first half-decent girl you can that shows an interest in you. Grope her through the rest of the night, preferably in front of the woman that rejected you. Find her the next day. Describe in explicit detail what you did with the other person, and try and get your mates to go along with it with a few shouts of 'well played mate'and 'you've done well there mate'.If the aforementioned person falls into category (b) or (c), you will literally be able to see the steam coming out of her. Regardless of how she feels towards you, she is a woman and will therefore be fuming that you talk about someone else in this way. This greatly improves your chance for phase 2.
Phase 2: Go to as many gatherings and parties as she does. Get as drunk as possible. Get her as drunk as possible (vodka is good for this, as is bacardi). Proceed to 'do' her in your garden/shed/sisters bedroom. This is what one would call 'sampling the goods'. You get a good idea of what you would be getting if it did work out for you in the end, and this will undoubtedly affect your feelings towards her. If she's crap, she will be much easier to get over. If she goes like a couple of strings on a porcupines wedding bed then this should encourage you even more; if she's done it once she might do it again. You are now in a perfect position; if she has now realised her true feelings towards you and agrees to carry it on after tonight, then, my friend, your work is done. If on the other hand she is uncomfortable with the situation, the it is time to swing phase 3 into operation.
Phase 3: Arguably the hardest part of the guide so far, phase 3 may involve some unpleasent experiences or some very happy suprises. Basically, phase 3 plays on every girl's worst nightmare; that a man has forsaken her for one of her worst enemies. As I have said before, it doesn't matter how little a woman cares for you, if you used to fancy her and now you think that someone else is better, then she will feel jealousy and hatred (this also applies to some more feminine blokes, who have to make sure some girls fancy them but never want to go out with them; you know who you are). She will now be wrought with regret and jealousy. This will result in either of 2 things - either she'll become interested in you and due to your experiences in phase 2 you will go for it straight away, or the new girl will be so hard and fast that you won't want to let her go! Either way, you win mate.
So there you have it. The prime example of a rejected lover is my friend Tom Buckton. 6 months ago he had just been rejected by Kim Thomas, adn now look at him. He's managed to grope Kim, got a better shag and Kim herself is totally obssessed with him. Congrats mate! :-)
