h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Spelling needs some work i.e. pizzicato, canon, Pachelbel, (probably)Niccolo, Menuhin, Vaughan and Tchai not ia (although arguing about the spelling of his name is a seriously complex business).

Saties' Gymnopedie: your footnote notwithstanding, pieces written for and almost always played on piano seem a bit incongruous in an article on classical violin. Fantasia on a Theme doesn't exactly spring to my mind as a seminal piece of violin composition. Getting into a debate about what should or should not appear on 'the list' is potentially never-ending, but it seems to me that most if not all of the works should be 'classics' of the violin repertoire. On that or any other basis, it is hard to understand Bach's omission. And maybe a place for Vivaldi. And a violin listing without Haydn, Mozart or Beethoven? Perhaps the answer is to expand your recommendations to say ten pieces (or perhaps none at all).

You say that 'any list of excellent violinists will include etc'. That is your opinion, but Vanessa Mae in your top five??!! You say that Paganini was 'arguably the best violinist to bow a violin'. He died in 1840, so perhaps you should either drop the footnote or elaborate on your 'arguable' conclusion. One final thought - perhaps you could consider 'matching' your selection of music with your list of violinists i.e. Spivakosky and Beethoven's violin concerto (no, I know the Beethoven concerto wasn't one of your choices, but it should have been!! And Tossy was renowned for his playing of it).

Walter.

Walter, as you know, I am not one to look for excuses but, in light of the less than bountiful bouquets of joy thrown at the writing and subbing of this yarn, I thought I would come out of the closet and disclose my taste in music.

My daughter visited over the weekend and, as ususual, she dominated the stereo's remote. Waking up on Monday feeling unwell, I soon worked out the problem.

Loony, you're so sick of Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Shania Twain, All Saints, the Spice Girls, Mandy Moore, Aqua, S Club 7, Hole and any group with non-blokes in it that you could ram their pretty teeth down their gobs", was the diagnoses.

"Then why aren't you listening to Radio Hauraki", a brain cell whispered.

Hauraki is so manly that it virtually guarantees, for your listening pleasure, a complete absence of singing in the bats-and-dolphins range (with honourable exceptions for the falsettos fellas of Guns'n'Roses and maybe the odd Bee Gee).

Women who don't do "classic rock that rocks" are almost never heard here. I was tuned in for many stage-slamming, drum-thumping, guitar-whomping hours before I heard a gal who could rock hard enough to get on the playlist. She was Melissa Etheridge, lesbian and proud of it. Said DJ Robert Taylor to a woman called Sarah, who requested one of her songs, "Are you that way inclined? Can I watch?"

Great to know that Hauraki is sticking to those good old macho virtues that were the norm when it was a barrier-breaking pirate-radio-station in its 60s heyday, broadcasting from the good ship Tiri in the middle of Auckland's Hauraki Gulf. But guys, since you thrash so much Queen, does that mean you are all gay? No? Just like the music? I thought so.

Into this world of George Thorogood, Led Zep, Bowie, Santana, Pink Floyd, Tom Petty, Nirvana and anyone who can tell a Strat from a bunch of carnations, I bravely re-entered. Afternoon DJ "Thrasher" was discussing the best way to avoid a hangover. Drink cold tea (if you're really dumb, your brain might think it's whisky!) and dish-washing liquid. Bang your head against a wall also featured highly.

This is the station where they give away power boats, kegs of beer and "workshop shouts", where the personal ads mostly consist of guys selling Holdens [Chevrolets] and giving away bull mastiffs, and there are competitions to grow, dye, shave or fake the best "weird beard" to win a chance to meet ZZ Top.

Testosterone is a vital ingredient in the Hauraki listener's makeup, although some women who wouldn't be caught dead listening to "classical" music featuring violins clearly listen to "the station with both barrels cocked", where two songs by the same artist are called a "double shot". But I don't think that Sarah will phone in again.

Gooday Loonytunes (formerly A Modest Prince but now a Kiwi from Napier),

Cobber, as far as classical music is concerned, I wouldn't know a quaver from a quiver, but I know what I like. If you can whistle Beethoven's Seventh at backward point enough times so that even the nineteen year old wicket keeper can hum along to it, you qualify as an enthusiast. If you can tap out Mozart's Fortieth with a ballpoint on your desk so that even the woman in the next office cries out "That G minor key makes my neck break out in goosebumps," then you rate as a lover of classical music. I do not, however, profess to be an aficionado (looks as if it should be two effs).

I like classic rock too, whatever that means. It means whatever I want to define it as, and the stuff broadcast by Radio Hauraki sounds pretty close to classic rock to me, although space perhaps precluded you from mentioning Deep Purple, Status Quo and Cream. As for the stuff your daughter was listening to last weekend, I haven't heard of any of them, except the Spice Girls, and them mainly through David Beckham, although I know a Mandy Moore but I don't expect she was playing on Enzed wireless.

But what really took my attention, Loony, was that your stereo has a remote control!! Next thing you'll be telling me that you have a multi-cd player and no record turntable. And that you have bookshelf speakers. Take care, cobber,

Walter.

Walter, can you check out a revised sub-edit I have done on the violin article. I have read all the comments in the various attached forums and incorporated a lot of it.

I will take on board any comments you make and send the updated version back to h2g2 later this afternoon. Hopefully they will replace the old with the new overnight.

The new version lives temporally at http://www.h2g2.com/A451243

Loony

My ten-year-old stacked (five-deck) Pioneer stereo is the entertainment control centre of my open-plan dining/lounge area. The computer and a 29", newish, TV are both connected to the stereo. Two excellent speakers are attached to the walls midway through this area.

In this way I can I get stereo sound from the computer and true all-enveloping surround sound from the TV. Perfect for when a few mates come over to watch the mighty All Blacks.

On top of the sadly under-used turntable sits a small portable CD player. The computer is plugged into the stereos CD outlet.

The stereo's remote sits beside the TV's remote which sits beside the Sky TV remote which sits beside the cellphone which often sits beside a bottle of Hienekin.

Gooday again Loony,

Look I've had my go and it's time to move on, but Tchaikovsky is still spelled wrong (first time appearing), and 'The Pachelbel Canon' by J Pachelbel sounds daft: the piece is Canon and Gigue in D Major (or more often just Canon), so either Canon - Johann Pachelbel or Pachelbel's Canon. One more aspect: some of the listed composers are given initials, some are not. For a wide readership, maybe give forenames too? And talking of a wide readership, footnote 2: H F Biber is not exactly a household name, so it is useful to add some points of information, but I imagine that telling us that he wrote a book on scordatura is going to be singularly unenlightening. Explain scordatura.

Loony, my real reason for returning was that you didn't get back to me on why you have a REMOTE ON YOUR STEREO ETC ETC ETC. Or is your silence to be taken as answer enough? Take care, Napier's modest son.

Walter

Simulpost?

Yep.

Point of clarification. My computer work station is set up near the middle of the lounge/dining area - beside the table with the remotes on. Using the stereo remote I can choose what I want to listen to. TV, video, radio, music tapes, LPs and downloaded music can all be played through the stereo speakers.

In this area I also have a large heater that has been fitted into an existing open fireplace. It runs on piped gas (LPG). Electronic, it features a clock. I can programme the heater to turn itself on and off - a nice warm house when you get out of bed in winter. Alas it did not come with a remote.

Loony,

Okay, but what about Status Quo, Deep Purple and Cream?

walter.

Legends. If a band has a Pommie accent and was popular in the 60s and 70s you will hear them on my stereo. The Pogues (Irish) also feature highly on my play list.

Gooday Loonytunes,

Nice nostalgia, and your hi-fi and heater set-up sounds beaut. In between all of that, and the confusion with simulposts, did you discover my last comments on the article?

Walter.

Walter, the violin yarn was corrected and updated overnight.

Here is a prequel to my yarn about the stereo remote (posted above).

My 24-year-old daughter and four-year-old grandson spent last weekend with me. She, as always, controlled the remote to the stereo.

Sisters are doing it for themselves. Like, hello? That's so five minutes ago. Don't even go there. In other words, 91ZM, like, brings you the all-girlfriend, zero testosterone, major-hair-and-makeup-give-away, chicky babe CD-spinning Lipstick Lunch. Your hostesses: Lana Coc-Kroft and Nicki Sunderland (otherwise known as "Knickers"). Bit of a scary one for the big radio bosses. How will the road gangs and building site boys who have ZM on all day cope with all this Clinique and clothing promotion stuff, you can imagine them asking. It's all so girly.

Yes, it is, and what a nice change it makes to hear two radio personalities sharing the workload, instead of a guy treating a woman as some sort of occasional interjector for him to bounce off when nobody calls up. Get these two gabbing gals on the radio and woe betide any bloke who tries to shut them up.

Lana and Nicki just have such a good time. They are funny, articulate and have great voices for radio (but very similar: I couldn't always tell who was who). You can imagine them going out and telling people they have such a cooollll job - playing music, being silly, saying things like, "I look like a slut when I wear red lipstick" and generally commenting on the least crucial - but most fascinating - things in the known universe. On this Monday: call up and tell us the best piece of leather you ever owned and what you used it for. A deluge of thong-wearers, boob-tube owners, narrow-tie fans and Roman sandal people phoned in. They were not, needless to say, just women. Reuben the thong guy said he wore his "for style, not for comfort". I don't think he was talking about his favourite jandals. (flip-flops) A lucky listener got an enormous pile of makeup just for naming a song played in the last hour and the bafflingly buoyant Artist Formerly Known as Ginger got promoted to the skies.

The station is running a "lunch in London with Geri Halliwell" competition and the weird thing is, people actually want to do this. "Her life, her hair, her new image. She's just the best," gushed Lana (or was it Nicki?) A soundbite from the tiny little singer/UN "goodwill ambassador": "Don't take life too seriously". Like, hello? Excuse me? Isn't this the same Geri Halliwell who spent the first Year After Spice telling anyone who would listen that she went to hell and back and wanted to die after dropping out of a band? Geri, your 15 minutes are up. Please leave the stage, like.

Loony, now back in control - of the remote.

Loony,

You have been keeping the four year-old grandson under wraps!! You fortunate modest prince. I must get around to sending you my daughter's address so that your daughter can have a quiet word with her about dynastic succession and so forth - it sounds like they listen to the same sort of music, too. Talking of which, have you caught up with Katsy on the h2g2 airwaves, she would have to be the most fanatical rock fan I have ever encountered, for a group called Skandal. Take care,

Walter.

Katsy is a well-known h2g2 tearaway. I believe she is about 14 years old. I wrote a yarn about waterguns http://www.h2g2.com/A225532 In the forum, over a period of six months, she mangaed to ambush and kill everybody who visited

Her brother, Shim, used to be one of the h2g2 tech guys. I think his sister's numerous online h2g2 exploits helped encourage him to look for greener employment pastures.

Interview with a member of the target audience for "Toy Story 2".

What happens to toys? Out there in the landfills and tips or lying forgotten and ruined under houses long abandoned, lie the remnants of childhood. Objects that you once treasured now compressed, buried, and lost. But still there - somewhere - in the real world. Non-biodegradable, archaeological relies of childhood from our own personal stone ages. We grow up, move on, put away childish things and all that ... then along comes a film like Toy Story, and a few months ago its sequel Toy Story 2, to remind us of that lost world of favourites, cruelties and obsessions.

Brilliantly computer-animated, intelligently scripted, witty and moving - it's easy to see why adult reviewers have fallen for these films. In the newish one, the character Woody falls into the hands of a toy collector - the arch bore of the adult world - and must be rescued by his fellow toys and returned to his child owner. The bittersweet implication being that Woody must choose between an eternal life with no meaning and being loved to death. As another collectible toy asks: "Will he take you to college, or on his honeymoon? You can go, or you can stay with us and last forever."

This is poignant stuff, but what will the target audience make of it? On the weekend we asked the visiting almost-five-year-old for his response to the Toy Story phenomenon.

What is Toy Story about? "Um ... toys."

What happens to them? "They get stolen? Only Woody does, though."

Are we talking about Toy Story or Toy Story 2? "Toy Story 2."

But you haven't seen that yet. "I know."

So how do you know what it's about? "I've seen the ad. Mr Potatohead takes off his eyes and puts his shoes on his eyes!"

I see. What about the first Toy Story, what happens in that? '"Andy likes Woody, then Buzz comes and Andy likes Buzz and ... I know what Woody says."

What? "Howdy partner."

What's the best bit in the film? "What's a film?"

A movie. "Oh. You know that dog? The bit where he bangs into the door is funny, 'cause he's bad, and when stuff happens to bad people, good people think it's funny."

Do toys really talk in real life? "No."

Are you sure? How do you know? "Because I've never heard one talk."

What do you think happens to toys when they get old? "They break."

Which one is better out of Toy Story and A Bug's life? "Um. I know. Antz. Because, um, in Antz they're real ants because they've got two [back] legs on each side and on A Bug's Life they've only got one like you and me."

What's your favourite Movie" "Pokemon."

You haven't even seen that. "I mean on telly. That's a movie."

No, it's a programme. Are you looking forward to Toy Story 2? "Yeah! I saw the guy who steals Woody and he's got an orange shirt on and he's fat."

Uh-huh. So, you know how you said toys break when they old. Is that sad? What do you think happened to all my toys from when I was a kid? "They broke and you cried."

Did they get thrown away? "No. 'Cause some of my toys are really old and they're not thrown away."

So where do they go in the end if you don't throw them away? "I'm going to keep them for my own kids."

Thank you. Now go and tidy your room.

Loony

Loony,

That little guy doesn't take after his grandfather, does he? I actually quite liked Toy Story I, but then I am a complete sucker for 'children's' films (and books). As the beloved points out, that's because I never really grew up. I resemble that, is my half-heartedly indignant reply, even though most/all men like to think there is a little bit of the boy in them on account of how they figure women like that (which may or may not be true but even I am not stupid enough to get dragged into that kind of debate). And the beloved, well, she just says she loves me the way I am. Sic transit gloria.

Walter.