Training for dog ownership
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Dog - carbon based life form descended from the wolf; still thinks its a wolf and treats human family as its own social group and home and surroundings as its territory. It is recomended that you spend at least a month training before getting a dog - here is a 12 point training schedule.
1. At random, get a member of your family to fire staples into your ears while you are busy reading or watching television.
2. At 6 o clock every morning get a member of your family to drop a 28lb sack of potatoes on you while you are sleeping then slap you in the face 20 times with a wet flannel.
3. Every evening stand by the front door, rattle a chain, then get a member of the family to punch you in the crutch as hard as they can.
4. Tie one end of a dog lead to your wrist. Tie the other end to the back of a 1000 c.c. motorcycle. Get a member of the family to rev the bike up to 12,000 rpm, slip it into 2nd gear, then let the clutch out fast.
5. Hammer 6" nails into all the wooden furniture in the house, then pull them out again with a claw hammer. Slash all the soft furnishings with a 12" Bowie knife.
6. Arrange to have your entire salary paid directly to your local vet, who can then let you have back any spare change that he/she doesn't need.
7. Have the toilet seat nailed down and urinate indiscriminately over the carpets. Leave this for at least 24 hrs before cleaning.
8. Every evening empty packets of food and drink over the kitchen floor, clean it up in the morning.
9. When the postman puts his fingers through the letterbox, mascerate them with a cheese grater; this will train him to move them faster next time.
10. Tear up all your post into 1000 pieces before sellotaping it back together and trying to read it. If its a cheque, soak it in saliva before tearing it.
11. Dig up all your garden plants and throw them on the lawn. Replace them with partially decomposed bones of dead animals.
12. Put dog food into a bowl, then throw it all over the floor before smashing yourself in the face with the bowl. Put all the food back into the bowl - repeat.
If you can get yourself through this training regime and still want to own a dog - then you're as mad as I am.
Best wishes from TeePee and Blackjack (Staffordshire Bull Terrier)
1. At random, get a member of your family to fire staples into your ears while you are busy reading or watching television.
2. At 6 o clock every morning get a member of your family to drop a 28lb sack of potatoes on you while you are sleeping then slap you in the face 20 times with a wet flannel.
3. Every evening stand by the front door, rattle a chain, then get a member of the family to punch you in the crutch as hard as they can.
4. Tie one end of a dog lead to your wrist. Tie the other end to the back of a 1000 c.c. motorcycle. Get a member of the family to rev the bike up to 12,000 rpm, slip it into 2nd gear, then let the clutch out fast.
5. Hammer 6" nails into all the wooden furniture in the house, then pull them out again with a claw hammer. Slash all the soft furnishings with a 12" Bowie knife.
6. Arrange to have your entire salary paid directly to your local vet, who can then let you have back any spare change that he/she doesn't need.
7. Have the toilet seat nailed down and urinate indiscriminately over the carpets. Leave this for at least 24 hrs before cleaning.
8. Every evening empty packets of food and drink over the kitchen floor, clean it up in the morning.
9. When the postman puts his fingers through the letterbox, mascerate them with a cheese grater; this will train him to move them faster next time.
10. Tear up all your post into 1000 pieces before sellotaping it back together and trying to read it. If its a cheque, soak it in saliva before tearing it.
11. Dig up all your garden plants and throw them on the lawn. Replace them with partially decomposed bones of dead animals.
12. Put dog food into a bowl, then throw it all over the floor before smashing yourself in the face with the bowl. Put all the food back into the bowl - repeat.
If you can get yourself through this training regime and still want to own a dog - then you're as mad as I am.
Best wishes from TeePee and Blackjack (Staffordshire Bull Terrier)
