Space and the Single Ouija Board (a report from the vicinity of Betelgeuse)
Created | Updated Jun 17, 2005
It has come to the attention of Researchers for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that the advent of the Sub-Etha net has led to a number of puzzling communications anomalies, some of which can be taken advantage of by enterprising hitchhikers. Or, at least, help pass the time pleasantly while waiting for a lift from Barnard's Star.
One of the more perplexing anomalies has been the appearance on navicom screens across the galaxy of random messages asking for Nati-Gitchi-Bumppo or Princess Ticklefeather, and inquiring in the most fervent terms after the well-being of Uncle Henry, and how is he enjoying life in the Summerland?
After consultation with experts at the Centre for Higher-Dimension Mathematical Jiggery-Pokery at the Rigellian Institute for the Study of Practically Everything, the following explanation was mooted:
There is some connection between the physics of n-space hypercommunications and the operation of the planchette, or Ouija board.
Dr. Alu Minium Zeiding, holder of the Georgelucasian Chair of Hyperdimensional Mathematics, explained it thus:
'The collusion of the vectors of intentionality vis-a-vis the sitters, the planchette, and the alphabet/numbers board corresponds periodically to the frequency patterns of higher-dimensional warp-time communications signals. In short, there's a cross in the line somewhere.'
Professor Zeiding went on to explain the correlativity of table-turning with the oscillation of dilithium crystals, the relationship of terrestrial poltergeists to pan-galactic spam Sub-Etha mail, and was well into the development of his thesis regarding the general connectivity of humanoid gullibility with seemingly random hyperspace flux phenomena, when the rest of his department mercifully subdued him and gave him his overdue medication.
When he had recovered, he added: 'And there's nothing we can do about it. So there.'
Meanwhile, interplanetary hitchhikers have been known to pass many pleasant hours aboard ship conversing with mediums and their friends, on the well-known theory that even an idiotic chat-room conversation is better than actually reading that improving new book you've been saving up for a long trip.
Of course, in many of the less relaxed sectors of the galaxy, this increase in Sub-Etha traffic has led to headaches for the local thought police, whose attitude toward Free Speech is that they want nothing to do with that sort of thing, and it should be stopped before it spreads.
We have recently obtained, by methods best left to the diseased imaginations of our editors, a transcript of one such conversation, as monitored by the local mind-law enforcement agency, the Betelgeusian Brainwave Control. We offer a sampling here.
Sub-Etha Messager 1: Is anybody there? Oh, Great Spirit from the Other World, we are waiting.
Sub-Etha Messager 2: Hiya, froods and froodettes!
SEM 1: Oh, Great Spirit, we have cleared our minds....
SEM 2: Uh, yeah, lady, that's kinda obvious.
SEM 1: And we would fain hear news of our loved ones who have crossed the Bridge into the Great Beyond...
SEM 2: Oh, that one! Yeah, I think it's on Altair 7. Oh, okay (clears throat), here goes: Uncle Joe is well, and sends his love; Aunt Mary is having a great time, she's learning to play the xylophone in the angelic orchestra, Granddad wants to know if he remembered to turn the stove off, although he guesses you've figured that one out by now, and...uh...yeah, Sister Carrie wants to say that love is all you need.
SEM 1: (Accusatory silence). There's no Sister Carrie here.
SEM 2: Oops! Sorry! That was the Theodore Dreiser thread. Got my lines crossed there. Look, I've got to be going. We spirits are very busy, you know. It's not all sitting around on a cloud and harping on old Beatles tunes, oh no oh no. There's halo-polishing, and music-of-the-spheres practice, and Hallelujah 101 class, and, well, you know...signing off now.
SEM 1: Oh spirit, do you have any parting advice for us?
SEM 2: Oh, sure. Uh...keep your lasers dry, and always know where your towel is. (Giggling.)
Well, you see how this sort of thing is likely to go.
The best advice we can offer, is to demand password authentication when dealing with unknown communications on the Sub-Etha net. That, or demand your poscreds back, if you actually paid for the trip.
Happy navigating!
![Using a Ouija board by e[version]](https://h2g2.com/oldblobs/white/2559089.gif "Using a Ouija board by e[version]")
