Well, here we are back at the front? And after a lull, the venison - sorry! - the tension was on again, and the heat was yet once more turned up in the ongoing kitchen war. Over by the draining board, a small concentrated packet of stir fry had tried to curry flavour with a platoon of noodles, but they pasta on by, soya to say they didn't seem interested. Whilst it did have a dramatic effect on a raspberry jelly, which sat in the fridge, shivering away looking very wobbly and unsteady, unsure of itself.

But my eyes became diverted! I’d heard jokes in the past about such things, but never thought they were true until now, but lined up by the side of the microwave, was a squad of meat-free sausages preparing to hambush two jars of cockles out on patrol. It would be suicide, the meat-free sausages having no strength or brawn to take on armoured cockles but, being a non-combatant I couldn't interfere. I could only stand and watch, as the sausages attacked bravely and were instantly as'salted by the cockles, who had enlisted some mussel as a back up. It turned out that the mussels were a sea'soned team of veterans and haddock trained for this eventuality.

The Caesar salad was defending well against an attack by the northern tribes of tooth Picts who had bean Romeing around looking for some action.

As the initial war escargot?? - escalated, that’s the word! - with no end in sight and the egg timer running out, NATO (Nutmegs Against Tinned Oranges) had been called in to try to subdue the conflict, but the self raising flower rose to the occasion and objected, which was upheld by the ruling council of elderberries.

Due to this, the coffee was ground to a halt and, to cap it all, the mushrooms had found a toadstooly pigeon passing information to the enemy, the chives.

Cantaloupe'ing along as if nothing was going on, three honeydew melons went their merry way.

Hiding under one of the worktops, some peas at the start of the war had been squeamish and gone all mushy. A battery of eggs were shelling away using grape shot, so the green brigade retaliated with a broadbeanside. It was at this time, the peas had company, and they were joined by two hard-boiled eggs which were actually yellow at heart. On the facing wall, a picture of Lord Kitchener was pepper sprayed, by the cayenne light armoured section. From under the sink cupboard, Mr Muscle came out, took one look and went back in again.

Suddenly! From behind the flip top waste bin, a platoon of olives, complete with helmets on (bun cases actually) came in to view and scone'd... err... scanned the battlefield, to which they saw and prepared to attack an unruly mob of potatoes. Modern potatoes that is, being only half baked and no leadership. Not like a chip off the old block, ie King Edwards as it were - now they were a force to be reckoned with!

In keeping with its nature, the plain flower kept a low profile and showed it cowardly white stripe as per usual.

All these events had inevitably taken its toll, the washing machine was just left in a spin and totally drained. The fruit salad just tossed aside.

But, as in any war conflict, keeping the morale of the troops up is an issue; the teabags were on hand in the red light area (where the tomato ketchup was spilt) to lend comfort and soften things up a bit.

Sat overlooking the action from on top of the bread bin, a hot'cross'bun said lettuce spray and hope this doesn't happen again! In my view, with a bit of backing, this could be made in to a cereal for television.

Once again, that's shallot for now...

Poetry and Fiction Archive of Professor Animal Chaos

Prof Animal Chaos

25.09.08 Front Page

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