Enough English History to be a Tourist in London
Created | Updated Oct 3, 2008
61 AD: Boadicea was pagan chieftan's wife. Her husband was off fighting, so she put down the knitting and led a British revolt agains Romans. Romans narrowly defeated her, but decide to lay off the Brits. Not the last time that a foreign power has underestimated the Brits.
100 AD: Hadrian builds wall across Scotland, prefiguring Mel Gibson
789 : Vikings cross the sea from north and conquer the tribes of Britain
1066: the Norman Conquest: the French Normans kick the Swedish Vikings out of England , french king William the Conqueror rides his horse up aisle of Westminster Abbey; England turns to Europe and away from Scandanavia, official kickoff of the English-French love-hate games
1215: Magna Carta signed between King John ( singing his smash hit, "Divine Right of Kings" ) and English nobles (who then grab London and say "we really need to talk"). Key provision: even the King is under the Law. Watch how kings keep trying to weasel out of this clause.
1480s : Richard 3 kills the twins , grabs the throne (then apologises...from the throne)
1520s : Henry 8 starts Church of England (aka Catholicism Lite), religion as proxy for politics wars now showing in theatres near you
1640s: English Civil War basically between the King ("cavaliers") and Parliament ("roundheads"), King Charles I grabs the mike and does a cover of King John's old hit "Divine Right of Kings" which concert ended by:
1653 : Cromwell and the Puritans (more protestant than protestant) lower the boom on London, remove head of the king. Basically a bunch of English Taliban. Londoners quickly get sick of no booze, no smoking, no theatre, sex-for-procreation-only. So Cromwell deposed, monarchy restored, and Puritans kicked out (they then hop over the Atlantic and begin screwing up the culture of a brand new country). Note two themes going now: autocrat vs parliament, and religion as proxy for politics. Hauntingly familar, eh?
1688: The Glorious Revolution: King James is about to restore a good ole Catholic Monarchy to England (belting out that old favorite, "Divine Right of Kings" ). Parliament gets fed up and kicks the KING out of the country, then seats King William and Mary on the English Throne to ensure Protestant succession and avoid yet another civil war .
1700s: growth of Empire as Brits kick other European countries out of their colonies in N America, India, Africa.
1776: colonial revolt in N. America, great constitution, but enough of Puritan thing. (Where are the Fab Five when you need them?) And lose the slavery already !
1789: French decapitate a king, establish a Republic. English say BTDT.
1800: Napoleon grabs power and almost conquers the World. After much toing and froing, Wellington and Nelson finally put a lid on this guy.
1800s: industrial revolution starts in England, growth of British Empire
1868, then 1880 ff : Gladstone, a dour liberal, becomes PM. Nice guy, but he got on good Queen Vic's nerves. Thought money best spent at home, not in empire. Hated Disraeli.
1876: Disraeli, a laid back conservative, becomes Prime Minister and engineers a huge imperialist push (Suez canal, Queen Vic as Empress of India, etc.) Famous "I have climbed to the top of the greasy pole" statement. Hated Gladstone.
late 1800s: Queen Victoria's reign, decade after decade of peace and prosperity which lulls everybody into thinking that it will always be this way, setting us up for the unpleasant surprise of:
1914: WW I: Nobody: thought it would happen, last that long, or be so bloody. Everybody was wrong. Germany fights a two front war and (surprise) loses. Victors (not to be outdone in stupidity) then impose a vindictive peace on Germany which sets us up for:
1930's: rise of Hitler leading in 1939 to WW2 (this time, Germans blitz thru France in 6 weeks, BIG nyah-nyah ). Originally thought to be WWI Part Deux. Germans have something entirely else in mind, though. Everybody prepares to learn how to conjugate German verbs but then:
1940: Churchill finally gets to be PM (Chamberlain, the previous PM was supremely confident that saying "nice doggy" was better than having a Big Enough Stick. He retires bewildered that Hitler lied to him. He would have been a good guy to play poker with, if you were playing for money.) Summer brings the Battle of Britain and the Blitz, where the Luftwaffe tries (hard) and fails to drop the dome of St Paul's. Eventually the Brits under Churchill have the last nyah-nyah.
1950s: victorious Brits kick WSC out then try a bit of socialism, which (better sit down now) fails.
1960s: Beatles lead the First British Invasion of the USA
1980s: Duran Duran and Maggie Thatcher, London rises to become the top financial centre in the world, UK refuses to join the EC, but Mark Knopfler joins Dire Straits
1991: Soviet Union implodes, EC expands, punk rock morphs to emo-screamo
2000s: Amy Winehouse leads the Second British Invasion of the USA
And that's it. Now remember to look right when you cross the street.
100 AD: Hadrian builds wall across Scotland, prefiguring Mel Gibson
789 : Vikings cross the sea from north and conquer the tribes of Britain
1066: the Norman Conquest: the French Normans kick the Swedish Vikings out of England , french king William the Conqueror rides his horse up aisle of Westminster Abbey; England turns to Europe and away from Scandanavia, official kickoff of the English-French love-hate games
1215: Magna Carta signed between King John ( singing his smash hit, "Divine Right of Kings" ) and English nobles (who then grab London and say "we really need to talk"). Key provision: even the King is under the Law. Watch how kings keep trying to weasel out of this clause.
1480s : Richard 3 kills the twins , grabs the throne (then apologises...from the throne)
1520s : Henry 8 starts Church of England (aka Catholicism Lite), religion as proxy for politics wars now showing in theatres near you
1640s: English Civil War basically between the King ("cavaliers") and Parliament ("roundheads"), King Charles I grabs the mike and does a cover of King John's old hit "Divine Right of Kings" which concert ended by:
1653 : Cromwell and the Puritans (more protestant than protestant) lower the boom on London, remove head of the king. Basically a bunch of English Taliban. Londoners quickly get sick of no booze, no smoking, no theatre, sex-for-procreation-only. So Cromwell deposed, monarchy restored, and Puritans kicked out (they then hop over the Atlantic and begin screwing up the culture of a brand new country). Note two themes going now: autocrat vs parliament, and religion as proxy for politics. Hauntingly familar, eh?
1688: The Glorious Revolution: King James is about to restore a good ole Catholic Monarchy to England (belting out that old favorite, "Divine Right of Kings" ). Parliament gets fed up and kicks the KING out of the country, then seats King William and Mary on the English Throne to ensure Protestant succession and avoid yet another civil war .
1700s: growth of Empire as Brits kick other European countries out of their colonies in N America, India, Africa.
1776: colonial revolt in N. America, great constitution, but enough of Puritan thing. (Where are the Fab Five when you need them?) And lose the slavery already !
1789: French decapitate a king, establish a Republic. English say BTDT.
1800: Napoleon grabs power and almost conquers the World. After much toing and froing, Wellington and Nelson finally put a lid on this guy.
1800s: industrial revolution starts in England, growth of British Empire
1868, then 1880 ff : Gladstone, a dour liberal, becomes PM. Nice guy, but he got on good Queen Vic's nerves. Thought money best spent at home, not in empire. Hated Disraeli.
1876: Disraeli, a laid back conservative, becomes Prime Minister and engineers a huge imperialist push (Suez canal, Queen Vic as Empress of India, etc.) Famous "I have climbed to the top of the greasy pole" statement. Hated Gladstone.
late 1800s: Queen Victoria's reign, decade after decade of peace and prosperity which lulls everybody into thinking that it will always be this way, setting us up for the unpleasant surprise of:
1914: WW I: Nobody: thought it would happen, last that long, or be so bloody. Everybody was wrong. Germany fights a two front war and (surprise) loses. Victors (not to be outdone in stupidity) then impose a vindictive peace on Germany which sets us up for:
1930's: rise of Hitler leading in 1939 to WW2 (this time, Germans blitz thru France in 6 weeks, BIG nyah-nyah ). Originally thought to be WWI Part Deux. Germans have something entirely else in mind, though. Everybody prepares to learn how to conjugate German verbs but then:
1940: Churchill finally gets to be PM (Chamberlain, the previous PM was supremely confident that saying "nice doggy" was better than having a Big Enough Stick. He retires bewildered that Hitler lied to him. He would have been a good guy to play poker with, if you were playing for money.) Summer brings the Battle of Britain and the Blitz, where the Luftwaffe tries (hard) and fails to drop the dome of St Paul's. Eventually the Brits under Churchill have the last nyah-nyah.
1950s: victorious Brits kick WSC out then try a bit of socialism, which (better sit down now) fails.
1960s: Beatles lead the First British Invasion of the USA
1980s: Duran Duran and Maggie Thatcher, London rises to become the top financial centre in the world, UK refuses to join the EC, but Mark Knopfler joins Dire Straits
1991: Soviet Union implodes, EC expands, punk rock morphs to emo-screamo
2000s: Amy Winehouse leads the Second British Invasion of the USA
And that's it. Now remember to look right when you cross the street.
