h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The answer in very simple. You will need:

2 x hard, flat things (approximately 5 inches in height)

1 x slightly smaller hard, flat thing

1 x children's padding pool (available at any discount shop, pay no more than £5)

1. Empty the freezer. This is an ideal excuse for a meal consisting of fossilised sausages and pork chops, broccoli, Alphabites, frozen curry sauce and ice pops. If this sounds tempting, you will not get another excuse to eat a meal like this, so make the most of it. Alternatively, throw everything in the bin.

2. Inflate the paddling pool.

3. Place the 2 hard, flat things in the paddling pool. They must be near one side, with a distance between them approximate to the width of you freezer. Place the smaller hard, flat thing at the opposite side of the paddling pool, equidistant between the 2 other things. Personally, I use a set of 3 upturned saucepans for this, with the milk pan at the front, but I will leave this to your own discretion.

4. Unplug the freezer and lift it into the paddling pool, making sure that the 2 large things are at the back corners of the unit and the 1 smaller thing rests under the front edge.

5. Open the freezer door.

6. Leave it overnight and, due to the forward tilt of the freezer, all the ice and water will drain out into the paddling pool.

7. Lift out the freezer and put it back into it's standard place.

8. Empty the paddling pool into the bath, then deflate it.

9. Clean the freezer then, after leaving it to get comfortable, switch it back on and buy stuff to put in it.

If you experience the feeling of having created a "clean slate" for yourself, why not increase that feeling by becoming a Born-Again Christian or Buddhist or something. You could possible spread a lot of goodness in the world and you won't have to get your lasagne out with a screwdriver until the next time.

How do you get an inflated paddling pool through the bathroom door without spilling? Go on - write an article on that - I dare you!

Incidently, in all the high-rise flats I've seen, there's been a porch for drying your clothes on just off the living room or kitchen, open to the outside air and crucially with a drain in the floor. I'd drag the freezer out there, tilt it above the drain and leave it overnight, preferably in the summer. Just my ...

Well I found that if you sprinkle a liberal amount of salt on the ice, and place a jug of boiling water inside the freezer, then leave the door ajar, you can be frost free in about half an hour. Make sure the freezer is OFF before you start or it'll get very frustrated, but it saves moving it anywhere, just make sure you've plenty of spare towels on the floor.