The Reformation
Created | Updated Feb 20, 2015
The Reformation: the time when there was some guy with a name confusable with someone else in history who had a dream; so did this guy, so he nailed 95 theses to a door.1 This caused so much stir that this guy, Martin Luther, 2 who didn't mean to do anything besides let the Church know that they had messed up big, just started several wars, thousands of squabbles, two treaties, at least three religions, and one headache. 3
And now for the juicy details.
Unfortunately for the Church and their bank account5 the more educated people refused to accept the indulgences, and if they did, only tentatively. One of the people smart enough to read the Bible and use it was Martin Luther.
Martin Luther did not like this concept. He read the Bible, so printed up all his little complaints about the Church and (supposedly) nailed them to a door.
The Reformation had officially begun.
Speaking (or reading) of which, why were they starting these anyway? Over in Rome, where nobody in Germany could ever see, they wanted to build (another) chapel. The taxes they had put on the Germans weren't enough, so they had to raise some more simoleons10 somehow, so they decided to pretend that they could sell away your sins. The more educated people knew this was a big, bad, Bible breach,11 but only Martin Luther did anything about it- to try to get German princes on his side, he told them that Rome was taking German money for something they would never get to see.
He knew what to say to get results. After all, money makes the world go 'round.
The Reformation continues...
Somehow, while religiously correct, this answer failed to bring about change or relief. Something had to be done.
Anybody reading this a Lutheran? Now you know how your religion started...
After the debate, Luther went on to form his religion where it was belief, not action, not the Clergy, who got you to heaven. It was YOU.15These beliefs satisfied everyone except the Church...
Okay, now, as you can see, there seems to perhaps, maybe, possibly be a small amount of friction between Catholics and Lutherans who, from their protests, became known as "Protestants." There was, of course, difficulty in getting the Catholics to accept the fact that Protestantism was really quite common now in Germany. Unfortunately, the Catholics would not take this quietly. They insisted that their religion was the only right way, and carefully ignored the commandment that stated "Thou Shalt Not Kill" and started a bloody war.
25 Years of War
In 1530, tensions snapped. The Catholics attacked, and they did not expect to be met with resistance; after all, everyone respected the Church! They seemed to have forgotten that this entire war was waged because someone DIDN'T respect the Church. To their surprise, they met the forces of the Emperor, princes, and nobility of Germany! The war lasted until 1555, when neither side had won16; a treaty was called. This treaty, the Peace of Augsburg, had these four important provisions:
1)Each German prince got to choose the the religion for his state; if you didn't like the choice, move.
2) All Church property taken by the Protestants before 1552 belongs to the takers.
3) Lutheranism was the only recognized Protestant creed.
4) Lutherans living in ecclesiastical Catholic states could follow Lutheranism.
Note the fact that this agreement was slanted heavily to the Lutherans; evidently, they mostly got their way.( A half-victory? More like a 75.3453453 % victory.) This war, while a milestone, was by far not the end of the Reformation...
That war was not the end of it, no siree. About 60 years after the first war ended, the second one started. Really, though, it was not just one big war; it was a series of quite a few small ones over the course of 30 years; that gets the period the name "The Thirty Years War." That probably should be "30 Yrs Of War" or "The 30 Yrs Wars," but nobody asked me. The entire area was devastated; it was said "They made a desert, and called it peace."17
The wars were caused by the fact that the people got no say in what religion was chosen, and there were only 2 choices given. By now, there were more religions than that; one of the new ones will be touched on later.
Here's how the bloody battles turned out- the Treaty of Westphalia, 1648:
1.) Any given German prince could make war or peace without the Emperor's say in the matter.
2.) Sweden received Western Pomerania and the bishopric of Bremen, making it the most powerful Lutheran state in northern Europe.
3.)Brandenburg, ruled by the Hohenzollern18 family, received eastern Pomerania and several bishoprics. This meant a lot to them- they kept power until modern times.
4.)Holland and Switzerland were recognized as independent states. 19
5.) France received Alsace, which turned out to be a good thing- it appears several times later in my history book from which I am getting this information.
6.) All former Church property was to be held by whoever had it in 1624.
7.)Calvinists (we're about to talk about them) would be granted the same privileges as Lutherans, in Germany.
Calvinism was yet another variant of Protestantism. How many can the planet hold? The religion was named after the second human to preach it; however, John Calvin, the second man, was truly a greater man than Zwingli, the first person to make a (somewhat pathetic) attempt to preach it. The beliefs shared were that God had already selected "the elect," the only ones who would be saved. To be sure you were one of the elect, you had to lead a 100% religious life. No dancing, no crosses or other icons, no symbols of religion, no lack of devotion21, no card playing, no gambling, no whoopee22, and no parties. Read as: "no fun." What is this- the Middle Ages? It's like he wants to take everybody back to pre-Renaissance times when the individual was not important!
Don't say I didn't warn you. Divorce: Wife # 1
Henry's first wife was Catherine of Aragon, his brother's widow. 23
Henry, who wanted someone to carry on the family line, had 6 children with her; unfortunately, five died in infancy, while the other was (horror of horrors!) a girl. Unfortunately, a female cannot be King, so that wouldn't do- Henry thought that his wife was cursed with being unable to have a boy! After his request for a divorce was turned down, he decreed that HE was the power behind the Church in England, not the Pope, so, after being excommunicated (kicked out of the church), he gave himself that divorce. It was called "popery without the pope."24 On to...
Can you say "Mistake?" OK, how about "It Looked Better In The Picture?" Good. You're getting the idea.
She was divorced in record time (for Henry) when he saw her face. She had such a horse-face everyone called her "The Flanders Mare!" 26 Fortunately for her, she was one of the three who survived Henry's wrath --he divorced her so quicky he couldn't think up any excuse to put her on the chopping block.
Well, now you have seen my account of the Reformation that is less dry than most areas on the Reformation and researched more than most Guide articles. There is more to be known than what's here; I desperately need more info on Henry's Wives 5 and 6, and I'm certain that there are spots I missed. Please, if you have more info about this, e-mail me at [email protected]. Sorry, but this is not a MAILTO link; open up your e-mail client and mail me. However, you will have to remove the part of my adress called ANTISPAMCOCACOLA- that's not in my e-mail; I added it to thow off evil spam-bots that search the Web for e-mail adresses to target.
Thank you for reading,
--Researcher SmartGamer
And now for the juicy details.
The Starting Stupidities
It Was Their Fault Let's start out with the situation. The place: Germany. The time: Early 1500's. What They Did: The Church was offering "indulgences." Basically speaking, this means that the Church said you could bribe God and buy away your sins. Of course, you had to be truly penitent... but that fact was lost when Johann4 Tetzel somehow failed to mention that and basically said that you could be rude, pushy, mean, evil, cruel, break all Ten Commandments, and then you could still pay your way to Heaven, and could even buy off sins not yet committed-- even though the Bible says you can't do this type of thing. Yes, you supposedly could pay your way out of a certain place that's hotter than a Death Valley summer heat wave!Unfortunately for the Church and their bank account5 the more educated people refused to accept the indulgences, and if they did, only tentatively. One of the people smart enough to read the Bible and use it was Martin Luther.
Martin Luther did not like this concept. He read the Bible, so printed up all his little complaints about the Church and (supposedly) nailed them to a door.
The Reformation had officially begun.
4 This is Germany... that's pronounced yo-han, like in Johann Sebastian Bach. 5 If they had one, that is.
They're Not The Only Stupid OnesAs the title shows, there were many stupid people in this time period. Now, there was one smart person, Johannes Gutenberg,6 who, in the Renaissance, developed a cross between a wine punch and a coin press. Or was that the other way around, a wine press and a coin punch? I think so. Anyway, this gizmo is now known as Gutenberg's Printing Press with Moveable Type. Now you see why I just call it the Printing Press. The Printing Press was essential because now all the stupid people could become less so by reading, because books were no longer prohibitively expensive.7
Furthermore, views could be expressed on flyers; it is now the advent of Junk Mail, to evolve into Spam in over 550 years. Now, most of the stupid people paid for the indulgences, which, since they all now had Bibles, was pretty stupid. However, Martin Luther put the gadget to a good use...
6 Also German... or Deutch, as they like to say, or pronounced "doitch."7Almost makes me think of the book, Fareinheit 451... However, I doubt that they were inexpensive enough to use as fireplace fodder. I think I misspelled something.
Martin Luther Takes Action
The Nailing of the Note Okay, let's get one thing straight, History is not clear on anything except that the year was 1517 when this commotion started. Most accounts say that after he printed up the notes, he(supposedly8)nailed the things to a Church door. Others say he handed them to the Archbishop9 and printed up more copies to get a response when Mr. Archbishop failed to give him one because acting on it would mean a pay cut; whatever happened, people started to wonder if indulgences were really OK.8 In other words, this is like the rumor your friend told you that he heard from his friend who heard it from his friend who... (Repeat until head hurts badly.) 9Not to be confused with a chess piece.
The Down and Dirty on IndulgencesSpeaking (or reading) of which, why were they starting these anyway? Over in Rome, where nobody in Germany could ever see, they wanted to build (another) chapel. The taxes they had put on the Germans weren't enough, so they had to raise some more simoleons10 somehow, so they decided to pretend that they could sell away your sins. The more educated people knew this was a big, bad, Bible breach,11 but only Martin Luther did anything about it- to try to get German princes on his side, he told them that Rome was taking German money for something they would never get to see.
He knew what to say to get results. After all, money makes the world go 'round.
The Reformation continues...
10For those who don't know, that's a synonym for money.11 I've always had an annoying, alienating, alliteration ability.
Hey, That's Not The Point You Were Trying To MakeOkay, now everybody had heard about this little disaster; the Church was not happy. Here's a problem: People were rebelling against the Church. If they no longer had people, they no longer got money from indulgences, offerings, or taxes. If they no longer got money, their lifestyles of ultimate luxury would have to end. They did not want this to happen. Therefore, they sent an expert debater12 named Johann Eck 13to, well, debate with Martin Luther about the question of indulgences. Eck14asked Luther what he would do if the Pope ordered acceptance. Luther's immediate reply: "I would go by the teachings of the Bible itself.""I would go by the teachings of the Bible itself." Martin Luther, 1517 |
Anybody reading this a Lutheran? Now you know how your religion started...
After the debate, Luther went on to form his religion where it was belief, not action, not the Clergy, who got you to heaven. It was YOU.15These beliefs satisfied everyone except the Church...
12Arguer.13Johannes Gutenberg, Johann Sebastian Bach, Johann Eck... Was more than half of Germany named Johann or some variant of it?14If that's pronounced "yeech," it seems that it would be an accurate description. 15Unfortunately, this also has the effect that you have nobody to blame if you go to H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick.
THIS MEANS WAR!!!!!!!!!
Okay, now, as you can see, there seems to perhaps, maybe, possibly be a small amount of friction between Catholics and Lutherans who, from their protests, became known as "Protestants." There was, of course, difficulty in getting the Catholics to accept the fact that Protestantism was really quite common now in Germany. Unfortunately, the Catholics would not take this quietly. They insisted that their religion was the only right way, and carefully ignored the commandment that stated "Thou Shalt Not Kill" and started a bloody war.
25 Years of War
In 1530, tensions snapped. The Catholics attacked, and they did not expect to be met with resistance; after all, everyone respected the Church! They seemed to have forgotten that this entire war was waged because someone DIDN'T respect the Church. To their surprise, they met the forces of the Emperor, princes, and nobility of Germany! The war lasted until 1555, when neither side had won16; a treaty was called. This treaty, the Peace of Augsburg, had these four important provisions:
1)Each German prince got to choose the the religion for his state; if you didn't like the choice, move.
2) All Church property taken by the Protestants before 1552 belongs to the takers.
3) Lutheranism was the only recognized Protestant creed.
4) Lutherans living in ecclesiastical Catholic states could follow Lutheranism.
Note the fact that this agreement was slanted heavily to the Lutherans; evidently, they mostly got their way.( A half-victory? More like a 75.3453453 % victory.) This war, while a milestone, was by far not the end of the Reformation...
16Nobody ever WINS in war; it's just that someone doesn't lose as badly.
Fight, Fight, Fight!That war was not the end of it, no siree. About 60 years after the first war ended, the second one started. Really, though, it was not just one big war; it was a series of quite a few small ones over the course of 30 years; that gets the period the name "The Thirty Years War." That probably should be "30 Yrs Of War" or "The 30 Yrs Wars," but nobody asked me. The entire area was devastated; it was said "They made a desert, and called it peace."17
"They made a desert, and called it peace." |
Here's how the bloody battles turned out- the Treaty of Westphalia, 1648:
1.) Any given German prince could make war or peace without the Emperor's say in the matter.
2.) Sweden received Western Pomerania and the bishopric of Bremen, making it the most powerful Lutheran state in northern Europe.
3.)Brandenburg, ruled by the Hohenzollern18 family, received eastern Pomerania and several bishoprics. This meant a lot to them- they kept power until modern times.
4.)Holland and Switzerland were recognized as independent states. 19
5.) France received Alsace, which turned out to be a good thing- it appears several times later in my history book from which I am getting this information.
6.) All former Church property was to be held by whoever had it in 1624.
7.)Calvinists (we're about to talk about them) would be granted the same privileges as Lutherans, in Germany.
17From Men And Nations, A World History (1964 edition)18I have no idea how that is pronounced.19 They still are. I guess something that happened there actually stuck.
Other Religions
Calvinism 20 Is CreatedCalvinism was yet another variant of Protestantism. How many can the planet hold? The religion was named after the second human to preach it; however, John Calvin, the second man, was truly a greater man than Zwingli, the first person to make a (somewhat pathetic) attempt to preach it. The beliefs shared were that God had already selected "the elect," the only ones who would be saved. To be sure you were one of the elect, you had to lead a 100% religious life. No dancing, no crosses or other icons, no symbols of religion, no lack of devotion21, no card playing, no gambling, no whoopee22, and no parties. Read as: "no fun." What is this- the Middle Ages? It's like he wants to take everybody back to pre-Renaissance times when the individual was not important!
21 No symbols of religion, but no lack of devotion either- sounds contradictory to ME, anyway...22 If you don't know what I mean, then wait until you get older. You'll be taught it in middle school.
England: The King Henry Incident
Warning: Rough Language Ahead Please note that the text that follows this point may not exactly be polite. Unfortunately, it's all true. If you are easily offended, you may want to skip the King Henry section.Don't say I didn't warn you. Divorce: Wife # 1
Henry's first wife was Catherine of Aragon, his brother's widow. 23
Henry, who wanted someone to carry on the family line, had 6 children with her; unfortunately, five died in infancy, while the other was (horror of horrors!) a girl. Unfortunately, a female cannot be King, so that wouldn't do- Henry thought that his wife was cursed with being unable to have a boy! After his request for a divorce was turned down, he decreed that HE was the power behind the Church in England, not the Pope, so, after being excommunicated (kicked out of the church), he gave himself that divorce. It was called "popery without the pope."24 On to...
23 He's already off to a great start, isn't he? 24 Popery, leading of the Church, is not to be confused with potpourri, a type of scent.
Beheading: Wife # 2 and Death: Wife Three After Catherine, he married Anne Boleyn. She gave him only a daughter- and was beheaded for misconduct on trumped up charges. Even before he married Anne, he did have a son- just not with any of his wives. This Bouncing Baby B*****d 25(I warned you about the language) could not be made King, unless he married that person. He didn't. After Anne lost her head over her issue, he married Jane Seymour. She gave him a second, legit, son, but she died in child birth. Edward (the legit one) did turn out to be King. Just not a strong one. Or there for very long, for that matter, because he died at age sixteen- he was king at ten, but his advisors gladly took the job for him since he was too young. Richard, the B.B.B., was mostly forgotten by history.25 I do mean the "illegitimate birth" definition.
Divorce: Number Four- the Flanders Mare After being sent an artist's representation of Anne of Flanders, Henry the VIII fell in love (again). He married her by proxy before he even saw her.Can you say "Mistake?" OK, how about "It Looked Better In The Picture?" Good. You're getting the idea.
She was divorced in record time (for Henry) when he saw her face. She had such a horse-face everyone called her "The Flanders Mare!" 26 Fortunately for her, she was one of the three who survived Henry's wrath --he divorced her so quicky he couldn't think up any excuse to put her on the chopping block.
26 Horse-lovers everywhere: I apologize for insulting the face of a horse. It, I am quite sure, would be prettier than that of Anne. Then again, I like horses. So maybe I should just shut up while I'm ahead and let history do the talking.
Numbers Five and Six: History Forgot Them, Or At Least I Did I couldn't dig up much about 5 and 6 except this: 5 was beheaded, and he stuck with number 6. Sorry- go to a local library; your computer is not the be-all-end-all of data.Conclusion
Well, now you have seen my account of the Reformation that is less dry than most areas on the Reformation and researched more than most Guide articles. There is more to be known than what's here; I desperately need more info on Henry's Wives 5 and 6, and I'm certain that there are spots I missed. Please, if you have more info about this, e-mail me at [email protected]. Sorry, but this is not a MAILTO link; open up your e-mail client and mail me. However, you will have to remove the part of my adress called ANTISPAMCOCACOLA- that's not in my e-mail; I added it to thow off evil spam-bots that search the Web for e-mail adresses to target.
Thank you for reading,
--Researcher SmartGamer
1While this is common belief, it's like the Washington Cherry Tree- A popular, yet incorrect, myth you were taught in school.2 Note the lack of a "King Jr." This is delibarate. These are two different people.3 And a partridge in a pear tree... The headache was his own, by the way.4 This is Germany... that's pronounced yo-han, like in Johann Sebastian Bach. 5 If they had one, that is. 6 Also German... or Deutch, as they like to say, or pronounced "doitch."7Almost makes me think of the book, Fareinheit 451... However, I doubt that they were inexpensive enough to use as fireplace fodder. I think I misspelled something.8 In other words, this is like the rumor your friend told you that he heard from his friend who heard it from his friend who... (Repeat until head hurts badly.) 9Not to be confused with a chess piece.10For those who don't know, that's a synonym for money.11 I've always had an annoying, alienating, alliteration ability.12Arguer.13Johannes Gutenberg, Johann Sebastian Bach, Johann Eck... Was more than half of Germany named Johann or some variant of it?14If that's pronounced "yeech," it seems that it would be an accurate description. 15Unfortunately, this also has the effect that you have nobody to blame if you go to H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick.16Nobody ever WINS in war; it's just that someone doesn't lose as badly.17From Men And Nations, A World History (1964 edition)18I have no idea how that is pronounced.19 They still are. I guess something that happened there actually stuck.20There is no "Hobbes-inism."21 No symbols of religion, but no lack of devotion either- sounds contradictory to ME, anyway...22 If you don't know what I mean, then wait until you get older. You'll be taught it in middle school.23 He's already off to a great start, isn't he? 24 Popery, leading of the Church, is not to be confused with potpourri, a type of scent.25 I do mean the "illegitimate birth" definition. 26 Horse-lovers everywhere: I apologize for insulting the face of a horse. It, I am quite sure, would be prettier than that of Anne. Then again, I like horses. So maybe I should just shut up while I'm ahead and let history do the talking.
