Football
Created | Updated Oct 20, 2010
FOOTBALL (in America its called soccer) was first created and player professionally in
ENGLAND (small nation on a small island), football was England’s third greatest
invention ever (after Irony and Toilet Jokes), there is another AMERICAN version of
football, but that version is rubbish so I won’t mention it again.
Football is a simple but complicated game, its aim is to score goals, BY USING ONLY
ANY PART OF YOUR BODY (usually the feet) EXCEPT YOUR ARMS, which is to
SCORE by hitting a spherical ball under a rectangular arch. This is a GOAL. If you score
more goals than the other TEAM you WIN the competition of lower-body aimed sphere
whacking.
Note : make sure you get the right arch, there are rectangular arches on a rectangular
"pitch" (or field) two arches to confuse you)
It is not that simple and easy though (if it was like that football wouldn't be the world's
greatest most popular sport) NO! Because there is (most usually) another team of
PLAYERS, who want to take the ball from you and put it under THEIR arch!!! They
MUST be stopped by you.
Note : Two spherical balls are NOT allowed on the same pitch at the same time, no
matter how diplomatic and sensible this logic may be.
A goalkeeper usually guards each arch, he IS allowed to use his arms, as long has he
stays in his even smaller rectangular area.
But if anyone else uses their arms this is illegal, and called a HANDBALL, and if you do
this in your goalkeepers area, a PENALTY is awarded to the opposing team, and they
will be allowed to put the ball on a spot a kick it into the arch, trying avoid the desperate
goalkeeper.
An non-affiliated human being is usually on the pitch, he is called the REFEREE,
although he has the power to expel naughty players from the pitch (if they hurt other
players, cheat, says rude words or handball) he makes IMPARTIAL decisions, however if
a player tells the referee that he is not impartial, that player shall be sent off as the
referees feelings are hurt easily.
There is also a mythical rule called the OFFSIDE RULE, however the original transcript
of this rule has been lost in the mists of time, and no one knows if it really exists, and if
so what it does mean. However offside rule usually occur when your team SCORES and
the referee says it wasn't a goal due to the offside ruling. The only people who really
think they know what it is are referees, and they only hand down the secret of offside
rulings only to other referees.
As one wise man once said about the game “It’s a game of two halves”, he was
wise because this is true, a whole game of football is equally divided into two halves of
play, so players can have a rest and eat oranges.
Another less wiser man once said - “Football - game of the foot” - The less wise
man was me.
