Cyprus - Transport in Cyprus (1)
Created | Updated Jul 27, 2008
Motor Transport in Cyprus can be divided into two groups based on the number of wheels - the number of wheels actually in contact with the road is another issue, and one I will not attempt deal with at this time.
In this entry we will attempt to deal with the type most likely to kill or maim you as a pedestrian - the car, or Aftokinito
More than simply a mode of transport, the aftokinito can be futher sub-divided into certain specific groups
1. The Mersendez or Mercedes. Ranging from the gross overpowered super-limousines of the rich to the more basic models of the genre.
These are bedecked with plastic stick-on spoilers & skirts, multiple foglights, ear rupturing stereo systems & foot-high stickers that read "MERSEDES 190E" in a variety of colours & typefaces with fluorescent representations of the Mercedes star in case you missed the ones supplied by the manufacturers. These are intended to argue that it may only be a 190E but the owner wishes you to know that he knows it is not a 450SEC, however it is still totally a Mercendez. Plus he had more than enough money not only to buy it, but also even to fritter on customising it into the nether pits of automotive hell.
2. The thiplowgambinon, this is the national car of Cyprus.
A pickup truck with seating accommodation for four persons.
This essentially agricultural vehicle was originally intended to offer the farmer a weekday work horse which was big enough & smart enough for the whole family at the weekend.
As a working vehicle, the road tax was correspondingly cheap & thus these diesel-powered monsters fast became the national vehicle of Cyprus.
All was well, subject to the limitations of the othigos until the idea of customizing these cumbersome vehicles occurred.
Sheet steel running boards, roo bars*, raised suspension, extra wide asphalt chewing tyres, anti police radar systems, batteries of high powered fog lights, modified exhaust systems, alloy wheel rims, blacked out windows, custom paint jobs & anti roll bars are all common & indeed frequent additions to these once practical vehicles.
Being purchased with the largest possible most turbocharged engines further enhances their performance both as automobiles & as mangoscines (mangoscines - actions evincing manliness).
These thiplowgambina (pl.) are so beloved by their owners that they are never permitted to be any further than three to four meters from their owners at any time. They are driven to & indeed on to the beach with no regard for other seaside occupants. Usually they are loaded with fougoues(barbeques pl.), portable T.V.s, ageing relatives, table & chairs, beach toys & a vast number of other items as if to justify ownership of so colossal an automotive leviathan by filling every scrap of its kasha** to overflowing. At the same time the owner can demonstrate its four-wheel drive capabilities by blasting down to the waterline spraying sand & rocks in all directions with his off-road tyres whilst making his family seasick.
It has been suggested that just as the ownership of a motora represents a rite of passage into manhood, the ownership of a thiplowgambinon represents passage into a nirvana-like state of completion where the individual perceives himself as uniquely & totally alone on the road & even the elements may be bent to his will, if his roo-bar is sufficiently substantial.
* A cage of steel bars bolted onto the front of rural vehicles in the Australian outback to prevent damage from collision with kangaroos, or "roos" as they are called locally. These animals are prone to "freeze" in car headlights & being up to six feet tall can cause considerable damage on collision.
**The area at the back of the pick up truck. Mia kasha – a box.
3. The Panjero. Marketed in the UK as the "Shogun", this 4 wheel drive Range Rover /Jeep Cherokee substitute is a middle class status symbol as compared to the more egalitarian thiplowgambinon. The major selling point to these tall, all terrain dangalakes is that they allow the occupants to look down on other road users literally as well as figuratively.
4. The Maz. Lesser Japanese/European vehicles that are imported second hand & seldom if ever reach European safety standards. Frequently (but not invariably) wives of Mercendez or Panjero owners drive these with an aggressive lack of ability &/or attention that they believe makes them appear brisk & capable. Often you will find one or more toddlers standing on the transmission tunnel between the front seats under even poorer control than the car. They may also be found in the reckless hands of aggressive under-age "drivers" who treat them more like dodgem cars than the real thing. Frequently they are gifts from their parents on the child's coming of age or else starting his national service at 17 years. Presumably the proud parents consider a violent death an acceptable alternative to conscription. These vehicles are frequently referred to by mispronounced abbreviated versions of their maker's names, a common technique for demonstrating one's fashion-consciousness.
This well-worn technique has its drawbacks, however. The tale is told of the lady who offered to buy her husband a new Maz. A nice big shiny one with leather seats & everything. He indulged her gracefully & off she went to clinch the deal. After a week or two she rang him at the office to tell him it had arrived & she had taken delivery &, if anything, it was even bigger & nicer than she remembered. Her husband came home to find himself the proud owner of a brand new top of the range C£75,000 Mazarati. We are given to understand that he was somewhat distressed.
5. The saravallo, or "rot-box". These decrepit vehicles with their bedraggled drivers are a major hazard for two reasons.
a) These cars tend to be from a distant time when sheet steel rather than plastic was the order of the day & endurance rather than performance was the ideal. Geriatric Volvos, Austin A40 vans & Russian tractors. They may be falling to bits, but once you get them going they could chew up a motorway bridge without difficulty or injury to themselves.
Compounded with the inevitable lack of brakes, steering, lights, tread on the tyres & the lack of visual acuity/intellect of the driver, this property of resilience is regrettable.
b) The car's driver is usually either on the verge of collapse due to advancing age or else a mindless 14 year old showing off to his schoolmates. Thus they are either effectively or else literally deaf & blind with all the road sense of a hedgehog . They pull unhesitatingly out into fast moving streams of traffic at a dogged if juddery five M.P.H. secure in the belief that only a fully laden concrete mixer or perhaps a train can harm them.
Unfortunately, in view of what they are driving, they are probably correct.
Naturally they are neither taxed nor insured as the drivers licence either never existed or else expired in 1962. Futhermore, if you try to take them to court the police will try to discourage you on the basis that it is androbee.
Your multiple traumas & mangled car will not be discussed.
In this entry we will attempt to deal with the type most likely to kill or maim you as a pedestrian - the car, or Aftokinito
More than simply a mode of transport, the aftokinito can be futher sub-divided into certain specific groups
1. The Mersendez or Mercedes. Ranging from the gross overpowered super-limousines of the rich to the more basic models of the genre.
These are bedecked with plastic stick-on spoilers & skirts, multiple foglights, ear rupturing stereo systems & foot-high stickers that read "MERSEDES 190E" in a variety of colours & typefaces with fluorescent representations of the Mercedes star in case you missed the ones supplied by the manufacturers. These are intended to argue that it may only be a 190E but the owner wishes you to know that he knows it is not a 450SEC, however it is still totally a Mercendez. Plus he had more than enough money not only to buy it, but also even to fritter on customising it into the nether pits of automotive hell.
2. The thiplowgambinon, this is the national car of Cyprus.
A pickup truck with seating accommodation for four persons.
This essentially agricultural vehicle was originally intended to offer the farmer a weekday work horse which was big enough & smart enough for the whole family at the weekend.
As a working vehicle, the road tax was correspondingly cheap & thus these diesel-powered monsters fast became the national vehicle of Cyprus.
All was well, subject to the limitations of the othigos until the idea of customizing these cumbersome vehicles occurred.
Sheet steel running boards, roo bars*, raised suspension, extra wide asphalt chewing tyres, anti police radar systems, batteries of high powered fog lights, modified exhaust systems, alloy wheel rims, blacked out windows, custom paint jobs & anti roll bars are all common & indeed frequent additions to these once practical vehicles.
Being purchased with the largest possible most turbocharged engines further enhances their performance both as automobiles & as mangoscines (mangoscines - actions evincing manliness).
These thiplowgambina (pl.) are so beloved by their owners that they are never permitted to be any further than three to four meters from their owners at any time. They are driven to & indeed on to the beach with no regard for other seaside occupants. Usually they are loaded with fougoues(barbeques pl.), portable T.V.s, ageing relatives, table & chairs, beach toys & a vast number of other items as if to justify ownership of so colossal an automotive leviathan by filling every scrap of its kasha** to overflowing. At the same time the owner can demonstrate its four-wheel drive capabilities by blasting down to the waterline spraying sand & rocks in all directions with his off-road tyres whilst making his family seasick.
It has been suggested that just as the ownership of a motora represents a rite of passage into manhood, the ownership of a thiplowgambinon represents passage into a nirvana-like state of completion where the individual perceives himself as uniquely & totally alone on the road & even the elements may be bent to his will, if his roo-bar is sufficiently substantial.
* A cage of steel bars bolted onto the front of rural vehicles in the Australian outback to prevent damage from collision with kangaroos, or "roos" as they are called locally. These animals are prone to "freeze" in car headlights & being up to six feet tall can cause considerable damage on collision.
**The area at the back of the pick up truck. Mia kasha – a box.
3. The Panjero. Marketed in the UK as the "Shogun", this 4 wheel drive Range Rover /Jeep Cherokee substitute is a middle class status symbol as compared to the more egalitarian thiplowgambinon. The major selling point to these tall, all terrain dangalakes is that they allow the occupants to look down on other road users literally as well as figuratively.
4. The Maz. Lesser Japanese/European vehicles that are imported second hand & seldom if ever reach European safety standards. Frequently (but not invariably) wives of Mercendez or Panjero owners drive these with an aggressive lack of ability &/or attention that they believe makes them appear brisk & capable. Often you will find one or more toddlers standing on the transmission tunnel between the front seats under even poorer control than the car. They may also be found in the reckless hands of aggressive under-age "drivers" who treat them more like dodgem cars than the real thing. Frequently they are gifts from their parents on the child's coming of age or else starting his national service at 17 years. Presumably the proud parents consider a violent death an acceptable alternative to conscription. These vehicles are frequently referred to by mispronounced abbreviated versions of their maker's names, a common technique for demonstrating one's fashion-consciousness.
This well-worn technique has its drawbacks, however. The tale is told of the lady who offered to buy her husband a new Maz. A nice big shiny one with leather seats & everything. He indulged her gracefully & off she went to clinch the deal. After a week or two she rang him at the office to tell him it had arrived & she had taken delivery &, if anything, it was even bigger & nicer than she remembered. Her husband came home to find himself the proud owner of a brand new top of the range C£75,000 Mazarati. We are given to understand that he was somewhat distressed.
5. The saravallo, or "rot-box". These decrepit vehicles with their bedraggled drivers are a major hazard for two reasons.
a) These cars tend to be from a distant time when sheet steel rather than plastic was the order of the day & endurance rather than performance was the ideal. Geriatric Volvos, Austin A40 vans & Russian tractors. They may be falling to bits, but once you get them going they could chew up a motorway bridge without difficulty or injury to themselves.
Compounded with the inevitable lack of brakes, steering, lights, tread on the tyres & the lack of visual acuity/intellect of the driver, this property of resilience is regrettable.
b) The car's driver is usually either on the verge of collapse due to advancing age or else a mindless 14 year old showing off to his schoolmates. Thus they are either effectively or else literally deaf & blind with all the road sense of a hedgehog . They pull unhesitatingly out into fast moving streams of traffic at a dogged if juddery five M.P.H. secure in the belief that only a fully laden concrete mixer or perhaps a train can harm them.
Unfortunately, in view of what they are driving, they are probably correct.
Naturally they are neither taxed nor insured as the drivers licence either never existed or else expired in 1962. Futhermore, if you try to take them to court the police will try to discourage you on the basis that it is androbee.
Your multiple traumas & mangled car will not be discussed.
