The following events took place in various Edinburgh pubs on 15 May 2004:

1257 - fords, EV and Jamie arrive to find Wowbadger has bagged comfy seats.

1301 - First use of 'ho yus!'

1308 - Wildman arrives

1310 - First mention of badgers, and it certainly wasn't the last

1312 - Jamie to write to Simon Pegg to ask for a badger reference in the new series of Spaced

1315 - "I need TB for my badger"

1327 - DD and FC text EV to apologise for forgetting to come. Kill the heretics!

1338 - The What Time Will DD and FC Turn Up? Game commences. Estimated times range from 4.30 to a no show

1344 - Eggy arrives, complete with hangover. Has a hair of the badger as prescribed by EV

1349 - Eurovision drinking contest suggested, with researchers drinking a drink native to each country

1349 - fords is offended at Jamie's mention of B*****m. "Flems" (phlegms) suggested by Wowbadger

1350 - The Wurzels go X-rated

1408 - Jamie stated the obvious*

1410 - fords finds Crazyhorse wandering around looking lost

1432 - Mort and Zagreb arrive

1437 - Eggy: "A badger is like a raccoon but hard as f**k"

1441 - Eggy and fords play Communist Pigdog Origami Boulder

1445 - Crazyhorse asks fords where her name comes from. A gasp erupts from assembled Hootooers

1456 - Happy noodle boy shall torture your groin!*

1500 - Mort and Wildman discuss subbing again. This moves on to a discussion with Wowbadger about English bitter and Wildman setting fire to a pint in Linlithgow*

1520 - Mort lets the team down by ordering a glass of water

1534 - Mort is sickened by fords and EV's snogging

1535 - EV takes Mort from behind

1545 - Wildman suffers from nausea from excessive 'patty fingers' between EV and fords

1547 - Zagreb gets a mention

1555 - Discussion on metrication is interrupted by Wowbadger and Wildman obsessing over threepenny bits

1611 - Resemblance between Wildman and portrait of Alexander Graham Bell remarked upon. Jamie and Wildman - separated at birth?

1616 - Jamie asks silly question (first time today): "So EV, when's the big day?"

1618 - Wowbadger's better half turns up - alledges forgotten online name. A likely story!

1630 - fords, Mort and Eggy discuss shaving off Jamie's beard while he lies drunk

1635 - Mort smiles

1645 - Glasses raised (not for the first time) in memory of Bels

1656 - Crazyhorse admits to frequenting the Cavendish. Ooh-er!

1702 - Wildman hates badgers. Heretic!

1707 - Wowbadger and EV return together from the toilets, both sporting big grins

1740 - Mort sees entry at 1635: "Cheeky basturts!"

1741 - Wowbadger, Mrs Wowbadger and Wildman discuss Gene Simmons' tongue

1800 - Elvis enters the building in a lovely powder blue suit

1816 - liquidindian arrives and buys drinks for a select few

1823 - Wildman used to be a hooker

1839 - For the second time in a week, EV declared officially fat

1840 - FC arrives!! EV wins the game*

1850 - Mr and Mrs Wowbadger leave

1901 - Eggy has been stolen!

1902 - Eggy is returned safely

1905 - Eggy necks a pint in 14 seconds

1920 - EV: "Give us a feel of those puppies!". FC explains that Robert Plant touched one of her puppies, but is unsure of which one it was

1920 - Eggy quotes from Happy Noodle Boy: "You just wasted a perfectly good baby!"

1925 - Mort is offically the cigarette vending machine as Eggy and liquidindian keep cadging fags

1926 - Jamie has a glazed expression on his face. However, he still has motor functions - he still sips at his pint

1934 - The group toasts the inspiration of Towel Day and listen happily to the sound of deadlines whooshing past

1936 - EV and fords patty finger - again

1937 - HOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!

2000 - Crazyhorse takes a quick nap whilst barely managing to keep his pint upright. fords and EV go off for quick snuggles under the guise of playing on the quiz machine

2015 - Wildman under threat of Eurovision Song Contest legs it

2020 - Eggy and Crazyhorse admit to being pished

2025 - Mort heads off home

2026 - DD arrives!!

2028 - DD vandalises SNP propaganda poster with Lib Dem propaganda

2032 - The group leaves the Standing Order for pastures new

2104 - At Henry J Bean's, Eggy celebrates finishing his glass of cocktail first by upending his glass on his head

2106 - Jamie has a Prince Albert

2107 - Eggy is as pished as a monkey and loses ability to talk, see, write and think

2110 - Man in fireman's uniform enters pub and instead of fighting fires strips for a girl. Zagreb is appalled and considers phoning Tony Blair to complain about the waste of public money

2118 - Zagreb has Eurovision update from Mort. The Bosnian entry is "deffo gay with drag backing dancers"

2128 - The group has Sex on the Beach

2142 - Crazyhorse gives up and goes home

2152 - Zagreb KOs. Eggy: "Eat my cheese, monkey groinal strain very drunk!"

2155 - DD puts up the money for the taxi to the Copacabadger

2207 - On the move again to Shakespeare's pub

2211 - All gathered on pavement outside Henry J Bean's except EV. fords says he's up the back somewhere. Cannot be found on inspection of her bum

2213 - Eggy leans on DD for support

2213 - EV and fords urged to get a room outside the Caledonian Hilton

2215 - FC checks complimentary passes for the Subway nightclub for an expiry date. The SRG have until 27 May to use them, will they make it? fords says probably not

2218 - FC wants to see EV up the back

2221 - SRG find room at Shakespeare's

2223 - FC drags EV off. Who knows?

2230 - Eurovision results - hurrah!

2250 - Ukraine leading - Tinkerbell is texted and asked if she wants Borscht and apricot ice cream next year?

2251 - EV's phone dictionary does not recognise 'apricots'

2307 - Lock up your beetroot, Xena wins for the Ukraine - here we come!

2307 - What is that female presenter wearing?

2315 - FC complains about there being three vision mixers used on Eurovision. Why can't she be one??!!

2324 - Politics breaks out

2327 - Eggy attempts to down pint. Fails

2350 - Eggy wins a mousemat for being Eggy

2353 - Jamie tries to work out how old he is

2354 - Eggy gets beer in his hair

0010 - DD and FC f**k off home

0103 - Eggy drinks random pint

0111 - Nina (Eggy's friend) necks Jamie's pint

0125 - Eggy likes talking bollocks

0126 - Zagreb nearly gets arrested