Stars 14/1/00
Created | Updated Oct 20, 2010
Your weekly horoscope for January 14, 2000
TAURUS
You're dizzy from holiday indulgences. You feel icky, but you're not sick. You've got that, "I think I'm coming
down with something" feeling. This feeling is caused, in part, because the attention you received in the last few weeks has come to a screeching halt. It's not because you're any less attractive. Other signs dig your bloated butt. But they have gone back to work, and you're left still wearing your party hat, wondering where everyone has gone. Brush that confetti out of your locks, and wait it out. They'll be knocking at your door soon enough*.
GEMINI
You have an amazing nurturing streak. Some people don't realise this. The people who don't realise this are usually Gemini themselves. But you're busy. You help friends, but that's no substitute for watching something grow. As much as you'd like to, you don't have time to raise a
puppy. May we suggest plants? Of course we may. And we do. Orchids especially. Because orchids are the closest to animals you can get. They are so cool. They're almost like aliens. In fact some people think they ARE aliens. But those people are nuts. An orchid will give you hours of enjoyment, and it will be better conversation than you've had in awhile.
CANCER
Frustrated with people who don't answer your queries? We know a Cancer who offered up his 21-inch television to his friends for free, and yet nobody has claimed it, let alone got back to him. Strange. What's stranger? People will seem to continue to ignore you all month. It'll be just like one of those dreams where you scream and nothing comes out. Except you'll be awake, and not screaming. On the up side, you make serious career and life progress. Enlightenment ho!
LEO
Leo wants to know how to attract babes. By the way, babes can be men or women, but not llamas. Here's how: Act like you're smart, tortured, don't make eye contact and act as if you freaking hate them. It also helps to have clean floppy hair. Or, try being yourself. It takes a tad longer to rope them in (like a decade or so), but it's well worth it.
VIRGO
You're running behind this year. Y2K was a bust, and you can't blame it on the machines. But you can blame it on the stars. So try to get it together. But if you don't, some signs find your devil-may-care nature sexilicious. Take advantage now, this is a limited time astrological offer and may expire without notice.
LIBRA
Onion dip is just as good if you ditch the sour cream and make it with fat free yogurt. Or yoghurt. Both spellings taste the same. Rich chocolate royale Slim Fast is delicious. We don't know if it helps you
lose weight. We doubt it because we can't just have one can. Or two. Or five. Shrimp, served cold as revenge, is delightful. But add a little lemon and hot cocktail sauce and wow! -- bliss-o-rama. Why do we tell you this? Because since we recommend that you stay away from people this week, we want you to enjoy yourselves. Why stay away from mankind? Because you're too attractive. It's dangerous, and not fair to tease other horny signs. Yeah, we said horny.
SCORPIO
OK, you have got it going on. Love flows from you and to you. Plus your skin looks quite nice. Beware of arrogance! Remember the roots of your success: even-handed dealing with other signs. Also, this week a bill comes in that you wish didn't. Do not avoid. Pay said bill. Suck it up. Better than being a scofflaw. Your friends are in no mood to bake you a cake with not-so-tasty saw filling. This week you too will be offered things that you don't want. Relationships and/or work. Hold out for something really special. True love, or A NEW CAR
SAGITTARIUS
Oh but you're being self-destructive, Saggy. But people find this entertaining. And so you're spurred on to newer and greater feats of daring Watch out! The planetary orbits will make you wobbly. Wobbly plus derring-do equals trouble. Don't say we didn't warn you. But don't worry, we won't say we told you so.
CAPRICORN
Rubber duckies for the bath are really cool. Then you find your little ducky friend grows amazing amount of mould on its' underbelly. This is something only life experience can teach you. It's winter in the Northern Hemisphere. Bathing suit season is coming up. You have lots of time to diet away all that flab-o-la. If you stick to a good eating plan, you'll be skinny by summer. But we're going to tell you something that normally only life experience can teach you. You look fabulous already.
AQUARIUS
PISCES
Who's cuter than you? Libra. And Gemini. These signs will be a thorn in your side. They are not actually cuter. But you're feeling jealous as all get out. There's a certain Scorpio and/or Taurus you want to get it on with. But you perceive other signs are trying to muck it up. Come on Pisces. Insecurity is not productive. And not becoming. Let it go baby dolls.
ARIES
You're working harder than ever, Aries. But getting a much-deserved break real soon. It'll be more enjoyable than a package of prawn-flavoured chips. Really! First you've got an annoying week to get through. A Taurus tests your patience. A Libra leaves you feeling flat. A Pisces bores your socks off. A Gemini hits your car. But, whoa! Capricorn, Aquarius and Sagittarius dig your sockless self
TAURUS
You're dizzy from holiday indulgences. You feel icky, but you're not sick. You've got that, "I think I'm coming
down with something" feeling. This feeling is caused, in part, because the attention you received in the last few weeks has come to a screeching halt. It's not because you're any less attractive. Other signs dig your bloated butt. But they have gone back to work, and you're left still wearing your party hat, wondering where everyone has gone. Brush that confetti out of your locks, and wait it out. They'll be knocking at your door soon enough*.
*Soon enough = mid-February
GEMINI
You have an amazing nurturing streak. Some people don't realise this. The people who don't realise this are usually Gemini themselves. But you're busy. You help friends, but that's no substitute for watching something grow. As much as you'd like to, you don't have time to raise a
puppy. May we suggest plants? Of course we may. And we do. Orchids especially. Because orchids are the closest to animals you can get. They are so cool. They're almost like aliens. In fact some people think they ARE aliens. But those people are nuts. An orchid will give you hours of enjoyment, and it will be better conversation than you've had in awhile.
CANCER
Frustrated with people who don't answer your queries? We know a Cancer who offered up his 21-inch television to his friends for free, and yet nobody has claimed it, let alone got back to him. Strange. What's stranger? People will seem to continue to ignore you all month. It'll be just like one of those dreams where you scream and nothing comes out. Except you'll be awake, and not screaming. On the up side, you make serious career and life progress. Enlightenment ho!
LEO
Leo wants to know how to attract babes. By the way, babes can be men or women, but not llamas. Here's how: Act like you're smart, tortured, don't make eye contact and act as if you freaking hate them. It also helps to have clean floppy hair. Or, try being yourself. It takes a tad longer to rope them in (like a decade or so), but it's well worth it.
VIRGO
You're running behind this year. Y2K was a bust, and you can't blame it on the machines. But you can blame it on the stars. So try to get it together. But if you don't, some signs find your devil-may-care nature sexilicious. Take advantage now, this is a limited time astrological offer and may expire without notice.
LIBRA
Onion dip is just as good if you ditch the sour cream and make it with fat free yogurt. Or yoghurt. Both spellings taste the same. Rich chocolate royale Slim Fast is delicious. We don't know if it helps you
lose weight. We doubt it because we can't just have one can. Or two. Or five. Shrimp, served cold as revenge, is delightful. But add a little lemon and hot cocktail sauce and wow! -- bliss-o-rama. Why do we tell you this? Because since we recommend that you stay away from people this week, we want you to enjoy yourselves. Why stay away from mankind? Because you're too attractive. It's dangerous, and not fair to tease other horny signs. Yeah, we said horny.
SCORPIO
OK, you have got it going on. Love flows from you and to you. Plus your skin looks quite nice. Beware of arrogance! Remember the roots of your success: even-handed dealing with other signs. Also, this week a bill comes in that you wish didn't. Do not avoid. Pay said bill. Suck it up. Better than being a scofflaw. Your friends are in no mood to bake you a cake with not-so-tasty saw filling. This week you too will be offered things that you don't want. Relationships and/or work. Hold out for something really special. True love, or A NEW CAR
SAGITTARIUS
Oh but you're being self-destructive, Saggy. But people find this entertaining. And so you're spurred on to newer and greater feats of daring Watch out! The planetary orbits will make you wobbly. Wobbly plus derring-do equals trouble. Don't say we didn't warn you. But don't worry, we won't say we told you so.
CAPRICORN
Rubber duckies for the bath are really cool. Then you find your little ducky friend grows amazing amount of mould on its' underbelly. This is something only life experience can teach you. It's winter in the Northern Hemisphere. Bathing suit season is coming up. You have lots of time to diet away all that flab-o-la. If you stick to a good eating plan, you'll be skinny by summer. But we're going to tell you something that normally only life experience can teach you. You look fabulous already.
AQUARIUS
Aren't you lucky! Yes you are!
Luck is great. It lets you slack off a bit.
But don't get cocky. We like you just the way you are.
Notice how every line we're writing is a bit longer than the last?
That's to show your luck increasing, also can make you socially tumble.
PISCES
Who's cuter than you? Libra. And Gemini. These signs will be a thorn in your side. They are not actually cuter. But you're feeling jealous as all get out. There's a certain Scorpio and/or Taurus you want to get it on with. But you perceive other signs are trying to muck it up. Come on Pisces. Insecurity is not productive. And not becoming. Let it go baby dolls.
ARIES
You're working harder than ever, Aries. But getting a much-deserved break real soon. It'll be more enjoyable than a package of prawn-flavoured chips. Really! First you've got an annoying week to get through. A Taurus tests your patience. A Libra leaves you feeling flat. A Pisces bores your socks off. A Gemini hits your car. But, whoa! Capricorn, Aquarius and Sagittarius dig your sockless self
